Dean peeked out his door, checking if she had left her room, or if she had chosen to call it a night. And yet, there she was, smiling up at him from the sofa in front of the fire, ever so innocent looking, as though he hadn't tried anything moments ago. If she wanted to forget it, he could do that. He just didn't want to lose her again.
"Hey, I thought you were going to bed."
"Oh, well, I can if you don't want to do any—"
"No, no," He cut her off waving his hand, and shaking his head with a smirk "That's not what I meant. I just figured you wanted..." He trailed off not entirely sure what she would want at this instant.
"Wanted?" She inquired, spurring him on.
"I — maybe some space?" He said shyly, shrugging his shoulders.
"I have space. Have you seen where we are?" She looked around reinforcing her point. "I was gonna watch a movie." He should go back to his room, leave her to her devices. "Join me?" Join me, she wished. Join me, he said over in his head. He nodded, smiling.
"Yeah, of course." He started on the stair, taking the steps slowly.
"Sore?"
"That obvious huh?" He teased with a chuckle. "Hot tub helped though." Immediately after his words, he felt stupid for mentioning the hot tub.
"Yeah, it was nice. I'm glad you convinced to get in." She was still smiling. Dean was suspicious but accepted her kindness nevertheless. "You want something to drink or maybe some snacks. Sit." She pointed at the couch.
"You know, I can take care of myself, snacks and sore muscles." He looked at her making his way to the kitchen, stopping when she looked at him serious before her expression softened.
"I know, I just wanted to be nice. Plus, I was heading in here anyway for some popcorn and M&Ms." Y/N rummaged through the cupboards while Dean moved to the couch after grabbing the popcorn and some drinks.
"Dean."
"Yeah."
"Emergency."
"What. What happened?" She turned to him, the saddest expression he'd ever seen on her face. "Hey, you okay." He rushed over putting his hands on her shoulder and lowering his face to be at eye level.
"Were out of M&Ms." Dean stood up straight taking a breath of air, before busting at the seams with laughter. She wound up before punching his in the arm. "Not funny Dean."
"Ouch! Sore! Remember?" All the while chuckling.
"Sorry. Still not funny." She stated sternly, pouting angrily.
"Y/N, sweetheart, I'm sure there are other sweets around here somewhere." He dropped his head again, getting to eye level.
"Yeah. I know. There's a whole bag of High Chewsand another one with chocolate almonds but it's not the same as M&Ms." Dean sighed. He was dealing with a child, and groaned internally.
"We are running low on some other stuff too, now that I think of it. Supply run tomorrow? You interested? You don't have to go," He put his arm around her grabbing the aforementioned sweets and leading her to the couch. "but if you want to you can." She looked up to him in disbelief.
"Of course, I'm coming with. There isn't a chance in hell you could get away with leaving me here." They sat down, Dean reaching for the remote to turn on the TV. He loved that despite the length of the sofa she chose to stay next to him. Right next to him.
"Good. I was hoping for some company. You know we'll have to go incognito. Dress up."
"I've always loved dressing up, you're the one who hates it."
"Since when? I love dressing up." Y/N looked at him wide eyed grinning from ear to ear as she squealed before laughing. "What! No, you know I hate dressing up."
"There is no getting out of that one Winchester! You just admitted to liking dress up." She laughed, bumping into him as she rocked back and forth.
"No, I didn't. Doesn't matter. What are we watching?" He'd dropped his voice an octave, asserting his dominance and manliness with his tone.
"Doesn't matter to me what we watch." She leaned into him as she settled, resting her head on his shoulder. He practically froze at her actions though quickly snapped out of it not wanting her to notice and pull away thinking she was making him uncomfortable.
"You were the one who wanted to watch a movie." She shrugged.
"Mm wasn't the movie in particular I just wanted to spend time with you." Dean felt a surge, though he was calling the unfamiliar feeling in his body fireworks, for lack of a better term, roll through him roughly at the sound of her words. She was so nonchalant, like it wasn't the sweetest thing in the world to say to him just now, like it shouldn't have had any effect on him. But he saved face.
"Any suggestions?"
