Pragya:
I never thought I was a believer of true love, I was a staunch believer of reality, practical life, always a 'what needs to be done' person over a 'what ought to be done' person. I have never even reacted like a lover, I never confronted my husband for infidelity, never even questioned my sister for her treachery, I was a scorned woman, but I knew duties and performed them to the best of my abilities. I had made peace with my disability to love or even fight for love, thinking I didn't have it in me.
Years later in my life, I realized that it wasn't true, I didn't confront my husband or even try protecting my relationship with him because, I had never truly been in love in the first place. Perhaps it was due to this self-ignorance that I had caught myself by surprise, much later in life, after Abhi and my encounter, when I found out about Abhi's closeness with Bulbul during their lunch date on his yacht.
It was at Bulbul's 'Sangeet' ceremony that was held one day before the wedding when Bulbul and Abhi performed a couple dance. It was the first time I felt irked; still oblivious to the possessive side of mine, I waved it aside thinking it was only a dance, it was supposed to look intimate, and of course there was nothing intimate in their relationship. I knew my half-sister was shrewd, she knew she was entering a love less wedlock, but what did she care, as far as love was concerned, she had found it in my husband and she was only looking for a trophy partner now. As much as that thought tormented me, I was still at peace, it wasn't a fresh wound, it wasn't new, and I was used to living with it by then.
It was a strange moment in my life, when I got to know about Abhi and Bulbul's closeness, by fluke. I was only passing by Bulbul after her dance performance, she was crowded by her friends, and they were teasing her about her visible intimacy with Abhi, it annoyed me a little that it wasn't only me, they were close enough for even others to notice too. However, what blew air out of my gut was her response to her friends. Her sly, manipulative, devilish wink saying, what her friends saw was just a 'trailer' she had filmed the full movie with Abhi!
I hadn't realized that I had stopped walking; it was a deja-vu so powerful that I had to struggle to keep my balance to continue standing. I felt a myriad of emotions hitting me all at once, there was defiance, outrage, hurt, pain, anguish, angst, jealousy, disappointment and at one point even numbness. I felt like I was existing at an alternate realm at the same time, and strangely, a few lines came to my mind, lines I had written in my first novel, the novel where I had put my heart out, my life out, the novel that was more close to my reality than I ever was aware at that point of time, also my only novel that tanked.
"She realised that she had never given up on hope of love. Even when her world stood completely still, she was a believer. She always was, only now she could feel it deep within her bones too. A quake was on its way." ~ Voice of the Ocean, Pragya.
I could no longer deny the evident. Standing amidst a crowded hall with his 'Sangeet' ceremony going in full swing, hearing from his fiancée that he had moved on as we had planned and found love in my arch nemesis, I had hit a realization that I knew was going to alter the entire course of, not only my life, but also my whole family's – that I, Pragya Arora Shrivastav, had finally fallen in love for the first time in my whole life – and I was in love with, not my husband, but my sister's fiancé, my best friend's younger brother – I Pragya Arora Shrivastav, was in love with Abhi Mehra.
The realization was as intimidating, as it was exhilarating.
Truly, I had realized that day, that a quake was on its way.
***
Bulbul:
I accept it, that I was lying. I didn't need to, but I was lying just to agitate my sister. Abhi and I had not gone all the way, during our time at his yacht. We couldn't, Abhi wouldn't; although I failed to understand why. I knew he wanted it, I was willing to give it to him but he resisted. He resisted saying we should wait until the wedding and I agreed, although I know him enough to tell that there had to be an underlying reason. I didn't bother too much to be honest; I realized he was trying to do the right by me – that meant something. It meant I was important to him. Maybe I was going to be in a loveless marriage, but I was most important for him, which is more than what Suresh could ever offer, with Aadi by his side.
I know my sister is in a loveless marriage too, but she repeatedly defeated me despite that. Her husband didn't love her, yet she got to stay married to him, bear his child and no matter what Suresh felt for me, truth be told, he never left her side – yes, agreed I left him for the greater good i.e. Aadi, but it takes two to tango, he also did eventually go back to them. I agree my logic is twisted, but if he really wanted to make it work with me, he could convince me that couldn't he? He could still have gone ahead and separated from Di, with or without me – but he didn't. Di was always his backup – and even as backup Di always won.
I think it was this deep rooted spite for Di, that led me to lie to my friends during our 'Sangeet', I innocently wanted to show Abhi off to them, but then I caught her eavesdropping and got a glimpse of her face when she overheard me. Her face was staunched with jealousy and that filled my heart with revolt. I was sharing with my friends, my happily engaged life and it had nothing to do with her, yet she couldn't be happy for me? That's why I chose to rub it on her face – rub the fact that Abhi and I know of happiness that she and her husband would never ever know off. That is why I lied. Also, I hardly think it is a lie, because after the wedding it will be my life.
***
Abhi:
The 'Sangeet' ceremony went off well, swiftly leading into the 'Cocktail' and dinner in the evening. As I stared at myself getting ready before the mirror – final moments as a bachelor, I couldn't tell if I was happy or upset. I think I was numb, and I preferred being that way till all this was over and I was married to Bulbul. The crossroads were always difficult, but once the decision is taken, it is not impossible to live with it. I have recently faced, two such cross-roads in life – one when Pragya and I decided to go ahead and create some memories to preserve for life and second while on her door we decided to leave it at that and never revoke it and we parted ways. Both decisions were difficult to take, but once taken, I have done well to act basis the decision made.
