There is this thing about being an intelligent adult, that never showed up in class without having the homework done as a student, that can be quite dangerous. When you make a human being sit down in a classroom for most of his life, regardless if it's a wizard or muggle, they will eventually hold on to something to define them, to differentiate them from other students. And if you are the quiet, polite, punctual, smart kid that never disappointed a single teacher, that will be your grades. And after listening for years that your grades qualify you to potentially be a decent member of society, you will also, eventually, attach your self-worth to the quality of your studies. And one day, that will translate into the quality of your work. If you have one.
And that was the dangerous trap Remus was caught up in, although he didn't understand precisely where all the frustration was coming from. It never escaped his notice that life would be unfair to him on many levels since he was a werewolf. And to someone who reluctantly got used to being sent away or resign not to raise any suspicions, he found himself to be uncharacteristically pessimistic about his life. It felt unfair, maybe because it was indeed unfair. But this was a different way of life being unreasonable to him. It was insulting. Because he knew he could do better, he knew he had the brains and abilities to be set in far better jobs than he ever even dared to apply for. The reference he had for himself was that he had always been one of the best students in class and also one of the most dedicated ones. But when unable to be measured by those standards, Lupin felt like there was absolutely nothing about him that counted for something.
Severus knew Remus was facing some hard times, so he respected his space on the first few days they shared his house. Make no mistake, Remus had become way too good at lying about being ok to everyone around him. He couldn't lie completely to Severus, but he knew his way into making it look far less concerning than it actually was. Overall, he became good at lying to himself, always claiming he wasn't "unwell enough" to bother someone else with it. Especially if he believed the solution lied only with himself.
It was hard to define how the first week in Cokeworth was. Calling it tough would imply conflict, but there wasn't any, being close to each other ran rather smoothly considering the history they had. Remus and Severus were, above many things, introverts. And it can only mean that to recharge their energy spent in the craziness of the last month, they would need lots of quiet time and silence. Which they never even had to talk about, it was an agreement they both understood on the first day without exchanging a single word.
Remus was surprised to see Severus actually relaxed. Snape would always wake up early at Hogwarts, no matter the day. But at his home and during vacation, seemed like his body needed to catch up on the sleep. In the first days, Remus even asked him if he was sick but Severus only answered it was quite normal for him to oversleep in the first days after the semester was over. His showers were longer and warmer, he didn't forget to eat and Remus finally had a real glimpse of his musical taste. They were both exhausted, but Severus was glad to have Remus' company, especially after realizing he was such a pleasant and understanding person with his need for quiet time.
When the first days of oversleeping were over and Severus recharged a reasonable part of his energy, he started to be more present with Remus. Not that he wasn't before, he made sure to make Lupin feel home and comfortable, but now he wanted to share more than comfortable silence with him. He had been missing Remus for so long it even hurt to remember.
That's when Snape started to notice Lupin was positively hiding his feelings from him. He never answered anything about how he felt, he'd always change the subject. Remus had always been a good listener, but it was noticeable to Snape that Lupin had been too careful and selective with his words.
Sometimes there seemed to be a grey haze around him, Severus noticed, something that projected a spectrum of melancholy over all Lupin's feelings. And It was only fair. He had been through a lot in the past few months and now he finally had a safe place to have the luxury of feeling unwell. As unwell as he had to feel. And Severus, understanding much of that vibe himself, let him mourn peacefully.
Tonight, however, was Severus' turn to cook for them, so he tried to please Remus with something he liked. To cheer him up. Which worked, Remus' mood got better just feeling the scent from the living room while he read one of Severus' many books. Curiosity led the werewolf to the kitchen, under the pretext of getting some water.
"I hope you're hungry," Snape said while taking a look at the vegetables in the pan and checking the potatoes in the oven
"I'm sure you prepared the meat first just to make me suffer a bit," Lupin said while cleaning the glass he used
"Maybe" Snape answered playfully
And that's when it happened. Lupin had to pass where Severus now stood to leave the glass on the shelf. The black-haired wizard gave him room to pass, but he couldn't avoid looking at Remus stretching a little to reach it. His gaze was discrete, but he wasn't able to look away. Remus noticed the situation as well, feeling that pleasant fuzzy feeling on his stomach.
Severus was doing what was on his reach not to rush anything since they arrived, making Remus comfortable was the priority, and they had that conversation on the train about taking things slow. But now, Severus was unintentionally checking him out, being shy about it, implying too many things.
They couldn't deny something was building up in the air with the passing days. They didn't actively give each other ideas, but it was impossible not to have them when sharing the routine. They were both too scared to sit side by side on the couch at first, not because they didn't want to. It was because they both did. Too much.
