Chapter 40
I was in the shower the next afternoon when the text came in. I didn't see it when I got out; I blow dried my hair, got dressed, and tried to eat a banana. I was too nervous. Or excited. I wasn't sure.
Caleb and Fox had left gone out to lunch and then band practice. They knew Bennett would be back soon, so I knew they were planning to stay out of the apartment for a good part of the day.
I still hadn't looked at my phone when there was a knock at the door. I crossed the room and pulled it open, not really thinking about who would be on the other side.
Bennett was staring back at me, just a moment later. I had been thinking that I would get a text or a call, so I could better prepare myself. But I hadn't seen the text and there he was.
"Hi," he said, smiling. His hair fell into his eyes a bit as he looked down at me.
I opened my mouth but nothing came out, and then he was hugging me, hard. I hugged him back. He smelled good and my body reacted to his touch immediately. I pulled him into the apartment as soon as we separated.
"You're here," I finally said, touching his face.
"For good," he answered, nodding.
I was still a bit thrown off that he had surprised me and my next words just came out without any thought process. "What about Stone?"
Bennett looked confused, not expecting me to say anything about that right away. "Uh, he actually is in jail. Another guy who was selling for him turned him in, when he heard what he did to me."
"Oh. That's good," I said, now taking his hand and pulling him towards the couch. "So, wow. You're home."
"Finally. I felt like I was away from you for a year," he answered, grinning at me.
"You haven't even known me for a year," I spat out, then bit my lip. I was full of terrible things to say, apparently.
"Right, I know." He narrowed his eyes at me, but squeezed my hand. "Hey, what's going on with you?"
"Nothing. I'm just... overwhelmed, I guess."
"I missed you so much. The last few weeks went so slow. Just knowing I was coming back to you... it helped me hold out hope."
Suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I had no idea what to say. I'd never had anyone feel this strongly about me, or being with me.
"Iris... are we good? You seem weird," he told me, and I could tell I was really messing this up. "And you didn't come to get me -"
"I didn't know I was supposed to," I said quickly.
"No, that's not what I meant. I know... I was gone a long time. But you waited, right? I'm here now," he told me, his eyes changing a bit.
"Well it's not like I was going to be off dating other guys," I told him, then forced a smile. "I didn't even plan for this..."
The words just kept coming out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them.
"This?" he asked, his eyes wide.
"I wanted to focus on school, without distractions. You knew that," I whispered, pulling my hand away. Everything felt wrong, suddenly.
"I know. But we were..." He didn't finish his sentence, and sat back on the sofa, sighing. "I love you, Iris."
I was just staring at him. I wanted to wrap myself around him and never let go. But I also wanted to push him away. I'd never felt so torn.
"Iris," he said again, his eyes narrowing again.
I took in a breath and fell towards him, hugging him again. I didn't say anything, I just held him close. His heart was beating onto my body and he let out a deep breath, relaxing.
"I love you," I whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm just feeling..."
"It's okay," he said back, holding me closer. "Iris, it's okay."
We had sex for the first time that evening, in my bed, before Caleb got home from band practice. I knew as soon as we were making out that it was time, and it was going to happen. And as soon as he was lowering himself onto me, kissing me softly, I knew it was right.
Afterwards, all of those weird negative feeling I had felt, when he first showed up, were gone.
"I got into NYU," I told him, both of us still naked, blankets all around us.
"Oh my god," he said, turning towards me. "Iris, that's amazing."
I looked up at him, wanting to see his face. I wanted to know what he really thought of this. He looked away.
"Yeah," I said, but knew there was a part of him that was hurt, now.
"I know that was your goal. I'm really excited for you," he said, looking back at me.
"No, you're not."
"What?"
"I don't want you to say you're excited for me, if you're not," I said plainly.
"Well, I am." He smiled his real, genuine smile. But I didn't believe it.
I sighed. "Okay."
"I will find out on Monday if I have enough time to make up classes, with summer school," he changed the subject.
"That's good," I said, laying my head on his chest.
I didn't want to be in a weird place with him. I wanted to be back to how we were at Christmas. When we were new and good and together all the time. But the time apart had changed us, and this new information of me moving away in the near future was heading over our heads.
"Iris," Bennett whispered, as I closed my eyes. "If I can, do you want me to go to New York? With you?"
"Yes," I said quickly. "Of course."
"Really? Like, you mean that?" he asked.
"Yes," I said again. "I was miserable, Bennett. The whole time you were gone. I want to be with you."
He sighed, then kissed the top of my head. "Okay."
"It's only April, next week. We're together. We have time," I told him.
"Yeah," he whispered, then kissed me again before I watched him close his eyes.