･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.
･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.
"What? I don't get it, why can he put that there?" Johanna began once more, pointing to the red seven. "I wanted to do that but I couldn't."
Odette chuckled as Miles groaned. They'd explained the rules over four times now and hadn't even finished one round. "He has a red seven on a black six, you can't put black on black or red on red."
"Why not?" She scanned her cards, putting them down. "You know what, forget it. How did you teach him this fast?"
Odette looked at her nephew, whose eyebrows were raised. She had her feet stuck under the blanket, her legs had begun to get chilly. Why had she insisted on wearing a short and pretty dress anyway? "It's been our thing for years," Miles hesitantly put his cards down as well, the backside up. "Late nights playing cards until we fell asleep or the electricity decided to give up for the night."
She hadn't told Johanna they were related, hadn't thought she'd care at all, but Odette's cheeks grew hot when Johanna glanced between the two. "You know each other?"
Miles looked at her too, surprise on his face before he shook his head with a faint smile. Odette dug her teeth in her lip before nodding. "Yeah," it came out more awkward than she'd intended. "He's my nephew."
It was then she realized she hadn't wanted to tell her or anyone for that matter. Odette didn't want pity or long stares or anything at all. It was her problem to deal with, and she was actively ignoring it. She didn't need the reminders. "Oh," Johanna said, suddenly sitting a bit taller. Odette didn't look at her. Or at Miles. She held the cards tight, studying them. It was selfish of her. How could she even make this about her? "You didn't tell me."
"Didn't think you'd care," the answer came instantly, regret soon after. There was no snap back, Odette suspected that had more to do with an awkward-looking Miles than with Johanna holding back. "Right, I'm sorry Miles. You must be tired, why don't you go back to your room."
She stood quickly, pushing the loose strands of hair back from her face. The last thing Miles needed was to be involved in her drama. She needed to focus on getting him out of the arena alive. "Alright," he collected the cards, pushing himself off the bed. "Goodnight."
Odette pulled him in for a hug, some of her anxieties falling off her shoulders when he hugged her back. She kissed his temple before she let go and the boy walked out of the room.
The moment the door closed the silence was loud, even though there was no complete silence. Odette still stood with her back to Johanna, footsteps were still heard in the hallway and very faintly she could hear Cecelia and Neil laughing.
Letting it slide wasn't an option, it seemed, though she didn't know why they couldn't. There were plenty of things they never talked about, how was this any different? She knew why. Without really meaning to, she'd wanted to keep it a secret. Wanted no one to know, because in the Capitol, everything could be a weakness. Anything could be used against her.
Not that that was needed, the death of her family was pressure enough, but at some point that might run out. She didn't like to think about it, but all it took was one misstep. "Why didn't you tell me?" Odette took a deep breath before she turned around, bracing herself for what was meant to turn out rough.
"I told you," she shrugged, wrapping one hand around her arm. "I didn't think you'd care."
"Seriously?" Johanna perched up straighter in the bed, a short laugh leaving her. "You talk about everything."
Did she really think that? Did she think she knew all her secrets, the thoughts that kept her up at night? "You'd be surprised. I don't know what to tell you, but you're not exactly inviting to tell whatever to."
She was getting annoyed. There was only so much she could ignore, and Johanna always knew how to press the right buttons. She groaned, throwing her head back. "Alright, here we go again."
Somehow, that only made her angrier. She dropped her hand, taking a step towards the bed, shins almost pressed against the soft edge. "You don't get to act like that! Like I owe you anything while you can't even answer the phone," it always ended up there, somehow. Johanna looked like she'd been expecting it. "You can't convince me you're never home when I call."
Johanna glanced at her hands, more casual than ashamed. "I am," she looked back at Odette, the lack of anything on her face agitating. "I do listen."
"Then why don't you answer?" She dropped back on the bed. She was tired of trying to get an explanation from her. Couldn't she just let it be? "I can't even count how often I've begged you to just talk to me! Did it ever occur to you that not everyone is fine without anyone around?"
Her jaw set, she wrapped her arms around herself. "Has it ever occurred to you that I don't want to fucking talk to you or listen to your crying every fucking day?" Odette was surprised by the anger in her voice. Johanna had never been mad at her before.
