PLEASE READ THE AUTHORS NOTE AT THE END!
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Niall's POV*
The morning I awoke with my hands tangled into her hair and my head in her neck was one of the best I'd had in a long time. Khloe's arms were wrapped around my waist, her legs in a wired mess with my own. Our breathing was synchronized and our hearts were in tune together, and for the first time in a couple weeks, we were one again. We weren't arguing, we weren't bickering, we weren't trying to overcome some force in our relationship, we were just simply laying together.
I could feel the warm, patterned breaths she'd release against my ear causing goosebumps to form along the top linings of my skin, chills rolling under the flesh. Pulling her closer to my heated chest, I tangled the blankets around us more, keeping my eyes locked shut, just trying to enjoy this morning for what it was to bring. Everything had been going pretty smoothly these past couple days, I couldn't wait to see what the future held for us.
The other night when Kaylee showed up at Khloe's house, I was almost positive I was seeing things. I couldn't believe it. When they say 'it's a small world' I don't really think they even know how small it is. I swear that I was going to wee myself. I couldn't think, or talk, or even stand to look at her, but for some reason that's all my eyes wanted to do.
Although I was trying so hard to ignore her presence, I just couldn't help but to want to make her jealous with Khlo. I could see the wheels turning in her head when Khloe wrapped her arms around my waist. It was obvious that it was unexpected. Hell, it was unexpected for me too! Never in my life did I think that I would see her again, let alone have her be my girlfriend's childhood friend!
I didn't know what to say. And then when Khloe found out about us, I was almost positive that I was going to get hit with needling words and have something probably thrown at me. I was then tossed onto another freight train of whirling possibilities when she just sat there and nodded like what I was saying was so neutral and put in everyday conversation. I was expecting every other emotion other than the one I received and I didn't really know how to react.
Then, when she started talking all that nonsense about not being good enough... just I really wish that she could see it herself. I try to do so much to get her to notice because I can tell she's not very confident. I tell her that she's beautiful and that I love her as much as I can, and I take pictures, and I never let her get herself down, but sometimes I don't think it's enough for her. She's just in that 'stage' I guess, but it's terrible. She should be letting go and having fun at this time in her life, not so closed and worried about little things like how she looks or how others view her. That should be the last thing she should care about.
I was suddenly shook out of my thoughts when her arms tightened around my back before her head nudged my chin to the side, taking the spot between my neck and collarbone now. An audible breath was released from her nose, tickling the already sensitive skin there.
"Morning, Pebbles." I like to call her that because I know how much she loves it rather than the overused 'babe'. I like that too, but I think pebbles fits her more.
"Morning." Voice groggy and thick, I smiled at the sound, feeling her stretch against me before her leg moved from between mine and was placed overtop of them. I pulled my head back to look at her peaceful, sleepy face before placing my lips on her forehead. Little creases formed when I did this and I could tell that she was smiling against my collarbone.
"Did you sleep good?" She nodded, her fingertips ghosting over the few pieces of art spread across my upper chest. She knew exactly just where every one was placed and just how the ink was curved along my sticky skin, without even having to look.
"It's hot in here." I ran my fingers gently along the bare skin on her leg and the smoothness of them only made me want more. I slowly ran them up her thigh and around her backside, resting my hand on her bum, right under the underwear lines.
"It's freezing outside. I can always toss you out in the bits of snow if you want." I smirked.
She smiled again, still keeping her eyes shut. "And I can always beat the crap out of you if you want."
"Always so violent." I tusked playfully, slightly squeezing my hand against her creamy skin which made her jump a bit. I crackled, biting my lip when she began to place kisses along my clavicle. She nipped the skin, smiling as she dragged her lips up my neck and jaw to my mouth where she placed a kiss on the corner of my lips. It drives me more than crazy every time she does that.
"I want a real kiss."
"Nope." She smiled.
"Why."
"I'm hungry." I groaned and she laughed then untangled her body from mine, but I stayed in place, watching her every move.
