Bulbul:
I was sitting on the couch in the living room of Mehra Bari, my surroundings were eerily quiet. Alia di sat next to me, holding my shoulder gently, while 'mumma' sat on the sofa opposite, looking lost and dazed. Di stood between us near the coffee table, arms locked into her chest, not a shred of tear in her eyes, not a hint of guilt; beside her stood Abhi, the man I was about to get married to today; under ordinary circumstances, we were scheduled to start 'Haldi' ceremony in another hour, but now that seems like a distant dream. I looked up wiping the tears with the back of my palm to notice Suresh there too, he looked just as shocked as the rest of us; but I was done crying, I had a few questions to ask – not to Di; not anymore to her – she was no one to me. Not anymore, anyway. In fact why am I not surprised, isn't she exactly capable of just this? That woman didn't know happiness, and didn't let an iota of happiness spread where she set her foot. Today I had questions for my very dear mother. I wanted answers from her. I looked straight at her asked, calmly.
"Mumma, so what do we do now? Get Pragya to leave Suresh and get her married to Abhi instead?"
"Wha—t? What are you sayi—ng Mish betaji; have you any idea what you jus—" my mother stammered in shock and incomprehension; my statement earned a gasp from Alia di too, but I didn't care.Pragya's head shot up at me, but she didn't say anything, she looked visibly irked, I wondered was it because of my suggestion or for the fact that for the first time in my life, I called her by her name; she wasn't Di anymore, I didn't respect her anymore, she was just another characterless woman from the heap of rubbish you find in the roadside.
"That is, provided Pragya wants to marry Abhi of course. I mean marriage is after all a high price to pay for her frivolity, nah? Maybe she just wants a 'fuck buddy'? Then we let her have it that way, right 'mumma'?" I asked quietly, voice calm and measured. My mother just stared at my choice of words with saucer like round eyes and opened her mouth to argue but no words came out.
"Mish, look I know you are upset and rig---" began Abhi, clearly rattled at the insult I threw at Pragya; so this was deep from his side, I realised spitefully, and his protectiveness towards her was capable of literally burning the skin of my body with envy.
"Not a word from you Abhi Mehra. Not now. This is family matter" I told him with a flat authoritative tone; he was about to argue back, but Pragya held his wrist. He listened to her and kept quiet, this little act of intimacy and communication riled lava inside me, but I kept calm, for some reason all my hate was channeling towards 'mumma' right now.
"So 'mumma' we will let her have her way, right? Like we always do? There's the last piece of leftover pizza in the fridge Mish, let Di have, she really likes it, else she will be hurt, you see she doesn't have a 'mumma' and she doesn't consider me one too" I mimicked my mother, narrating an incident from the childhood, one of many. Both 'mumma' and Pragya's head shot up at me, but there was no stopping me that day.
"Betaji, the phone that Di chose, it's very expensive, let her have it, I will get you one next year Diwali, pakka promise. Anyway Di goes out alone, you don't nah, she needs it more. You can use my one now." I muttered, I knew I sounded incoherent at this point, but I didn't care, it had to come out today. My mother looked pale and Pragya seemed to roll her eyes.
"Betaji, 'badi-ma' had chosen Suresh for her not you, respect their wish, please let Di marry Suresh. Did it matter to you 'mumma' that I loved him? Did this matter that in fact Suresh loved me too? What mattered was bowing down to Pragya's wish so she didn't hate you. Why was it so important for you to win her approval 'mumma'? Who was she? Every single time she got what she wanted and me? I didn't stop you, I let her marry the one man I truly ever wanted, you'd think then this 'bitch' would be in peace? No but years later, when I find another man to move on in life with, she wants him too! So I'm asking you 'mumma' what do we do, do we follow the drill? Give Pragya what she wants?" I asked looking towards my mother. As tears profusely escaped her eyes, no words escaped her lips, I was in a dilemma, a part of me wanted to run and hug her, but another part was so damn angry at her, that part didn't care, and that part wasn't done.