What hurt more than the anger were her words. She could handle her anger, could handle her insults. This was something else entirely. "So I'm a burden now," perhaps it had been foolish to believe they actually had a connection, even if it was just a few weeks a year.
"Those are your words," but she wasn't denying them. Odette frowned, turning her eyes to the ground.
She was a burden? She was something inconvenient that kept coming back? She didn't believe it, or perhaps she didn't want to. Hadn't they shared secrets and hardships and comfort? Maybe Johanna just needed to pass the time. "But I am, aren't I?" She needed to know that she was not. "I'm bothering you in your depressing, sulking, alone time?"
"You have no idea what my life is like,"
Odette had a strong guess. She'd seen people like her before, and perhaps she was more like Johanna than the latter wanted to admit. In the eyes of many, she'd always be a Capitol whore. Even so, reading that part of her was easy. "Are you kidding me? I can see it all over you."
She was surprised by the challenge she saw in her eyes when Johanna snapped her head back and asked: "Then what do you see, Odette?"
Her first thought was how much she loved hearing her say her name. She didn't say it enough. The second one was shame for the first one. "You're tired and quite frankly not always easy to be around," she looked away, even when she was being called a burden she couldn't bring herself to be mean to her. "But you're strong and I can't imagine what you've been through."
There was a mild scoff and a dip in the bed. Johanna had leaned back on her palms, as if the conversation had cost nothing of her, and perhaps it hadn't. She found trouble everywhere after all. "Surprisingly accurate."
And just like that, there was nothing more to add. Johanna had decided it was over, and could she blame her? She didn't want to fight, they hadn't met up to argue, no matter how much Odette thought she deserved an answer. It was clear she wasn't getting one. She sighed, closing her eyes.
She knew she shouldn't take it personally. She's had a hard day, Odette told herself. At one point, that wasn't going to be enough anymore. But it was enough now, she wasn't ready to give whatever they had going on up yet. She needed it, needed something good and gentle and nice. Especially once the games started. "Okay," she said at last, standing once more. "Okay, I'm going to freshen up. There are biscuits in the top drawer if you're hungry."
The bathroom felt like an escape for a moment. A breather. With her hair still up, she stepped under the water, washing her body with a scent called 'fruits'. In less than five minutes she was dry again, standing in front of the mirror in her nightgown, brushing her hair.
Already, she was forgetting the argument. Perhaps forcefully so, she knew she simply didn't want it to exist. Odette just needed to relax and take her mind off things, and hadn't she promised Johanna the exact same thing? It had been foolish to believe she really mattered to Johanna, and she felt guilty for letting it hurt her.
A few moments of gentle vulnerability or sweet words whispered in the dark did not inherently mean anything. Didn't she put up a show almost every day?
Odette stared at herself in the mirror, the purple nightgown made her look sickly pale, even though the bathroom was warm. Her hair was long and slightly curled, she never left her room with undone hair and had been forced to curl in when she realized she'd forgotten her hair clip. Over the years she'd come to despise what her hair stood for. A symbol the Capitol liked to use, something she would have shed years ago had it not been a form of protection as well.
She meant to keep her hair so beautiful and soft, so sleeping with it up wasn't an option. If only she'd learned how to braid her hair, but her childhood hadn't allowed time for things like that.
Pulling herself from her thoughts, she left the bathroom. Johanna had helped herself to the biscuits, sitting on the bed as if she had no care in the world. Her words still echoed in the back of her mind, but they were kinder than the words her own mind whispered to her. They were kinder than the worries that would keep her up all night.
"You can stay if you'd like," Odette stepped from where she'd been frozen, moving to close the drawer. She had promised, after all. "I'd like it if you did."
The crunch of the cookie stopped for a moment, Odette still had her back turned to her, clutching the handles of the drawer. She wasn't sure if she'd lied. "Alright," Johanna wiped her hands on her pants, at least Odette hoped it wasn't on her sheets. "Why don't you offer me a drink?"
Her tone was teasing, as if they hadn't had an argument. Perhaps Johanna didn't see it as such. Odette turned around, an apologetic smile on her face. It never was just a drink. "I don't have any."
Johanna chuckled, standing from the bed. "Don't lie to me," still teasing, she walked to the low table that held water and four glasses. "I saw your pink bubbles and whisky."
