[Trigger warning: anxiety attack description]
It's the perfect autumn day.
The sun is shining brightly but the August sweaty hotness is gone. The soft rays are gentle. The sky is the purest blue, adorned by few fluffy, white clouds. Such a day can make anyone's heart warm and content. Not mine, though. It's too busy to shrink and expand in the most disturbing manner.
Today is September 14th, first day of the new semester in the University of Economics, in a seaside town of a small Eastern European Country.
I also hope it's the first day of my new life.
I'm not a freshman. I'm twenty-four. Grabbing the last opportunity, I was offered, to start a normal life, I moved here a month ago.
It was a crazy, desperate decision, but I was out of options. I needed a change, an extreme one at that, and surely got it.
People here do not look like me. Buildings are nothing like home. Even vegetation is not what I'm used to. It feels like an alien planet. It's exciting, but numbingly scary.
I thought this would make me forget the past. I'm not so sure anymore. New places can't change who you are. I doubt that anything exists in this world, that can erase the reason why I flew all the way from Japan to Europe.
I'm fidgeting anxiously in the corner of the big courtyard, in front of the main University building.
It's an impressive, more than a century-old, four-storey piece of art in the spirit of the Western European Baroque. The light blue and green of the walls reflects the sunlight. Big windows, framed in white and golden, cover most of the facade. A sculptural composition of the ancient Greek god Hermes and the goddess of wisdom Athena rises on the pediment above the main entrance. It's beautiful. I gaze at it, but my brain refuses to focus.
The yard is a patchwork of flower gardens, scattered around enormous century-old trees and narrow alleys, winding around them. A nice, ornamented fountain is bickering in the middle.
I can't enjoy it. The only fact that my mind bellows on, is that It's packed with people.
Students are coming from everywhere and moving around in small or bigger groups, chatting, laughing and looking to find their friends or see new faces. The freshmen have their parents with them. Some look confident and smug, others anxious and hesitant.
I'm nothing like any of them, standing out like a white crow in the black flock.
This is their natural place. They are fashionable and neat. Their language sounds extraordinary. I've tried, but I don't think I'll ever be able to pronounce a single word correctly. I don't understand them.
Many look at me and say something to each other. Some are smiling. They seem friendly, but the attention makes me extremely uncomfortable.
There's a huge tree nearby and I rush to hide behind it. Hopefully, Emma will come back soon. I was such a fool to tell her it's ok to leave me alone.
I feel the anxiety rapidly building up in me.
"Breathe, breathe, breathe," I'm chanting, concentrated on the colorful leaves on the ground, but I still hear the chatter and feel the goggling eyes.
I put on my headset and search for some music in my phone to distract me from the bustle around.
'People are just curious. They mean no harm. I'm probably the only Japanese in the whole town,' I try to convince myself. It's useless. I'm more and more self-conscious.
It's not only my facial features, but my style as well, that differs from everybody else's.
The pink streaks of my bleached hair, too long and messy for the local fashion, are like a paint splotch in the sea of chestnut and brown.
The baggy pants, plaid in pink and green and the loose, white sweatshirt with a big, blood red heart on the front, are nothing similar to the stylish outfits on display.
The bright red sneakers and my favorite Totoro* backpack only attract more stares.
I should've made some research on what is common here. Why didn't Emma tell me to change this morning? She could've mentioned that people do not dress like this.
I close my eyes to shutter myself completely from my surroundings.
Too late!
I can literally feel the adrenalin rushing in my blood. My hands are shaking. I don't hear the music anymore. It's only loud tingle in my ears. I'm sweating hard. My breath starts to hitch.
'No, no, no, it's ok. I'm ok. I'm not in danger,' I repeat insistently what my therapist has taught me. It doesn't work.
This is not good. My head is spinning. I feel weak. My legs are like jelly. I slide to the ground with my back to the tree and try to put my head between my knees.
I know it's an anxiety attack. I've had them before. There's a routine what to do if it happens. Deep, slow breaths are essential. Imagining nice, soothing things is important too. I can do none of these, despite my thorough attempts.
My heart is racing. My throat is dry. I need water, but I don't have the strength to search for the bottle in my backpack. I can't calm down. It's getting worse.
I start to freak out that I'm having a heart attack. It's clear this is unlikely, but it's the panic speaking. I fear I'll die of suffocation too. Breathing gets harder and harder. Tears fill my eyes and my vision gets blurry.
Where's Emma?
I need somebody to help me.
Suddenly, just before I sink into utter despair, someone's warm, smooth hands cup my cheeks.
___________________________________
* A character from Japanese anime movie
A/N
Hello everyone who made it through the first chapter.
It's a heavy one, I know, but I promise the mood will soon lighten.
I really want to know what you think of our protagonist Sunny.
What are your first impressions?
Share your thoughts, ask questions and criticize, if you feel like.
And don't forget to vote, if you enjoyed.
Thank you! ❤❤❤
Love: Anny