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Song recommendations: I Like me Better- Lauv
Dimple- BTS
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Jimin once again sat in his room, the curtains closed to let in no light, staring at the two options in front of him.
It's like the two inanimate objects were talking to him.
He sat with his knees drawn up, staring down at the phone to his left and the pocket knife to his right.
The left was telling him to call Jungkook- to hear the younger's soothing voice and ask him for help, just like they promised. He saw his bunny eyes and the concern in them. He felt the gentleness of his touches, telling him he will be all right, that he's there for him, calling him precious one more time.
He could imagine the way Jungkook would take him into his arms and drive away his demons which had haunted him worse than ever these past two weeks.
He glanced to the right, the demons taking a form as he stared at the knife.
Worthless. Whore. No one cares. Jungkook doesn't care...
Clearly he didn't. Ever since he saw Taehyung in front of school, the younger had ghosted him. The day after, he had sat alone in the auditorium, his heart aching more and more with every passing minute, but Jungkook never showed.
He didn't talk to him, didn't tease him, didn't do as much as look at him.
Ignored.
Abandoned.
Dirty slut. Nothing more than a body. No one loves you.
Not once did Jungkook reply to his texts.
Jimin had wanted to meet- to talk about what was bothering him, even though he had a pretty good idea.
No matter how close they had been that night in his room, Jungkook despised people like him. He didn't blame Taehyung for the way things had turned out between him and the younger.
It wasn't his fault Jungkook was such a hateful person.
And there he had been, in his arms, thinking Jungkook understood him the best- accepted all of him, broken or not.
You deserve it. You're disgusting. Worthless. No one cares. No one.
He saw the way Jungkook had looked at him as he stood next to Taehyung.
And only then did he believe him: Jungkook never truly hated him before.... Now he did.
His loathing had hit him hard, shattering all the gentleness he had received before. And his voice.... there was no sign of the boy who called him beautiful names and held him as he cried.
Why are you even trying? Everyone leaves you. Because you're worthless. Whore!
Holding his ears shut didn't do anything to drown out the voices.
He lowered them and a little defeated sob escaped him.
It was of no use to fight them. His demons always won.
He reached for the knife the way he had all those times before, breaking his promise to the boy who despised who he was.
***
The tap at his window jerked him awake.
He glanced at his watch. Not even eleven. He must have fallen asleep while watching some drama, his laptop still next to his head.
The tap came again.
He sat up in bed. Was it the wind? Or some kids who allowed themselves a joke?
He groaned, annoyed, as he walked over and ripped the window open, fully planning to yell at whoever woke him.
But the words died in his throats as a grinning Jungkook beamed up at him.
"Hi!", the young boy said as Jimin stood there with a gaping mouth.
Before he could say anything, the taller already pushed him back and climbed through the window.
The scent hit him a second later. He turned to watch the boy drop into his bed with a little giggle.
"Jungkook... are you... drunk?"
The younger turned to his side, resting his head on his hand as he grinned, his eyes unfocused and his cheeks red.
"What if I am? Are you -hk-going to punish me? You can try. I would -hk- love to see you try, tiny!"
He was slurring his words and hiccupping in the middle of his sentences.
His hair was unkempt, thick black strands falling into his face, and Jimin was immediately annoyed. How could he look such a mess and still be the most attractive guy he ever met?
"How much did you have to drink, JK?" Jimin asked, but stayed glued to his spot.
He still hadn't forgotten those last two weeks.
And just when he thought he might be able to get used to a life without him again, he had turned up out of the blue- shitfaced.
Jungkook laughed again.
"A lot I think, I don't know. I just started drinking from my fathers cabinet. Haha, and now everything is funny. Isn't it? And spinning, wow."
His hand slipped and his head bounced down to he bed where he buried it in giggles.
Jimin rolled his eyes and finally went to help the oversized baby.
No matter what happened, he had to do something.
"Come on, JK. Let's make you sleep it off."
