I stand there in Brad's kitchen, my entire body shaking as I struggle to breathe. Charlie told Brad about me.
"Joy", Brad says, bringing me back into reality and I lift my head up again to see him trying to get closer to me but I back away, tears falling down my cheeks uncontrollably again.
"How long have you known", I ask, trying to steady the shaking in my voice. "How long have you known who I am?", I clarify now that I am not sobbing as much.
Brad stares at me, pain apparent in his eyes. Pain? If someone is allowed to feel pain here, it's me. He has no right to feel pain about Charlie's death.
"Since the first time I saw you", he answers, his voice soft and fragile all of a sudden. "You look just like him", he adds and I snap again.
"You have no right to talk about him!", I scream, my tears still falling down like waterfalls.
"I know you're in pain, but-", he starts to say but doesn't have time to finish his sentence that I slap him. His hand immediately reaches for his now red cheek as he looks at me, stunned. Even if I didn't intend to slap him like that, I don't regret doing it.
"You know nothing about me or the pain I'm in", I say as he stares at me intently, his breathing quicker and shorter. "My brother's dead because of your gang", I add and the look on his face changes again to a mix of pain and anger.
"You think I don't fucking know that?!", he screams back, making me jump. "You think I didn't try everything I could to help him?", he continues, looking so furious I can't help myself but take a step back. "You're not the only one who lost someone you cared about", he finally adds and it's my turn to look at him stunned.
"How dare you compare my situation to yours. I lost my brother!", I yell, sobs doubling up again. "I lost the person I loved the most! You barely even knew Charlie!", I add despite not really knowing if that's true or not. It doesn't matter anyway.
He has no right to compare our situations. In fact, he has no right to talk to me about Charlie. I can see he's struggling to keep himself from yelling something back, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he finally keeps it close, simply staring at me, his breathing calming down.
"You're right", he says, not an ounce of anger in his voice anymore. "I didn't know him like you did, but he was my best mate and I know he wouldn't want this life for you".
My heart skips a beat at the sound of that. Charlie was his best friend? No, Charlie wouldn't be friends with a guy like him. But after all, he was in a gang without me having a clue about it, so what do I know? I don't know why, probably nerves, but I start laughing in between two sobs.
"You know he wouldn't want this life for me", I repeat, almost to myself before looking back up at his eyes. "Because you got to know him so well in the two years he was here that you know what he'd want for his sister?"
"No", Brad answers bluntly. "Because he specifically told me so", he adds and my ironic laugh instantly stops, the room going quiet all of a sudden. "He talked to me about you all the time, told me all about his beautiful and smart sister who'd be CEO of a company one day. He was so fucking proud of you and the life you were building for yourself", he continues and tears start to spill again.
"Stop it", I say, not willing to hear any more of it.
"He wanted you to have a successful life and be happy", he says, my entire body starting to shake at his words.
It hurts too much. I can't live with this pain. Make it stop. Please.
"SHUT UP!", I scream, still sobbing uncontrollably.
"I promised him I would keep you safe, and I won't let him down a second time", he answers and I suddenly realize something.
'A second time'. 'I promised him I'd keep you safe'. Brad knew what was going on, and still let Charlie die. I feel sick at the thought but need confirmation.
"What happened to him", I say, the tone in my voice making it clear that I won't let go without an answer.
Brad doesn't say anything, his face deformed by pain and regret.
"Why did he get killed?", I ask again and I see the hesitation in Brad's eyes. "ANSWER ME!", I yell, hoping to make him react.
Contrary to what I thought, Brad stays calm, still looking at me with heartbroken eyes.
