Alright, so, listen up. This isn't really a warning, but since the summary mentions baby murder, I just wanted to point out that nothing graphic is described, just a person contemplating killing a helpless infant. I don't know why I'm specifically mentioning this tbh, but it unsettled me to even think about hurting a newborn for the purpose of writing this, so idk if I'm just soft or what. I tried to mention it as little as possible. No babies were harmed in the making of this, only my soft, soft heart.
Happy reading...
oooooooooo
Even when she was being impulsive, Azula had a plan.
Whenever she decided to do something, her mind would offer up a plan of action with such ease, she sometimes wondered if there was a part of her subconscious that was always scheming in the background, just waiting on her to make up her mind about what she wanted next.
It could very well be true. If the last decade was any indication, there were a lot of things Azula didn't and would never understand about her own mind. Tonight, however, she would make headway on that for the first time.
Averting the palace guards was easy. Father had her memorize the routes and Zuzu hadn't bothered to change them in the slightest since he became Fire Lord. Not that she was complaining... Now there was just the climb. The window was tens of stories in the air, and using fire to propel herself was unwise, as it would attract unwanted attention in the dark of the night.
As she readied her climbing gear, Azula had a sudden urge to leave everything and abandon her mission. She faltered. Then right on clue, she heard her father's voice.
Yes, by all means... Leave... Tuck your tail between your legs like the miserable bitch you are and let your useless brother keep thinking he got away with everything...
Ozai had become a common visitor of hers since she heard of his death in prison about a year ago. He'd hung himself allegedly, and it still affected her less than what she'd found out a week ago. Zuko and Mai had a daughter. Something in her ignited again after learning the two traitors were living out their dream in the palace that was always supposed to be hers.
She could no longer stay away, not while their heir was sleeping in her old room, growing and waiting to take the throne her parents stole. Zuko didn't get to have everything. He already had their mother's love, her friends' love, the world's adoration, her throne, her palace, her whole life, and it was about time he finally lost something again.
Once Azula abandoned her doubt, once she started climbing for the little princess' room without hesitation, her father went silent. All the voices did. If she hadn't already been sure that was a clear sign she was on the right path and should go forward. She cherished the silence as she stepped into the palace through the window.
A small blue flame in her palm allowed her to quickly find the crib in the middle of the room. She carried a knife with her, yet as she was walking over to the baby, she realized it would be so vulnerable, she would probably have no difficulty killing it without a weapon at all. She almost laughed at her own silliness. Holding a newborn at knifepoint was illogical. Infants were weak and defenseless by design. At the mercy of whatever adult was closest to them, and tonight that was Azula.
She eyed the door briefly, identifying four guards creating shadows over the light coming in under the door from the hallway. Not enough. Not tonight. Not against her. She moved back the red fabric falling over the crib and her gaze fell on the child. A child that was very much awake. That deviated from the plan. No matter...
Her grip on the knife tightened. If it was quick, the baby wouldn't even have time to let out a sound. Azula couldn't afford to wait. Anything could set off the child and expose her position to every guard in the vicinity. She knew what to do. One smooth movement... Yet somehow, she found herself captivated by the infant's gaze. It was much smaller than Azula had expected, and suddenly she realized she'd never seen one this young and this close. It was so small...
It— She didn't appear to be in distress over Azula pointing a knife at her. Her small, chubby face displayed nothing but pure curiosity. Her eyes never left Azula's for a second, and it allowed her to notice how pure gold the little girl's irises were. Azula never wanted to look away.
Why wasn't the girl crying? Why was she so still? Was there something wrong with her?
The child's mood could turn at any moment, and Azula knew that. She knew she was risking capture and a return to the mental institution with every second she didn't act. Yet, she couldn't swing her knife. Not at a baby. Not at this baby.