I heard Alia di speak up next, "How could you Anu? Just how could you? You of all people fell for this? You knew how Prags's equation is with her folks, right? We all knew, how did you, not see this plan?" she was chiding Abhi; I smiled humourlessly hearing her attack. It was true I was jealous when I heard Pragya got Abhi too, just like she had Suresh, but his actions didn't bother me as much as Pragya's did. He just fell for the trap. It's not like he was in love with me, it's not like I was in love with him either, there wasn't much expectations there to begin with. What riled me up was Pragya's nature of putting her paws on everything that belonged to me.
"Pragya betaji, what did you get out of doing this, tell me?" it was my mother's voice this time. My head shot at her, finally the right person was questioned. I wanted to hear this now. I wanted to hear it all; all of Pragya's dirty secret.
***
Pragya:
My head shot up at 'mumma's' enquiry. She really thought she was in a position to question me? I glared at her, and the first time in my life confronted her with all the venom I was holding inside me for all my formative years.
"Look who gets to question me today" I began with a stealthy smirk, I could feel Abhi shift uncomfortably beside me. At that moment I didn't care, years of torment emancipated out of me and I was caught in the whirlwind of frenzy with her accusing question.
"Today you're asking me why I overstepped my boundaries, but what happened ten years ago when your darling Bulbul overstepped her's?" I snarled.
"She doesn't know about it" I heard Bulbul's voice pleading me suddenly. I shot my head at her with a glare.
"Neither did I know about you and Suresh before our wedding, did you give me a pass for that?" I asked testily.
"What do I not know?" I heard 'mumma' ask as I slowly turned my head towards her. I so didn't buy this, I am so sure she knew everything, she was only pretending now, to look innocent.
"That ten years ago, when your daughter overstepped her boundary and got into a relationship with Suresh, where were your questions then 'mumma'? I was pregnant then, I didn't even know that they liked each other, had you told me, I wouldn't have ever come in between them – why did you spin such a disaster out of my life? Your daughter did to me, what you did to my 'ma' ages back. You were a home-wrecker 'mumma' and so was your daughter. She was in a relationship with my husband for three years after that. Three years! At what point were you going to stop her, were you going to stop her, ever?" I breathed heavily as I looked at her with questions dancing in my eyes, there was shock written in everyone's face in that room, suddenly all the dirt was out in the open, as I saw Bulbul look at me with pure hate. I smiled, for once I felt satisfied, for once we were on the same page, that day she understood why I was cold with her, and the magnitude of hate, dislike and mistrust I had for her.
"You knew about it?" it was Suresh who spoke this time with pure shock in his voice, in all this I had almost forgotten about his presence, but I didn't care today.
"You think you guys were that smart?" I spat back at him, glaring at him and Bulbul who looked down now.
"If you knew, why didn't you ever confront us, Pragya? Were you deriving pleasure out of knowing that I was pining for the love of the man who was in your control? You could have let him go, but you held on to a dead marriage just so he couldn't be mine?" I looked at Bulbul in disbelief at the accusation she had just made.
"Mish, stop it. I cannot believe it that you could do this to your di" broke in 'mumma's' voice; I rolled my eyes in anger and muttered "more drama' under my breath.
"I loved Suresh. I am not guilty of that. I wasn't, I am not now either. I was guilty of my act, hence we did break up. Just so you know, I was guilty of breaking Aadi's home, not yours Pragya, I didn't care about you, just how you didn't care about me when you married Suresh." she spit venom, but my eyes were wide now. So she was playing the guilty card now.
"Aadi. Yes, my son Aadi. You know he exists, right? The child you made your 'so-called' sacrifice for? My reason for compromising with this marriage was also him. My son Aadi. I didn't need Suresh; not when he chose you over his pregnant wife carrying his own child. But my Aadi needed his father, a full family – and for me the need of my child was more important than your need for my husband. It wasn't a personal vendetta; it was a mother's choice for what's best for her child." I replied back holding onto whatever piece of sanity, my rage allowed me to hold on to.
