09.07.23
Dear Diary, I feel like I'm getting closer to finding out the Fields' secret. I'm 95% sure it has to do with me. I'll just have to endure going to school and hearing the gossip, because that'll give me the answer.
I still have my doubts, though. Am I being self-centered? Or am I just paranoid? Is that another thing my therapist will diagnose me with? I've never read my file, but I know for a fact that it's filled with 'issues' I have.
It's just so weird. Susan's constantly complaining to her husband about the congregation at their church 'judging' them, the boys don't let Harry tell me whatever he wants to tell me, everyone at school and their mother have been talking about me the past two days, Tommy's arguing more with Shirley... And it's like they're being extremely careful not to say anything around me. Like they're afraid I'll overhear something.
Well, sooner or later, I'll find out. I couldn't get anything out of Mildred, unfortunately. Thelma says she doesn't get into gossip, but no doubt she's heard something. Tony said the same thing.
If I can get Harry alone, maybe I can get something out of him. He's obviously dying to tell me whatever it is. Tommy's always calling him a blabbermouth.
I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Pausing from my writing, I looked down the hall to see who it was.
Harry seemed tense as he stormed to his bedroom and slammed the door. Speak of the devil. Was he alone? Where were the others?
I bit my lip. Now was my chance.
I put down my pen and turned off my lamp, quietly walking over to his door. I just hoped Tommy wasn't in there. I knocked.
"What?"
"It's Diana."
"Go away."
"I just want to talk."
"I said, go away."
I sighed. "Harry, please. You know we need to talk about this."
"No."
I leaned on the door. As painful as it was to swallow my pride, I knew I had to do this. What I did was pretty scummy.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did. I... I went too far."
He didn't respond.
"I'll tell everyone you got hacked. I'll admit I did it," I insisted. "And I know it won't do much, but it'll at least do something. I'm sorry, Harry."
After a long pause, the doorknob rattled. I stepped back as he opened the door. His face was stone-cold, but his eyes were red and teary. "What do you want?" he asked, venom ringing clear in his voice.
"I just want to talk," I said.
"There's nothing to talk about." He sniffled, rubbing his nose.
"You know there is. If Tommy's not here, this is the best time to talk about it. Please." I hated sounding desperate, but I was desperate. He was my only hope for an answer.
He massaged his forehead, his shoulders bunched up with tension. After a few moments, he blew out a huge sigh. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered to himself. He jerked his head for me to come in. I eagerly obliged and he closed the door.
Looking around, I noticed lots of laundry recklessly thrown around the room. My nose wrinkled. "Didn't I just clean your room before school?"
"Yeah."
I shook my head. "Seriously. There's a hamper right here." I picked up the dirty clothes and tossed them into the basket. Harry ignored me and stared blankly at his phone screen, lying on his bed.
I sat on Tommy's bed and faced him. "Okay. You wanted to tell me something at school."
He tensed up again, putting down his phone.
"It must be big if Tommy got so mad at you for saying it."
Silence. Frustration grew within me, but I kept my cool. "Harry, I know you know. And you know that I know you know. And I know you know that I know you know."
He stared at me, confusion swimming in his eyes. "I literally have no idea what you just said."
"Could you please just... tell me? Tell me why I get these looks. Tell me why people talk about me. I know it's more than me being a foster kid. No one cares about that."
"Diana... I don't know. I want to tell you, okay? But..." He stood, pacing. The tension thickened. "It's not something I can just... tell you. It's something very personal. I know it seems simple, but it's not. It's just not."
"I wouldn't be asking if it didn't involve me."
"How do you know it involves you?"
"Um... everyone is talking about me? Duh."
He looked away.
"If you don't tell me, someone else will. I'm going to keep asking people at school, and one of them will have the guts to tell me outright."
Silent again. He knew it was true. He scratched his cheek. "It's not easy to say," he told me. "It's like..." He paused and glanced down at my hands. I looked at him questioningly. He met my eyes again and shook his head. "What I'm trying to say is... I can't just go and tell you, no matter how much I want to."
"You almost did at school."
"I was angry."
"Well, get angry!" I snapped. "I need to know, Harry!"
The door opened, startling us. "No, you don't."
Tommy came in with a cold glare directed at me. I only frowned at him, my anger reaching new heights.
"Harry, we're going to play PS5. Let's go," he said.
I stopped Harry before he could leave. "You're not leaving until you tell me the truth."
"Diana, I can't tell you."
"Yes, you can!"
"No, he can't." Kyle came in with Jack. Great. The cavalry.
"Harry." I looked at him intensely. He was now sweating, his eyes darting around at everyone's faces.
"Ignore her, Harry," said Jack. "It's none of her business."
"It's all of my business!"
"Look, we've had enough of you butting into our lives!" Jack approached me angrily. Intimidated, I reared back.