He went down to get Jungkook's shoes off, untying the heavy black boots while Jungkook wriggled, making his job harder than it already was.
"Stop it, big baby. I'm just getting your shoes off."
He received a wild fit of giggles. "Baby, hahah, You're the baby! You're tiny. Tiny Jimin!"
Finally he managed to pull them off, then went around to bed to stand at his side.
"Take off your jacket at least."
Jungkook pouted, eyes wide and innocent as he shook his head.
"Really? You wanna sleep in that?"
He pointed at the thick black bomber Jacket.
He shook his head again.
"Then what?"
JK smiled. "You take it off."
He sat up in his bed, holding out his hands in a waiting gesture.
Jimin closed his eyes and took a long, steadying breath.
This could become a very exhausting and trying night.
For a moment he considered to just walk out the room, but pity gripped his heart.
There had to have been a reason Jungkook had chosen to get this drunk.
He never touched alcohol.
Seeing no other chance, he sighed and leaned forward, gripping the tall boys jacket and started peeling it off.
Jungkook had slid forward too and Jimin stopped breathing for a second as Jungkook's lips brushed over his neck, nuzzling him there with a giggle.
With trembling fingers he pulled off the jacket, then drew back, but Jungkook was faster.
In a surprisingly swift and strong move, the taller had grabbed Jimin around his waist, pulled him against his large chest and dropped back.
They went down together and the next thing Jimin knew, he ended up in a warm, tight embrace.
He felt and heard Jungkook's deep exhale, as if he was able to relax for the first time in weeks.
Jimin knew he should pull away.
And he was about to, when Jungkook let out a content sigh, buried his face in his hair and breathed: "My precious."
He lay there, listening to Jungkook's heartbeat as the word echoed in his head, over and over again, until the younger's breath evened out and Jimin knew he must have fallen asleep. Now was his time to wriggle out of the embrace- and yet he didn't.
Against his better judgment, he felt save and comfortable and for the first time in two weeks, utterly at ease. Home. This is what home felt like. He would probably regret this in the morning, but he closed his eyes too, snuggling against Jungkook as he fell into a deep, restful sleep.
***
He hugged his blanket tightly, feeling warm and happy.
That was the first thing that was weird.
When was the last time he had awoken happy?
And since when did his blanket move?
He blinked his eyes open and stared at the black fabric he lay on in confusion. And it was moving!
Then he sucked in a sharp breath as a flash of memory went through him and he glanced up.
And sure enough, he met the eyes of a very sleepy, yet surprised raven-haired boy, whose chest he'd been sleeping on.
"W-w-what am I doing here?" his morning voice croaked, the confusion audible as his body turned rigid, finally realizing he was in bed- with Jimin- hugging him.
"You don't remember?"
He shook his head, his hair ruffled and messy from sleep.
"I...I just remember going to my fathers wine cellar and then- nothing. I.. I came here?"
Jimin only nodded. What else was he going to say to explain how they ended up in this predicament?
"Shit." Jungkook cursed, letting Jimin go as if he burned himself.
He should have expected this reaction, but it hurt nonetheless as he watched Jungkook sit up and throw the blanket away.
He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his head in his hands groaning.
"Ah, my head." he let out through clenched teeth.
"Serves you right!" Jimin couldn't help but say as he got up too, the boys sitting next to each other but the distance appearing to be endless, just like the silence that stretched on.
"Did I do something? Did I say something?" he finally muffled into his hands, unable to look up and meet Jimin's eyes.
For a moment he considered fucking with him and making up a story about how they were intimate, only to see the horror in his eyes, but couldn't.
Not when Jungkook looked so shaken.
"No. You just passed out on my bed. But you should get home. It's already morning and your parents must be worried."
He kept his voice calm and neutral, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal that Jungkook had come to his house drunk in the middle of the night.
He watched as Jungkook just shook his head. "They're out of town until Sunday morning. Some conference in Busan. They wont know I left."
Jimin only remained silent.