The little girl was wrapped in some kind of cloth to keep her limbs still, but she was fighting it, wiggling her hands and feet, not in distress, but in excitement at seeing a new face. It still reminded Azula of being in a straitjacket. That one thought was enough to make her feel the straps around her torso, feel them tightening and tightening until she couldn't do much more than breathe shallow breaths. She put away the knife. Her memories might have found her, but the voices were still silent. If they were silent, it meant she was on the right path.
The little princess had struggled so much in the meantime, her arms were free now and kicking about without purpose. Azula could not say what came over her in that moment but she found herself leaning over and reaching carefully to tuck the baby's arms back in. The thoughts of assassination were not completely gone from her mind, but rather pushed in the back by a genuine fascination with the little creature.
The whole ordeal created an unfamiliar warm feeling in her chest, and she feared it as much as she wanted it to stay. She touched the infant's little arm as gently as she possibly could, and found it was so soft and fragile she had trouble believing every person she'd ever known started out that way. Her parents, Zuko, even her... She, too, was once a small and fragile creature in need of so much protection and gentleness. Then unexpectedly, the baby somehow grabbed hold of Azula's index finger and it made her stop everything she was doing. The warm feeling in her chest doubled and Azula, unbelievably, found herself smiling, all ill intentions abandoned in an instant.
What had happened? Azula was sure she hated children. She even hated children while she was a child. How was she so easily disarmed by this infant? Even while she was thinking that, the little human was making gurgling sounds that threatened to make Azula cry from how overwhelming the sensation in her chest had become.
The voices were still silent, and suddenly, Azula knew what she wanted to do.
Picking up a baby wasn't as hard as people made it out to be. Yes, the child squirmed a bit, but Azula could make her body warmer with just a thought and it seemed to soothe the little girl into being calm. Azula was surprised at how natural it felt to hold a baby, to be gentle towards a small human who couldn't endure anything else.
Not a single doubt crossed Azula's mind as she walked to the window. This was perfect. Zuko didn't get everything he wanted, this little princess got to live, and Azula got to explore her connection to her further.
This time Azula didn't waste time on climbing the wall. She simply stepped off the windowsill and allowed fire jets from her feet and one of her hands to slow her descent into something manageable. She'd left the climbing gear and knife in the nursery to point at a non-bender perpetrator.
Even when she was being impulsive, Azula had a plan.
oooooooooo
The baby was calm and quiet as Azula reached the already busy streets, right up until they stood in line to board a ship off the island. Then she screamed her little heart out for all of Capital City to hear and Azula didn't have one single idea on how to make it stop. Eventually, she had to get out of line and hide in an alley close by, since a screaming baby was getting her a lot of unwanted attention.
She looked between the houses to the sea and the horizon only to realize the sun was rising. The palace must be realizing the Princess was missing by now, and Azula's plan didn't account for the little girl drawing so much attention. She was still crying like Azula was somehow hurting her, which she'd checked multiple times she was not. It felt almost like the girl knew she was being taken away from her parents, but Azula put an end to that silly thought right away.
"Calm down." She knew it wouldn't work, but desperation was getting to her slowly. The screaming was unbearable. "Quiet."
In a stroke of brilliance Azula remembered Mai's mother with her son, Tom-Tom, as a baby. She would rock him, or one of the servants would. She attempted to mimic the movement, but the child seemed to think Azula's performance left something to be desired, as she was still screaming.
"Come on now..." More screaming and flailing. "This is unbecoming of a Princess of the Fire Nation."
A moment of clarity hit Azula. Taking care of a child on one's own was a formidable undertaking. Did she want to put all that effort into this girl if she could get the same effect on Zuko by simply delivering the girl to the nearest orphanage? The voices were still silent. Azula had half expected her mother to show up, insulting Azula's parenting skills, but no. She wouldn't even hear them over the crying if they were here... Crying?
Azula realized it had been truly quiet for a few seconds and looked down at the child. The girl had tears brimming her golden eyes, but she was no longer screaming, just looking up at Azula while being rocked.
This time the warm feeling in Azula's chest came back with a thought accompanying it.
I should give you back.
