It's been 2 months since Spencer's Anthrax incident. We've been together for about 3 months now. I've always had trouble naming my feelings. This was a clear example of one of those times. My relationship with Spencer has grown over the past 2 months. We understand each other in a way that wouldn't have seemed slightly possible when we started dating. He understands me and I, him. But a week after our 3-month anniversary date, we got in a fight. It was a big fight too.
I was in the middle of eating out of the carton of ice cream in my apartment when I got a text. It was spencer. He was saying how he wants to talk and that he was outside. I thought about ignoring the text and continue watching my movie but knowing spencer he'd probably show up at my door next. I grabbed my jacket and walked out. He was standing against his car. I made my way over to him and stood about 5 feet away. "Hey Riv," he said. He knew I didn't really want to talk to him(partially because of the face I made when he called me by the nickname he made for me when everything was "going great") so he stayed where he was standing instead of giving me a hug, and for that I was grateful.
"What do you want Spencer?" I asked simply, clearly annoyed. "River look... I'm sorry," he said. I sighed and looked at him. "Spencer, another sorry isn't going to make what you did okay. You don't keep secrets in a relationship. And you definitely don't keep the type of secret you kept from me. I get that you didn't tell me the first 2 months of dating but... this long? And the worst thing is I didn't even hear it from you! I don't blame you for doing what you did, but I do blame you for not telling me. I also blame you for lying about it." a feeling of sadness came over me as I thought about what I had to say next. My eyes burned and I tried to swallow the lump I felt in the back of my through.
"I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets and lies," I said, softly. I regretted it. The second it came out of my mouth I wanted to take it back but I didn't because it's what I needed to do. I never had time for a relationship, I was super busy. I knew it would distract me and possibly leave me heartbroken. "River," Spencer said in an almost pleading tone and stepped closer. "No i- I can't," I said and ran back into my apartment tears threatening to fall. They didn't start flooding until I closed the door and slid onto the floor.
I was sobbing as mahogany came over and tried to comfort me. I decided to call Jakie and not long after she came to comfort me as well. "jakie, I never felt like this after a breakup." I said in between sobs. "Why do I feel like this?" I basically yelled as I broke into more sobs. Jakie sighed and started rubbing my back. "Maybe because you never really loved anyone as you loved him," she said and I shot up. "I don't love him," I said defensively. "Then why do you feel like this?" she said 100% believing that I'm in love with Spencer. I laid back down on the sofa. "I don't love him. I don't" I said quietly to myself as I drifted off to a dreamless sleep with jakie and mahogany by my side. And no boyfriend.