"Go away," I managed to say before the last drops of wine were flushed down the toilet.
I had barely eaten any pasta, and so there wasn't anything left to come back up. I sat down against the wall and put my head in my hands.
What a fucking mess.
The knocking continued as Beth begged me to open the door.
"I'm coming in," the door handle rattled before the room was flooded with light. I hadn't even realized I'd forgotten to turn on the lamp.
Beth crouched down beside me, one hand on my knee, and that's when I could smell it. The lavender. It was as if the scent had entered my blood and was poisoning my body. I pushed her out of my way and took another turn down the toilet. I dry heaved as there wasn't anything left down there.
"I'll get her some water," I heard her whisper before I was left alone with Aaron.
I could feel his eyes on me, I was so aware of him it was ridiculous. Aaron quickly searched through all the cabinets in the bathroom. Finally finding what he was looking for, he carefully pulled my hair from my face and put it up with a hair tie. Why Dave kept those in his bathroom, I didn't want to think about.
"Let's get you home," he said quietly, "can you stand?"
He grabbed my arm with one hand and put the other on my waist. I flinched away from him, pulling my arm out of his grip. My senses were overloaded, all I could smell was that damn lavender. I gagged at the thought of what they must have done to smell exactly the same.
Only when I felt Aaron's hands gently rest on my shoulders did I realize that I was shaking. The room spun as I tried to make everything slow. I felt like a child again, shaking, terrified. The constricted feelings grew, as if I was strangled by just the air around me.
"Deep breaths," he whispered in my ear, "it won't stop unless you breathe."
You don't get to be the one to calm me down, I thought furiously. But my body betrayed me and I could feel the pounding in my head getting fainter and fainter until I couldn't feel it at all. I grabbed a fistfull of his dress shirt as he held me by my shoulders, holding on like he was the only thing keeping me grounded.
"It's alright, you're okay," he ran his hand through my hair and then down my back, it was chilling how soothing it was.
I breathed together with him, matched my shaky breaths with his steady ones. That's what love can do, I guess; fix souls, fix brains, cure us all. However, I didn't want him to fix me, I was already dying. I was only one blow away from breaking, so I knew what I had to do, it was familiar in a way that was traumatic. I swallowed down the pain, ate it up and replaced it with anger, putting on a passive face. I knew where this was headed, and it was nowhere good.
"I don't need your help, Aaron," I snapped, "I'm fine."
He rolled his eyes, "clearly."
I wiggled my way out of his grip and glared at him as I stood up to walk away. I rushed out of the bathroom, ignoring Beth who was coming out of the kitchen with a glass of water in her hand. I pushed the front door open and stalked out of the house.
"Alex, wait!" Aaron yelled after me, "let me at least drive you home."
"No!" I yelled back.
He ran to catch up to me and grabbed me by the wrist, swiftly turning me around and forcing me to face him.
"You can't just run away every time someone tries to help you," his eyebrows were furrowed and I could see the frustration in his eyes.
"Well, you don't get to just swoop in and save the day all the goddamn time," I said through gritted teeth.
His grip on me tightened as he started to walk me to his car. His fingers burned at my skin.
"Don't act like you don't want me to," he defended himself, "don't act like you don't know why."
The heat from his palm creeped into my consciousness and I wanted to pull away. I had gone so long without his touch that I didn't want it anymore, if I couldn't have it all the time then I didn't want it at all. It was an invasion, an unwanted intimacy. He pulled the car door open but I stopped him, ripping my arm out of his hand.
"You only do because you think I can't take care of myself," I sneered. "You think that I depend on you, that I need you," I pointed at him, "and you fucking live for that shit."
He scoffed, "excuse me for trying to help."
"How many times do I have to tell you?" I breathed a sigh of frustration, "if I need your help, I will fucking ask for it."
I turned around and started walking away, he didn't even try to stop me this time. I could hear the sound of the car door being slammed shut as I turned the corner to walk out on the main road.
