Happy Friday! Posting this early because I've finally finished midterms...
***
All the care I would take, all the love that we made,
Now you're trying to find somebody to replace what I gave to you...
It's a shame you didn't keep it...
-"Shot for Me" || Drake
_______
"He's outside, again, isn't he?"
Niall nods to Louis from the couch.
They both spare a glance towards the fire escape.
Niall pulls his hood over his head. "Yup."
___
Life.
It's shit, really.
Or, that's what Zayn thinks as he sits on the fire escape outside the open window of his apartment. There's snow falling down, casting flakes across his black coat and black jeans and black boots and melting in his black hair and black lashes and across his rosy, cold skin.
It's cold.
But, Zayn isn't really worried too much about the weather.
He's inhaling tobacco and with it the nicotine into his lungs and he's watching the white smoke disappear with his cold breath into that snow as it falls down, down, down.
His lungs are burning with each breath - It's freezing out, and he should really be inside. He should really put on a hat, or a scarf at least, but his hat is buried somewhere in the mess in his room and his scarf is...well, his scarf is with Anais.
It's really very cold.
But, Zayn isn't really all that worried about the cold.
He inhales.
He exhales.
The cigarette between his fingers is growing smaller and smaller, and his other free hand is gripping the box of Camel's he's still got left. This is his third cigarette since he's been outside and he hasn't smoked this much in ages. Since the semester began, a box could last him a week. The longest it'd gone was a week and a half, but that was because the time he'd typically spend on the fire escape in solitude was replaced by all the time he'd spent with Anais.
The temperature seems to be dropping.
With the wind chill, it's in the negatives, tonight. No one's out. Typically, he'd be out and people watch and laugh because that had become a habit since he'd done it with Anais, but now, it's just so cold that anyone outside is hurrying to be in. Now, anyone outside is bundled in dark clothes with limbs and features barely distinguishable because it's just so damn cold.
The snow pours.
Down, down, down, down.
Zayn inhales the last of his cigarette and stomps it into ash on the fire escape. Louis' going to be pissed, he knows. He's sick of the growing accumulation of cigarettes becoming an 'eye sore' outside of their window.
"I sit out there, too, y'know," came his sassy retort.
"I'll clean 'em up," Zayn typically says in response.
"When?"
"When I get around to it."
Zayn typically does not get around to it.
Damn it, it's cold.
He leans his head back, his skull thumping loudly against the frozen metal behind him.
Zayn hasn't gotten around to much recently.
"He's brooding, again," his friends say behind his back.
But, he hasn't really had too much time for his friends.
Ironically, he hasn't had time for anyone. He'd rather sit alone. He'd rather go to class and come home. He'd rather not see anyone, actually. He'd rather not hear the scoldings and 'You should do this's' from his friends. He'd rather not have to face the disapproving looks or the pitying glances. He'd rather not hear how he looks a mess. He'd rather not hear that he seems not to have been getting much sleep. He'd rather not hear that his attitude is shit. He'd rather ignore the pieces he really should finish and hasn't. He'd rather ignore the thoughts that consume him. He'd rather ignore the sinking feeling in his chest.
He'd rather ignore the growing lump in his throat.
He'd rather ignore that lump; the one that threatens to choke him.
In all honesty, he hasn't been getting sleep. He lies awake and misses the added warmth of her skin and the softness of her hair and the smell of her body wash.
In all honesty, he has been angry. He's a "ticking time bomb," Liam said one day to Niall, because Zayn replays Soo's party again and again and wishes only for Anais to stop ignoring him. He wishes that she'd unblock his phone number and talk to him. He wishes she'd curl up on the couch beside him, again. He wishes to kiss her lips and feel her skin beneath his fingertips.
It's been weeks.
Weeks since Soo's. Weeks since the gallery opened. Weeks since Magdalena and Jesse called it quits - and in typical Anais fashion, she's been busy. She's busy now, working on some show for Daphne, according to Cara, and that's why she won't take his calls. She's busy.
It's 'cause she's busy.
But, busy?
More like 'ignoring him.' More like, 'finding ways to avoid him.' He knows she's upset. He knows she's mad at him. He knows he's fucked up, but he's been trying to apologize for ages and he can't because Anais won't give him the opportunity to do so. And because Anais won't give him the breath to apologize, because she always conveniently finds ways of never finding herself in the same space as him, Zayn becomes more frustrated and more distant because he should have never let anyone get the best of him; he shouldn't even be in this situation. He should have never let Lucky make him that angry because this anger was redirected to the most wrong person possible and now he's stuck without the one girl he's ever really honestly actually loved and what makes him even angrier? What makes him feel even more like shit, is the fact that this was what Lucky Blue Smith wanted all along, yeah? Wasn't this his end goal, for Zayn to not be with Anais?