"Khloe." My eyes watched as she shuffled around in her suitcase. The white shirt rose along her hips, allowing her light pink, soft, cotton underwear to be shown along the curve of her bum. A smile bridged the corner of my lips as my mind started reeling on about how lucky I am to call her mine. In just two days, it will be two months since we've started dating and time seems to be flying by.
For our first month, I took her to a basketball game and got her a couple little things, but now that were back in the simplicity of Ireland, I think I want to just have a little date with her this time. I remember how excited she was on our first date, and we haven't been out on a real date since. Well, out to dinner and all. Maybe I should make that a thing of our where we go at least once every month...maybe it'll be for every month we celebrate with each other.
"C'mon, little boy." I blinked up to see her now dressed in still my shirt, but with navy blue plaid shorts swaddling her tan legs. Her long waves fell over shoulders, hanging loosely below her chest. "You can have a lazy day tomorrow."
"Little boy? Excuse me, but I am very much a man." I frowned and sat up. The cool air enveloped my legs, surrounding them with its chilling vibe. Goosebumps formed along my skin and I instantly looked to Khloe. "And how the hell is this hot to you?"
She giggled and shrugged but pulled on my hand. "C'mon, my little chef. I'm hungry." Shaking my head, I smiled and stood, pulling the soft, black, fuzzy blanket around my bare shoulders.
"You're crazy."
*
"Hey, babe?" My head snapped up to see Khloe walking out of living room and into the kitchen with my phone in her hand.
"Yeah?" I called back, moving around the island to pull her hips into mine. A small, chaste kiss was left on my lips before she pulled back, smiling.
"Greg called." Her finger nails trailed my biceps making me tighten my grip around her body. "He said that he'll be here to get you in an hour?" I could see the frown lines creating deep creases along her smooth forehead.
I sighed and threw my head back. I'd completely forgot about him coming. When I had called him a few days ago to make sure he knew what to set up in this house, he'd asked me to help him take care of some business. I didn't want to really, but I knew it had to be done. It's been long enough and we all need to be able to move on. Annie needs to be able to have her space back and I need to learn to just put the past to rest. Life moves on. Months after months after months have passed and it's time to slowly let go and start fresh.
"Niall?"
"Hmm?" I glanced down to her lips which were pulled together in a straight line, then her eyes that were silently begging me to tell her why I'd made plans and didn't inform her. "He has some stuff to take care of and he needs my help. Are you okay to watch Theo here for a bit? It'll just be a couple hours."
"That's fine, I guess. Is everything okay?" Khloe frowned, her fingers slipping my phone into my back pocket so she could hold me closer while her hands wrapped around my neck, pulling my forehead to hers. Our eyes stayed connected, out hearts beating in rhythm.
"Yes." I continued to stare into her eyes, the guilt starting to envelope and shake my body the longer we stood in silence. I blinked and slowly closed my eyes, holding her closer to me as if I was going to lose her. I'd been dreading this, in fear that I would lose her, but I think it's time to get it out there.
She's my rock and as much as I know, she's not going anywhere. I have to learn to trust her words. It's time to start forgetting the old and bing in the new. I have to learn to trust that she's not going to whither away and slip out of my fingers like billions of little grains of sand.
My fingers squeezed her hips and I brought my lips to her ear, leaving a soft kiss while she played with the little strands of hair on the back of my head. A sigh was released and my mouth was placed so close to her that I could almost taste the sweetness of her skin.
"No." I whispered, fingers playing with the hem of my shirt that still covers her body. "Far from okay, actually." Khloe pulled away, concern and worry written across her features.
"What's wrong, Niall?" Her fingers tangled through my blonde hair and I felt her heart start to speed as I pulled her into a tight hug. I will not cry. She will not leave me. This situation will not hurt us more than we are. I told myself that over and over in my head trying to get it to stick. She hugged back, but her body language spoke that she was nervous and scared.
"I need to tell you something. I promised no secrets between us and I need to keep that." I sniffled and pulled away, taking a deep breath.