"Whatever you want." The fireworks where pulsing through him every time she spoke or moved against him reminding him of the contact she had initiated. She had initiated. His heart was racing. Dean put on a movie not really caring as to what they watched. He put on The Holidayseeing Jude Lawand Jack Blackin the cast, after searching holiday movies in categories. Y/N snuggled down, content with his choice. She was still leaning firmly against his side, so when he lifted his arm slowly, she shifted her weigh slightly allowing him the option of moving over. Instead, and to her delight, he put his arm around her tugging her in closer. Her head rested on his chest and his breath became heavy, a smile on his face. Thank god she couldn't read his mind right now, he thought, it would be so loud.
"Dean."
"Yeah?"
"You okay?"
"Ye-yeah, I'm perfect. Why?" She hummed in response.
"Mm, no reason." His heart was the reason. She could hear it pounding away at a hundred beats per second. She smiled to herself. Thank god he couldn't read her mind right now, she thought, it would be so loud.
When Dean woke up the next morning, he found Y/N eating breakfast already with a full plate in front of her and a second beside her.
"There you are, thought I was gonna have to go wake you up." Dean liked the idea. Waking up to her, as she softly pressed on his shoulder while whispering his name. That would be a nice way to wake up. "How are you feeling? Can you walk?"
"Yes, I can I walk." He chuckled. "I feel fine actually. Slept hard. What's the rush anyway?"
"Supply run, remember? It's a bit of a drive to town and with it being so close to Christmas I figured It'd be crowed. Probably long lines and stuff. I thought if we went early enough, we would have a safe drive home in the day light. Not that you're a bad driver in the dark I just figured, you know..." Y/N bite down on her egg and toast, then jerked her head to the plate next to her. "That's for you." Dean sat taking his toast before biting in as well.
"Mm, thank you."
"Mhm, sure thing."
"Good thinking by the way. I guess we should get going huh? Considering it's—" He looked at his watch. "Almost noon." He finished with a chuckle.
"Dress up." She smirked at him with a giggle.
"Okay, okay, just don't go telling Sam about it. He doesn't need to know I enjoy dressing up."
"Why not? It's not like it's some big secret, he knows." Dean groans, rolling his eyes as Y/N finishes up her breakfast. Y/N gets up but Dean interrupts her movement.
"Leave your plate. I can clean up. You go get dressed, you take way longer than I do."
"Okay, thanks." Y/N headed upstairs after dropping her plate in the sink while Dean finished his breakfast.
Seeing as no one had any idea as to how long they would be in hiding, Y/N and Dean had both packed everything they owned, clothing wise. This allowed for Y/N to be where she was at right now, as she stood over her two options for an undercover outfit. She was never the type of girl to dress up or use make up or tame her hair. She would now have the challenge of doing those things in addition to picking out her outfit. On the left of the bed lay a simple little white dress with pink and red flowers, accompanied by a knitted dark green sweater to go on top, while on the left was a pile with jeans and t-shits accompanied by sweat pants and sweaters. She had seen the dress on a mannequin long ago, falling in love with it instantly. Despite not having anywhere to wear it, she had bought it regardless and assemble the rest for fun. This was the one thing no one would expect her to wear, therefor it was exactly what she put on.
Unlike Y/N, Dean had never fallen in love with an outfit on a mannequin and so, was left with his regular clothes or his FBI suit. Dean turned when he heard a knock at the door. He smirked, knowing it could only be one person.
"Come in, sweetheart." She peeked in before stepping over the threshold once she realized he was nowhere near being ready.
"So much for 'you take longer than I do'" She dropped her voice a few octaves, whilst mimicking Dean. It often tickled him when she did, because she would impersonate him and his body gestures as well creating a comic relief, though until recently her impressions were to hurt him or mock him. But in that moment, he couldn't care less if she was mocking him or simply teasing, as a matter of fact he hardly heard a word that come out of her gorgeous glossy lips. She had lightly applied makeup keeping a natural look while still accentuating her physical virtues. Dean, to put it lightly, was gobsmacked. Her hair had been slightly curled and was kept out of her face with a few pins, as opposed to her usual hunting ponytail, pulling firmly back to avoid distractions.
"You — you — you —" She tossed the white wool lined jean jacket along with her rarely used leather messenger bag on the bed.
"I know." She looked down on herself tugging the dress on both sides to fan it out, as if putting it on display. "I look weird." She looked back up to Dean who had barely moved since she had entered the room. The stupid fireworks.