With a sigh, the other boy lifted his head and finally turned to Jimin.
"I'm sorry for bothering you. It wont happen again."
He stood and Jimin stared at him as he collected his shoes.
"That's it? That's all you're gonna say?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"How about why you decided to get shitfaced in the first place?"
Jungkook ignored him, a frown on his face as he silently bound his shoes.
Jimin had enough. Anger gripped him as he shot up from the bed to stand in front of him.
"Silence again. So you think you can just tap at my window drunk, sleep in my bed while you hug me and then leave without an explanation? You're pathetic ! And a coward. If you have a problem with me just say it!"
" I don't have a fucking problem!" the younger suddenly yelled, straightening to his full height, his breath heavy and angry, his face red like last night as he glowered down at Jimin.
"I made a mistake coming here. You have a boyfriend!"
"So what if I do?" Jimin screamed back, throwing his fists in the air.
"Are you really that ignorant, JK? Are you really such a piece of shit to hold that against me? To hate me for it?"
Jungkook's eyes widened at his outburst, but it wasn't his face he was looking at.
He shot forward suddenly, gripping his wrist tightly.
Before Jimin could stop him, the other boy had pulled up his long pajama sleeves and revealed the aftermath of the last two weeks. The most recent scars were only done last morning, their color a deep, angry red, and the other's in the process of healing too, having crusted over with black scabs.
He tried to snap his hand away, but Jungkook's grip was tight.
When he looked up, the mix of anger and worry on his face took his breath away.
"You didn't call me," he accused him reproachfully.
Jimin tugged so hard at his wrist it hurt, but Jungkook finally let go.
"Why should I? Clearly you don't give a shit anyway."
JK's eyes narrowed.
"You promised you would call!"
He stumbled back at the loud, unexpected outburst.
"It's not your problem anymore, JK. You made it clear you don't want anything to do with me anymore."
Jimin gulped hard as he saw Jungkook's hands form fists, the veins on his arms and neck popping out in anger.
"Then you should have called Taehyung for fuck's sake!"
"He doesn't know about it! I never told him!"
Jimin was so angry, he didn't even care about waking the others in the house.
"Why not? He's your boyfriend!"
Okay, Jimin had enough. He swung at Jungkook, smacking him hard across the face, tears of hurt and anger streaming down his face.
Jungkook looked utterly shaken, his face pale and ashen as he stared back at him, holding his cheek.
"I get it! You hate people like us! I really thought you cared, you know. That's the worst. I actually thought someone finally understood and accepted me. And here you are, blaming me. ME! Yes, I like boys and girls. I can't change it, JK. I can't change who I am. Not for you or anyone!"
If possible, Jungkook's eyes had widened more, his mouth hanging ajar looking at the raging, tiny boy in front of him.
"Jimin, I-"
"NO!" He pushed against Jungkook's chest hard enough to make him stumble back. He didn't raise a hand to defend himself or made any signs of fighting back.
"You don't get to talk. I've had enough! You think you can barge in in the middle of the night, drunk or not, call me precious and hug me and make me feel safe only to look down on me in the morning? Do you think I'm made out of stone? Did you ever think about what I had to go through when you just suddenly ignored me just because you hate some boy who kissed you in like third grade? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to be so close to you, for you to hug me and touch me and tell me I'm precious, just to have you treat me like shit because of what gender I like?"
His chest was heaving hard, his thoughts a jumbled mess of hurt and disappointment.
Jungkook gaped like a fish on land before slowly saying: "But you have a boyfriend."
Jimin laughed out loud in frustration, throwing his hands up.
"Oh, you are just unbelievable! Taehyung is not my boyfriend for heaven's sake! We dated once, yes, but that's long over. He's already planning on moving in with his current boyfriend if you must know. We're just friends. Close friends even. So don't think you have a right to make me choose between him or you, because that means you really don't know me at all."
Jungkook had taken half a step back, looking like Jimin just punched him again. With a quivering voice he whispered: "Not you're boyfriend?"