"W-what is it?" I didn't say anything, but rather just pulled her over into the living room. We sat in the middle of the large, spacious tan couch and I held onto Khloe's hand, never wanting to completely lose contact with her.
"Oh, how do I say this?" I sighed through my words, my eyes closing lightly. "There are still some things about me that you don't know. Stuff that I kept out of the letter for obvious reasons and stuff that hasn't been talked about for years. But-" I opened my eyes, my breath hitching as they caught ahold of her light brown ones, almost the color of shining gold. "But, I think I want you to know a little part. I think I'm ready to share that."
"Niall..." She stopped me and shook her head. "You don't have to tell me." Ignoring her, I continued anyway, closing my eyes at the remembrance of the past events. The more I thought of it, the more I started to remember every detail, every feeling, every word said.
"Do you remember that room you walked into at Annie's house? The one I begged you to not go into?" She shut her mouth, gulped, and stiffly nodded. "That- that wasn't one of Annie's rooms." I sighed and opened my eyes. I could feel the pressure behind my eyes start to build. Only a very few people in my life knew this. And it hadn't been talked about in a very long while.
He hadn't been talked about...
"I was eighteen. Fresh out of high school. If you remember, I had taken the first year off of college." She nodded. "That year, I came across this girl. Her name was Rose and she was the first girl I'd ever taken out to dinner. Nothing fancy, but dinner nonetheless. We held a thing for that year. Rose was the longest person I'd ever stayed with besides you. We didn't date, but we did things. Things that eventually led us into trouble."
Pausing, I bit my lip and sighed heavily. I was so fucking scared of losing this girl in front of me. My life is way to complicated for someone to understand, let alone her. This is why I didn't want her getting close in the first place...
"The day before I moved to America I decided to end it for good. We had one last night together and I was gone in the morning. Months passed and it was like she never existed. That was until the day of Greg and Annie's graduation. Once they graduated, Annie took off to come back here where she bought her house. I flew back with her and ended up running into Rose in a drug store." I sighed and shook my head, falling forward into Khloe's lap. Soft hands immediately dug through my hair, lightly massaging my scalp and calming me.
"She was pregnant. Not newly conceived, but she was months in. When I found out that I had done that to her, I took off. I couldn't take it. I got mad and called her all of this horrible stuff. Then, when I finally came to my senses, I started to become happy. Overly joyed. I thought about how great it could be to be a dad. To be loved and excepted by another human despite what shit I had done because that's just how it went. I'd be genuinely loved." I squeezed my eyes shut. "But of course, right when I wanted it, she didn't. She had planned to give him up for adoption. I was too young to take care of a child on my own so there was nothing I could do. But Annie being Annie, she thought it would be best if she took him and that way I'd still be able to fly over from college and see him. It was perfect. We had this perfect plan."
Slowly, one by one the tears started to fall down my cheeks as my heart clenched in my chest. All the pain, the hurting, the crying; it all came flowing back to me, striking my bones with it's cold and depressing force.
One day I was smiling and painting and building, and the next I was crying and banging my head on walls and screaming. The treacherous pain was taking over my body, ripping apart my insides. I wanted it so badly.
"I lose everything I'm ever able to touch and that's why I am so terrified of losing you." I held onto her hands, my face burring itself in the material if her sweater. "She was suppose to go into labor the next day. We had everything set up, we were at the hospital. I was so ready, Khloe." More tears smeared paths along my cheeks and I could feel her hand pull back from mine only to be placed along my skin. She wiped the wetness to the side, her eyes closing lightly.
"What was his name?" She whispered.
I sighed and turned my head up to her, one of my hands reaching up to her eyes where I could see some of her own glistening tears fall.
"Colton James Horan. We decided to name him after me since I was going to be the one keeping him. When his heart stopped..." I closed my eyes again. God, nothing could ever compare to that feeling of being told that your kid had died. "They decided to have her go into labor and we decided together that it was best not to see him. I didn't want the picture in my head to be spoiled by the image of which I would have been presented with."
