The climb to the top of the treehouse has been hell for me. My legs was hurting so bad that I thought it was going to detach from my body halfway through but I was so determined to reach the top. I needed these answers, I was craving them so badly. A part of me was almost at my reach I couldn't let go.
Once on top, Rosé had prepared a chair for me I immediately sat on it, sighing heavily and abudantly sweating. I stretched my leg, trying to massage it through the fabric of my pants. This damn leg. Rosé kneeled in front of me with a really concerned expression on her face.
"Can I?" she asked, hands hanging in the air waiting for my permission.
I had no idea what she wanted to do but I nodded anyway, the pain was too much and at this point, I was in hope of a miracle. Also, I knew she wouldn't hurt me. I felt strangely safe when I was near Rosé and I somehow completely trusted her. I couldn't her but maybe my instincts did and that's why I felt this way.
Delicately, she put one hand on my knee and the other on my calf massaging it carefully. I closed my eyes, exhaling longly.
"Am I hurting you?" she asked softly, stopping what she was doing.
I shook my head, hands gripping the sides of the chair for support. Please, don't stop.
"No... it act... actually feels better."
"Good... good." she whispered resuming the massage. "I read a lot of things on your injuries."
My eyes snapped open, I looked at her however she was focused on my leg. "I also did a lot of research on how to help with it. I watched videos on massage techniques and all. It doesn't seem like it but massages are actually really technical..."
Who was this girl? Seriously?
What did the old me do to deserve her?
Every time I interacted with her I got awestruck by her kind soul. She really seemed too good to be true. Every time I came in contact with her it felt like I was still in the coma and she was the guardian angel helping me to get out. She was an awkward angel but she was still an angel.
I pinched myself. No, everything was real.
I kept staring at her, taking some time to examine the sweet girl in front of me. She had a concentrated look on her face, her brows were slightly furrowed just enough the show the crease in between them. Her glasses were falling a little on the bridge of her nose but she didn't seem to care, too focused on the task at hand.
So many questions were burning my lips that I just couldn't keep quiet anymore. I had waited so long, I needed to know even if I didn't want to break the peaceful moment.
"Rosé?"
She looked up at me with the most innocent expression on her face and my heart skipped a beat. Was it what love felt like? Was it what 'old me' felt like when she was with Rosé?
"Yeah?" she softly asked back, stopping the massage she was giving me and just like that I couldn't stop myself.
"How di... did we met? Did we me... met thr... through school? How did thin... things change? How did we..."
The questions kept coming out of my mouth one by one without me being able to stop them. Rosé brows were now raised so high that it was almost comical. She seemed shocked by my sudden outburst but I was too. She gestured her hands around to signal me to stop.
"Hey... hey... stop... stop."
I closed my mouth at once, shocked by my own behavior and let out a heavy sigh.
Damn, it felt good to say all of this but at the same time, it felt kind of insane.
"Wow." Rosé laughed. "You would be a good rapper."
I chuckled at that knowing fully well that my stuttering was awful but she didn't choose to focus on it which I was grateful. She smiled back brightly woth so much affection in her eyes that I wonder if it was because I laughed at her joke?
"I'll tell you everything from the very start to now. Is it good with you?" she asked while taking the other chair in the room and sitting on it.
"Yeah." I answered, looking around with curiosity. I hadn't really look around when I got up, too focused on my leg.
The space was simple, it was a square room with two windows, one of them was open. I didn't remember if it was like that when we got up. There was a small table in a corner with snacks and drinks on it, a few blankets were lying on the floor as well as a pillow. I wondered how many times I laid there with Rosé? I tried to force my mind to remember, I look at everything trying to trigger something in my brain but with no luck again. I should stop expecting something to happen at this point.
"Are you ready?"
I turned my attention back to Rosé who was looking quite nervous now, she had started to play with her sleeves again. I simply nodded because I could tell it was going to be a lot for the both of us .
"Don't hesitate to interrupt me, ok? I know it might be overwhelming."
I nodded, swallowing heavily and trying to control my breathing that started to accelerate. My hands started gripping the edge on the chair more forcefully in anticipation. There was no going back now but at the same time, I could finally learn the truth. I needed to brace myself for everything.
"We met in middle school but didn't really get to know each other, we were in different classes. Once we were in high school we had some classes together but didn't really acknowledge each other. It was when I was outed that you noticed me." she sighed, her hand had grabbed the edge of the chair too but so tightly that her knuckles turned white. I could feel her pain through her voice and that fact alone suddenly made me angry. I wanted to bring misery to all the people that ever hurt her but then my thoughts stopped. I was part of her misery too. I saw first hand how Joy brought hell on Rosé just for looking in her direction or my direction. I read about the wet clothes incident, the girls haven't talked about what we used to do to her but I was their friend so it was easy to assume I took part in the bullying too. However, with that I read in the diary it was like I was against it. I sighed, what kind of asshole was I?
"Did I bully you too?"
Rosé rose her head toward me, examining me for a but before the corner of her lips upward. She shook her head, chuckling like she remembered something.
"Not really."
I got confused. Did I or did I not?
"What do y... you mean 'not really'?"
"After I was outed, everyone started to treat me like a freak, people either avoided me or bullied me."
She talked about it with such easiness, like it was nothing when in reality it eas brutal. I could easily imagine how violent people could be. She must have gone through hell.
"In whi... which category was I in?"
She chuckled like it was some stupid question.
"It's more complicated than that." I didn't understand what she could possibly mean by that but she continued almost immediately. "At first, I thought you were one of the bullies and then one of the quiet ones but it wasn't true. Your friends were part of my bullies but you... you never did anything directly to me."
"Bu... but I didn't do any... thing against it either?" I got angry at myself, so mad at the 'old me' to have done nothing. I disgusted myself. How could have I been like that? I was supposed to love her for Christ's sake.
"Jennie, stop hitting yourself mentally, ok? You couldn't do anything. If you did, they would have targeted you too. And... let mt finish before you judge yourself."
I looked at her again. How could she have been in love with me when I was part of her misery?
"I don't know what happened but something changed in you after that. I didn't see it at first because I was too busy avoiding everyone but I noticed it after you landed me some clothes."
Wait, the wet clothes incident? The one that started the diary?
She smiled at herself, probably replaying the memory in her head. I whished I could connect some wires to her brain and see it from myself. Oh, how easier it would be.
"You weren't as horrible as I thought you would be. We actually became quick friends and then..."
She paused as if unsure of what to say or if it was appropriate but I knew where it was leading toward.
"And then... lovers?"
"Yeah." she whispered, swallowing heavily as her jaw clenched but as fast as it came it disappeared, she smiled again. "We became closer and closer until... you kissed me."
"I kissed you?"
Wow, did I really? That was bold, I must have been really in love with her to risk it all. Damn, old Jennie.
"Right here." she nodded, gesturing around fondly.
"Th... this place is really special, uh?"
"It..."
Rosé didn't have the time to answer as my phone suddenly rang, startling the both of us. I got it out of my pocket and my eyes widened as I read the name of the caller: Mom. I looked at Rosé who gestured for me to pick up silently.
Shit. What was I going to say to her?