"And what happened to your 'what's best for my child' policy when you slept with my fiancé, Pragya? Suddenly Aadi is old enough to handle a broken home?" asked Bulbul silkily, as Alia nodded and looked up to face me challenging my thoughts once more. I looked at her and my heart broke, this was a morning of many firsts, but Alia being on the other side was the most heart breaking one for me.
I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing escaped me again. I felt tongue tied again, just like faced with Alia the night before. What about Aadi indeed? How did I completely not take him into consideration when I ran to Abhi last night? Why did Aadi's thought not cross me all night, what about him? I knew in my heart of heart, I wasn't wrong to want love, to fall in love with Abhi didn't feel wrong, however wrong it sounded, but how did I forget Aadi? I saw Bulbul's triumphant smile and realised she had won this time too; I didn't have answer to this question. In the heat of the moment, in passion and in my addiction to the drug of love Abhi made me addicted to, how could I forget the sole reason of my existence, compromise and struggle, my son Aadi? Was I a bad mother too, in my quest of hating my step-mother, had I become like her? I didn't have an answer to this, and before I knew it, I was shaking and had tears in my eyes. I could feel Abhi stiffen next to me and gently hold my shoulder trying to pacify me, but right now I didn't care. Why did love always present itself before me with a choice, an either or situation. Either Abhi or Aadi in this case.
***
Sarla Arora:
I stared at them at a loss of words, when I saw my girls fight out the ugliest fight. I was paralysed with shock and fear; somewhere, just like Mish I blamed myself too. I didn't want this exact thing to happen, and in fear of this, I made a few difficult choices back in the day, but life has a strange way of showing you, who's the boss, it led me back to exactly what I feared most, that Pragya will blame Bulbul and see her in the same light that she saw me in her real mother's life. I didn't want the girls to hate each other, I didn't want them to intrude each other's life this way, but mostly, what I hated the most was for Pragya to feel that she was a bad mother. It's true or relationship was cold always, but I didn't hate or detest her, she was my husband's child, my child – and I knew how it felt to be a bad mother, I was one to both the girls. I knew Pragya and Bulbul were both hurting for doing the same thing to each other; Pragya's wound wasn't fresh, but Bulbul's was – but before I attended to either on this matter I needed for Pragya to know that she wasn't a bad mother, no one is ever a bad mother, and it is absolutely okay to once be a woman first and a mother second; that's absolutely allowed, and that didn't make anyone a bad mother; I didn't want her to live with the guilt I spent a life time living with, I couldn't get rid of the guilt because, I wasn't ever willing to tell the 'truth' about her real mother to her, it was my choice – a choice I made as a mother to protect the emotional well-being of both my girls, I wasn't backing out; but that didn't mean Pragya had to suffer it too, not when I could say something and remove that guilt.
"Betaji, stop blaming yourself, you're not a bad mother. You did everything to protect Aadi always, choosing yourself once isn't a crime. You haven't failed as a mother and you never will – you are too strong for that. I won't say I support what you have done as a result of choosing yourself, but I can't question you either. It was wrong, but Mish was wrong too, so was Suresh and now Abhi – I wonder why no questions are asked to the two men here? Aren't they as much involved?" I held Pragya's shoulder gently as I spoke, and for the first time in forty years, I saw her look up at me with hope and vulnerability, a tear escaped my eyes, and suddenly the mother in me unleashed, the unsuccessful mother who couldn't protect her girls, but all wasn't lost; I was going to question the other two men too, why were they getting away easily while my girls bore the whole brunt?
I turned around and marched to Suresh, I held him by the wrist and hauled him to the center of the living area, right next to Abhi. I glared at them as they looked back at me perplexed; they had to answer me now, both of them for hurting my girls.
