I had a hundred questions and I didn't even know where I could start to get answers. Certainly not from my mother, because she was dead.
Deceased.
Like actually gone, not just dead to me anymore, dead to the whole world. Ceasing to exist. No longer alive. Kicked the bucket.
I raided my memories for any of a happy time, a time she told me she loved me, a time she acted like a mother. All that came up was the image of her frothing at the mouth, needle marks in her arm, and the scowl she gave me all through my childhood when dad would tell me he loved me, as though it wasn't possible for him to love us both.
I wondered how she could have another child and I not even know, she never even mentioned it, not even while high and unsure of what she was saying.
Six years old. Six years of having a half brother that I didn't even know existed. I did the math, I was in foster care by then. What I didn't know was if she was already pregnant when I found her nearly dead, or was it after I was gone. Did she bring someone else into my fathers bed? Was he even ok, or did he have permanent disabilities from a mother addicted to heroin through her pregnancy.
I wondered where he was. I could only assume he was put straight into the foster system from birth. Was he still there, being passed from home to home or had he been adopted? Was he happy with a real family or did he feel eternally miserable? Forever wondering about the parents who left him behind.
Did he look like me? I had my mother's eyes and nose, did he? Or perhaps he looked like his father, whoever that may be. I doubt my mother even knew.
Sanders. Beau Sanders. She had given him her maiden name. Makes sense I suppose, Walters was dads name and he was most definitely not my fathers son. I wonder if he knew who his mother was, or that he has a half sister. Six years old sounds like the right age to start asking questions and wondering about who you are. If he knew about me, would he want me to find him? Do I want to find him?
I suppose that's the most important question of them all. This could change my life. Who am I kidding, it already has changed my life.
I'm not ready, nor willing to be a parent to a six year old, or any child for that matter. I worked too damn hard to get where I am and throwing parental responsibilities in would jeopardise everything. It's not just me, it's Joey too. Decisions I make, impact on him too. They affect our relationship. Would he stick by me, take on a child if that's what it came to? Could I even expect that from him? I don't think so, not if I'm not willing to myself.
What good would meeting him do, if I was just going to leave him behind again. My own selfish curiosity could do more harm than good. But then if he is struggling in the system, struggling to find his place in the world, his happiness, then who am I to deny him his only real family? If it were me, I would want to know I had a sibling.
I had a hundred questions.
"Hey," Joey said softly, handing me a cup of tea.
I looked up at him, smiling gratefully as I accepted the mug. "Hi."
"How you doing? You've been up here alone for a while."
He was right. After my panic attack I retreated to Joey's room, to our room. I still wasn't used to saying that. I have been sitting on the brown leather couch in the sitting area of our suite just thinking. Processing. Or trying to.
"I don't know Joey. I don't know what to do, I don't know how, or where to begin, I just don't know. It's... a lot."
"You don't have to decide anything right away. You don't even have to talk about it until you are ready. But I'm here, Harper and Ali, my parents too. We are all here for you and we can all help you. You aren't alone at all."
I nodded, taking his hand and squeezing it to reassure him that I heard him, that I understood him.
"I love you so much. Thank you for helping me, calming me down. I haven't had a panic attack like that for a really, really long time."
"There's no need to thank me Morgan. I'm just glad you are ok, you scared me, but I'd do anything to help you. I love you too, more than I think you realise."
We sat in silence for a little while, drinking our tea, holding hands. His thumb gently stroking the back of my hand.
"She's really gone," I muttered after some time. "Surely I don't need to organise a funeral for her? Who would even go if not even I would want to?"
"I don't think you do. I'm sure the prison takes care of these things all the time."
"Hmm," I mused.
"We can talk about it all tomorrow or even the next day. Mom left you some dinner downstairs. Maybe a shower, eat something then we'll put a movie we've seen a hundred times on," Joey suggested gently.
"Sure, that would be nice," I replied, remembering that I was still sitting here in my bikini and one of Joey's t-shirts.
The next morning when I woke up, for one blissful moment everything was normal. Until the memories of the previous day came flooding back. I threw my arm out in search of Joey's warm, hard body, only to feel nothing. He was already up. I glanced at the alarm clock on his side table, 10.03. I never slept this late.
I pulled myself out of bed and to the bathroom. One look in the mirror confirmed my suspicions, I looked awful. I splashed some water over my face and tied my hair up in a messy bun, making my way downstairs for coffee without bothering to change out of my pyjamas.
"Morning," I said as I entered the large open room where Joey was sitting at the dining table with his parents and Harper, looking deep in serious discussion. They stopped talking when I entered, so I can only assume it was about me.
"Hey," Joey said as he got up and walked towards me, quickly wrapping me up in his arms. I felt safe, protected, and loved, just by being in his arms. He somehow made me feel like everything would be ok without really doing anything.
"How you feeling?" He asked, concern lacing his voice as he pulled away and placed his finger under my chin, tilting my head to his.
