Just FYI this is a depressing chapter. If you don't like reading about depression, I am sorry. I apologize in advance for any grammical errors.
I feel alone. Like I'm the only person in the world. I could be surrounded by a hundred people and still feel isolated. I am empty.
It has been a couple weeks since the incident with Stephanie and i have shut everyone out. It was like it was a trigger. The morning after it happened, before Daniel woke up, i took some clothes from our room and moved them to a guest room. I have been staying here ever since.
Daniel keeps coming to check on me, but each time i tell him to leave me alone. Now i realize how messed up i am, and i think Daniel does too. Being tortured and raped for 6 years of my life has taken away any hope i had for a better future. Meeting Daniel showed me a life that i could have. A life i could have if i was normal and not emotionally shattered. I want to be normal. But i can't because i am broken. And i can't be fixed.
I have spent these past few weeks sitting in the same chair looking at the same wall all day, every day. Daniel always brings food up to me, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, never missing a meal. He has learned to not say anything. At the beginning when he would come to my room, he would stand outside the door and just plead me nonstop to come out of the room.
When he brings food, i wait until he walks away to get it. I only eat a little so that our pup can be healthy, i hide the rest under the bed, in drawers, closets, anywhere i can. And to be honest, it's starting to smell in here.
I get up to take a shower in the bathroom that's connected to the room and take off my clothes. When i look in the mirror i see the girl i saw for 6 years. The girl that is dead inside. My eyes are empty and dull with bags under them, my cheeks are sunken in, my belly has continued to grow big though, but you can tell that i haven't been eating the amount i should. My bones protrude everywhere. But, I just ignore it and get into the warm shower.
"I'm sorry, Bubble." I say to my baby. "Momma has not been feeling well lately. I know you miss Daddy, i do too. We might see him soon. I love you, baby." I tell my little angel.
I get out of the shower and put some clean clothes on. I choose the only tank top that fits over my big tummy and some comfy short shorts. Today i will start to try and get out of this room. I slowly walk up to the door, open it a tiny bit, then creep out into the hallway. Taking a deep breath, i start walking. Without thinking, i make my way to Daniel's room and nock on the door.
"What?!" Daniel snarls, making me cringe. I nock again.
"What could you possibly need." he says harshly while walking to open the door.
As soon as he sees me his eyes go wide and pulls me into a hug.
"Oh my god, Princess. Don't leave me ever again. I missed you so much. I love you. I love you. I love you." He kept murmuring.
"Hey." He says, steping back. But, as he does, he catches a glimps of my body and his eyes harden.
"Carina. What did you do? Your so thin! I have been giving you food. Why didn't you eat?" He whispers, angrily.
"I did eat" i say. It's not a complete lie.
"Don't lie to me. You are too thin to have been eating." he says.
"I have been... enough to keep the baby healthy." i whisper, quietly.
"Why haven't you been eating for YOUR health?" He asks.
I just shrug my shoulders.
"Carina. You have to take care of yourself." He states.
"ok. I'm sorry."
"Sweetheart. Will you come back to me?" Daniel asks.
i nod.
"It will be ok. I promise."
I just nod again.
He looks like he is on the verge of tears as he brings me into a hug. He murmurs sweet, reassuring words in my ear and kisses my head every couple minutes.