"No. And now leave. I want to be alone. Apparently that's all I'll ever be."
His expression changed, the emotions on his face flickering like TV channels, too fast for Jimin to decipher. He still made no signs of leaving, staring and staring until he again repeated: "Not your boyfriend?"
Jimin sighed, shaking his head. "No. I told you he's just a-"
He never got to finish his sentence.
In the blink of an eye, Jungkook had shot forward, taken his face into his hands as he walked Jimin backwards until they hit the wall. The breath got knocked out of him as he collided with the hard surface.
No words could describe the shock and surprise he felt, as Jungkook trapped his body against the wall. He felt all of it: His large, strong chest heaving heavily against his, Jungkook's leg pressed between his and the trembling hands holding his face tightly, almost painfully so.
His eyes were dark and hooded as they dropped down to his lips.
He didn't know how to breath.
No way...
There was no way....
Jungkook kissed him.
It wasn't a peck or a soft brush of his lips.
Jungkook claimed his mouth, his tongue almost angrily exploring his, causing his world to explode in heat and desire.
There was nothing but Jungkook's lips moving against his, leaning his bend head to the side to kiss him harder.
His scent and his taste was everywhere, filling him, undoing him as he kissed him back, forgetting about the impossibility of it as he brought his hands around his neck, slightly lifting him off his feet.
This is what he had wanted- dreamed off the last weeks and the reality outdid all his imagination by far.
Jungkook pressed his body even closer against his, causing Jimin to moan into his mouth when he felt just how tall and trained he was.
A hand left his face, traveling up to his hair where Jungkook not so gently grabbed a fistful and pulled, pushing his head upwards to give him an even better angel, kissing him harder, hungrier.
A growl traveled up in the taller's throat, making his legs feel weak and useless, his body shivering beneath him.
His other hand- Oh God. Jimin was going to catch on fire as he felt the other boy's fingers traveling south, over his neck, down to his collarbone and chest.
He exhaled a sharp breath which was caught by Jungkook's mouth as his hands grazed his nipples though his shirt. He didn't stop, continuing his way down his ribs, over his waist where he didn't hesitate to let his hand slipped under the shirt.
Skin met skin.
He moaned, utterly taken by surprise at the intensity of Jungkook's hot hand on his naked waist, gripping it hard, pulling him even closer...
"Jungkook," he let out, muffled by the other boys lips moving against his.
But the small sound still managed to rip Jungkook out of whatever the hell this was.
He drew his head away, his lips swollen and red as his eyes lingered on Jimin's lips, then his breathing hitched and only then did his eyes widen, realizing what just happened.
Unlike Jimin, who was finally, utterly speechless and beyond confused.
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
This made no sense. No sense at all. Jungkook hated people like him. His religion called them abominations, laying with a person of the same sex a sin in God's eyes.
And yet...
"I... I don't understand." he stammered out when he began to realize Jungkook wasn't going to speak unless he said something.
The pressure on his body disappeared and if it weren't for the wall to lean on, he would have crumbled to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
The two boys looked at one another, both breathing hard, both utterly overwhelmed by what just passed between them.
Jimin, surprisingly, was the first to find his voice again.
"Explain. You have to explain, or I think I'll go crazy, because I have no idea what just happened."
Jungkook looked down at his feet, his shoulders dropping. Slowly, he took a step back. Then another. Then another until he hit the edge of the bed and sat down, dropping heavily on the bedsheets in defeat.
His hair hung into his face.
Jimin couldn't stand to not see his expression, so he walked forward and went on his feet in front of him, pushing the strands behind his ear.
"Please. Make me understand."
He was about to draw his hand away again when Jungkook caught his wrist. Then gently, he guided his tiny hand to lay against his cheek.
He took a deep breath, then raised his eyes.
Jimin could not move a single muscle as those dark eyes looked at him- into him.
"I'm Gay. Always have been. Always will be, no matter how hard I try to change it."