"Niall..." she sighed. I don't think she really knew what to say. "I'm so sorry." I just laid there, letting the memories seep back into my head.
The smell of the disinfectant spray, fresh on the boring and lifeless halls of the godawful hospital. The happiness changing into complete rage and anger. The feeling of the soft sheets on my fingers which quickly turned into the feeling of rough petals of flowers as they were spread over the small headstone. The feeling of hot tears which burned holes through my flesh as I let them strip me of my soul. Nothing will ever compare to the lifeless feeling of having to bury your new born baby. No pain. No sting. No heartbreak. If I had to pick one thing to be the worst event in my life, over my father, over my friends, over my past, that would definitely be it, and quickly followed after would be the thought of losing Khloe. The one thing that has kept me holding on all this time.
"Don't be sorry. Why are you sorry?" My voice was flowing but I couldn't feel my mouth moving.
"No one deserves to go through that. Especially at such a young age." She frowned and wiped her own cheeks. "You didn't have to tell me that."
"I wanted to." I spoke the truth. "I wanted you to know because even though it's not talked about, it's a big part of my life."
"It is, but it's also very personal." Her fingers softly ran along my cheeks again and I could feel the tears starting to dry.
"Maybe, but it's time to let go. It's been two years and it's time. I want to move forward with you in every way possible, but I can't do that if I have these thoughts lingering my mind." I heavily blink. "Greg and I are taking the nursery down today. Annie needs to be able to have her house back and move on and so do I. I cannot be haunted by these damn thoughts every time I step on Irish turf." Khloe nodded and
went back to playing with my hair which seemed to calm my mind and my nerves. I was no longer shaking, or crying, or breathing hard although my heart remained heavy.
"I love you, okay?" She whispered down to me and I lifted my eyes to meet hers. "I'm always going to love you. Maybe it just wasn't the right time, but you'll get it again, Niall. There's a plan for us all."
"I'll get it again." I recited, letting that sink in as I closed my eyes.
No longer than a few minutes later, the bell was suddenly ringing and my phone buzzed in my back pocket. I sighed and stood, whipping my eyes one last time to make it seem like I wasn't just falling apart in my girlfriends lap, even though it's a fact that it's not going to be the only time I do cry today.
"Greg's here."
"Are you okay?" Khlo asked and I wearily nodded my head taking in a breath.
"I'll be fine. Thanks so much for doing this, baby." She stood up and held onto my hips. The bell rung again and I laughed lightly, doing anything I could to bring my mood up. Khloe puckered her lips and I leant down and pushed mine to hers, my hand resting on the back of her neck. "I love you." I whispered against her mouth, kissing her cheek.
"I love you too. This doesn't change anything okay?" She held eye contact with me and I know she's serious as she kissed my lips again. "Go get the door for your brother." She smiled and tapped my bum as I walked away.
I could not even say how happy I was with how that went. I felt as though the cement blocks have been lifted off my chest, easing the load. Now only to finish getting through this day.
"Niall!" Greg smiled and entered the house. Theo's hands were released and I felt two tiny arms wrap around my legs. I bent down and smiled as I pulled him into my chest.
"Hi, bubba." I smiled.
"Dum!" He held up a small toy, smiling. "Dum!"
"Yeah?" I playfully smiled back even though I had no idea what he was saying.
"Dum!" I laughed and stood back up, turning to Greg who patted my shoulder.
"Khloe said he wouldn't be a bother." I stated, turning my head to see her exit the living room. "Right?"
"Of course!" She smiled. "He's fine. I'm happy to watch him actually. I think this is good for you guys to spend some time together."
Greg nodded and smiled back. "Yeh, I think so too. Thank'ya so much." He sat his stuff to the side, watching Theo beg for her attention.
"It's no problem." Khloe bent down and picked up Theo who had his hands reached out to her, and set him on her hip. "Right, Theo?"