"I was gonna say lovely." He'd practically whispered his response, unable to conjure up more volume. She giggled not entirely believing his words, but thought it was sweet regardless of her beliefs.
"Why aren't you dressed."
"I have nothing to wear 'incognito'." His hand doing air quotes, before pointing at his bag of clothes.
"Dean you haven't even looked."
"I don't have to; I know what I own." She paused for a second thinking on her plan.
"Okay, I can help you, but if I do, you have to wear what I give you."
"No."
"Dean, come on."
"I don't trust you to dress me."
"Oh, come on, I wouldn't dress you badly. I have to be seen with you remember." He considered her offer a moment longer before giving in.
"Okay, fine."
"Excellent." She smiled wildly. "Show me your skinniest jeans."
"I don't own skinny jeans."
"I said your skinniest." Dean rolled his eyes, rummaging around his bag before pulling out a pair of black jeans.
"There you go, pretty sure the dye made 'em shrink in the wash so those are my skinniest jeans."
"Good. Now put 'em on." Y/N turned to his bag looking for an appropriate shirt.
"Well, not right now. Just give me the rest of the outfit, then I'll get changed."
"I gotta see what I'm working with, Dean. Put on the pants, it's not like it's anything I haven't seen before. I saw you in your underwear yesterday and you saw me in mine now change." Why did she have to bring up that memory, the near kiss and her wet body as she stepped out of the hot tub last night. He'd been too worked up to think much of it at the time but now. Now that memory was slowly driving him crazy, especially with how her dress was high up on the back of her thighs as she leaned over his bed on her tippy toes, searching through his bag. He cleared his throat and along with it his mind as she turned her head to look at him. "Unless you're going commando right now. Cause then it would be something I haven't seen."
"No, I'm not going commando!" He sounded almost insulted by her insinuation. She only laughed.
"Then drop 'em. Put 'em on, come on Dean."
"Okay! Okay, no need to rush."
"I'm ready to go and I'm waiting on you." She turned back to him right in time to watch him push his pants down his bowed legs. She couldn't take her eyes off of him as he straightened his back before pulling each leg out individually. He kicked it off and across the room, then tugged the jeans on, unhooking them from where they caught on his heels, then over his knees before fastening them on his hips. He looked up to her, expectantly. Dean reached over to his bag grabbing his worn in brown belt and just as he was threading it through the first loop, she spoke up.
"Do you have a back one?" He looked up through his lashes, though his head was still hung low.
"Yeah. Why?"
"Wear the black one."
"Seriously now even I can pick my own belt."
"The black one Dean." He sighed in defeat unzipping a different pocket on his bag, pulling out a black belt wrapped around itself, and smiling at her sarcastically. She looked at him raising her eye brows as he behaved with the utmost maturity. Once the belt was on, Y/N lifted a few shirts she'd picked out holding them against his chest as she attempted assembling the rest of the outfit. Dean stood patiently, no longer caring if his pants were skinny or baggy, if his belt was brown or black, if his shirt would be white or blue. She was so close to his body, so he focused on every movement she made, every facial expression as she determined the right shirt to wear. He saw her smile proudly, though still softly and he knew she had found the one she'd insist on him wearing. She held up a button-down shirt in dark green, similar to her sweater, leaving the rest of the discarded tops on the bed. She moved her gaze to his eyes.
"It'll bring out your eyes. Not that they need any help." He blushed at the complement, a shy smile appearing on his face. He peeled off his black PJ shirt grabbing, a clean dark grey one from in his bag and putting it on. He looked to Y/N, who hadn't diverted her gaze from him and held out his hand for the shirt. Dean took it in one hand, then pulled it over his arm and across his shoulder, draping down his back, then finally putting his other arm in. Meanwhile, Y/N had stepped closer to him and reached for the collar pulling into place. She made her way down his chest, sliding her hands over his body and stopping at each button to secure in it their respective holes. He just watched, in a trance only she could put him in. He didn't understand her delicate demeanour around him since he'd tried to kiss her. He thought he'd ruined their friendship but instead she had snuggled up to him that night and now this. He was lost. In her beauty. In his thoughts. In her touch. He was lost. His pulse, to his surprise, slowed when she looked him in the eyes once again.