"He wanted out", he finally says, and I stop breathing for a second. Charlie wanted out of his gang and this life, and that's the reason he got killed? "He wasn't built for this life, and when shit started to go down, he started worrying about you and your family and the consequences this life would have on you. But there's no getting out. Not alive at least". The more Brad says, the faster my heart beats in my chest. "I tried to help him, I connected him with some guys who were gonna get him a passport and help him leave, but he didn't want to leave you behind", he continues and even if I can barely see him through my tears, I can tell by the sound of his voice he's on the edge of crying too. "The day he was supposed to leave, he called me to tell me he couldn't leave without saying goodbye to you, and he made me promise that I'd keep an eye out for you in case you'd come looking for him. He knew that's exactly what you'd do. He made me promise to keep you safe and away from all of this", he adds before swallowing the lump in his throat, emotions raw in his voice. "He didn't make it to the train station. Reggie heard about his plans, and-", he says but doesn't finish. He doesn't need to, I know what the end of his sentence is. I break down completely, falling to the floor as the pain in my chest feels like it's been multiplied by a million. I didn't even know it was possible to feel like that. "I'm so sorry, Joy", Brad says as he crouches next to me. My brother is dead because he cared about me and my parents. Reggie killed Charlie for wanting a better life and Brad still works for that monster. The agonizing pain in my chest is replaced by pure hatred as I realize Brad's still under the orders of the man who killed my brother, as if nothing happened.
"You know he killed him and you still work for him?", I say more than ask as I stand up, trying my best to keep my balance despite my shaky legs.
"I don't have a fucking choice!", Brad exclaims but I don't listen. I've had enough of his bullshit for one day. I start walking out of the kitchen and back to his bedroom where I pray I'd find my bag. I quickly find it laying on the floor and grab it before making my way towards the front door, only to be met by Brad just as I leave his bedroom. "Where do you think you're going?", he asks, looking at me as if I'm completely out of my mind.
"Far away from you", I answer as I push him out of my way but he grabs my wrist again. Why is it so easy for him to have such control over me like that? "Let me go", I say as I try to wiggle my way out of his grip, but that only makes him tighten it.
"I tried everything I could", he says, but that doesn't change anything. Charlie's still dead, and he's still working for Reggie.
"Let go of me, you're hurting me", I say again with a wince and he finally loosens his grip on my wrist. I take the opportunity to quickly walk towards the door, but he once again catches up to me and blocks my access to it.
"You can't go out dressed like that. Especially not in this neighbourhood", he says and I realize he's right. I sigh and he grabs my wrist again before dragging me back to his room and walks towards his dresser, still holding on to my wrist, probably by fear I'd run away as soon as he lets go. He pulls out a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie and hands them to me, still not letting go of my wrist. I know I don't have much choice but to accept his clothes, despite wearing his stuff being the last thing I want to do. It hurts too much knowing how close he was to Charlie and that he still let him down. He let him get killed. Brad finally lets go of my wrist, but doesn't move from where he's standing, right in front of me, and I just know he's not gonna move. I quickly jump into his sweatpants feeling his eyes on me and pull on the cord, tying it tight around my hips so that it doesn't fall before passing the hoodie over my head. I am hit by a faint smell of cologne, the same odour I could smell on him when he was hugging me.
"Please go back to Southampton", he suddenly says and I lift my head up to look him in the eyes. "You know you don't belong here. Charlie didn't go through all of this to see you waste your life like this.", he adds and I snap again, my hand meeting his cheek for the second time today. I'm surprised at his self-control, expecting him to hit back, especially after two slaps, but he doesn't.
"Don't ever talk about Charlie again", I say as I walk past him and make my way back to the front door. I know Brad's right on my toes but I don't care. Soon I'll be far away from here and from him.
"I won't let what happened to him happen to you", he says just as I open the door, and I turn to him.
"Because you did such a great job the first time", I finally say before leaving, almost running down the stairs of his building. I jump into the first bus I find passing by the street I'm walking on, and eventually make it home. I go straight under the shower, rubbing every inch of my body for a good hour, making sure I erase all traces of Elly or Brad off my skin and make my way into bed. I want to forget about everything. About Charlie's death, about my pathetic life, about what happened at the party, and about Brad. It just hurts too much. I can't take it anymore. I open the top drawer of my nightstand and pull out a bottle of pills I got prescribed after Charlie's death. They're supposed to help me sleep, but never really worked. I pour two on my palm before adding a third one and swallow them down hoping they'll make me forget everything. And sure enough, I fall asleep instantly.
I love writing this story so much! Definitely one of my favs out of all of my stories. I actually have written up a few chapters in advance, I believe I am currently writing chapter 21. I can't wait for you to read more of it and see how Joy and Brad's relationship is going to evolve. Thank you so much for your support with all my stories guys. I love you so much! Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR! May 2021 be better for all of us than 2020. Can't really be worse though, can it?