"No." He shook his head, his blonde hair shifting across his face. We laughed and with a last kiss given to Khlo, I followed Greg out of the house and down the long path, making small talk until we finally get to his car. The snow had melted for the most part, but the air was still frigid.
"Are you ready?"
"No." I honestly spoke up, and my mind began to race a thousand miles an hour. It didn't seem real.
I hadn't walked in that room for two years up until a couple months ago when I found Khloe in it. I had forgotten how beautiful it was and after that, I never want to get rid of it, but I feel so guilty with leaving Annie the haunting thoughts every day. It hit her just as hard as it hit me.
Sure I was going to move on, and maybe Khloe and I would have our own kid one day, but I still didn't want to take it down either. I just wanted the room to be left alone and untouched no matter what. Just like it has been since the day I packed my shit and flew back to America on that cold and rainy June night.
"I know. Bitter, sweet." A pat was hit against my thigh and I instantly sunk back into my seat just wanting the time to skip forward so it would be over but freezing at the same time so I wouldn't have to do it. "I was thinking maybe fold up all the clothes and blankets and put them in a box to save and all the hard wood maybe take to a retail store?"
"Mhmm." I mumbled, not really paying attention as my head was placed against the cold window despite the heat inside the car.
"Annie said the best look for the room would either be a brown above the vanilla colored wood, or a deep red."
"Don't care." I closed my eyes, not wanting to think of it. It was hard enough just thinking about it, I can only imagine what it's going to be like, actually having to tear the pieces out.
"I know it's hard, Ni, but you can do it." I didn't say anything, so to stall the time he sighed and turned on the radio, The Beatles instantly flowing through the speakers. Normally I'd sing and jam along, but the fact that I couldn't even think straight to think of lyrics stalled that distraction.
After about two hours, we pulled up to the house and I could feel the acid rise in my stomach. I really didn't want to do this.
"C'mon, lad. Annie's boyfriend is also here to help." Greg cut the ignition and hopped out, leaving me to sit as he began to walk inside.
Well, I might as well get this over with.
I sighed and got out, slamming the door behind me. "Hi, Niall." Annie smiled. I nodded my head and followed Greg up the creaky, wooden steps. Her house looked just the same as list time. But then again, Annie is very simplistic so it doesn't surprise me.
When I made it to the door, I could hear Greg and Will talking behind it, laughing at something. Grasping onto the breath in my throat, I gulped and pushed open the door, my eyes instantly meeting the royal blue walls. I had shakily let the breath go and entered, my eyes wandering like crazy. I felt like a little girl, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't even begin to explain the feeling that was pumping through my blood in my chest.
My eyes caught Greg and Will who still hadn't noticed my presence as they pulled out pairs of clothing, one after another, tossing it into a plastic tub, not even bothering to fold it properly or put it with it's matching set. What are they-? They can't.. What?
"What are you guys doing!?" Their heads snapped back to mine and I could feel the anger and pain rising uncontrollably. "That's not how you do it!"
I didn't mean to be rude but I couldn't help it. It just got to me.
"Move. Fuck." I pushed them both aside and dumped all the contents that were in the bucket out on the floor. Everything spilled out in a pile, cluttering the carpet, and my eyes suddenly landed on every little piece. they roamed the items and memory after memory started to hit and I didn't know if I wanted to scream or to cry. "Dammit you guys, why couldn't you just do this one thing right for once!?"
The lid to the bucket was chucked across the floor, and I instantly felt Greg place his hands on my shoulders which just made me even more angry.
"Niall, I know this is hard but you need to calm down."
"Shut up, Greg. You don't know shit!" My day had suddenly gone from perfect to horrible. "Stop telling me what I need to do! Just-- just fucking leave and I'll do it on my own!" I noticed Will step out so I could talk to Greg, but I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to listen to him. I wanted to pack up my fucking kids room by myself and I didn't want him touching anything! This wasn't his room, this was mine. It wasn't his kid, it was mine. It wasn't his loss, it was mine. It wasn't his heartbreak, it was fucking mine! "Go!"