There was that morning when Remus passed through the corridor and heard Severus' bed creak, soon listening to what seemed to be fabric running through his skin as he probably got dressed. It was also unintentional and it made him wonder about simply opening the door, although he would never do it.
Severus was no angel either. He was respectful of his actions but his ideas had their own will. Too often he would fantasize about doing things with Remus around the house. Every corner seemed to be designed for a specific thing he desired and sometimes he even felt embarrassed to look at Remus on the other side of the living room, knowing his thoughts were betraying him.
In the kitchen, Severus was surprised by the sudden proximity, Remus had taken some short steps in his direction without giving it thought. And Remus, finally noticing how close he was, was baffled with how magnetic they were to each other.
The werewolf placed his hand on Severus' shoulder rather slowly, feeling his ever tense neck react to his touch. There was still no movement from the other, only a penetrating gaze coming from the dark eyes. Soon enough, Severus touched him back, smiling in the corner of his mouth, not being so shy anymore. He had his fingers touching Remus' chin and also his jawline.
"Are you sure about this?" Snape asked, his voice a rough silk
"Some of me is, and the rest is on its way to be" Remus replied with sincerity, still not being able to look away from Severus
"So let's leave it for when you are entirely sure," Snape said fearlessly, knowing he was allowed to try
Lupin would have answered, but a charmed metallic bell levitated and rang softly, indicating the food was ready. This interruption made him take a look at how he positioned himself on Severus. The other wizard was leaning on the kitchen counter, close to the sink. Maybe Remus was more willing to make the distance between them shorter than he cared to admit.
"Oh, I'm sorry" Remus said in a low tone, seeing a watermark in the back of Snape's shirt where it touched the edge of the counter
"Well, I'm not" Severus replied, a pinch of malice scaping his voice
The following hours went nicely. They ate and talked about many things, finally catching up with all the subjects they couldn't share with each other for months.
It was reassuring to know they still thought of each other fondly, even after the fights. Remus was touched when he realized there were many little events Severus had in mind to tell him, as if he made a mental list of the things he saw and heard that reminded him of Remus and wanted to share more than everything. Like the day he went to Hogsmeade and saw the candy shop was all on sale. And when he attended to the quidditch match and returned the gloves Lupin had forgotten on the bench to the Gryffindor prefect.
"So that was you! I could swear it was Minerva, we sat side by side" Remus said surprised
"I only saw them after everyone was gone. Sometimes I to stay there a while longer for the view and wind" Snape clarified
"They were new, how did you know they were mine?" Lupin asked, still intrigued
Snape gave him the ultimate "oh really?" type of look before answering.
"For a start, you have very long fingers, so you buy the ones without the fingertips" Snape begin
"True"
"Secondly, the color matched your... pallet, I'd say. And it wasn't far from where you were seated"
"Very well, Sherlock, very well" Lupin teased. "Thanks for returning them I was pretty upset thinking I had lost them"
"Don't mention it. And Sherlock Holmes? I can see you are reading the books around the house. I always preferred the wizard authors but that one... Well, exceptions must be made at times" Snape said simply
That was something interesting to observe around the house. Snape probably cleansed the place from most of its muggle content over the years, but some things remained. The house had electricity, for a start. Some electronic devices were rather new, meaning Snape bought them as an adult. In a muggle store, with muggle money, which was even eerier to think about.
"In case you might have forgotten, I'm also half-blooded, Severus" Remus pointed out
"Meaning?" Snape said raising an eyebrow
"Meaning I know my way with a microwave. And that my mother introduced me to some things like literature and TV shows. You know some of my favorite bands are muggle bands, right?" Lupin said in a lighthearted way, he knew Snape held a grudge with muggles because of his father
"I guess you're right" Snape answered in the same tone. "Ingenious, aren't they? Hundreds of years of magical history and... no toaster. I think we failed our kind a little" he said in a solemn mocking tone, looking at his red toaster on the counter
"You see, it never occurred to me that you asked for some of your payment in... How do they call it again? Pound Sterling, I think. So you can buy things around here"
"As you can see, there aren't many shopping activities going on around the area. But I need to eat during the summer. Although..." Snape said cracking a smile
"Oh no, I can't believe it," Remus said already laughing a little. He knew what was coming next
"For that one and the TV, I had to go to Gringotts and have them convert some money for me. And they keep the records, as you know. Very detailed records" Snape said laughing at the situation he had been
Lupin was laughing loudly. "Are you telling me the Great Potions Master Severus Snape had to explain what a toaster is to a Goblin?"