And that thought Zayn can't dwell on because it infuriates him to the point that it actually really just makes him very, very sad.
Zayn replays their break-up and wishes he could take it back.
He'd gotten home that night and thought what he'd done was right. He thought he'd made the right decision, ending it - ending things.
It was easier being apart, wasn't it?
That's what he'd thought, until this chasm in his chest began to slowly empty into his stomach and ribs and he'd felt so unhappy doing things he'd typically do with her, alone. He felt so alone; so empty.
Zayn hasn't stopped replaying the break-up because he really wishes he could take it back.
But, he can't.
Zayn cannot take anything back, and because he knows this, because he knows there is no way to rewind time, he swallows these feelings of remorse and guilt and anger and nostalgia and decides not to confront them. He'd rather ignore these feelings. Ironically, he'd much rather be alone.
Like, now.
On the fire escape.
Instead, he'd rather smoke.
Instead, he'd rather forget the pain.
Instead, he'd just rather forget.
So, why does he find himself roaming the library where she sits when she's got essays to write? So why does he find himself stopping by Nero? Why does he take the long way home, past the design school? Why does he listen closely for mentions of her name when Soo comes to visit Louis? Why does he listen closely for mention of her name when Niall's got Cara over? Why does he hear her laugh everywhere? Why does he imagine her happier, now? Why does he see her with someone else?
It's 'cause life is shit.
And he said those words that night because he had been upset. He'd been more than upset. He'd been incensed. Nothing Jesse or Zach or Louis or anyone else could say could keep him from being angry. He was so angry. Honestly, how could you not be? How could you let go of the fact that someone was purposefully trying to take your girlfriend from you?
He couldn't.
That night were his fears in the beginning of this whole thing - this his + her; a them - coming to light. That night, that night with Lucky on Anais was what had him doubting their relationship in the first place. He was like a spoiled kid with Anais, no matter how he denied it when prodded by his friends. He was spoiled by her friendship and her attention and her affection because that's what he wanted, wasn't it? That's all he wanted, really, to be more than just her lab partner on the roof.
All he had wanted was her.
And he'd gotten that. He'd gotten what he'd wanted.
But, it was more than that, wasn't it?
What Zayn wanted, was for Anais to choose him. Over her friends and those guys and all the other people attempting to take up some of her time and space. What Zayn wanted, was for Anais to want him like he wanted her, and now?
Now, Anais didn't want anything to do with him.
Fuck.
It's so fucking cold.
Zayn feels the onset of a headache. He's got two pieces due tomorrow and that lab...he's got a lab to complete and he hasn't yet rifled through the pages.
Anais has been avoiding class.
When she shows, it's not on lab days. When she shows, she gets there as late as possible and sits in the front of the class and does not turn back. When she shows, she leaves early before he can call out to her and she slips so silently down the hall that she's all but disappeared in the snow.
The snow pours.
It pours down, down, down, down, down.
It's Tuesday.
Tomorrow is Wednesday.
Tomorrow, Zayn and Anais have a lab due.
It affects both of their grades, and Zayn's pretty sure that if he doesn't do something, they'll both fail.
Zayn does not want to fail this class.
Zayn does not want Anais to fail, either.
At the same time, Zayn would rather fail a night class than have Anais continue to ignore him.
Zayn would much rather fail than live without her as his, again.
Fucking hell, it's just too damn cold.
Zayn rubs his tired eyes.
He's exhausted, and he stares tiredly at the cigarette butts at his feet as they slowly become buried in the downpour of snow, snow, snow.
He rises, crouching to re-enter his apartment. Stepping through the window, he quickly closes the pane, shutting out the snow and the cold and loneliness to retain the light and heat and companionship.
He heads to his room, searching for a coat and gloves and a hat or something because he's got to go out tonight.
Zayn's got a lab.
And Zayn finishes on the rooftop and heads immediately to the bar, where he peers inside darkened windows to see Zach and Jesse inside, both of them stacking tables and cleaning up. Despite the 'Closed' sign, he knocks anyway, knuckles rapping against the glass.
Jesse looks up.
He smirks, nudging Zach.
Zach looks up.
He smirks, traipsing to the door.
"Can't you read the goddamn sign, Z?" He jokes, opening the door to the cold and allowing him inside. "We're closed, dude."
Zayn chuckles, fishing from his pocket his wallet.
He slaps a hundred dollar bill upon the table, looking between the boys.
"Open up, then," he says. "And while you're at it," he shakes out of his coat, "pull glasses and the biggest bottle you've got of tequila."
__
"Just fuckin' talk to her," Zach says. "I swear, between you and Jesse, I'm gonna get grey hairs and have no friend to live vicariously through since I'm still single."
Zayn stares at the salt shaker, since they've pulled out actual salt and actual limes instead of lemons this time.
"Wish that was easier than it is, mate."