"Told ya." She took a deep breath before stepping back a to see the final results. Pleased, she smiled and nodded in approval. "You should have a sweater on. It'll be better." She left the room abruptly and he was left on the spot until she came running back in with a dark grey knitted sweater. He raised his eye brows in question. "Don't worry it'll fit. It's a men's sweater anyway and I got three sizes too big." She was clearly happy with her purchase as she handed it to him. Without a word he pulled the dark grey material over his head and down his torso and Y/N readjusted his collar so it peeked out ever so slightly. She ran her hand through his hair tidying it up as much as one could with a hand and no products, smiling. Dean felts a shiver crawl through him at her gentle touch. "We should go." Dean nodded as Y/N moved away from him, grabbing her jacket and purse from the bed and stepped out of his room. He followed behind her after grabbing his wallet and phone from his night stand. Dean spotted Y/N by the entrance, one hand bracing her against the wall as she pulled on her boot. Her everyday wool socks fit the outfit perfectly. With her jacket on her back and her boots on her feet she turned to Dean, clutching the strap of her purse with both hands. What a sight. He paused at the bottom of the stairs, capturing this moment for eternity, safely storing the image before him under "love".
"What?" She furrowed her eye brows though he said nothing to put her mind at ease. Not right away at least. He took a moment longer leaving her in the dark when it came to his thoughts.
"You're beautiful." A simple statement. No hesitation in his words, no stuttering or tripping over them, no signs of doubt in his body language. In fact, he was standing tall, shoulder back, chin up. A proud and confident posture. She could tell he believed in what he was saying. She surprised herself when she didn't feel shy or flustered. On the contrary, she was comfortable in the presence of his complement, and for the first time she accepted it. She didn't turn it into a joke or criticize his eye sight. She smiled.
"Thank you." He smiled, finally approaching her and stopping only when he was right in front of her.
"And I didn't mean because you're all dressed up." He looked deep in her eyes searching for the trust he had for her reflected back to him.
"I know." And he found it. He could kiss her right now but he wouldn't. Not after last night's mishap. If she wanted a kiss, he'd let her initiate it.
She could kiss him but she wouldn't. Not after last night's mishap. She didn't want him to think she was doing it out of pity. She'd wait for him to initiate a kiss.
The drive to the local shopping centre was filled with classic rock and friendly banter. They had a list of what they were to buy but in reality, they would make it a free for all and buy whatever they wanted. The grocery store was attached to a mall and when they arrived, they looked at each other, both worried they would be spotted while also wanting to spend a little time outside the cabin. They would be careful. But they would also enjoy themselves a little. Dean parked relatively far from the door, due to the lack of crowds and prying eyes, and grabbed his jacket from the back see where he'd tossed it. They got out of the car and made their way to the stores. Dean's phone went off alerting him of a text. He pulled the device from his pocket reading over what was sent to him, stopping to focus.
"Is it Sam? Any news?"
"No, it's Bobby asking if we're still alive or if we've killed each other yet." He smiled to her noticing her expression drop. "Remember no news is good news, Y/N. Sam working his butt off, we'll be outta here soon okay." He held her arm facing her, bending slightly to be at her eye level.
"I know. I don't even know why I'm sad. I'm gonna miss this pace when we have to leave." He chuckled softly.
"Really? I thought you'd be missing the bars and hunts right about now."
"Well, I do but," She started walking towards the mall again. "I'm enjoying myself. It's not as bad as I expected." She smiled up to him as he walked next to her.
"Good. I'm glad." They decide on doing the groceries last, making their way through to the mall. It wasn't even that they wanted to shop, they just didn't want to be cooped up in the cabin anymore, though they'd realized by the end of the day they much preferred each other's company as opposed to the crowds of the mall. They walked around for a while before Y/N stopped in her tracks. Dean looked back to her as she stood still, mouth agape. She had an idea, and Dean knew.
"Sweetheart? What?" Her smile grew.
"You can't be with me."
"You're ditching me in this mayhem?"
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes. Dean, you can't be with me right now."
"Why not?"
"Take a wild guess."
"I don't wanna."
"You don't have too, but I am."
"That's not why. I just don't wanna be left alone with all these people. You know it's dangerous out here and you could be spotted. There are lots of people here."
"Really? I hadn't noticed. Dean it'll take me five minutes and I'll be careful."
"Fine. But I don't like this." He crossed his arm over his chest.
