The bus ride to The Hub is awkward. I usually cannot ride due to being factionless but I was spared the long walk today because it is the day... the day of the choosing ceremony. Practically the last day I'd see any of my family for years to come. That thought hurts my heart, but I'm distracted by other factions getting on the bus. I'm glad I chose to stand and lower the chances of a Candor or Erudite talking down at me.
My backpack feels heavy with the memories of my life before today. Inside I have clothing and gifts from my family. A sweater from my ma, a letter from baba, a story and doll from Ada, Tammi's favorite jacket, a pocket knife from David, and my aunts gave me notebooks and things to write with... I suppose they knew I'd be overthinking everything.
Even though Tamino didn't seem to have completely forgiven me when he hugged me goodbye, I try to think that he was going to be okay soon. I think I would rather have him fine without me than angry and bitter... even if I want them to miss me, it's better they don't.
The ache in my nail beds agrees with that thought. My stingy brain leads to nail-biting and pain that could last days. I squeeze the handle harder as the bus rounds a corner sharply. I wish I could just get this day over with, finish initiation, make it into Dauntless, and live my life... but everything seems to be going so slowly.
With each stop, the bus gets more and more congested with people. I feel so out of place in my clothing. Each piece is from a different type of faction... a grey Abnegation shirt, black Dauntless jacket, Candor slacks, and standard Amity shoes... I look like a mosaic of all the factions. And I can't forget the fact that I seem to be the only Muslim on the bus... sweat trickles down the back of my neck and I take a deep breath in.
I can hear everyone's conversations, it's nerve-wracking... the Candor kids that are my age talk loudly and with confidence. I see a pair of Erudite reading with glasses (that are probably fake). A familiar face among the crowd makes me suppress a scowl, the Prior family has been around my whole life.
Feeding and clothing the Fractured when it suits them. They're not the only offenders, Abnegation as a whole are frauds. The daughter looks my way and I notice how nervous she looks, I have a feeling she's going to do something. (I can't guess what but she looks like she's going to vomit.) They're all standing like I am, they gave up their seats to be selfless when they could have stood from the get-go...
I look away from the girl and instead focus my attention on the scenery as we pass it. The closer to the hub we get, the taller the city feels. Fewer trees litter my view as it becomes a concrete palace. I lean so I can see the top of the hub and its fork-like prongs... my eyes strain as I do so but I don't mind.
Before I know it, the bus has rolled to a stop and everyone (except the Abnegation) piles off to get with their factions. I wonder where I'm supposed to go? Do I wait for everyone to go inside before me? Or do I try (and fail) to blend in with the crowd? I sigh to myself and begin to exit the bus, the Prior family behind me. I can almost feel their eyes on my back.
"Would you like to walk with us?" A woman-- Mrs. Prior --asks me. I tense up at the offer. It would be easier to go with them and the rest of the Abnegation but I can't stand them.
"Um, no thanks," I say before walking toward the hub. No one will care if I just walk in, right? Too bad I don't know how to get around, I twist around toward the family again, "Actually can I? I've never been here before?" My fake tone feels natural and it scares me.
The father, Arthur, I think his name is, nods. "Of course, come on, we'll show you the way."
I stand beside the daughter and she just nods at me. The Abnegation take the stairs all the way up to the auditorium. Everyone walks in sync it seems... everyone but me. My boots clap on the ground during the beat of silence between their steps. It makes my cheeks burn as I sense eyes on me. Well, of course, they're looking at me, they can't think of themselves so they look at me, the weirdo!
I count 20 flights before we make it to the auditorium, my legs burn but definitely not as bad as they would have had David not made me run at least three miles every day. My chest burns as my throat runs dry, I want to ask if there is a water fountain, but the mass of grey makes me choke on my words.
Once we make it inside, the girl points toward where we go. "You just wait in line beside the person with the same letter as your last name," Her brother says with a smile. I cringe inside, I don't have a last name... just two first names.
