I hope all of you had a great holiday and a happy New Year. I'm finally back. I took as much rest as I possibly could, and I've never been better. I'm talking to a lot of people now to help myself, and while I'm still recovering, I'm glad that I have the urge to write again. Thank you for staying. Thank you for waiting for me. I love you all.
"I'll be your eyes 'til yours can shine. And I'll be your arms I'll be your steady satellite. And when you can't rise. Well, I'll crawl with you on hands and knees 'cause I'm gonna stand by you." --Stand By You, RACHEL PLATTEN
"So what are your plans?" John asks me for the fourth time.
Honestly, I have no plans. I have no idea. I remained silent throughout their talk, and my eyes would unabashedly dart to the group — Derek's group — near us. That Caleb guy was all over him, and it hurt more when Derek was entertaining him. Memories came flooding inside my head, and I realized that there were a lot of times I did that to him. Girls would openly flirt with me, and I'd flirt back on purpose just so I could get a reaction out of him. For what reason? I have no idea.
But now that I'm on the receiving end, it hurts. Throughout our hangout, Emily remained touchy over to me, but in a friendly way. I'd find Derek's eyes spotting our group, and my heart would do a quick but loud beat. There was no expression on his face, but I hope that whatever it was going on inside of him, it's jealousy.
"Help your best friend here," I whine as I spread my arms open across the bed.
John clicks his tongue, his face scrunching up in a deep thought before sighing. John is just as dumb as I am, but he's been helping me win Derek back. I wish I could really come clean about everything, tell Derek about my family dilemma, but even speaking it out loud scares me.
"Man, my advice is, you gotta man up,"
"I can't right now,"
"Look, you don't have to man it up right now," John props himself up, supporting his face with his arm before giving me a knowing look. "I'm just saying, give him at least any idea about what's going on with you, about why you can't be with him right now. I'm not blind, Nero, but I can see that Derek is starting to move on without you. And as much as I want him to be caught up with you, it's not really a good thing. At some point, he has to move forward."
"That terrifies me,"
"I know, it's terrifying," John lets out another sigh before looking up at the ceiling, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Did you know that I nearly lost Ashton?"
"Yes, you told me a hundred times."
"No, this is different from the one I told you countless times. We had a fight few months ago and he nearly broke up with me."
I prop myself up, eyes wide. John never really tells me much stuff about what's going on between him and his boyfriend, Ashton. "You serious?" He nods.
"It was a few months ago, I was at a bar with my other friends, and some of them brought other friends. I was actually caught up in the moment, so... I basically cheated. I was drunk but had complete control of myself. Maybe I did it because I was tired of the long-distance relationship and that I couldn't see or touch Ashton every day. The guy and I didn't have sex, but more just like, make-out session and a touch here and there. I never told Ashton about it, but he found out, and he was heartbroken. And then I told him my thoughts, about how I was really feeling, and then he was breaking things off with me and it was really terrifying."
"How come I didn't know this?"
"Because you were too stupid to realize that your friend was heartbroken," I glare at him. "But I didn't really want to tell anyone. Maybe because I didn't want to be judged."
"What happened then? How did he find out?"
"Ashton has detective skills," John chuckles, but then frowns after, as if remembering the story annoys him. Well, I hope it does. Cheating is not good. "We were on a break for a week, and I realized at that point, that I would do anything just to get him talk to me. Calls, text messages, Messenger, I would prefer that rather than break things with him. Ashton was upset, but he never scolded me or shouted at me. He just cried and cried. At that point, I was ready to come home despite the fact that I'm in a university and studying. I said sorry to him, then we both cried, and then we talked about our feelings."
"Glad to hear that you fixed that,"
"My point here, Nero, is for you to be open with Derek." He moves forward and puts a hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. He gives me a close-lipped smile before sitting properly on his bed. "You may not be in a relationship yet, but both of you have mutual connection with each other. It runs deep. I'm saying this now, Nero, Derek Reid is your The One."
"Are you serious?"
"Of course, I'm fucking serious." John scoffs, crossing his arms as he looks at me like I'm the most idiot person in the world. "You've been in love with him since high school just as long as he's been in love with you. It looks like you're two stars who can't interact or cross path with each other, and the worst part? It's because both of you won't let it happen. Fucking dufus. Done with the Ted talk. Now, I'm going to sleep, fucktard."
"Thanks, John."
I'm putting Derek in a tough position, and he's been doing good hiding that pain from me. If I could just tell him everything without my parents knowing, I would gladly do so. But my hands are basically tied, and fear surrounds me. Courage is all I need, but even that is not given to me willingly.