It wouldn't even be hard... She'd drop the baby over at Mai's mother's house and they would find her later, leaving Azula with plenty of time for an escape. But what if Azula missed her? What if she wanted the warm feeling back?
The girl would grow up to be a princess, just like Azula was. Strong, proud, beautiful and powerful beyond measure... Just like Azula was. All the pressure, the isolation, maybe even the madness... This little girl would have to endure it. But not if she didn't go back. Not if she stayed. Not if Azula could help it. Not if Azula kept her.
The voices stopped around this little girl, and that had to mean something! Maybe it was destiny, maybe it wasn't, but Azula had made her choice. She walked the baby onto the ship leaving the main island. The girl did cry a bit as the ship was leaving harbor, but Azula let her play with her fingers again, squeezing them and pulling them into her mouth and it quieted her down, if only for a little while.
"Your little one is beautiful..." One of the other passengers, an old woman, approached Azula and started making silly faces at the baby. Azula had never been casually engaged in conversation like this. People didn't simply start chit-chatting with the Princess. And later... Well, they didn't line up to speak to a crazy person talking to herself either.
"You are precious, you hear me..." The woman continued and Azula had to fight the urge to try to hide the child from her. The baby was hers.
"She is." Azula made an effort to smile and the baby liked it so much she did it too. How had she ever thought about giving this child away to just anyone? "Thank you."
"What's her name?" the woman asked next.
Azula wasn't prepared for it, but the answer just slipped out naturally.
"Izumi." She'd grown up thinking she would be Fire Lord, and amongst the duties of that position was to further the dynasty. Azula had always expected to have children, several at that, and ever since she was a little girl, she had several names prepared. The planned name for her first-born daughter just slipped out naturally like she didn't even remember she was to be the girl's assassin only hours earlier.
oooooooooo
Azula had been hiding out on a remote and abandoned island in the Fire Nation up until that point. It was just a rock in the middle of the ocean, with a little forest for food and a sandy beach for easy access by rowboat. It had been inhabited once, a decade ago perhaps, Azula knew since there was a run-down cabin right at the edge of the forest, overlooking the beach. She'd been staying there for months and she hadn't bothered to change it in any way, sleeping under the part of the roof where it wasn't leaking and eating only fruit straight from the branches that were reaching through the broken windows into the living room.
Now that she brought baby Izumi there, however, that would no longer work. Over the next few weeks Azula found out that, unlike with everything she tried before, she wasn't instantly good at fixing houses. In fact, she was downright awful at it. In contrast, she found taking care of the child a lot easier to get into, and by her own estimation, she had mastered it within a week. It was all together tiring work, but the voices were quiet and that was all Azula cared about.
By the time Izumi was about a year old, the cabin had become a functioning home for the two of them. Azula wasn't one to admit defeat, so the house was the one to give in first. As for Izumi, she'd grown and changed so much in the months she'd spent with Azula that the woman doubted any of the soldiers Zuko still had searching for his daughter would recognize her even if she was right in front of them. No, not his daughter. Izumi was Azula's daughter now. Not by blood, not completely, but she was. Her brother couldn't protect her, so he didn't deserve her. Not like Azula did.
The two of them still kept away from the villages on the neighboring islands as much as possible, for safety. What Azula didn't know that night she took Izumi was that the warm feeling in her chest came at a price. A sharp and cold feeling, worse than anything she'd ever felt before, every time she'd think about someone taking Izumi away from her. Taking her daughter away from her.
As Azula picked mangoes with Izumi in her arms, she battled with those thoughts again, but no voices. Not anymore. Not ever again. Not as long as she had Izumi. Now she had only one fear, and that was being separated from the child. From her child.
In the beginning she'd thought having a daughter of her own would make her sympathize with her own mother, or at the very least understand her, but feeling like she did, loving her daughter more and more every day Azula could only conclude her mother didn't feel the same way towards her. If she had, she would've never left her like she had. She could never leave Izumi.
