Today's temp job had been bad and all Cooper wanted to do was vent, but it was date night and he knew Abra and Ellie were going straight from their job to romantically ride around on the ferries for a few hours. But that was okay. Date night meant Sasha, and Sasha was a good listener. Cooper picked a bunch of bright pink flowers from a bush on the way home.
Cooper got back to the apartment building and knocked on Sasha's door without even bothering to stop home first. It was as the door was opening that he realised his mistake.
Cooper wanted to cry. He said he'd come by at six and it wasn't even five yet. Sasha was going to think he was doing this on purpose or that at very least that he was extremely inconsiderate. Maybe he was inconsiderate. Why couldn't he stop and think for two seconds before he did things?
Cooper squeezed his eyes shut for a couple of seconds and then sighed and opened them again. "Sorry. I'm early. I just— I don't know. I'll come back later."
"Are you okay?"
Cooper forced a smile and ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, just. Rough day. I picked you these flowers."
"Thank you," Sasha said as he took the flowers. "Do you want to come in?"
"You don't mind? I can come back later..."
"No, it's fine."
Cooper entered the apartment and flopped down on Sasha's bed while Sasha filled a glass with water and put the flowers in it. Cute.
Sasha turned around and leant back against the counter. "Why was your day bad?"
"It was mostly my fault, honestly."
"Yeah?" Sasha walked over and sat down next to him on the bed. He was wearing his kitty pyjamas. Cooper wanted to cuddle him.
"Yeah," Cooper said. "I do temp work, which is the only thing that really works for me because I get too bored with normal jobs, but it can cause some issues especially with me being... well, me. I was at a new place today and the manager was explaining things and giving me a million steps all at once and then getting annoyed when I kept coming back and asking him about things he'd already told me. So I was like, well, can you write it down for me and he said no and I was like... what an asshole, right? He doesn't want me to keep asking him shit but he won't write it down, so what the fuck."
Sasha nodded.
"It was only just now, on the walk home, that I realised I could have just written it down myself. That was probably what the guy was thinking. Like... if I want it written down, I can take notes myself. I'm not very good at note taking because I find it hard to split my attention between two things, but it's a tool I use all the time and he wasn't, like, an awful person. He probably would have helped me if he'd seen me genuinely trying and struggling. But no, I just forgot taking notes was a thing I could do for an entire day."
"Do you have to go back again?"
"Yeah, on Monday," Cooper said. "Two more days."
"What are you going to do?"
"Honestly? Just talk to the guy. Tell him I have problems with these things and that I didn't mean to be difficult. I find that if you don't tell people why you're struggling they tend to assume the worst and be super judgemental, but if you do most people are actually pretty decent and will do their best to help you." Cooper pulled Sasha's weighted blanket over him and curled up under it. "Which is actually kinda fucked up, because I talk to people who get labelled as slackers or unreliable and there's usually a good reason. Like, they miss work a lot because they have a serious medical condition and they have to go to their appointments, or they didn't get any sleep because they spent all night dealing with a family emergency or whatever. But if they don't feel comfortable bringing their personal life to work or they don't know how to articulate what they're struggling with, people just assume they're lazy or whatever."
Sasha lay down next to Cooper. He shuffled closer when Cooper draped part of the weighted blanket over him. Not quite touching, but close. "It was a bit like that for me before I got diagnosed. That happened when I was eleven and then everything changed. Suddenly everyone, my parents and my teachers, was more patient with me, gentler and more supportive and forgiving. Because I had a name for why I couldn't listen to the teacher in class sometimes or why I didn't want to go out to loud places with my parents. But I hadn't changed. It was like, until then, they assumed I was only pretending those things were hard for me."
Do not hug the boy. Do not hug the boy. It seemed like a good idea, but Cooper knew that hugging would lead to wanting to kiss and that was not somewhere this needed to go. At least not right at that moment.
"My middle brother also has ADHD and he's successful now, so my parents are insufferable about it," Cooper explained. "But it wasn't like he worked hard and overcame it or anything. He just realised he was really into programming apps and he had some good ideas and it took off. Now they think I could just do the same thing if I tried harder, but I'm only interested in useless things like animal facts and playing video games."
"I'm glad at least my parents have realistically low expectations. Now, anyway. I worked hard to disappoint them for many years to get where I am today."
"My parents are bottomless pits for disappointment, unfortunately. It's a shame. They're not, like, awful people or anything, but I hardly ever even talk to them because every single time they try to poke their way into my life. I know they're only trying to be helpful, but they won't stop with the unhelpful and unsolicited ideas and then they get annoyed when I reject them all. Like, I'm fine! I didn't ask for any of that shit!" Cooper took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. "Sorry. I'm not being very fun."