Sometimes, I wonder why my parents have to be homophobic. Why do they have to have such a huge impact in my life? Their opinions, their views, their religion, why do I have to be affected? If I come out to them, I can kiss my study goodbye. Study is important to me, and it's one of the ways I can get rid of my parents, so coming out to them while they pay for my tuition is not a good idea.
When I get back to the dorm, Derek is already on his bed, wide awake, tapping rapidly on his phone without even glancing at me. I sit on my bed, staring at him, hoping that he'd give me at least a side-eye. But to no avail, he continues to play on his phone.
My heart pangs in pain, and I look at my shaking hands. My palms are getting sweaty, and my heart begins to race. I suddenly have the urge to cry, to be so vulnerable, but there's something holding me back. Maybe because my father used to tell me that crying is for the weak, and displaying vulnerability is a way to get killed. There are a lot of emotions that I've been bottling, emotions that I want to let go, but letting it all out is not an option. Talking about it to myself even terrifies me.
I attempt to shrug off the feeling, but it lingers in the pit of my stomach. I want to vomit, to scream, but I don't want the person I love, who is literally within my reach, to get worried. Derek may be hiding his emotions and keeping himself intact, but he gets worried easily, especially when it concerns me. The last thing I want tonight is for him to get worried about me, when there's nothing to worry about. Well, actually, there is, but he's not supposed to be worried about this right now.
It's not the right time.
"You look constipated," he suddenly says.
I look at him, but his attention is still on his phone. A small smile plays on my lips. Hearing his voice somehow calms me. Derek doesn't know this, but he has the power to ease me and keep me at bay.
"Maybe I am," I chuckle.
"I saw the polaroid you took of me," he mentions, his voice a bit low and croaky. I turn to my side so I can look at him properly, and he does the same thing. He puts his phone on the nightstand beside his bed, and our eyes meet. "I look good even when I'm sleeping. Although I don't know whether to be creeped out or not."
"You should be. I'm a creep."
"I should move out then,"
"Yeah, you should."
"I'm serious about moving out," he tells me. Derek's face grows serious as he stares me, and I immediately sit straight up, mouth agape. "I did a lot of thinking earlier. There's a bunch of rooms that haven't been occupied yet, and I figure that we both need space."
"Why?" I ask, still perplexed, slightly panicking.
"I just told you, we both need space."
I walk towards him, squatting down until we're face to face. He bites his lower lip, his eyes refusing to meet mine. I touch his hand, rubbing my thumb across his skin. I bury my face in his chest, smelling him, and then I wrap my arms around him.
Derek runs his fingers gently across my hair, and I let out a sigh. We stay for a moment like that until I feel numbness creeping up on my legs. I push him on his bed, and lie down beside him.
"Is that what you really want?" I ask him.
"No," he immediately responds. Our eyes meet once again. "But we need the space so we can think clearly. I told you, I'm serious about taking care of myself. I can't just simply wait for you, when I've been chasing you since high school."
"It's you," I tell him, tightening my hold around him. "It has always been you. I've always had feelings for you. I know you've been waiting, and I asked you to wait for me, and I'm sure you want to know the reason why I can't be with you right now, but talking about it terrifies me, Derek."
"Is it really that scary that you won't tell me? What's it about?" I purse my lips. "I'll guess, and if it's closely related to that, you just nod or shake your head, then once you nod, we drop the conversation, is that all right?"
I nod my head.
"Are you afraid of coming out?"
Coming out is part of it, but it's not really a big of a deal. Well, sort of. I'm terrified of coming out to my homophobic parents. I can tell my friends or people about my sexuality and how much I'm in love with Derek Reid, except to my parents. I shake my head.
"Is it because you have a girlfriend right now?"
I shake my head.
"Is it because you have doubts on me?"
I vigorously shake my head.
"Does it have something to do with your parents?"
Slightly nodding, as promised, he drops the conversation. Derek wraps his arms around me, and I'm glad of the warmth he gives. I kiss his exposed collarbone, which makes him tense a bit, but then relaxes as I pull him closer.
"I will tell you everything once I have the courage," I say to him, giving him a half, sad smile. He puts his hand on my cheek affectionately, and I lean into his touch. "Right now, I'm a coward, but I'm working on myself, Derek. And it's hard."
"I'm just here if you need someone to talk to,"
"I know. Are you still considering moving out?"
Derek purses his lips once again before nodding. "Yes." The tension between us is thick, but none of us has the guts to let go of each other. "But I may not move out. After what you just told me. Look, Nero, I'm really hoping that we get back together. I don't know what we were before, and I have no idea what we are right now."
"Do you like Caleb? I know you do."