***
It was 6 A.M and we were sitting at the round table, waiting for Penelope to come and start the briefing. It had been a week since the incident at Dave's house, and I had tried to avoid being alone with Aaron ever since then, it was going well considering he was my boss.
Everyone was occupied getting a head start on the case, reading through the files, except for Morgan, who was home in Chicago for his mom's birthday. Me and Emily, we were playing rock, paper, scissors.
"Okay," I said and turned to face Emily beside me, "if I win, you do my paperwork for this case."
"And if I win," Emily responded, "I get to set you up on a blind date."
I scoffed, "definitely not."
"You gotta get out there," she smiled and nudged my arm, "you barely went on one date in London."
I glanced at Aaron, I wanted to see how he reacted, but he didn't. He seemed completely indifferent, he hadn't even looked up from his file like the rest of the team. I returned my gaze to Emily, tapping my fingers against my thigh.
"Fine," I mumbled.
"Alright, Spencer, you count," Emily said as we got ready.
We put our fists in our palms and glared at each other. Trying to not give anything away, but trying to read each other at the same time.
"Rock, paper, scissors," Spencer said and then paused, "go!"
Now I had his attention. As soon as our hands shifted, I could see Aaron in the corner of my eye. His head nudged and his eyes flickered, it was tiny but he was watching.
My mouth formed an O as I looked down at our hands. Emily had chosen paper and me, I chose scissors. I stood up and high fived Dave who was holding up his hand for me. They all laughed, even Aaron's mouth turned upwards, and for the first time in a long time, we felt like a family again.
"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do it," I grinned and gave the room a bow.
"That is so unfair," Emily complained.
"It was easy, really," I sat down and smiled, "simple math."
"Since when do you know math?" Emily scoffed.
I frowned, "hey, I know math."
She raised her eyebrows, and I looked around the table for some support, but found none.
I sighed, "fine, I had Spencer teach me about probability last night."
"So, you did cheat," Emily rolled her eyes.
"It's not cheating," I defended myself.
"Then what is it?" JJ asked with a grin on her face.
"I call it, using your resources."
"Sorry I'm late," Penelope said as she scurried into the room, "I was getting everyone this."
She smiled brightly as she handed out candy on a string in different colors.
"What is it?" Dave asked as he inspected the string in his hand.
"It's bracelets made of candy," Penelope explained as she sat down.
"We are not five, Garcia," Aaron muttered.
I turned my chair around at the same time as Emily did, we were facing away from the team, whispering to ourselves.
"What did you get?" I asked.
"Blue, you?"
"Red."
"Wanna trade?" She looked at me expectantly.
"Hell yeah," I said and we switched.
Turning back to the team with the candy in our mouths, everyone was staring at us.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, everyone except those two," Aaron rolled his eyes, "Garcia, let's start the briefing."
Penelope was just about to press the buttons on her remote when Aaron's phone went off, he quickly excused himself and took the call in the doorway. Everyone's eyes fell on Dave, if anything was going on, he was the one most likely to know what it was.
"I don't know," he held up his hands in an attempt to prove his innocence.
"The case will have to wait," Aaron sighed as he came back to the table, "we're going to Chicago."
I frowned, "why?"
Aaron put his fingers to his forehead, trying to conceal his frustration, "Derek's been arrested."
"What?" Emily exclaimed, "on what grounds?"
"Homicide," Aaron turned his lips into a thin line, I could see the wheels in his head turning, "wheels up in twenty."
Everybody stood up to leave the room, the files of the double murder left forgotten on the table and, most likely, about to be handed over to another team.
"Agent Blake."
My head turned to the person wanting my attention.
"A word before you leave?" Strauss said in the doorway.
"We only have a few minutes," I tried.
"It won't take long," she assured me.
"Yes, ma'am," I nodded curtly.
I looked at Aaron, meeting his eyes for the first time in what felt like weeks, trying to get a sense of what she wanted to talk about. His eyebrows were furrowed and mouth slightly open, his fingers rubbing against each other at his side. He had no idea.