The girl was currently nestled into her side, mimicking her by grabbing at mangoes in the same way she did only with no results. She'd been doing that more and more in the recent weeks, mimicking Azula in everything with little to no understanding of the action's purpose, watching her every move with great interest and bewilderment. Azula was sure she didn't know of a better feeling.
"Mom is picking mangoes," Azula said slowly and clearly, then paused hoping Izumi would repeat or try to respond in some way. What followed was still just incoherent babbling, but it was progress since the child had always been very quiet.
"Izumi is picking mangoes." Azula pointed at the girl to help her understand, but suspected she had a much deeper comprehension of what Azula was saying than she let on. "Can you say mango? Izumi? Mom?"
The answer was more babbling, so Azula put down the child and let her walk around the beach. The girl enjoyed roaming around greatly, and there weren't many things on a remote island that could happen to her while she was in Azula's line of sight, so Azula often let her explore, up to a point.
Lost in the thoughts about her mother again, Azula realized the child had been quiet for a few moments too long and turned around, only to find Izumi eating sand.
"No, Izumi." She dropped the mango basket and leapt to pull the toddler's hand out of her mouth. "Look at my face." Azula pointed, then when she had the girl's attention shook her head slowly and obviously. "No."
"No," Izumi repeated successfully, and even shook her head the same way Azula did before.
"That's right." She patted the little girl's head, gave her a smile and walked back to her basket to peel the mangoes. She sat down on the ground in a way that allowed her to glance at Izumi from time to time. Sometimes to make sure she was safe, but sometimes just to enjoy her daughter's face as she discovered the world.
"Ma."
It was Izumi's multipurpose word. The girl wasn't as vocal yet as Azula would've liked, mostly pointing and grabbing at things to relay her messages to the world, but this one word, or rather sound, she used often to get her mother's attention in any situation.
"What is it?" Azula looked up from the fruit.
"Ma." Izumi was standing by the water and pointing at the horizon while furrowing her little brow.
"It's just a storm, Izumi. We have hours before it hits." The toddler did show signs of hearing her, but kept pointing and staring into the distance. "Can you say storm?"
"Ma!"
"There's no reason to be scared, it's just..." Azula trailed off, as she studied the horizon with more attention and realized there was a boat coming towards the island. She instinctively walked to stand near Izumi. The girl lowered her hand and looked up at her mother as if asking Do you get it now?
Taking the storm into account, it was very probable those three men she could see rowing were just fishermen who needed shelter because they got caught out at the wrong time. Yes, it was logical... Azula breathed in deeply and took Izumi into her arms to help herself relax. As the girl snuggled up to her she began believing they would be okay.
The men were sent by Zuko.
"Routine check, Ma'am. Sorry to inconvenience you." Their leader said. "Your island isn't on our maps, found you by pure accident, but we are talking to all parents of girls this age." The large man pointed to where Izumi was hiding behind Azula's leg.
"What's this about? Avatar stuff?" Azula feigned ignorance.
"Afraid nothing so cheerful. We're looking for the kidnapped princess."
"How awful..."
"Yes, it is." He bowed his head. "You'll have to come to the mainland with us for interrogation. We have an earthbending truthseer there who can clear you."
That should be easy. She'd fooled one once already. But what if this time it was different? What if she was different? No, she couldn't risk Izumi like this.
"Certainly." Azula nodded solemnly. "I just have to tell my husband first. He's off hunting in the woods." That's what husbands did, right? "We can wait for him inside." She wanted to make sure to leave the men no time to refuse, so she picked up Izumi and walked to the house.
There she put the child to bed and returned to sit in the living room with the soldiers waiting for someone who not only wasn't coming, but didn't exist.
"Sure is taking a long time..." one of them said, springing Azula's trap. Tears welled up in her eyes.
"Oh, he must have slipped on the cliffs again. I told him to stay away from there! Would you be willing to go look for him with me?"
"In this storm?" the leader asked.
"I can't bear the thought of him alone and possibly hurt out there..."