"How dare you? How dare you both play with both my girl's lives? Suresh, I trusted you. You knew everything about us, our equation, you promised to cherish her then how did you let Bulbul come back to your life? That too at a time when you're son was arriving in your lives? What does that say about you as a man? You wanted to leave your wife and child for a girl who had left you for family? If you loved her, then why didn't you learn the value of family from her? She left you both times Suresh – I know her going back to you was wrong, she was in a moral dilemma, but she found the strength to move out, where you should have done it – for your wife! For your SON! You should have tried harder to reconcile with Pragya, you should have had the courage to own up at least, talk about it – communicate – but no, you were comfortable in the silent marriage, because that still held you in positive light. Shame on you betaji." I huffed, as Suresh stood motionless like a stone before me, it was hard to gauge if he was guilty or enraged, his face was unreadable, but he stood there tall and let me speak. I turned my attention to Abhi now;
"And you betaji? You knew us from childhood right? Prags di? Isn't that what you called her? You indulged in this? For a moment even if I give Pragya the benefit of doubt, she was going through a bad marriage, infidelity, loneliness and lapse of moral judgement, what is your excuse? Had she made a move at you, you should have stopped her; you should have reminded her of your relationship, but you forgot all boundaries and indulged in this adultery?" I almost screamed at him in disbelief and frustration; he was listening with a straight face and eyes tightly shut, but he flinched at the word adultery.
"I have disappointed you aunty, and I am truly sorry for that, but I am not sorry for what transpired between me and Pragya" he said with a straight face and confident voice. I glared at him and so did Alia and Bulbul, but he didn't care, his eyes were searching for Pragya's expression now, her validation; but Pragya didn't notice, she was lost in her own mind, looking at the floor absentmindedly, her tears had dried and it seemed like she was in deep thought, unware of the accusation that was taking place around her.
"Yes, aunty I am not sorry for being with Pragya, because I love her. I don't want her to be feeling sorry either because she loves me. Sometimes in life you have to suffer a lot before you find the right person, and you shouldn't be sorry if something good finally happens to you. Why should we be guilty of finding true love? Agreed our way was wrong, but what choice did we have? Could we go back in time and make amends? No, right? If it was possible I would go back in time and not let her marry Suresh bhaiya, I would get Bulbul married to him and be with Pragya without hurting anyone, but we can't change the past; does that mean we let go off the future too? And why blame Pragya, let me tell you, she never approached me, she didn't make a move, I did. I did it because I felt something for her, right from childhood, but I was terrified of expressing it. Can you imagine how strongly I must have felt for her, for me to push through every social barrier and ignore all possible colossal consequences to tell her how I feel? And you think all this transpired last night? Let me tell you aunty and everyone else here, No. It started from the time I went to Delhi for work this time. You know why we hid it, why I was carrying on with the wedding rituals? Because we did try to stop ourselves, we did try to force back normalcy – but we couldn't. Last night we realised we cannot let go of each other and I will now stand by Pragya no matter what you all think; no matter what she thinks. If I am sorry for anything, it is for putting Bulbul through all this, it was unintentional and I don't expect her to forgive me either." when Abhi finally finished, I realised I had stopped breathing in shock; I had nothing more to say.
I heard Bulbul's hoarse voice calling me from behind, she was the calmest right now. "Let's go home, this wedding stands cancelled" I glanced at her, she looked like she was in control, I turned to Pragya, as she was still rooted to the same spot. I walked to her and gently pulled her by the wrist; she didn't resist, but looked around saying Aadi's name. "I will get him" I looked around to see Purab standing there at the far corner, judging by his bags and attire, seemed like he had entered the house while all this drama was unfolding. I nodded and he quickly brought a sleepy Aadi downstairs and handed him to Pragya, who clutched him like her greatest treasure. As we started walking towards the main door, Suresh spoke.
"I will check into a hotel for now, I will come once later in the day to take my luggage and talk to Pragya". Pragya looked at him and nodded and glanced at Abhi once – he was looking at her tenderly; she have him an assuring look as she walked along with me and Bulbul; I couldn't help smile a bit as I walked out of the Mehra Bari that day, for the first time ever I felt I was walking home with both my children; Pragya finally seemed to have found her way back home. I knew a huge battle lay ahead, but now she had a home to come back for respite. I knew my Bulbul was hurting too, but I felt, for once after hurling all secret out of her, and somewhere finding my support against Suresh, she was okay too. For once, I didn't feel like a bad mother to either, I was in peace.
***