"Jack, cool it-" Kyle began.
"You've already done enough. They don't owe you anything after what you did to them. So stay out of this." He shoved my shoulder— not too hard, but hard enough for me to know he meant business.
This only stirred up my fury and I shoved him back with all my might. He stumbled backward, caught off guard. "I'll find out. Whether from you, or someone else, or your parents, I'll find out!" I left before they could say anything back.
~~~
I stood behind Tommy and Harry as we waited for the bus. I readily plugged my fingers in my ears when it approached and let out the sudden hiss. I was alright with the noise itself— it was the intensity of it that would send my heart in a frenzy.
We boarded with everyone else on our corner. Mildred brightened when she saw me, patting my seat eagerly. I managed a small smile and went to sit.
She gave me a quick hug. "Hey! How are you?"
"Okay."
"I wanted to text you, but I couldn't find you on Familiar. What's your username?"
"Oh, I don't have FamiliarFaces."
"What? Why?"
I shrugged. "I used to, but I didn't have any friends, so... I just stuck to GoodNews."
"Oh, I have GoodNews. Could you give me your number?"
As we exchanged numbers, the bus went over a speed bump. My hand shot out and caught my backpack before it fell off.
"Nice reflexes," Mildred chuckled.
"Thanks." I moved my bag to the floor between my feet.
"You know, you should get Familiar. Almost everyone at school uses it."
"That's exactly why I don't want it."
There was a moment of silence between us.
"Hey, Mildred... we didn't finish talking yesterday," I started.
"What do you mean?"
"About all the... rumors."
Her dark skin paled a shade lighter. She swallowed and tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear. "Oh, that," she said nervously. "Um... I thought we did."
I crossed my arms. "No, remember? Your mom kept texting you. It was really urgent."
"Right. Heh."
"So. I was asking you about what you heard about me."
She squirmed. "Um... well... you know. That you're a foster kid. And you're with the Field brothers. Apparently they're big shots here."
"Alright, that's it." I faced her fully, my eyes hardening. "I don't want to hear any more lies. I want the truth, Mildred. I'll keep asking everyone until someone with the guts to tell me says it. You heard stuff about me. And I know it's not all, 'Ooh, she's a foster kid'. Like... who cares? There's something else."
She swallowed. "Diana, I... it's..." She looked down at her lap. "It's something pretty big, okay? It's not something I can easily tell you."
Just like Harry. She echoed him word for word.
"I just don't feel like I can blurt this out to you. We just met three days ago. We're practically strangers. This is something deep, and I don't like talking about things that don't concern me." She glanced at the boys. "They should tell you. It's their responsibility."
I glanced at them. Both were silent, not interacting with anyone. "Their responsibility?"
"That's right. I don't know if people are just exaggerating the rumors, or if it's really this... weird. That's the thing, I don't even know if all of it is true-"
"But what is it?"
She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Diana. I want to tell you, I do. But I'm only scratching the surface. They have to tell you. They're the only ones that know the real story. It's their story." She got on her phone. "I think the reason no one tells you anything is either because they're scared of you, or because they assume you know already. Like me, I thought you knew. It's something people would... logically think. It's unbelievable that they don't even give you a hint."
My frustration grew as she spoke. "Well, can you give me a hint?"
The bus suddenly jerked forward. Our hands shot out and blocked us from slamming into the seats in front of us. The bus driver started cursing and gesturing as he yelled at someone in front of the bus. "What is wrong with you?!"
I stood to see what the commotion was, my head in full view. The bus started up again.
"Look out!"
Mildred's warning instantly activated my reflexes. I ducked, an orange flying over my head and hitting someone else.
"Ow! What was that for?!" a boy yelled, rubbing his head.
I looked over at the students in the back, who snickered. I huffed and sat back down, keeping my head out of aim.
"Do you know yet?" a girl called.
"Shut up, Jamie," I heard Tommy say.
"Well, does she know?" a boy asked.
"Just shut up."
"Do you, Pensky?"
Pensky?
"You know the whole scandal with you and-"
There was a thump, followed by exclamations. "Shut up!"
I peeked behind us. Tommy was standing, his arms tense, while Harry restrained him. One of the boys was on the floor. "Tommy, enough!"
"What's going on back there?" the driver said.
"Nothing!" Harry said.
"Then quiet down."
He coaxed Tommy back into his seat, calming him. I watched them with blank eyes, studying their expressions. Tommy's face was flushed with anger and panic while Harry looked... conflicted?
I sighed and gave Mildred a glance. "You know what? Just don't tell me. I don't care anymore."
"Diana, I want to tell you, but I don't know if-"
"Yeah, I know," I snapped. "Just forget it, okay?"
Thoughts? Do you feel any sympathy for the brothers?