Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
Present
My mom told me that it was 8 pm. I had just walked into the kitchen. I got some food and left.
I walk in 30 minutes later and my dad is in there. Hey dad. we sit there and talk while I drink sparkling grape juice out of a wine glass like the extra bitch I am. we talk for a bit, listen to music, and then me, my sister, my younger sibling, and my dad started playing life; all while I was making jokes about being in debt. It was fun. I did a toast to the words "fuck 2020"
Then they went to bed. I was alone again, like usual so I started to listen to music like I always do. My mind started to wonder- Like I hate. I thought about her.
Yes- I know this is the second time I used this song. I like it ok-
I started to think about her more and more, Why was it me she chose. Why not Eddie or just someone that was as kind as she was. Why do they like me?
That question caught me off guard. Why was it one of the the four? I was always kind of popular, But why. Heck in kindergarten I had A kid that would follow me around all the time- Kind of Ironic. Then there was 1st g-grade, the year it happened He knew that he was the one I was attached to. He knew what would happen to me if he left. He did this to me, I think that he is the reason that I am like this. The single reason that every second that I am away from my friends I am scared. Not just of being alone- but offing myself. I am scared that nobody will be here to stop me. I am scared of myself.
I Got up noticing that it was like 4 am. I went to the living room and played on my dads laptop. That would keep me occupied. Maybe when school starts I will talk to my guidance counselor again. Let's just hope that selective mutism doesn't get the best of me- like it usually does. Let's try to be a badass tomorrow, I said like I do like almost every night. Let's hope that it will actually happen for once. I woke up in a gay mood therefore feeling like a badass.
This is a screenshot from a group chat that i'm in that occurred at like 6 am
I have decided that gay moods are the most fun. Also still not knowing my gender is an absolute struggle. Like why can't I wake up and be like ok i feel like _____ now, It is the hardest thing to fucking figure out. Myself can't figure out what Myself is. I have decided that my New Year's resolution is to live, longer than I think I will. It will be hard, but I know that I can do it. Fake optimism. I do it all the time, sometimes I manage to convince myself. They make me feel happy but I can't convince myself that they do. I can't convince myself that nothing's wrong. Why do I feel this way. Another one of those questions that I can't find myself actually answering. Maybe I will, maybe I'm the main character and this is just foreshadowing and The plot line of this story is fucked up. But hey if I am the main character might as well have some fun with it. I'm going to make a happy playlist and go dance now.
No you made a book where you where the main character (639 words) completed 1/3/2021