"Niall, please calm-"
"Greg, please leave me the hell alone!" I fell back against the wall and I could feel the tears burst through my eye ducts and spill out onto my cheeks as my eyes shut tightly.
This wasn't how I was planning on spending the last few days of this holiday break. I wasn't expecting to actually cry, or over think this. I wasn't expecting to tell Khloe, or to feel this rush of emotions. I thought it was going to be quite simple, just walk in and take it all down, but even now I could tell that it wasn't going to be like that and we haven't even started...
"Niall..." Greg whispered and pulled me by the back of the neck into his chest where I lifeless my held onto him for what seemed like a lifetime. I didn't know what was happening. I felt so vulnerable and weak and angry. I just wanted to cry and cry and cry, but I knew that wasn't going to help this situation any. "I'll leave you alone for a bit, okay? Just do what you want and then I'll come it to help tear down the furniture." I wiped my eyes and nodded. Being left alone was nothing compared to what I needed right now. I felt like I needed to be left in a wide open field for hours so I would get lost and have to find my own way home. I needed that space, not this. I felt like the walls were closing in on my lungs and the ground was getting ready to fall from under my feet into a black abyss.
Once Greg left, I plopped myself down on the floor and began folding little clothes. With each tiny outfit packed, I stopped and stared at it, remembering the story behind buying it. Oddly enough, I never went in a store to just by the child clothes. Each one had a small story, and thinking about it made me weakly grin for the least part.
I hadn't ever got a chance to see him, but I would sit and imagine what he'd be like. How he'd look, how he'd talk, how tall he would be. I wonder what he'd be like now. He'd almost be three. I wonder if he would look a bit like Theo but with brown hair, or if he'd look more like Rose. The brown hair, brown eyed girl.
When the closet and dresser were finally cleared, I gently placed the lid on the plastic tub and opened another to place the folded blankets and bedding from the crib. I decided to toss a dark brown, fuzzy blanket to the side to keep for myself. The edges were rimmed with green silk and a small printed elephant was in one corner. This was the first I team that was bought for him, and I'd bought it in America the day I decided that maybe it wouldn't be too bad having a kid after all.
I sighed and plucked the sheets from the small mattress, folding it and putting it neatly on top of the half filled bin. I did the same with the comforter and then used a couple of soft toys to fill the empty space which was left.
Finally after a couple hours, everything was put away and I hat to bite my lip to stop the tears again. I was stronger than that. However painting it was to finally say goodbye was enough to rip through my insides and tear me to shreds, but I wasn't going to do that. I could get through this. It needs to be done if I want to move on with life. That was really my only motivation to open the door and hoarsely call out for Greg. When he and Will arrived, they thought it would be best that I go sit with Annie and find something to eat. I was thankful that they knew this wasn't easy on me.
"How're ya feeling, Niall?" Annie asked, pouring a bowl of freshly made soup. She placed it in front of me and my spoon went in, but instead of bringing it to my lips, I just stirred the contents around.
"Fine." I mumbled, running a hand through my long hair that had started to curl around my ears. Khloe likes it better, so I haven't exactly got it cut yet. "Should I take my books down too from the spare room, or do you want to keep them? I told Khloe they were your's since I don't do much reading anymore, but I know that you do on days when you've got nothin' to do."
"They're fine, Niall. You didn't even have to take down his room, but Greg insisted that it was time for us all to move on." I hate having such a close family because events like this not only effect you, but effect everyone around you.
"I know. I thought it was too until I actually got here to do it..." I dropped my head to the counter, pushing the soup to the side.
"Take a breath, bud." I felt her hand run through the back of my head and I voluntarily let out a deep breath, feeling myself start to fade away. I just need to leave and get back to Khloe and just get this all off my mind. I'm tired and weak and I'm so thankful that she's isn't here to see me now because she would definitely be thinking that I'm some pussy that can't even hold himself up properly.