"You've made that perfectly clear, just wait here and I'll be back okay?"
"No way. I'm not just staying here like a sitting duck. Nuh-uh, I'll walk around and when you're done well meet up. At that big Christmas tree, okay?"
"Fine. Just don't follow me."
"Fine." She smiled once more before walking past him and once she could no longer see his face he smiled. Little did she know he had wanted to split up as well.
Dean wondered if she'd like the gift, that she didn't even know he'd gotten her. After hiding it in his biggest jacket pocket, he approached the overly large tree at the centre of the mall, professionally decorated and well lit. There she stood, his Y/N, waiting for him next to some decorative presents. She held in her hand a black bag with no label on it. Her back was to him back he could tell from her posture she was in a good mood. He was focused, so intently, on her he hadn't realized she was speaking with someone.
Y/N waited for Dean once she had gotten what she had set out to get. It was perfect and she knew he'd love it. A stranger had started talking her up and initially she had her guard up thinking he'd recognize her from the news but he didn't. He was just making conversation. She kept up the friendly conversation with the bored man who had been dragged to the mall by his sister, as a male opinion. He was flirting. Not impolitely and only going as far as she'd let him. She didn't mind, though certainly wasn't interested, and had honestly missed it before catching on after he asked if she was busy later. Dean showed up just in time.
"Hey, sweetheart." He placed his hand on her back, informing her of his presence. She looked up to him happily once she realized he was there.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were waiting for your boyfriend. Should've figured as much. My bad. I hope I didn't come off as rude or anything." Dean, a tad lost looked to her to see what she was going to respond, mostly curious as too if she would correct him about the boyfriend comment.
"No, you weren't rude by any means. It's alright. You have a good time shopping with you sister."
"Thanks." The stranger chuckled shyly, mildly embarrassed as she went to leave slightly walking into Dean's chest and pulling him with her by the hand. Dean followed, swerving through the crowds of people before realizing she was holding his hand. He didn't let go, even after they were in the clear of loosing each other in the ocean of shoppers and, to his delight, neither did she. They walked around some more with their hand in each other though their fingers weren't intertwined. Dean had thought of sliding his fingers between hers, but refrained.
In front of them was a couple, smiling and laughing, holding bags in one hand, and their partners hand in the other. The sight made Dean smile with the knowledge that people would see him holding her hand. Y/Ns hand. He looked down to her face and saw a sweet smile on her lips, jerking his heart. She looked up at him after seeing the couple, making eye contact with her green-eyed companion and both blushed shyly, quickly averting their gaze. Dean swallowed hard. Y/N took a deep breath and grazed her index over his pinky drawing his attention to their connection. He moved his pinky then felt her finger passes his before feeling her middle finger tease his pinky. He quickly realized what she was doing and went along with it, gladly. Soon enough their fingers pressed between each other's, Dean's grip strong and warm in her soothing one, her fingers stoking over his knuckles. Neither spoke about what was happening and neither dared to look to the other. Not wanting to ruin the moment or scare the other, they chose rather, to enjoy the simplicity of the moment.
Realizing they were walking in circles they decide to go do what they had gone there to do. Reaching the door to the grocery store was when they broke apart, reluctantly, needing both hands to push the buggy. They made their way around grabbing what they needed and then some. Any spectator could see they genuinely enjoyed each other's company. Even while shopping they seemed to be having fun. Shopping took longer than it should have and by the time they were on their way home the sun had begun to set. The drive was smooth, the music kept to a low hum in the distance, while they appreciated the solitude that came with leaving the shopping centre. They'd occasionally glance at each other though both did more often than the other knew. Y/N wanted to slide closer to him, maybe rest her head on his shoulder like she'd done the other night. He seemed to like it, or maybe he was simply putting up with her. She stayed in her spot once again steeling a peek at the world-renowned hunter, though when she looked at him all she saw was a man next to her. A man who'd been through hell and had come out stronger, yet all the more broken. She saw it all, looking at him in that moment, and still, he was a man. A man who had never hurt her, nor would he ever. A man who cared for her, and treated her with respect and despite her cruelty towards him in the beginning, treated her kindly. Through everything he'd been through and given up and gained, he was just a man. He was just Dean Winchester. Could she really be falling for him? For Dean? The smile on her face that appeared at the idea spoke for itself and it felt good not to fight it. It felt good to not to wantto fight it.