"I don't have one?"
He looks startled, "You don't have a last name? That's weird." I find his wording to be off, Abnegation never talk like that. I sense curiosity in his tone.
"My parents never gave me one," I explain with a shrug as I jump out of the way of the Dauntless pouring in like maniacs.
"Maybe stand at the end of the line? Or wait in an empty seat?" He suggests and I just nod in agreement, Candace never explained what to do so I'll listen to him. I wait for everyone to get into line and stand behind the last person. For once I'm thankful they're Abnegation because they just nod respectfully and turn around as the ceremony begins.
—
The closer I get to the front of the line, the more eyes I feel on me. I can almost hear the confusion amongst everyone as I step toward the bowls and Abnegation leader, Marcus Eaton. When the Prior boy–Caleb–is called, he chooses Erudite; just as I suspected. The Abnegation are loud for the first time today, they are pissed.
The Erudite, however... They look very pleased. Next is his sister, Beatrice, hearing her name reminds me of all the times I've seen her giving things out with her mothers. It sickens me to think about the performative nature of Abnegation. They're not selfless, they're selfish people in disguise. And they think they're hiding it well, but they're not.
She chooses Dauntless and even I am confused. Beatrice is tiny, how in the world is she going to last a day in Dauntless? I'm not saying that I'd do any better, but she's going to be smashed like a goddamn bug.
The line dwindles down to only me quicker than I wanted... I hated how slow the day began and now it feels like I'm being thrown into my choice. I know what I'm going to choose, why the hell am I so nervous?
My grip on my backpack straps is tight, surely my knuckles are white. Marcus Eaton calls the crowd to a hush when they all realize I'm not one of them.
"Now, I understand some of you are confused–and rightfully so," I roll my eyes as discreetly as possible. Can he please just explain and then let me choose? "Under the guidance of myself and the other faction leaders, we decided to start a program that will give young and promising Factionless children a chance to live a normal life."
He smiles at the crowd then at me, I want to run away from everything... Marcus' eyes gleam darkly and it makes my skin crawl. "Our last 16-year-old to choose a faction is Miss Rita Rose, she has been raised as a member of the Factionless her entire life but due to certain circumstances, she's been offered to join a faction of her choosing."
Someone asks why despite him telling everyone to be quiet, I expect him to look angry and yet he doesn't. "Some of our children may recognize her, Rita's been working as a tutor for struggling students for about a year now and her intellect is far beyond expected for a Factionless teen. And due to her family's good reputation–" By that he means, we don't cause any trouble "–she was the top candidate for picking."
"Since this is the first year, we only chose Rita, she will enter the faction of her choice and hopefully make it through initiation and be the first Factionless turned Factioned. Rita Rose, please step forward."
I follow his order and take each step carefully, if I fall now I'll die on the spot. My breath catches in my throat when I see how red the water is, if it were a bit thicker, I'd believe it to be purely blood. I ignore the grey stones, the glass, the water, and the dirt. My eyes are on the burning coals. Dauntless, brave, stupid adrenaline junkies.
I shake the thought from my head and meet Marcus Eaton's eyes one last time as he's handing me the knife. "Choose wisely, Rita Rose." His words feel heavy in my mind as I try to figure out what he means. My first thought is "Don't pick Abnegation" which I have no problem following.
My feet feel cemented to the ground as I hold the knife in my hand tightly. I won't make a deep cut, just a small one; nothing that will hurt too badly. After one deep breath, I finally step toward the bowl of hot coals. I'm thankful for the quiet inside the auditorium, my thumping heart is all I can hear as I cut a small line into the meat of my hand across from my thumb.
It burns and I wince in pain. Everything moves so incredibly slowly as I glance toward the crowd; all eyes are on me and I feel stupid to even think I could choose Dauntless. But my hand moves above the bowl before I can stop it. I hear my blood sizzle loudly as countless members of Dauntless shout. Instead of euphoria or triumph, I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, what have I done?