"C'mon," Zach says, as he and Jesse attempt to shoot their rinds into the trash bin across the bar. "This is Anais. This is Ana we're talking about! Out of all the girls she's got to be the easiest to talk to."
Zayn glares. "You must not know Anais."
When that girl wanted to avoid someone, she was sure as hell gonna try.
"C'mon, man," Zach groans, because this is weird, even talking about this. It's just weird that they're not together, his friends. "Yeah, you-"
"Look, it's fine, alright?" Zayn says, because maybe this was the way things were supposed to be? He'd been telling himself that a lot, lately. He'd been trying to make himself feel better about this current situation. "Maybe m'just not supposed to be with Ana, y'know?"
Zach shakes his head. "Why the fuck're you so sad, then?"
Zayn has no answer to that.
"Look, yeah, you fucked up, but-"
"But?" Zayn snorts. And Zayn frowns, glaring at Zach because okay, he came here to hang out and get drunk and feel better. If he wanted to be scolded like a child, or receive the disapproving looks, he'd have found Liam or Harry or Louis. "Thanks, mate."
"Look, she's not over you, either, is my point," he replies, watching Jesse's rind bank off of a table. He cracks a smile. "She just isn't."
"Yeah?" Zayn retorts, because that sounds like bullshit. "How'd you know that?"
"I just..." Zach shrugs as Zayn lifts a brow; he's unconvinced. "I just know."
"Mags came to the bar today," Jesse says at once, because he hasn't sunk one rind into the trashcan and now he's got to pick all of them up. "Said Ana's been fucked in her feelings, just like you."
Zayn sits up. "She has?"
"According to Mags," Jesse shrugs. And he lifts a brow, "But I thought you were over her?"
"Fuck off," Zayn replies, and he shakes his head as Jesse laughs. "Wait," he pauses, because wait, "Magdalena came in? Here? By herself?"
"Yeah...?" Jesse responds slowly, as he throws his legs over the bar and hops onto the other side. He stalks towards the lime rinds littered around the trash bin. "Why?"
Zayn almost laughs. "And she came and like, talked?" He asks, because this news about Anais has put him in a better mood - if she's not over him then she couldn't have moved on yet, right? - and this news about Magdalena simply amuses him. "She talked to you?"
Jesse flips him off as Zach laughs.
Zach folds his arms. "They've been talking," he says, and Zayn looks to Jesse, eyes wide. "You didn't know?"
Zayn shakes his head.
Zach laughs, "Where've you been, Z?"
"Crying in his room," calls Jesse, and now Zayn flips him off because that's all been true but so the fuck what. "Dunno why, though, since he's over Anais."
"Fuck off, you prick."
"Jealousy's not a good look on you, Z."
"Piss off, Jesse."
He laughs, returning to the bar.
Zach hops up onto the counter, jerking his thumb towards Jesse. "They went out, too."
"What?" Zayn's eyebrows raise. He really has missed a lot, sulking. "You did?"
"We uh..." Jesse's hand flies to the back of his neck, "I asked her out," he says, and Zayn's eyes widen since this was new. "We talked," he shrugs, despite Zach's smug smile. "It was good, y'know...I guess."
"He's started writing love songs again," Zach whispers loudly, garnering a vicious glare from Jesse. "So, I'll say it," and here come the air quotes, "'was good,'" he smirks, "'I guess.'"
Jesse scowls. "Whatever," and he hops from the bar stool. "Just talk to Ana, man. I mean, right? The least you can do is talk to her."
If she'd listen.
Zayn runs his teeth over his lip. "She's not trying to talk to me."
"Then make her. C'mon, what's the worst that could happen?"
That she doesn't want him, anymore.
"Talk to her," Jesse says seriously, and Zayn listens because this is Jesse actually being serious with him. "'Cause she doesn't hate you," he shakes his head, "I promise you, she doesn't hate you."
Zayn scrubs his face with both hands.
"We'll see."
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YOU GUYS I LIVED FOR ALL OF YOUR REACTIONS TO THE LAST CHAPTER.
ALSO I WAS SO SURPRISED BY HOW MANY OF YOU WERE MAD AT ANAIS/ON #TEAMZAYN
Literally that shocked me. Anais is so invested in Zanais that I'm #TeamAna bc seriously Zayn are you not able to see that? I was mad at him for that and I wrote it lawlZ.
Yeah honestly I was mad at them both but...
Cue sad music.
Really wanna hear your reactions!
P.s., song dedicated to @lilhazeleyeddemon because she needed some Zayn but she also needed some Drake.
P.p.s. yes guys Chanel is supposed to be purposefully bad at Spanish...hehe. Glad you picked up on that 'cause I laughed writing those parts. *told you she and Liam were kinda faves*
Anyway, comment and vote bc now Zanais isn't together and I miss them together...
xxx