Dean could feel her stare and wasn't sure if he should speak up or just leave her be. He could tell she was deep in thought. He wanted to look at her, try to read her mind through her eyes, see what she could see in that moment, overhear what her mind was talking about, feel she was feeling, but he was just a man. He had no special abilities he could use to do such a thing. All he could do was sit and drive. Get her home safely where he could stare at her shamelessly and get lost in thought, just as she had done.
By the time Baby pulled up the drive way and was put in park, the sun had gone down completely, but it was still bright out due to the moon light reflecting off the snow everywhere. Dean stepped out of the car after shutting it off while Y/N did the same. He grew a smirk at his idea as he reached for the snow bank next to him. He turned just as Y/N did. Both had a pile of snow in their hand and both were in a stance, ready to throw. They bent over laughing once they realized they both had the same idea, though it did stop them from actually doing it. Dean threw first hitting her in the knee. Y/N wasn't going to go so easy on him, and with being a hunter she had impeccable aim, hitting him smack in the middle of his chest and clung to the material. Snow glided through the air back and forth as well as screams and laughs. Dean held a ball, ready to throw while Y/N waited for it. She attempted moving but he threatened' her with the snow in his hand. She smirked and took a step forward. His arm wound back a little further with every step she took and before he knew it, she was sprinting at him. He threw the snowball only grazing her shoulder as he startled at her charge. Y/N ran at him reaching out for him as she tackled him into the snowbank behind him. Dean squinted avoiding getting snow in his eyes, as he held her tight, laughing. They had sunk in a few feet, Y/N lying in his chest, laughing hysterically. Between cackles she managed to get out a few words.
"We're stuck Dean. My hands are pinned under you back. I can't move." They were weak from laughing so hard and for so long. "Really wish I wasn't wearing a dress right now."
"That right, you're probably freezing." Dean would have lay there for hours if she'd let him. Having her pressed against him stealing his breath away both metaphorically and literally, the the weight of her on his chest left his lungs struggling for air. But he still wanted her to be warm, of course. Maybe they could watch and movie and she would rest her head on his chest once again. He'd like that.
"Been warmer that's for sure. But I've been colder." No matter how cold the air made her, Dean had warmed her twice as much. "You're gonna have to lift your back so I get my arms out and get off of you." He chuckled as he shifted his weight to his legs slightly lifting onto his shoulder blades while Y/N pulled her arms out one by one and resting them on his chest. "Thanks." He gave her his hands to help push her up and out of the snowbank. Once on her feet, she kept her hands in his and pulled him out, with a grunt. She brushed off of his shoulders, then nodded with the same smile on her lips she'd been wearing all day. She was happy. The laughing hadn't died down yet, between the two of them.
"You hungry?" He asked smiling.
"I'm always hungry." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders walking back to the car to grab what they had purchased, then made their way inside.
The fire had kept the cabin warm in their absence and welcomed them with a soft dancing light, beckoning them inside. They shed their jackets and boots, leaving them to dry. Groceries were put away as they worked around each other as though synchronized after years of practice. They agree on changing before making dinner, preferring warm dry clothes to the attire they had on. Both emerged from their rooms in sweat pants and hoodies. They split the effort put into dinner, making chicken and mashed potatoes and whatever side either wanted. They drank beer with their meal keeping the comfortable atmosphere and now they sat on the couch together watching a movie that had both seen in the past, having it mostly as back ground noise while they talk about whatever they wanted to, going wherever the conversation took them. Dean sat with one leg tucked under the other, facing Y/N, while Y/N sat with both feet tucked under herself, facing Dean. The conversation had died down and Y/N watched the fireplace, a content smile on her face. Dean looked at the bottle in his hand, picking at the label contemplating asking the one question he'd wanted to ask since he'd met her.
"Can I ask you something?" His voice was timid and hardly heard over the wind gusting in the chimney. Y/N looked to him, seeing the look on his face told her he worried about her answer.
"Anything." Dean nodded ticking his jaw once, twice, then licked his lips and sighed. She knew what he was about to ask, though she expected it much sooner, and despite the extended time she had had, she still wasn't sure if she had an answer.