They agreed in the end. Two of them followed her into the forest, while the leader insisted on staying at the house with Izumi, in case her imaginary father came back on his own. The storm was convenient, as the lightning attacks Azula used to kill the two men didn't draw too much attention. She made quick work of throwing them off the cliffs on the far side of the island and raced back to finish off the last one. This one she killed with his friend's weapon so as not to risk damaging the house with fire or lightning.
As soon as she got the blood off her hands, Azula ran to Izumi's room to pick her up from the crib and soothe her. The man's dying screams had awoken her and she hadn't stopped crying and calling out for her mother since.
"Ma!" The girl was still shrieking even after Azula picked her up, but it didn't matter. Azula had successfully protected her.
"It's just a storm. Shh..." She stroked the girl's hair and a ping of sadness went through her as she remembered her mother trying to do it to her once, before Azula escaped her grip. "No one can hurt you while I'm here. I won't let anyone take you away..."
Izumi calmed with time, and wanted to play again, but Azula had to keep her in her room. There was still a bloody corpse ruining their couch and the child had no business seeing that. To give herself some time, Azula decided to put her back in the crib for the time being, but Izumi sneezed, her eyes still watery from the crying earlier, and in doing so created a small blast of fire from her nose.
Azula was taken aback. In a way, she'd expected it. Zuko was so different from her in many ways, but for better or worse, they did have the same parentage. The same blood that made Azula a firebending prodigy, ran through Izumi's veins. As for Mai, she might not have been born a bender, but she came from an old and respected firebending family. It was no wonder Izumi would grow up to be one too. Problem was, Azula didn't know how to teach firebending any other way than the way she was taught, with constant threats and pain. The way her father tutored her was cruel, but effective. She was raised to be a weapon, precise and deadly. At that her father succeeded.
But Izumi wouldn't have to be a weapon. She wouldn't have to be anything. That was Azula's gift to her daughter, the reason she'd taken her in the first place. That was why Azula would have to find a new way to teach her.
"Ma?" The toddler looked up at her with wide eyes, not really understanding what she just did and what it meant. Azula pushed her hand between two bars of the crib and made a small blue flame in front of Izumi. The child stared at it in wonder for a long moment, then tried to touch it. Azula extinguished it. It became a game. Izumi was laughing and Azula barely remembered there was a dead body to get rid of after this...
When the storm was over, she threw the man's corpse off the cliffs. Then she broke apart their boat and threw the pieces into the sea where she knew they would end up on shore on another island. People would assume the storm caught them. They wouldn't know that would've been a better end.
oooooooooo
"Mama, why is your fire blue?" Izumi suddenly asked while Azula tried to rub shampoo into the five-year-old's long hair, sitting next to her in the shallows.
"What brought this on now?" Azula picked that moment to make sure her daughter's ears were getting cleaned too, which made the girl squirm and giggle.
"I'm just thinking..."
For a long moment Azula considered telling the truth, how it was an accident. Born lucky... That was all there was to it, really. It was probably a genetic anomaly of some kind. A gift from fate, deserved by generations of careful breeding in her family.
"It's because it's hotter."
"My fire isn't blue."
"Well, if you practice a lot maybe when you're big, it will be."
The girl beamed. "Really? You'll teach me, Mom?"
"Of course." Azula was beginning to learn that lying was an important part of being a mother. Knowing what to say and when to say it. The truth was, carrying Zuko's disappointing genes, there was little chance the girl would ever master blue fire. Or be more than a mediocre bender. It was a pity. "Rinse."
At her mother's order the girl took a large breath and dove into the sea. She'd never been afraid of the water so at this age, she was already decent at swimming, as well as diving. If Azula was being honest, it took a lot to scare Izumi. The little girl had the heart of a firebender few wartime generals Azula had met could match.
Izumi eventually resurfaced behind her and attempted to scare her, but they both ended up laughing. Yes, the girl was not scared of anything, and her mother feared only one thing. Azula had grown to love the girl so much, she couldn't even fathom how she'd lived so much of her life without her. Without anyone, really...