"Snooping through my closet now?" She hoped her short laugh didn't sound nervous. For once, she should put her foot down, if only for a night. She didn't want to be alone but she was still hurt, even if she didn't want to admit it. "What do you want?"
She'd never been good at saying no, the bigger part of her didn't want to say no. Tomorrow she'd have forgiven her anyway, she could speed that up, she found. They both needed something and that's what it has always been. It's not enough, but she would take it anyway.
When she glanced over her shoulder, she found Johanna with what might have been a relieved smile, or maybe that's just what she wanted to see. Something she could take as an apology. "Surprise me," she walked over towards Odette with two glasses, and Odette grabbed the chance. This was enough for her. Enough to forget the hurt, enough to forgive. She'd learned not to expect more from Johanna, she still had to learn how to give her less in return.
***
No matter how hard the girl ran, how much she begged her feet to move faster, the ruin remained the same distance. What had once been hope was taunting her, laughing at her. She knew what came next, but her feet being pulled from under her still surprised her. A large hand grabbed her hair, hauling her up again. He was speaking, but all Odette could see was the rope in his hand. Thin, strong, long.
The rope was around her neck then, his hand still gripping her hair. No matter how much she turned, she didn't see his face. And then she was choking. The boy was laughing and she couldn't breathe. She was struggling, but her feet were off the ground and she'd never been very strong.
The ground was hurling back to her, the fall bigger than it should have been. She seemed to be falling for minutes, gasping for breath as her knees hit the soft dirt, her fingers trembling as she tried to pull the rope from her neck. She heard Manila, and when she looked up she saw the small girl under the blonde boy. He seemed impossibly big. He was still laughing, his hands around Manila's throat.
Somehow she got up on her feet and started walking towards them. She didn't know when she'd found a knife, but suddenly its presence was comforting. The rope dragged behind her, a strangled sound left Manila, and then her knife was in the boys head. She was angry and frightened and it wasn't enough. She pulled it back, stabbing him again.
He fell off Manila, he was young and his blood kept coming, rushing over Odette's feet, sprouting from the knife. "Thank you," Manila was beside her, hand shaped bruises on her neck. For the briefest moment, she was relieved. She was safe there, the boy dead, Manila alive and with her.
Then her smile turned into a frown, Manila's hands were now around Odette's throat. She couldn't breathe, she was struggling against her friend's hands. The knife was gone, the boys blood kept rising and rising, soaking her hair, soon coming over her face.
She moved, squirming under the girl. Then the girl was screaming and blood flooded Odette's mouth. She pushed Manila off her, she was grasping her hand, now missing her pinky. The boys blood reached her waist now as Manila lunged at her again. She still tasted her blood on her tongue.
Odette struggled to keep floating in the blood, it was in her nose, her mouth, her eyes her ears. Was there a point in fighting? Darkness was all there was.
She was flailing her arms, trying to come up for air. Darkness was not all there was. A faint light from her left, the shape of a cabinet. Was this real? She could breathe again. It was cold.
"Odette?" There was a hand on her shoulder, Manila was back. She pushed herself away, her legs not moving like she wanted them to. Was she bound again? Was the rope back?
"No!" she fell from something, the fall soft. Her hands were shaking, she looked for Manila, but the room remained dark. Her hands touched something soft. There was no Manila, she'd made sure of that, she'd caused that. She looked down, finding light purple covers around her legs instead of rope. She was sitting on the ground.
At last, tears broke free. Odette brought her hands to her face, pulling her knees up as much as she could through the covers. She wondered if the nightmares ever stopped feeling so real. They were mere fragments of what had happened, but the fear still ran through her, paralyzing her. Was this the price she had to pay for surviving? Seeing the death and destruction she caused and escaped over and over?
"Hey," she wasn't alone but she wished she was. It was embarrassing, this wasn't who she tried to be. This wasn't... "You're okay."
She wasn't, but at least she could breathe, at least she wasn't dying. Johanna's movements were soft, she stayed at a small distance, waiting. For what? For Odette to pull herself together and pretended this wasn't a part of her life again? She knew she could do it, she did so almost every night. "I'm sorry," her voice sounded strange. A far echo from the woman she pretended to be and even further away from the girl she had once been. "I didn't mean to wake you, you were finally sleeping."