"Isn't that like the thing you said last time? Friends don't always have to be fun?"
Cooper smiled. "Heh. Yeah. You remembered."
"Mmhm." Sasha rolled onto his side, which brought him closer to Cooper, and pulled the weighted blanket more fully over himself.
Cooper's brain shortcuited. What had he been talking about? He didn't know. He didn't care. Was Sasha just getting more comfortable, or was he creeping closer on purpose?
Cooper stretched his arms out above himself and when he brought them back down he draped the arm on Sasha's side over his forehead instead of letting it fall back against his side, leaving more space for Sasha to creep his way into if he so chose.
They were both silent now, though Cooper wasn't sure if it was because there was a change in mood they had both picked up on or if that was all him and Sasha simply wasn't talking because he was always a quiet person.
Sasha fidgeted as though he was trying to get into a more comfortable position, but when he was still again he was closer. Cooper lifted the arm that was resting on his forehead and draped it around Sasha's instead. Pretense abandoned, Sasha shuffled in against Cooper and rested his head on his shoulder, his arm draping across Cooper's stomach.
Cooper wondered if Sasha could hear his heart beating — or feel it, perhaps. Surely this was non-heterosexual cuddling. Right? There was no way this was nothing. He could talk his way into a stranger's pants in less than an hour at a party, but here, with Sasha? He felt too shy to say or do anything.
Cooper's phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached in and pulled it out because, well, he didn't know what else to do at this point. He definitely didn't want to pull away, but he didn't think trying to push things further was a good idea and how long could they just snuggle in silence before it became awkward?
It was Ellie. She had sent him an aesthetic picture of Abra standing at the front of the ferry, illuminated by the light of the setting sun as he looked out at the river. Cooper turned his phone so that Sasha could see.
"Oh," Sasha said. "I hope they're having fun on their date."
Ellie sent through another picture of Abra from a slightly different angle and Cooper let out a huff of laughter. "Yeah. Ellie sends me pictures not because she cares about me seeing them, but because she wants them backed up on my phone in case anything happens to hers. So I get to feel extra lonely on date night."
"Oh, um. I'm sure she doesn't mean to make you feel that way."
"Nah, it's fine. I don't actually mind. Besides, I'm not so lonely this time." It was only as Cooper said those words that he realised he was slowly stroking his knuckles back and forth against the top of Sasha's head, that he had been for some time. Even in this private game of gay chicken they were playing, that was a little much. He stopped, but he couldn't really take back the fact that it had happened.
But maybe he didn't want to take it back. Sasha had chosen to move closer to him and he still didn't seem uncomfortable. Whatever was going on here, maybe this was actually fine.
It seemed almost silly that he was a man who had given people head and then later realised he had never even asked their names and now here he was, all shy and flustered over chaste cuddles. He kinda preferred this side of himself, though. It felt more genuine to who he was as a person. He had never been that sexually confident. He had just been somewhat drunk and extremely eager to please.
He needed to keep talking, though. This was going to start to feel weird if they just lay there together in silence. "Did you know that koalas have fingerprints that are virtually indistinguishable from human fingerprints?"
"No I did not know that," Sasha said. "Tell me more."
Cooper would have interpreted that as sarcasm from most people, but Sasha sounded genuinely interested and perhaps a little amused.
"Well, chimps and stuff have fingerprints like ours, of course, but then also koalas. Just, randomly, this one species of animal that isn't closely related to us at all. That's called convergent evolution."
"Is that when two unrelated species evolve similar things? Like birds and bats having similar wings?"
"Yeah, exactly!" Cooper wanted to kiss the top of Sasha's head. It felt right, being cuddled up with him like this, but he still wasn't sure that was a direction Sasha wanted this to go in. "You're really smart."
"Oh, um, thanks. So are you."
"I don't know about that one."
"You just called me smart for knowing something you also knew, so either neither of us are smart or we both are."
"Well, uh... hmm."
"Yeah," Sasha said. "Cognitive dissonance."
Cooper mouthed the words back to himself. "What's that?"
"When you believe two conflicting things and it makes you uncomfortable. Like I'm really smart because I know what convergent evolution is but you're not."
"Well, you also know what cognitive dissonance is."
"So do you now."
"Mmngh," Cooper said as he carefully extracted himself from beneath Sasha's head and sat up. He instantly regretted it because there was no smooth way to reverse that move and re-engage cuddling, but he'd felt the overwhelming need to move his body.
