Taylor woke up to the sound of her phone alarm blaring next to her head. She groaned as her hand aimlessly searched for the device. Once she had it in her grasp, she turned the alarm off. She turned to her back and started to rub the sleep from her eyes.
A loud meow came from beside the singer's head.
She quickly looked over to see Meredith sitting on the pillow beside her. "Okay, okay... I'll get up." She said with a small sigh before doing just that.
Taylor walked to the bathroom to take care of her morning routine before she headed downstairs to the kitchen. After filling the cats' bowls with food and water, she started on her own breakfast. Once she had food on her plate, and a mug of coffee, she headed into the living room to eat. That's when she noticed that she had left her phone in the bedroom. So, she went to get it.
Once she had grabbed her phone, she saw the handful of notifications on her screen, none of which really interested her other than the two from Ivy on Instagram. She bit her lip as she walked back to the living room. She sat down on the sofa, turned on the TV, and unlocked her phone.
Maybe... again? I have a feeling your maybes mean yes.
A few hours had passed before Ivy sent another message.
I'm assuming you went to sleep. I'm sorry if I crossed any lines that I shouldn't have. Anyway, goodnight. And thank you once again for taking the time out of your day to talk to me. It really meant a lot to me since I never got to meet you in person when I saw you on tour. Hopefully, one day I can meet you.
Taylor smiled softly as she read the message. She took a bite of her omelet before typing back.
You don't have to apologize or anything. You didn't cross any lines. I just fell asleep before I could reply. I'm sorry about that. And I would love to be able to meet you one day. I really miss touring, seeing everyone, getting the chance to meet you guys. I think I remember seeing you before. Did you use to have brown hair?
She pressed send before she set her phone aside to finish eating her breakfast. She turned on some music while she cleaned up the kitchen, and then grabbed herself a bottle of water. She grabbed her phone off the counter as she walked over to her piano to get back to work. She sat down on the stool, smiling when she saw a message from Ivy.
I'm so glad that I didn't cross any lines. I would feel awful if I did. I did use to have brown hair! I went to a few shows. I first saw you on your Fearless tour. I was 18 then. A few friends of mine and I went to that to see you in Dallas. But when I moved to New York, I saw you on the Red and 1989 tour. I was supposed to see you on the Rep tour, but I ended up working that weekend. However, I did have tickets for Loverfest.
Taylor always felt like her heart was going to explode when she felt so much admiration from her fans, especially with someone she was starting to care about.
Wow! I can't believe you've been to so many of them. Hopefully, when everything gets back to normal, I'll be able to see you at Loverfest. I felt awful canceling it, but I knew it was for the best.
I agree. And don't feel bad. We all know we'll still be able to see you in the future. I'll be amazing no matter when it is.
Taylor chewed on her lip. She didn't know what the future held, but especially with a new album on the way. She felt like after releasing it, it would change what Loverfest was going to be.
I really hope so. I have to remind myself that every day because sometimes I feel like it'll never be back to normal.
Taylor sighed to herself. She grabbed her notebook and propped it up before going to the last page she had written on. At the top of the page, she had a few titles written out: Cardigan, Your Favorite, or Twenty Lifetimes. She pulled up the voice notes on her phone before resting her phone atop of piano.
As her fingers rested on the keys, her phone dinged. She grabbed it and smiled when she saw there was another message from Ivy.
I know it's really hard right now. This year I was supposed to fly to Paris for a fashion show, and then back to New York for fashion week. But it's all been canceled for now, so I'm not sure what's going to happen now. It's scary.
Taylor frowned as she read the message over.
I'm so sorry. I know it's hard right now. But hopefully, by then things will be better. At least, that's what I'm hoping for.
Me too. Anyway, I'm sure you have something to do, so I'll let you go! Once again, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to talk to me. You've always meant so much to me, so getting to talk to you, even through texts, means the world to me.