Jimin was a breath away from breaking out in hysterical laughter. Right. Jungkook. Gay.
Wait...
"What?!?"
Jungkook sighed as he went on, not letting Jimin draw away his hands. Almost as if he was drawing strength from him.
"I never hated Taehyung for being into boys. I hated him because he showed me that I was. And I tried so hard... So hard every day to change it. I told myself it wasn't true... Shit, I even slept with a random girl in bible camp just to convince myself that I was just confused.
I told you I never hated you, Jimin, but that was a lie. I did hate you. I hated you because every day, I had to watch the one thing I wanted but couldn't have.
I was jealous of the way you openly announced it. The way you were not ashamed of who and what you liked. Then I was jealous because other people got to have you and I could only watch and be so damn angry all the time.
It's why I felt so trapped- so lost. I'm the worst kind of person to let that anger out on you. But if I hadn't I was afraid you would see. See me, and see how much I always wanted you."
A tear escaped Jungkook's eyes as he heaved in loudly. He reached down to stroke over Jimin's cheeks, his chin, his lips as the smaller boy could do nothing but stare and listened. It was just too incredible- too impossible. All this time, Jungkook had secretly liked him?
"And I wasn't angry at Taehyung for being gay, or at you for being bi. I was jealous. Because just when I thought I finally had you, you were in another one's arms. And you looked so happy and-I'm so sorry..." he broke off with a sob rocking his body.
And even though Jimin was still stunned beyond speechless, he stood up, straddled the crying boy and pulled him against him in a tight embrace.
His arms came around his body a second later, still crying as he hugged Jimin back, holding on to him- finally holding on to him.
Jungkook's cries were the only sound in the room as Jimin brushed through his hair, soothing him, letting him know he was there without having to say a word, just like he had done for him.
Eventually though, he drew away taking Jungkook's head into both hands and making him look at him. He wiped away his tears.
"Listen to me, carefully, dove. Being gay is no sin. It's not wrong. It's who you are. Your God is not one of hate, he is one of love and how can it be wrong to love, no matter what gender?"
Jungkook's lips quivered, even as he nodded.
"I know. But... my parents... they will never understand. They will hate me. And my father's career is bound to Lisa's father. Even though our relationship is noting but platonic, there is also nothing I can change about it. I have to be with her. I have to do right by my parents. They may be strict, but they raised me. They love me. And I do love them. My father taught me how to ride a bike. How to write and read and how to fly a kite, driving me to singing lessons every Tuesdays and clapped the loudest when I had a solo. I still see his beaming, proud face and the way I felt to happy to have a father like him.
My mother sang to me every night until I fell asleep and when I'm sick, she always cooks me my favorite dish and sits by my bed until I feel better. She would read me stories when I was scared of the dark and hug me closely when I got my first flue shot and cried. They're not bad people. They deserve to have a son they can be proud of. But that's not me and it's killing me."
Jimin's heart hurt for him. He understood too well. For the one's Jimin loved, he was willing to sacrifice himself. It was the same for Jungkook.
He sighed, but didn't let go of his face.
"It's okay. I understand, dove. We don't have to rush into this. I'm not telling you to come out to them or anyone else if you don't want to. Take your time. And no matter what happens, you have me now. I'm not letting you go through this alone.
I'll support whatever decision you'll make, as long as you tell me and you're not trying to do this by yourself again."
A shudder went through the taller's body.
"Oh God, Jimin, you really are too precious for this world, do you know that?"
The small boy only shook his head then leaned forward to press a small, soft but lingering kiss on his lips.
"I don't care about the rest of the world, as long as I'm someone precious to you."
"You are. You always will be."
Jungkook closed the space between them again, kissing him softly. Promising kisses. Kisses that drowned out all the pain and the misery, all the dark thoughts in his head and the voices-
For the first time in ages, they were silent.
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So, that was... intense, I guess.
Keep loving, be kind and find your own way.
사랑해!!
-your Talia