Derek snaps his head towards me. "What made you think that?"
"Because earlier, you were looking at him the way you looked at me before." I let out a sigh, shutting my eyes, feeling the erratic beat of his heart as I bury my face in the crook of his neck, loving how his embrace makes me feel. "Just give me a little bit of time, Derek, and I'll work myself out. When I go out with you, and we start dating, I want to be the best person there is for you. I don't want you to date the unsecured, son of a bitch, unstable person that is me right now. It's not healthy for you. It's not healthy for the relationship."
"I agree."
"So when I start dating you, I have to be ready. Ready in every aspect."
"When you date me?"
"Didn't I tell you? I'm not going to give up on you, and we will date each other." I chuckle, flicking his forehead, tension has long been gone. "One day, our paths will meet, and it's going to be a fairytale we've always wanted our love story to be."
When morning comes, Derek is still fast asleep. There's a drool running down the corner of his lips. I let out a small chuckle, grabbing the sheet that has fallen on the ground and I drape it over him. He snuggles on it, clicking his tongue and murmuring something about penguins, then turns to the side. I grab my camera and take a picture of us together. I wait for the picture to develop then place it on his table, writing a note on the edge of the polaroid: potatoes <3 xoxo
Then I take another picture of us so I can put it on my photo diary. This is the first picture of us together since we broke off things. Well, we didn't really break off things. I just stopped responding to him, which is a pretty dumb move.
I decide to get a shower. I grab clothes in my drawer then head straight to the bathroom. There are only a few people in the bathroom, which is always a relief to me. Once I'm done showering and after getting dressed, I head back to the dorm to find Derek still sleeping. The sheet is on the floor again, and his legs are sprawled on his bed, his mouth open as light snores come out of his mouth. I shake my head in amusement, grab the sheet, and drape it over him again. I write another note and put it on his table: I woke up early. Be sure to have breakfast before you get to class. See you later <3
Laughing at my note, I lean down to give him a kiss on his cheek. Derek clicks his tongue again, murmuring again about penguins, then buries his face in his pillow, putting his hand underneath it, getting into the perfect position to sleep comfortably.
Surprisingly, I'm in a good mood today. Maybe because of the fact that Derek and I snuggled up each other all night long, and he's considering not moving out. It's weird, though, that there are rooms that have not been occupied. The dorms are always occupied. In fact, a lot of students demand that they get dorms but, let's face reality, the dorms are not enough to occupy everyone studying in this university.
"Look at this little sunshine," John teases as he eats his chicken sandwich rather messily. I roll my eyes at him, resisting the urge to flip him off. "Did you talk to him?" Nodding my head, John's face lights up. "What happened then? Please tell me you had hot and intense sex. Wild enough for your dormmates to hear."
"Fuck off," I laugh. "We didn't. We just talked."
"Lame," John makes a face and I shove him. "Finally making a move, like a real move. Sometimes, you do really need a good whack in the head. What happened afterwards?"
"He told me he was considering moving out," I tell him. John stops eating, staring at me with wide eyes. "And then I just talked to him, and we basically had this guessing game where he asked questions and I would just simply nod or shake my head to confirm why I can't be with him right now, then he considered not moving out. Then I slept on his bed, snuggled up with him, and that's why I'm in a good mood. So don't fucking ruin it."
"I'm not. You're capable of doing that to yourself."
"You little shit,"
His phone rings. "Oh, oh, hold up, Ashton is calling me. Hey babe."
I tune their conversation out and simply stare at the sky while thinking of Derek. A smile tugs on my lips as our moment last night plays in my head. My eyes flicker at the persons walking across me. It's Caleb and Derek. They are talking with each other. I watch them closely, then Derek's eyes meet mine. He smiles at me and waves, and I wave back. I sigh in relief. Caleb turns to look at me, slightly confused, then talks to Derek. At least Derek and I are still on good terms. John taps my shoulder and jerks his head towards Derek's direction, and I shake my head.
"Are you jealous?"
"I am," I tell him. "But I won't be soon."
"And why is that?"
I look at John and playfully roll my eyes. "Because I'm planning to ask him to be my boyfriend officially. But I still have to work on myself first. Hopefully, before Thanksgiving."
"All right!" He cheers. "You know I'm happy for you. Everyone is."
"Thanks, John. You're really a good friend."
"Hey, we've been buddies." John tugs on my hair and I glare at him. "I just wish Noah and the others are here because I fucking miss them. Especially Kevin and Collins. They are having the time of their lives and they don't have enough time to video call us. Those two bastards."
"What a couple of bastards," I agree, nodding my head, laughing along with John.