You don't have to thank me. I try and talk to everyone I possibly can. Thank you for being a fan for such a long time. That means the world to me. And I really don't have to go. I'm just sitting at my piano playing around with some sounds.
Taylor clicked out of Instagram to pull her voice memo back up. She turned it on before setting her phone back down. Her fingers rested on the keys, and she started humming a melody as she started playing the keys.
After she had recorded what she had already written, added some lyrics, and written a few new ones, she pressed stop recording. She titled it Cardigan and sent it to Jack for now.
As she went to record more, there was a notification at the top of her screen from Ivy. She clicked on it with a smile.
Oh, you don't have to thank me either. You're just someone who makes me feel things with music, and you've helped me so much in life in general. When Miss Americana came out, I was a sobbing mess, because I relate so much to a lot of the things that you talked about.
Oh, some new sounds?
Taylor smiled sadly at her screen.
I'm so glad that I could have helped you with things. I heard that a lot of people say that about the documentary, which was definitely not what I meant to happened, but I'm so thankful that I'm not the only one struggling with those things. Because I know when you are, you feel so alone. So, I'm glad that I could make others feel not so alone, and it made me not feel so alone either. And yes, but it's only about halfway done.
When Taylor hit send on the message, she realized what she had said. "Shit... fuck..." she chewed on her lip for a moment, trying to think of what to say to backtrack, but for some reason, she felt like she could trust the other woman with anything. Maybe that was naïve of her, but she went with the feeling.
☹️ that's so not true. I know there are so many other people in your life that are there for you besides us. I could even give you a list of people
I'm trying not to freak out over the fact that there might be a new song. Holy shit...
Taylor smiled before she let out a small chuckle.
I know, a couple of my friends text me every day. I have one friend that I facetime at least four times a week so that we still see each other since we're in different parts of LA right now. We used to live pretty close to one another, but she recently moved into a new house.
And please don't tell anyone!
I won't tell anyone, I promise! I'm not big in the fandom anymore anyway. I stepped back from it when I started working more. But when I was 17-20 I was on Tumblr. I also know what you mean, a lot of my friends and I are doing everything via our phones and computers right now. Which is understandable. I want everything and everyone to be safe and healthy.
You were on Tumblr? What was your username? I probably stalked you at one point.
Taylor's eyes went wide when she realized how awful that sounded. She quickly typed up another message.
I don't mean that in a creepy way if that's the way it sounded.
I know you didn't mean it in a creepy way!! I was in a group chat back then and we all wondered if you stalked our pages. Back then I was tears_on_my_guitar, my name was Ashley then, that's my birth name, but I go by Ivy now.
Oh, my God, I do remember you! Back then I remember when you got your 13 tattoo!
Yes! I posted about it on Tumblr when I got it when I turned 19. I got it for a few reasons, but obviously, one reason was you. It's also my lucky number. I was born on Friday the 13th at 1:13 am. Good/weird things always happened on the 13th of whatever month it may be. Like, I got my first modeling gig when I was 13 on the 13th of November.
Taylor smiled to herself as she read the message.
That's so wonderful to hear. I've had the same experiences. Weird or good things always happen on a 13th or have to do with the number 13 in one way or another. It's always been my lucky number.
Yes! Same here. When I was 18, I sighed a contract with my first big modeling company for 13 shoots. It was probably one of the best modeling opportunities I've ever had. The show in Paris this year was supposed to be on the 13th, and I just had a really good feeling about it.
I'm so sorry it was canceled. I really hope you get the chance again. I know it's hard when things like that fall through.
I hope so, too. My agent said that next year, they're going to try again, but who knows how things will be by then.
I'm sure next year things will be better. Is there anything you've been doing during lockdown?
I've mostly been catching up on shows I missed while working. I taught my two dogs, Lily and Poppy some tricks. But my cat, Violet, hasn't been too interested in anything other than sunbathing on the balcony or chasing the laser.
Oh, wait, I'll show you a video of them. Hold on!