"Sorry," Sasha said. "I guess I made you uncomfortable, and kind of intentionally."
Cooper looked down at where Sasha lay on the bed. He had such a gentle face, such delicate features. Cooper wanted to cup his face with his hand, press his lips against Sasha's and find out if they were as soft and yielding as they looked. Sasha held his gaze and for a long moment they were both silent. Cooper was sure something was about to happen.
It was Sasha who broke the silence. "Are you hungry?"
"Huh?"
Sasha broke his gaze and fidgeted with the bottom of his shirt. "I have stuff for dinner. If you're hungry."
"Oh, uh. Sure."
Sasha got up and the moment was over. Cooper lay down in the spot Sasha had been. It was still warm from his body.
"I got these," Sasha said, pulling something out of his small freezer and holding it up.
"The frozen spaghettis!" Cooper exclaimed. "You remembered I said I liked them?"
Sasha nodded. "It was the one thing I knew you'd like, so..."
"I'm really not fussy so you don't have to worry about it, but it is really nice that you remembered and got something I said I liked. Thank you, Sasha."
"You're welcome," Sasha murmured like he wasn't quite sure it was the correct response as he unsleeved one of the frozen spaghettis and turned around to put it in the microwave. "Four minutes."
"Until it's ready?"
Sasha looked taken off guard as he turned back around to look at Cooper, and Cooper realised he had probably just been mumbling to himself. "No, um, until... uh... nevermind."
"Okay," Cooper said. They were silent for a moment, but silence always felt like something that needed to be filled to Cooper so he found himself opening his mouth again. "You know, I think I don't like to think of myself as smart because then people expect things of me. Because then I expect things of myself. I don't think I'm stupid, but actually being smart? That's a lot of pressure."
"That makes sense," Sasha said as he leant against the kitchen counter next to the microwave. "They did some studies and they discovered it actually sort of messes kids up if you praise them for being smart, because it's basically telling them that they're someone who is good at things without having to try very hard and that's a good thing. It makes them afraid to fail or to not be good at everything right away because then people might think they're not smart."
"Man, my self esteem is shit and I'm still afraid of disappointing everyone, including myself. How is that fair?"
"It's not fair, but it makes sense, right? You said your parents were pretty judgemental and not very understanding."
"True," Cooper said. "I think it's also an ADHD thing. It's called, uh... Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. People with ADHD are often really sensitive to feeling like we're being judged or rejected or we're letting people down. Things like that. It's kinda rough when you also can't help being loud and impulsive and forgetful. It's really hard to fight against those feelings when you really do fuck things up a lot."
Sasha nodded as the microwave beeped. He took the spaghetti out, peeled the film back, and stirred the contents before replacing the film and putting the spaghetti back in the microwave for another two minutes. While it finished cooking, he turned back around to face Cooper again. "I feel that way about social anxiety. I guess it's similar. The thing I'm afraid of is the way I'll feel if something goes wrong. It's real and it's terrible and I experience it all the time. It's like trying to overcome a fear of spiders when your house is full of aggressive, venomous spiders."
Cooper let out a surprised huff of laughter. "I like that metaphor. That's a good one."
"Thank you," Sasha murmured. He stared at the ground until the microwave beeped again and he turned and took the spaghetti out. "Now I have to cook another one. I didn't put them in together because then I think they'd both cook slower and unevenly and I don't know how to..." Sasha shrugged.
"Makes sense."
"You can have this one that's done, though, and there's cheese if you want extra cheese. There's a little bit of parmesan that comes already on them but I think that's not enough cheese. For me, anyway. I like cheese."
"Cheese is good," Cooper agreed. "How about I get your little table set up and get us some water while you finish with the other spaghetti?"
"Okay."
"Thanks for having me over and making me dinner and everything," Cooper said as he got out the fold out table and set it up next to the bed. "I really appreciate it."
"Oh, well, thank you for... flowers," Sasha said, holding his entire arm out to gesture to the flowers.
Cooper couldn't help smiling. "You're welcome. I just picked them from a bush on the way home."
Sasha nodded. "Nobody's ever given me flowers before."
Cooper went to the cabinet and got out two glasses. "People don't normally give guys flowers, but I don't see why not. Why is that a gendered thing?"
"I think it's because guys are normally the ones who get gifts for girls and then... I don't know."
Ah, yes. Sasha had, possibly unintentionally, followed that line of reasoning to its natural end: that flowers were not typically a gift given platonically.
"Yeah, but you can get flowers for a graduation or a retirement or some other special event."