"Can I ask why?" She smiled sadly, this time feeling her heat clench in her chest. "Why didn't you talk to me and — and stuff?" He looked over his palm avoiding eye contact.
"You mean why did I treat you like shit?" He shrugged, not wanting to be so blunt. She was quiet for and few counts, trying to find an answer. She sighed.
"I don't even have a good excuse. I would say that it was because I wasn't used to having someone be so kind to me for no reason. People aren't kind to me and I've learned to expect it, so when you were kind it made me angry because I wasn't sure how to react. I wasn't sure if it was genuine or if I was being played. I've been hunting since I was a kid, Dean and it was either get tough or get hurt and I guess I lost track of what tough was and just got mean. I though your kindness was conditional and I didn't want to get used to it, only to have it ripped away. I couldn't have you thinking I was weak. I couldn't let myself like your company or anything of the sort, because I didn't want to risk the pain when I lost you. So, I was mean. But the way I treated you was— is unacceptable. You didn't, nor do you deserve that, Dean and I'm sorry. I really am. I'll be making up for the way I treated you for the rest of my life. And, for the record," She looked to him to find him watching her. "I never hated you."
"Then why were you kind to Sam? Why was it only me?"
"When I first met you Dean, the moment I saw you, I knew you could be someone I loved. Whereas Sam, he was an acquaintance, he could be a friend sure but it was different with you. I — knew I'd get attached and I could let that happen. Not to say I don't love Sam but it wasn't so immediate, so strong as it was with you. It scared me, and when I get scared, I protect myself. I apparently, hurt people in the process. Ironically, the people I care about because I care about them." Dean was once again looking at the bottle, nodding in comprehension.
"I understand actually. I just wish you would have realized sooner that I would never hurt you." She chuckled humourlessly looking back at the fire.
"Yeah. Me too."
"But," She looked at him the he paused only to find him smiling. "I'm glad you came around." She smiled nodding back at him.
"Yeah. Me too."
The night grew longer and both marched off to bed, leaving a few more logs on their warming pyre.
This was Y/Ns most hated part of the day, and Deans as well though neither knew. This was when they say good night and part ways until the sun rose again. Just as they'd done on many nights, they hugged and left each other in hopes of catching some shut eye while being apart. They couldn't very well ask to share a bed as there were two rooms designated to them. Well, suppose they could, neither would suggest it. So, they slept in separate rooms, in separate beds, and stayed up most of the night wishing they were in the others. Tonight was no exception.
Y/N tossed for hours after having turned out the lights. She didn't need much sleep to function, though did like to not be obligated to think of a certain green-eyed hunter, who lay alone just down the hall. Why had she turned away when he tried to kiss her. It was the perfect opportunity and she declined. She kicked herself for not ceasing the moment. She wondered why he hadn't tried again. He'd had plenty of opportunity, dozens, and yet she remained un-kissed. He was still thinking about how they started, with her cruelty. She understood, of course she did, and she regretted it. Maybe his attempt that night in the hot tub was a lapse in judgement for him. Perhaps he wasn't interest, and was simply feeling more for her than usual, being locked up with her and only her. Her mind was a whirl pool of ifs ands and buts, stealing away the hours. Y/N pulled back the cover stepping onto the hard wood floor on her tippy toes. She crept to her door in only her t-shirt and panties, such were her pjs, and down the hall intending on getting a glass of milk to sooth her writhing conscience. A sound stopped her in front of Deans door. She pressed her ear to the wood that separated the two. She felt bad for trying to spy, or was it eaves dropping, regardless, she wasn't proud. Her heart sank when she made out cries, or rather sobs on the other side of the door. It didn't stop. She knocked and all sobs were cut short. She waited for him to say something but he didn't. She knocked again before hesitantly opening the door, realizing it could have been a huge mistake.
"Dean?" No answer was returned as he pretended to sleep. "I know you're awake." She heard him sigh.
"You okay, sweetheart? Do you need anything?"
"What I need if for you to tell me if you're okay."
"Why? I'm perfectly fine." She nodded not wanting to push him to say something he wasn't comfortable saying.
"Do you want me to stay?"
"No, I'm fine sweetheart, really." She only nodded again. She wasn't going to force him to say or do anything he didn't explicitly want. She turned back walking the short distance she'd covered to the door.