Taylor smiled to herself as a video popped up. She clicked on it, smiling even more than before as she watched two dogs on command, lay down, rolled over, and then the bulldog stood on her back legs for a treat. Another video popped up after that, and Taylor couldn't contain her laughter. She watched as Violet chased after a laser on the floor, to the wall, and tried to jump to get it.
Oh, my God! They're all adorably cute! I know how hard it can be to train cats to do anything. When you have three of them, you get used to them just being your cuddle buddies or tearing up everything in sight.
Yes! Violet is the cuddliest cat I've ever met. They really help in a time when we can't see anyone. Are you not staying with anyone?
Taylor bit her lip softly as she read the message.
Not right now. Both of my parents are in their homes across the country. My brother is in NYC with his girlfriend. And my friends are all over the place, so I'm by myself for now.
I'm so sorry. I know how hard it can be.
It's okay. I get to still see everyone over the phone. My parents and I are waiting for everything to calm down before I go see them.
I can't even imagine how hard that is. I'm so sorry.
It's okay, I'm used to it. The older I've gotten, the less my parents go on tour with me. Of course, my mom comes when she can, but my dad is more involved with the money side of things mostly now. I've gotten better about not seeing them all of the time. I'm just too used to spending my free time with at least my mom, but we FaceTime at least once a week to talk about things, which is all I could ask for.
I totally understand what you mean. I'm like that with Jenny, we text and FaceTime as much as we can, but as I mentioned yesterday, the time apart is kind of nice, as much as I hate to say that.
No, I understand. Sometimes time apart is the best in a rough situation. That's what made me realize I had to break up with someone a while ago. We just had too many problems that couldn't be fixed, and time apart made me realize that because when we spent time together, I felt like maybe it was worth it.
Taylor gnawed on her lower lip as she wrote the message. She was hoping she was being cryptic enough that Ivy wouldn't know who or what she was talking about. She knew that her fans knew about all of her relationships, even if they weren't publicized.
She saw the typing bubble pop up, and then disappear a few times before a message finally appeared.
I don't want to pry about that, but I think I know what you're talking about. If you don't want to talk about it, I understand, but if you do, I'm here to listen.
Thank you. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it right now. I'm doing what I always do, which is use my music as therapy. It really helps me with that part of things. I haven't really talked to anyone about it besides Selena and Jack. Aaron knows some things, but not the whole scope. I think he will eventually if these songs I'm working on come out. I know he'll ask about some things eventually.
At least you have a way to work through it. That's what matters the most, and that you have a person or two that you can talk to about these things. Keeping those shitty feelings bottled up never ends well.
I know. I've learned that a time or two already. I know I can't keep doing that to myself. I was already starting to come to terms with it when I wrote Lover. But there are some songs that I didn't put on Lover that I think would've said more than I was ready to say at the time.
And that's okay. You need to say things when you're ready, not when everyone else wants you to. That's the thing about breakups – it's a process and everyone heals differently. Everyone has a different way of going about that healing process, too.
Thank you. I know some fans have an idea of what went on, but don't know the whole story. I don't think I could even tell the full story to fans because it would be too much. Some things have to stay private, and not even for my sake, but to the other person. I still care deeply about them, and I wouldn't want to hurt them any more than I already have.
I agree. It's tasteless. I hate when celebrities go through a breakup or a divorce and air everything that went down. It's no one business but the two parties involved.
Exactly! I don't think it's fair to the other person to tell just your side, because it's your perspective, and it might be totally different than what they felt. I don't want to make them sound like a monster because that's how I saw things.
Yeah, I get that. It's one reason why I haven't really told anyone about things with Jenny yet. The way I see things are the way that I see them... it could be the complete opposite for her.
It also depends on exactly what went down. Like, how severe were the things that happened? Were they petty fights of jealousy or something more severe like cheating, selling you out to someone, or something even worse than that?