She rested her chin on her knees, her breath shaky, running her hands through her hair, keeping them there to still the trembling. To at least hide it.
Her eyes were adapting to the faint light, she saw the shape of Johanna, her hair a bit longer on one side than the other, an accident that charmed her. When she moved a bit closer she saw the shape of her smile. She hoped that was it, at least. "Don't worry about that," she sounded gentle, different than normal. "You can wake me up anytime."
Odette sniffed, nodding once, letting her hands drop from her hair. They were still shaking. "Let's get back," she couldn't keep sitting there struggling to breathe on the hard floor. She didn't know what she needed, but certainly not Johanna looming over her. She pushed the blanket off her legs, but they were tangled and she grew frustrated quickly as she began to kick them off further. Her hands dipped back in her hair, exhaling shakingly as fresh tears brimmed her eyes. "Fuck."
Then the duvet was lifted off her and the ground. The cold was welcome, it grounded her. "I don't think I've ever heard you swear," arms full of blanket, Johanna moved to the end of the bed, putting it back on with more calmth than she could have. "Not like that, anyway."
Despite everything, Odette dragged her hands back down to her neck and chuckled almost breathlessly. "A first time for everything," her legs were more stable than she'd expected when she pushed herself up against the edge of the bed. "Thank you."
She sank back on the bed, the mattress soft, the fabric silky against her legs. No hardness of forest floor, no wet blood. Not even the taste of it remained now. Her chest felt less tight, air flew in better again. Johanna said nothing, sat down on her side of the bed awaiting Odette's next move.
This was foreign to her. Nightmares plagued her almost every night, but rarely that intense. She woke up in silence, had never woke Johanna up like that. Did she want to be comforted? A part of her would always long for that, but she'd never ask or expect it. She was more surprised to find that she just wanted to forget it. At least for the moment.
Odette lay down and pulled the duvet over her as she took in a last deep breath. She was okay, and for now, that was enough.
"Does this happen often?" Johanna was never quiet, and even her whisper disturbed the gentle calm Odette needed. The one time she didn't want to talk, Johanna found the words.
Turning to face her, she shrugged, hoping it was visible. It happened often enough. "Do you have nightmares often?" There was a small smile, she tugged the covers higher up before she nodded. Odette didn't want to talk about bad things, though. "What do you dream of?"
There was an exaggerated sigh, Odette could almost see her roll her eyes. "You know, the usual. The games, my-"
"I know," Odette said. "I meant the good dreams."
Johanna laughed humorlessly. "There aren't any," normally, she would have probably left it at that, but perhaps she still felt guilty, or perhaps it was just pity. "Do you?"
"Sometimes," Odette took in a breath, thinking back of the good nights. "My dad's still alive, we're all happy. My mom is smiling and my uncle is holding up a small Miles. It's all becoming blurry, though."
There were more good ones, her and Miles in a field full of flowers, her mother being... normal again, dreams where she still had friends in eight, and every now and then she dreamt about Johanna. Those might be her favorite, they certainly were the most realistic ones. They hurt the least. It wasn't longing for something that had once been, but perhaps it was silly to think that might be in the future, but sometimes, she liked to entertain herself.
"Sounds boring for good dreams,"
"Oh really?" Odette chuckled. "Then what would you dream?"
She pretended to think for a moment. "I have wings and can shoot flames out of my eyes," Johanna said seriously. "Maybe laser eyes, or maybe I'm three times as tall."
Odette giggled, pushing the other woman's shoulder. "That does sound fun, you wouldn't fit in any house, though."
"I'll make my own. Of steel so I don't burn it down." Odette could see a smile on Johanna's face too as her own giggled died out and she shook her head.
Everything else was forgotten. The hurtful words, the nightmare. They were just having a silly conversation in the middle of the night. This was how it could be. Almost okay and livable. When Johanna was around, life simply was easier. It was better. For that, she owed her.
･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.
(a/n): yes this will be like the only indicator of what happened in odette's games :) also i start my internship next week which means I'm going to travel a whooping 4 hours every Friday, so updates might be pushed back to Saturday so i will remain sane.