"Y/N." She looked at Dean who looked tired and broken, sitting up in his bed. He wasn't going to be able to ask her to stay, though his mind and body craved her presence.
"Can I stay, Dean? I would really like to stay here tonight if that's okay with you. I could use the company." It was exactly what Dean should have said but he was too ashamed to get the words out. He nodded and moved over in the bed, pulling the blankets back on the far side over the bed while Y/N closed the door. She walked around the bed to her side, sliding under the sheets slowly. Not wanting to push her luck or any boundaries not to mention she was too damn afraid; she lay down next to him not touching him at all. For a moment all was quiet. For a moment.
"Do you not like cuddling." Dean spoke very shyly, fiddling with his finger as he stared down the ceiling above them. Out of all the things she expected him to say, that was at the bottom of the list.
"I love cuddling, just didn't really think you did, thought you more so tolerated it. You've always been a one-night stand type of guy I guess I just assumed you preferred it that way." He chuckled humourlessly at her comment.
"Well, I mean I can live without it. Hell, I have lived without it. But I'm not opposed to it if you want to." He'd gone back too fiddling with his finger watching them as he did so, near the end of his sentence.
"You do like to cuddling, don't you?" She had turned slightly to look at him. He looked embarrassed, ashamed even. "It's nothing to be ashamed of Dean." She reached for his cheek touching him gently and he leaned in so strongly it hurt her. Not physically, obviously, but inside.
"You've been so starved of affection, Dean."
"No, I haven't. I'm perfectly fine." He scoffed yet not quite pulling away from her touch.
"The way you leaned into my touch says otherwise." His look of shame reappeared instantly. She took her hand back, sitting up in the bed.
"Scootch closer." He did. Y/N got comfortable on his chest as he put his arm around her body cautiously. Y/N hugged him the best she could from the position she lay in and he respond with his grip tightening as well. Soon after, she could feel the sobs before she could hear them.
"Please don't tell anyone." She could tell by the sound of his voice, how drowned it was in pain, that he was begging. "Especially not Sam. Don't tell him that I feel this way. That I'm this broken." She wanted to argue with him, tell him he wasn't broken and that the way he was feeling was nothing short of normal. That he shouldn't be worried about what people think and that Sam would support him no matter what, but she didn't. She couldn't. You couldn't get through to Dean that way. He wouldn't listen to words like that, so instead she makes him promise.
"Under one condition."
"What?" He sniffled
"The next time you feel this way, you come to me and you let me help you. You let me piece you back together." Because if he was going to beat himself up over this, the least she could do was be there for him when he needed patching up.
"Okay."
"Promise me."
"I promise." They lay there a while, Y/N absentmindedly tracing wrinkles in his shirt. She sat up to adjust herself and get more comfortable but apparently caught Dean off guard.
"Where— Never mind."
"What, Dean." She looked down on him and he refused to meet her gaze.
"Nothing..."
"You promised"
"It's nothing sweetheart..." She held his gaze now that he'd looked to her. He set his jaw before continuing. "I was gonna ask where you were going but it's — it's fine. None of my business really." He mumbled the last bit, casting his eyes down. All she could do was smile and explain.
"I'm not going anywhere. Not ever." He looked to her; surprise written all over his face. "But that doesn't mean you can't ask. I don't want you to think that it annoys me every time you ask me if I'm leaving or if I'm staying the night or anything you ask to reassure you. I know what's it's like to not be sure. And to feel like every time you ask you just annoy them and make it worse. Fell like one day they will leave because they're sick of you asking. You can ask me. You can always ask me. That's a promise. But I can also promise that my answer will always be the same. I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever. I'm not leaving you. I won't leave you." His eyes were teary once again but he didn't cry. She tugged on his shoulder and he looked at her confused. "Come here. I'm going to hold you." His confusion furthered with her explanation. "Trust me, it's better for you. You'll like it. And if you don't then you say you don't and we stop. Come here." She lay down in her spot while Dean rolled onto his side pausing to look at her for confirmation. She smiled at him sweetly before putting and hand on his cheek and resting his head on her chest. Her fingers massaged his head, running her fingers through his hair, while her free hand went under his shirt to stroke softly at his back. He couldn't hold back the sighed moans and whimpers as Y/N turned him into jello with just her fingers. She kissed the top of his head whispering sweet nothings until he fell asleep.