I think it's complicated with Jenny. Things have always been complicated with us. I met her when I was young. She's 10 years older than I am, so I looked up to her for advice on life. I feel like it's my fault for some of the things that happened because I just took her word on things that now, being older, I shouldn't have.
Taylor bit her lip as she read the message over a few times. She took a deep breath as she finally started typing back.
It does sound complicated. I'm sorry about that, but I know the feeling. I've been there, not only romantically, but in business relationships, too. But, as I said, it depends on what the specifics are. And like I said, if you need someone to talk about it with, I'm here to listen if you would like, of course.
Thank you so much, but like you said before, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about everything yet. I think I really need to sort out some things with Jenny before I just on anything that I want to do.
I understand, and you're welcome. It's always best to try and talk things out, and if that doesn't work, then go from there. That's what I had to do with the person I was talking about before.
Yeah... we haven't really talked about our problems since she left for LA a few months ago. We've just been avoiding it, which I know isn't good.
No, it's not, but I know how hard it can be to bring those things up. Do it when you think the time is right.
That's the plan. Thank you, really. This is a very validating conversation for me.
Have you been wondering if it's all in your head?
Taylor typed the message before she could even think about the words that her thumbs spelled out. She knew what it was like to be told that nothing was wrong and that it was all in her head. She was starting to worry for the other woman.
When Taylor looked back at the screen, she saw that Ivy had read her message, but wasn't typing back yet. Her worry only grew.
As she started to contemplate apologizing, Ivy's message popped up.
Yes. Before she left, I knew that we had an issue, but I didn't know how to go about having a conversation. So, a few nights before she left, I just said, "Maybe we should try therapy," and her reply was, "Why do we need therapy? We're happily married." Which is total bullshit. We fight constantly. We always have... I just thought it was normal because that's the way my parents were when they were alive.
Taylor let out a heavy breath before biting her lip.
I'm so sorry to hear about your parents. I know what that's like. I had to learn that a few things about relationships aren't normal because I thought it was due to the way my parents act toward each other. I'm trying not to repeat my parents' relationship, and I think that's why so many relationships haven't worked out.
Oh, it's okay. It's been about 14 years since they died. But I get what you're saying. It's really hard to know what's healthy when what you grew up with wasn't that.
Exactly. As sad as that is to say. I love both of my parents more than anything in the world, but they're not the best role models when it comes to relationships. I think it took them getting divorced to realize that, too. I mean, my stepdad treats my mom like a queen. Granted my dad did, too, but it was for different reasons.
Taylor's eyes grew wide when she reread the message she had sent. She quickly typed up another.
Wow, sorry, that's a conversation for my therapist.
You don't have to apologize, really. I know exactly what you mean. I'd like to think that if my parents were still alive, they would've gotten divorced and found better people. My best friend's parents got divorced when we were 18. They were the worst people together. But now, they're both remarried, and you wouldn't recognize them now. They're such different people.
Sometimes all it takes is taking time apart and being around someone new to bring out the real you, and not who you were molded to be while you were in that toxic relationship.
I completely agree.
As Taylor went to type her message, she saw Ivy was typing again.
Can I ask you a question, and if it's too much, or you have no idea how to answer it, that's completely okay?
Of course!
Is that what it took you to notice that your ex, or at least your relationship, was toxic? Stepping away and being around someone new?
Partially. There were times that I just couldn't be with them, due to tour, or their work. And, sometimes when I was lonely, I would be with someone else. We both did this, and we knew about it. So, it wasn't like we were really cheating on each other. But I think it did help me realize that the relationship was bad for both of us because the new relationship I was forming was so much better than what I was in at the time. But, at least for me, there were a lot of factors that went into us eventually breaking up. Things that hopefully aren't an everyday occurrence.
I get what you're saying... that helped. Thank you. Really, I'm so thankful that I've been able to talk to you and get some advice about things.
You really don't have to keep thanking me, Ivy. I'm so glad that I can help.