"Mama, do I have to?" Izumi asked later, once Azula had combed her wet hair and reached for the scissors.
"It's easier to handle that way, darling." Azula stroked her daughter's head, then placed her fingers to where she planned to cut. "Just this much. That's all."
"But I think it looks pretty this way." Izumi moved her mother's fingers away, then looked at her with pleading eyes, waiting for an answer.
"I suppose we could let it grow out a bit..."
"Yes! Thank you!" Izumi jumped in excitement, then turned towards her mother and studied her with a confused expression.
"What is it, Izumi?"
"Why don't you let out your hair all the time?" The girl put her hands to her hips as she judged her mother's appearance even more closely. Azula had almost forgotten she was drying her hair in the afternoon sun too.
"It goes into my eyes."
"But you're so pretty!" The girl felt the need to throw herself at Azula after that and hug her as tightly as her little arms allowed. "I love you, Mama."
"Because I'm so pretty?" Azula laughed.
"Shh... No, you're supposed to say it back." Izumi whispered.
"I love you too, Izumi. More than you will ever know."
Azula left her hair down. It was a phase, she told herself... Recently, she'd noticed Izumi wanted the two of them to look as similar as possible. The girl would get up, and immediately try to copy Azula's entire outfit as closely as she could, then if she was unable, she would make Azula change into something she could copy. Same with the hair. Azula had kept Izumi's at shoulder length since the girl first grew hair with no complaints, but now all of a sudden Izumi wanted long hair like her mommy.
It was adorable, although impractical.
"Am I old enough for school yet?" Izumi asked just as Azula was finishing up her bedtime story. That was another recent phase. Questions. Hundreds and hundreds of them a day.... Azula didn't mind that as much, though. In her youth, when she used to imagine being Fire Lord and a mother, she didn't imagine bathing her children, dressing them, or feeding them, that was all to be someone else's responsibility, but teaching them about the world, shaping their minds... She'd always looked forward to that.
"Why do you ask?" Azula looked up from the book she'd been reading the girl. "I can teach you to read right now if you're interested."
"I heard some kids talking while you were at the market today."
It was inevitable, leaving Izumi to play with the village kids while Azula went shopping. She was nowhere near old enough to be left alone on the island, and Azula didn't think she'd want to be left alone once she was. The result was Izumi heard about all kinds of things from those kids, and got all kinds of silly notions in her head.
"I think we should give it at least another year," Azula said, knowing full well her father had her reading and doing some basic math at that age already. "When you're ready."
"But then I get to go with the other kids every day?"
Azula was already dreading the day.
"Of course." This seemed to please Izumi, but only for a second.
"I can't go."
"Why, darling?"
"I don't know how to row the boat!"
Azula allowed herself a small chuckle. "You won't have to. I'll take you."
"You will?!"
"Of course." She stroked the girl's hair and smiled. Maybe she'd forget about it in a year?
"Every day? But you hate going to the village, Mama..."
"For you, I'll go." Azula pulled the girl into her until her little head was nestled into her neck. "I'll even find a job somewhere there, so that we'll always be close."
Izumi found all of that exciting, but nevertheless, fell asleep rather quickly. Azula moved to her own bed then and lay awake, dreading the day she had to send her daughter with those other peasants. What if they somehow knew? What if Azula had let something slip in front of Izumi? What if? What if?
One thing was certain, Azula would find a way to always be near and always be watching. No one would take her daughter without a fight.
oooooooooo
This idea came to me while I was thinking about fairytales and how I might connect them to ATLA in some way. This was supposed to be like a Rapunzel retelling in a way, and in the beginning, it was, but the idea changed so much during the creative process that I don't think anyone would make the connection anymore.
I can't believe I actually got myself into the right headspace to post something.
Anyway, there will be two more chapters, three in total. I'll try and post in a few days.
Any and all reviews, thoughts and questions welcome and encouraged :)