Don't do this. You'll regret it, so don't do it.
How much have I put her through already...and yet, here she remains, resting in my arms.
I recall her face, her body and her voice, how they contorted, primal, in pain and horror at the revelation thrust upon her earlier. I should have told her. I could have lost her, if she had closed herself off to me and managed to escape out that door.
She isn't strong enough to shut any doors in my face right now, real or emotional.
And yet...
...isn't she facing a reality I myself am still struggling against after countless lifetimes? How long did it take me to put up that kind of fight?
I continue to stroke her hair as I wonder. She's fallen asleep, but I haven't stopped. I don't know why it consoles me, when my hands had sought to sooth her into peace.
Don't.
There is much to tell her. There is a lot to show her, and explain.
There is someone she needs to meet.
But not just yet. Her breath, her heartbeat, precious and prized by me for making their brave return from the brink, are soft against my neck and chest. I read the comfort of my presence in her fingertips, stubbornly engaged with my hair and my shirt collar. I don't mind her in my bed. For all the kindness I've shown her, I'm still not the type to lure anyone this close, not with the darkness that follows me and my clownish display of embracing it. Her compulsion to reach for me is beyond what I expected, as is how much I've started to like it. I wanted her to feel dependent on me, but when did the tables turn?
When she finds out her role in the story I have written for her, she will hate me. I know this. And yet, I am starting to wonder: Can I keep her in my plot, or will she write herself out of it?
Perhaps, it is already too late.
These musings haunt me, quietly, as I concoct rationalizations for all of them. I do so while tightening my arms around her, nestling my face against the warmth of her crown, until I join her in sleep.
• —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– •
My apologies for the long delay in updating as well as the short chapters. I have been balancing health stuff and work issues (none of it made more fun by this pandemic) while working at this tale, but the longer chunk of backstory I promised is almost finished...I didn't want to rush through it, since it's important for establishing our MC.
Please accept this fluffy tidbit as a reconciliation, and please don't hold me accountable for using multiple points of view to flesh out character depth in my writing. X3 Stay tuned for a longer chapter.