"They even know the color I chose, Remus, those creatures are obscene in that bank," Snape said laughing as well
Their conversation went on for hours during the night. They eventually drank some wine to go with it. They were mostly light subjects and Remus was fascinated to get to know more about Severus. Looking around the neighborhood and the house, there was just so much to know.
However, some things were clear from the moment he entered the house by the flu chain. The first thing was that the disposition of items in the living room resembled a lot the way Severus kept his belongings at Hogwarts. And of course, he liked his mother far more than he liked his father. One could identify some decorations or items that might have been chosen by a female around the house, but there was absolutely no trace of Tobias Snape.
And some other things were surprising to Remus. He believed Severus' household to have been strict and with a certain level of formality. Which according to him, wasn't true. His mother didn't smile easily but she seemed to be an accessible woman.
Lupin bothered to ask about the room he was staying in. Snape had no brothers or sisters, so it must have been his.
"I spent my childhood there. And my summers as I grew up. You can look around if you like, won't bother me at all" Snape said finishing the red wine in his glass
Severus sounded rather melancholic to remember his childhood.
"Perhaps you can show me. You took such good care of it, must mean a lot to you" Remus said kindly
Snape smiled a little.
"One can tell, right?" Snape asked
"Yes... And I like staying there too. Feels very personal, I can almost see you there. Thank you for letting me stay" Remus said touching Snape's hand
"I'm glad you're here, Remus. I know I haven't been too present on the last lays, but I needed some rest" Snape said apologetically
"Don't worry about it, I also needed some time to reflect on everything that happened. And rest" Remus replied, his hand still touching Snape
The potion's master realized this could be a good moment to talk to Remus about his mood. It was a difficult decision to make because sometimes Snape was sure Remus was struggling in a manageable way. And sometimes, he wasn't.
Just this morning Snape arrived at the kitchen and found Remus there, silently looking through the window, but not really observing anything at all.
"Remus, I know you're still processing many things and I'm trying to give you space. But you know you can talk to me about anything, don't you?"
They exchanged quick meaningful looks.
"I... know" Remus replied avoiding Snape's eyes. "You've helped me so much this year, I know I can..."
"I needed to hear it from you, that's all" Severus answered briefly
This is usually the problem with this kind of subject. Pointing a finger at it is horribly embarrassing, the words never come easily, regardless if you know what you are talking about or not. Almost as if this pattern of thought had its own defense mechanism when exposed to the outside world.
Lupin always felt there is a certain obligation to say he's fine not to worry anymore because, in a twisted way, he always managed to gaslight himself into thinking that he was the author of those feelings. As if he was simply making stuff up in his head. And since he "invented" feeling so dreadful, he could "quit" whenever he wanted. But he was way too high on misery to make good decisions, such as reaching out to Severus, who was sitting just on the other side of the table.
"The moon is on the First Quarter, tell me if you... need anything" Severus offered
The Slytherin was pleased to see something was going on right behind Remus' eyes. Maybe his darkest thoughts were screaming to him to stay silent, but the inner wolf, that one had no problems having his demands being taken care of. Especially by Severus.
"Maybe..." Remus started, touching his neck shyly
"Yes?"
"We could sit closely on the couch for a while" Remus finally said
Severus got up from his chair, quickly casting a spell to pile up the dishes at the sink. He touched Remus' shoulder and offered his hand to him, who accepted it without hesitation.
It was a sweet memory for both of them to hold hands and walk around a place. When they sat side by side, they crossed their fingers together and Remus rested his head on Severus' shoulder.
Severus took the liberty to start caressing Remus' hair on the side with his free hand. Soon, being a little clumsy due to the position. So he turned to the side slightly and changed the hand that they had their fingers crossed, continuing with the care he was giving.
"Wouldn't want to interrupt that" Snape said in a low tone referring to their hands
"Me neither" Lupin whispered back, snuggling more on him
When Snape ran his fingers more on Lupin's back, the werewolf felt some inner agitation unwind. Suddenly, he didn't feel so lost anymore. Snape's embrace never seemed so reassuring to him. He moved his chin slowly to the sides like a pleased wolf, something Lupin never had to be embarrassed about around Snape.
Snape rested his head on the other as well for a while. Lupin was not the only one who had olfactive memory, Severus missed his scent and the soft touch of his hands as well. Unable to resist the temptation, Severus kissed Remus' head, right above his ear.
Lupin could only wish the kiss had been on his skin, suddenly feeling an ache to be kissed further.
"A little lower" Lupin said blushing, not regretting his courage for a single second
Snape smiled to himself briefly and kissed the tip of his ear, soon delivering a very light scratch with his teeth and pressing it between his closed lips for a moment.