"True," Sasha said as though that had been anything at all. This wasn't a special event. "Well, anyway, I like them, so thank you."
Cooper smiled. "You're welcome."
They finished getting the meal together and they sat down on the bed together, right up close so that they could share the tiny table and definitely for no other reason.
Cooper wished he could spend time with Sasha more often, but he was fairly sure there was a massive difference between Sasha's capacity for social interaction and his own. His own was... well, limitless, really. That was definitely not the case for Sasha.
Living in these tiny apartments probably didn't help. Moments like these were cosy, but it did mean that hanging out with someone had a little extra intensity to it. You had to be close at all times. That was absolutely fine with Cooper, but it had already proven to be an issue for Sasha. That time he'd tried to retreat to the bathroom to calm down, he hadn't had the sense of privacy he had probably wanted because Cooper could still hear him sniffling.
"Hey Sasha?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think I could have your number so I can text you or call you or something? That way we can talk more without me stressing you out too much. Unless that would stress you out as well?"
Sasha stirred the cheese into his spaghetti. Cooper had almost finished eating his, but Sasha was only half done. "Oh, um. You could text me, maybe?"
"It's okay if you don't want to. We could just stick with this or whatever."
"No, I do, I just don't like phone calls. It's worse than talking face to face. I don't know why."
"Oh, yeah, that's fine!" Cooper got out his phone. "What's your number?"
"Uhh... I don't actually have it memorised, sorry. I can get it for you after I'm done eating?"
"Oh! Sorry." Cooper awkwardly tucked his phone back into his pocket. "I get excited sometimes and forget what I'm doing, or what other people are doing, and just start in on something else. I wonder how much that's directly because of the ADHD and how much it's a learned thing because I know if I don't do things the second I think of them I'll probably just forget."
"Don't worry, I'll remember to give it to you. It makes me feel better when I have a plan, so I have everything laid out in my brain. Clean up after dinner. Give you my number. Get the biscuits and eat them. And then... I don't know. I haven't thought further than that. I don't really know what people do when they hang out."
"I don't know if knowing what people do would help us much."
"True. I often don't feel like a people."
Cooper found himself smiling. "Well, whatever you are, I like it."
"You like it? And I thought I was weird."
"Hey!"
Sasha ate his last bite of food and climbed off the bed. "Sketti cleanup."
"Right!" Cooper said, getting up as well to help him. "And then..."
"Phone number."
"Right, right. I knew that was in there, but I couldn't remember if it was biscuits first or phone number first."
"Well I guess it's sort of at the same time actually because I'm getting biscuits and my phone, now, at the same time."
"I see, I see," Cooper said.
Cooper had noticed the shift in Sasha's speech patterns, and it was fucking adorable but also probably a sign he was starting to get stressed. Cooper could have happily hung out with him late into the night, but their needs were not the same and he was determined to be considerate.
"Biscuits," Sasha said as they sat back down together and he set the packet of biscuits against Cooper's thigh. He unlocked his phone and went into his contacts. "I don't have many contacts and one of them is me. That's— my number's in here."
"Okay," Cooper said as Sasha handed him his phone with his number pulled up on the screen so that Cooper could copy it into his. "Do you want me to put mine in yours as well? Like, in case you need anything. Or if you just wanted to talk to me. You could talk to me if you want."
Sasha opened the packet of biscuits. "Yes please."
When Cooper was done, he looked up to see Sasha with a chocolate chip biscuit just sort of in his mouth. He wasn't eating it, he was just sort of holding it there. He was so cute. Cooper's brain screamed PAT HIS HEAD and his hand made it halfway towards obeying before he thought better of it. He reached down to get a biscuit for himself instead, but Sasha's eyes had been tracking his movement and he'd definitely noticed that wasn't where Cooper had originally been reaching.
Sasha bit his biscuit in half and began eating it properly.
"I should probably go now," Cooper said after he had finished his biscuit. He really didn't want to, and Abra and Ellie wouldn't be home yet, but he didn't want to overstay his welcome. "You can finish the rest of the biscuits."
"Oh, um, okay. Thanks."
Cooper got off the bed and moved towards the door. "I already said it before, but thanks for having me over and making dinner and everything. It was really nice. I had fun."
Sasha walked over and stood by him near the door. "Me too. I mean, I also had fun."
KISS HIM, Cooper's brain said as Sasha opened the door for him, but Cooper gave the doorframe two solid slaps and ignored that impulse. "Goodnight, Sasha."
"Goodnight, Cooper."
Sasha's door shut behind Cooper, he took a deep breath in, let it out, and then he went for a jog. After dark. In jeans.