I couldn't help but notice, Pragya was acting a little strangely today – for starters, she was royally ignoring her husband. Whatever happened to shoving her trophy husband down my throat I wondered? While Suresh bhaiya was mostly sulking at a corner, clearly uncomfortable, attending his ex-girlfriend's pre-wedding ceremonies – I was wondering why Suresh bhaiya was all 'missing-in-action' throughout my wedding, he knew nothing about mine and Pragya's detour in his Delhi residence – now after Mish's revelation, it all made sense, he wasn't suspicious of us, he was guilty of his doing.
I couldn't bear to look at Pragya straight in the eye all day – not after what Bulbul had confided in me. I feared that if I looked at her or asked her something, she would convince me she was right – I had grown to fear the hold she had on me – Pragya; and I wasn't willing to give her a pass this time. But in the evening, while staring at my reflection in the mirror, while I was adjusting my dinner jacket, I couldn't shake off the memory of that one look she had given me when I happened to catch her eye by mistake, during the day. I had shuddered and taken a step back – she wasn't Pragya at all, she was a pit of wildfire – what I saw was rage, frustration and denial; I was caught off guard, I didn't know where it came from, and before I could act on it, someone dragged me back into the function. Was it jealousy for me? I thought I'd be fooling myself if I decided to believe that – it was jealousy for sure, but not for me, it was for Bulbul - for retaining me, despite her hard work to snatch me from Mish – it was anger from failure – it was frustration of not being able to fool me again like she had done that first night in Delhi when I had gone to meet her.
Flashback from the night in Delhi
"It's not complicated Pragya. You have been the centre of my world forever now. I have wanted you from so long that, wanting you feels holy in my heart. You want the perfect memory right, a memory to help you fight your restless life with Suresh bhaiya? I want one too, to pass my mundane life with Bulbul – meeting my family's expectations. For once you want to feel like somebody's sole desire, you have been mine – for a long time. It's our best chance – one shot at a life we wanted. For you, to be more loved than anyone else, for me to love that one person who is impossibly out of reach.
I knew I had succeeded when she slowly turned around with dilemma smeared in her eyes.
(The above extract from end of Chapter 4: Turning of Time)
"Abhi.." that's all she could say, when she looked at me with what looked like 'hope' that she seemed to have had mustered with a lot of dare. She was scared to even hope for a shred of happiness; useless social mantles had grown so heavy on her that she felt her happiness was a crime to seek. It broke my heart but not my determination, so I swiftly caught hold of her waist, pulled her close to me and kissed her with all the love and fatal attraction that I have ever felt for her...that is where it had all begun – even today I feel empowered when I saw her progress from a shy woman fearing happiness to a bold one claiming what she needed from me within a span of those few days – there was a whole new side to Pragya that was buried unexplored, that was the woman I had met and made love to, in those days in Delhi.
This memory was the purest and most powerful memory I ever made, it was sacrosanct – hence my entire believe system went caput, ever since Bulbul showed me Pragya's real face. I felt devastated and hollowed from deep within, but the irony of my life lay in the fact that I couldn't show it in anyway, not to others, not to Pragya and not even to myself; I had to simply digest the fact that the purest memory of my life, one that I was close to worshipping, was a fake – it was someone's crass attempt of getting even on a vendetta with her sibling, that had nothing to do with me. This realization was overwhelming and way too powerful for me, I could feel myself eroding from within – only Pragya could save me, by saying what Bulbul said was a lie – but that would never happen, because I trusted Bulbul enough to know she wouldn't be lying about this.
I didn't know when my eyes had started to water, and I had tears in my eyes, but a sharp push on my bedroom door brought me back to my present and from the reflection of the mirror before me, I was surprised to see a red eyed, seething Pragya walk in and locked the door.
***
"Just another moment, right before the dawn
A second more of this, before we can go on
One more breath to sink in, seeping down my soul
Just another moment, and then we can be whole"
~ Voice of the Ocean, Pragya.
Pragya:
Those words had once given my protagonist Amanda hopes - she would survive, through the darkest of nights. But was survival always enough? All my life I was surviving, not living. Surviving with the hope that tomorrow will be better – tomorrow Suresh will not go to Bulbul, tomorrow I will be able to work out my differences with Suresh, tomorrow I can give Mumma a clean slate to start over, tomorrow Abhi and I will figure out how to deal with our romantic detour behind our family's back, tomorrow I will know how easy it was for Abhi to move on with Mish..tomorrow. I was suddenly plagued by tomorrow. What if there is no tomorrow? What if today is my last day, what if the pain is finally enough to put me down? Then what? I will never be able to do all the things I had planned for tomorrow – ever. I had realized with a heavy heart that, if tomorrow never came, if I didn't get to live today, I'd have to die without having ever lived, I'd have to die without asking Abhi how could he do this to me – this had stung me the most.
I stormed out of the room given to us, in the Mehra Mansion to rest until the evening affairs started, where Aadi lay cuddled on his father's lap with the tab as they played a game together; I never turned back because the sight that would have greeted me might have had the power to stall me, but tonight I couldn't. I had barged into his room and locked the door behind me; I had found him near the dresser fixing his jacket, getting ready for the event awaiting us. I had marched to him with so much conviction that it felt almost legitimate to ask him about his philandering ways with my sister, not considering for one moment that said sister was also his fiancée and he wasn't answerable to me. I remember grabbing his shoulder and turning him towards me, but the moment our eyes met, time froze for us. His eyes were red and teary, he looked hollow; his face reflected the devastation of my heart and just like that all my choler vanished into thin air.
***