"Too low?" Snape asked maliciously, his hot breath reaching Remus
"Not nearly enough" Remus replied in the same tone
None of them could tell who started the kissing, maybe they found each other midway there, the only thing they knew, was how involving it was. They pressed themselves strongly against each other, the rhythm wasn't hectic but certainly wasn't slow. Their hands found the familiar curves they'd had been missing for so long.
Remus moaned on Severus' ear when they were using the full extension of the couch. Severus rested his head on the arm of the sofa and Remus was on the top of him, being kissed on the neck. They started moving to feel each other's volume, now impossible to hide. Severus also started moaning and grabbing Remus with vigor.
Internally, they knew it was maybe too soon to do everything they used to do. They needed something that didn't require preparation, something that showed devotion but also their crude desire.
"I want to make you feel good" Snape said in his ear, starting to work on Lupin's clothes around his waist. "Let me do something for you"
Remus's thoughts were foggy and if before he wasn't entirely sure of what he wanted, now all his being could not wish to be anywhere else. He muttered approving words to Snape, who made them switch positions and quickly took off Remus' clothes.
Snape took his time pleasuring the other, who responded with delightful movements and moans. Snape could never grow tired of having Remus' long fingers on his hair while he went down on him. It was the way Remus' hips moved to meet his lips, how sometimes he tried to muffle some louder moans with his hand, and definitely how his body arched when he climaxed that made Severus love to do him this way.
Severus kissed Remus' inner thighs before laying on top of him. Remus was still catching his breath but he kissed him deeply, visibly satisfied.
"I want to do the same" Remus whispered at him, starting to kiss his neck in a way he knew to be irresistible to Snape
"I'm not sure" Snape said pressing himself involuntarily against the other
"Your body says differently," Remus remarked, a little bit confused
"I want to... only... don't judge me when you see the bruises" Snape said embarrassed
The truth is that his pale skin becomes easily bruised. And the bruises of the impact play he had with Magnus a few weeks prior were still there, all over the front and back of his thighs. They were almost done healing, not being purple anymore, but the yellowish contour still lingered on his white skin.
Snape was brave enough to explore his fetiches in a safe space and with someone who knew what he was doing, but that doesn't mean it was an easy acceptance process for him. Exposing his heavier kinks to someone who didn't have much contact with BDSM made him feel uneasy, even if it was Remus.
Remus muttered something in the lines of "don't worry about it", but Snape could only relax and enjoy after seeing his reaction to his fading marks.
Remus made sure to kiss and stimulate him first, as he usually did, before taking off his clothes. He could tell Severus was nervous about it and seeing him insecure in their intimacy was a new thing. When Remus finally looked at Snape's body, he understood what he was talking about.
The marks were extensive, all healing perfectly well, no cuts or punctures in the skin, but he imagined how they looked when fresh. Remus, seeing Severus was uncharacteristically shy, kissed some of them to show him he was ok with it. The werewolf also kissed his way up again to talk to Severus, which made the man under him tense up.
"You don't ha-" Snape started
"No, no, I want to... I just need to know... If all this was consensual, Sev. You're not going around getting hurt, are you?" Remus said in a low tone to his ears
The werewolf could tell he said the right words because Severus remembered to breathe again. Maybe due to the fact Lupin was on top of him and the bits of pain coming from the contact with his thighs, it triggered some familiar notes of subspace on him.
"It was consensual, all of it" Severus whispered back
"I suspected you were into it, Sev. I just didn't know how much"
Lupin could tell Snape was in a different vibe due to this short conversation. He'd never seen him like that before. He would top him sometimes, but even so, Severus was usually more dominant. Remus decided to kiss the back of his partner's thighs, same way he did in the front. It was visible Severus enjoyed the pain he felt when the bruises were pressed, so Remus did so while teasing him.
Remus also took his time to pleasure Severus. He fingered him and teased until he heard him ask for it. While doing him, Remus went for a stronger pace, following the urgency expressed in Snape's voice. Didn't take long for Remus to taste him and he only stopped when Severus told him to, which was considerably after what his aftermath would be.
The werewolf laid on him again, hearing his raced heartbeats, waiting for anything vocal from him.
"Remus?" Snape said still breathless
"Yes?" he asked
"Thank you"
And that was all he could manage to say. Wasn't a complete subspace experience, but as close he had ever gotten with Remus. And it was quite something. He played him very well purely out of instinct.
They shared some comfortable silence and soon decided to rest. Remus walked slowly when they passed Severus' room, only to be invited to spend the night there with him. Didn't matter on which page of their book they were, they would live it together tonight.