"Will you drive me back, Annie?" I looked up and she frowned in sympathy. "I don't want to be here when it's finished. I just want to leave."
She nodded and I jumped from my chair, quickly walking upstairs. That had been the most energy used from my body since this morning.
"Annie's driving me back, Greg. Theo can just spend the night; he'll be fine." Greg looked up from unscrewing the bolt in the wooden crib, giving a nod.
"Annie can bring him back here if it's too much on you right now."
"No, he is okay. You guys have a lot to get done yet, and plus he's a good distraction." I stated, biting my lip as I walked over to the corner and grabbed the small baby blanket. "And as much as I hate to say it, thank you for doing all of this."
"You're welcome, Niall. I'll see you in the morning, yeah?" I nodded.
"Bye, Will."
"Take it easy, kid." With that, I walked out and shut the door behind me leaving myself with just a memory now.
"Ready, Niall?" No.
"Yeah. Just tell Greg that he can decide what happens to it all. He doesn't have to keep it." I slid into my shoes and followed Annie out of the house and into her car.
We didn't do much talking for the rest if the ride. Even if we did though, it's not like I'd really be there. In the conversation I mean. I was deep and lost in my thoughts, going over every aspect of my life. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She dropped me off and I made the long walk down the path, my light UGA sweatshirt being my only provided warmth in the cold wind. I wrapped the blanket around my hands and finally got to the house. As I walked in, I noticed all the lights were off and it was dead silent. The lights didn't really faze me since it was still daylight out, but the silence did. I was expecting loud giggles and banging pans.
"Khlo?" I took off my stuff and sat everything down by the door before shutting it behind me and making my way back towards the bedrooms.
We realized yesterday morning after we had woken up that the room we stumbled into the night before happened to be one of the guest beds and not the masters; however, Khloe being Khloe didn't want to move to the masters because she liked the simplistic look of this room. I just went along because I personally didn't really care.
"Baby-" I walked in, the first real smile being brought to my face since early this morning when I caught sight of she and Theo curled up in a little ball together, peacefully sleeping the hours of the day away. I decided to strip from my clothes, all but my white briefs, and climbed in gently under the warm covers, lightly wrapping my arms around Khloe's waist.
Maybe a little nap with my girl and nephew could do me some justice at a time like this.
I don't know what it was, but as soon as I shut my eyes it was as if all melancholy and sunken thoughts had cleared my mind. I felt at peace. I don't know if it was being with Khloe again, or if it was the fact that I was letting go, or if it was the fact of just getting away. And as Khloe relaxed in my hold, there was a small pang of happiness that lit inside me when I realized just how lucky I was.
Maybe my dad did abuse me. Maybe I did drink away my life. Maybe I did sleep around. Maybe I did lose my mom and my kid. Maybe all of that really did happen. But I'm starting to realize that the word 'happiness' would lose it's meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. And right now, I'm sure about one thing. Even if I was put through a life of hell and sadness, Khloe Ray Sparks was all the happiness I needed in life to have that perfect balance.
I KNOW IT HAS BEEN FOREVER BUT HERE IT IS! I'm sooooo sorry! I'd been stuck on this chapter for I cannot tell you how long.
I know niall is a little all over the place with his emotions, but you have to remember that he's only 21. He's still a young kid himself trying to fight through all the hell in his life and this was very hard for him. He didn't know how to deal with the pain so he'd cry and then get angry at the smallest touch of something that went wrong. He doesn't know how to control himself yet and that's what he's trying to work on doing. And when he says that Khloe is his happiness and that he's afraid to lose her, he's meaning that she's the only thing good in his life. She's all he has to live for so he is scared to disappoint her. He's so self conscious that he's not good enough for her because of everything that's happened to him. He feels like if one more thing is added, it's going to be too much for her and she's going to walk out and he's terrified of that.
Okay now that it's explained a little if you needed it, I love you, hope you liked it, The next will be up a lot sooner than this one was! Xx-Ariel