"I'm ok. I didn't mean to sleep so late."
"Your body needed to recover from yesterday. Go sit down, I'll get you a coffee," he said, placing a gentle, quick kiss on my lips.
I sat beside Harper, she placed her hand over mine and squeezed.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday," she apologised unnecessarily.
"Don't be ridiculous. I don't think anyone saw this coming," I shook my head at her.
Joey returned to the table, placing a coffee in front of me and returning to his seat next to his father and opposite me.
I took a sip, focusing for just a moment on the glorious taste of the coffee. Then I took a deep breath.
"So, I think I have to go to San Diego," I sighed. I knew that even though I never planned on returning, I had to. I think I knew from the moment I got that phone call.
No one replied for a moment, perhaps sensing that I had more to say. "Polly, Penny, whatever her name was. She said my mother left a letter for me. There might be some answers. I think I need answers."
Sophia was first to speak, "Of course sweetie. We sort of thought as much. We can get you both on a plane tomorrow."
"Assuming you want me to come?" Joey questioned quickly.
"Yes, your coming. I can't do this without you!" I exclaimed. "Actually, Sophia, this might be a lot to ask, but would you maybe be able to come too?"
"Me? Are you sure?"
"Yes. I... I don't know yet about finding my brother, but you know what it's like. The foster system that is. So if I decide that I want to, I might need your help. Also, I'd really appreciate your support, like as a parental figure," I finished nervously.
"Oh Morgan!" she exclaimed, tears in her eyes as she stood up from her seat and came towards me. I stood at the same time so she could embrace me in a hug. The sort of motherly hug I only ever received from Helen.
"I'll absolutely come to help you, support you, both of you. Whatever you need from me. I'm relieved you asked."
"Thank-you."
"What are your reservations for finding your brother Morgan?" David asked as Sophia and I sat back down again, both wiping away tears.
"So many things," I sighed. "The biggest one is what will happen next. If he is still in the system, jumping from home to home, I won't be able to leave him there. But, I'm not prepared to be a guardian. That's also not just my choice," I gestured to Joey who's eyes grew wide at the thought. "I have to consider both of us, our relationship."
"If you wanted to care for him, I would stand by you Morgan," Joey insisted.
"How can you just say that like it's a given? If I'm not prepared to act as a parent, I wouldn't expect you to either."
"I think for now that might be getting ahead of ourselves," David interrupted.
"Yes, David is right. Besides, there is every chance that he could have been adopted already. We don't know until we start to make enquires," Sophia voiced thoughts I had already had too.
"I know," I sighed again. "It's just so much to think about. There are so many variables. I think I start with the letter and any information my mother left behind and go from there."
"Alright. Well I'll book some flights for the three of you. What are you kids going to get up to today?" David asked.
I looked to Joey, then Harper and we all shrugged.
"I might start with a shower," I said, excusing myself from the table and making my way upstairs.
I stepped into the shower, letting the warm water relax my body. The anxiety of this situation had me subconsciously clenching my muscles, and I hadn't realised until I let myself breath properly.
"Mind if I join you?" I heard Joey say, having sensed his presence before he spoke.
"Please," I reply, sending a small smile his way.
In an instant he was behind me, sharing the stream and soaping up the loofah, gently caressing my body.
"Mom appreciates you asking her to come more than you realise," he said.
"I appreciate her wanting to come. I couldn't do any of this without you, without any of your family support really."
"Morgan," Joey began, then turned me around to face him. "What you said downstairs. You know if it came to it, and you took custody of Beau, I wouldn't leave you and I would be by your side helping you."
"How can you just say that? You say it like it's the simplest solution."
"Because family means everything to me. You are my family now too, and by extension so is Beau and if he needed a safe and stable home, I would want to be able to offer him that."
"You're too much, too good."
"Look, let's not get worked up about it. We don't know what his situation is yet or where he is. I just want you to know that no matter what, you have my support."
Instead of replying with words, I placed my hand firmly on the back of his head, pulling him towards me, covering his mouth with my own. Joey matched the emotion behind the kiss, pulling me closer to him so our body's touched at every point possible.
I couldn't express enough how much his words and actions meant to me with my own words, but I could show him and he was more than responsive. He pushed me against the wall of the shower, our lips still firmly locked together, as I wrapped my legs around his hips.
"Are you sure you want this now?" He asked, breathless, turned on and yet concerned for me over his own need and wants.
"Yes. I need this, I need you. I love you Joey, I appreciate you and everything you stand for and everything you do for me. Right now, I need you to make love to me."
A/N
Weewwww.. So much serious emotion I need a breather!
I'm hoping to be able to post again this week, because this is always on my mind. But I'm also an adult and have a crazy work schedule this week that needs my attention (although we all know what I'd rather be doing 😉) .
Oh and I updated the cover, I dunno about you but I think this one represents Joey and Morgan so much more.