"There he is, the beloved king of the year, the one who will take anyone to bed as long as they breathe."
I had just arrived. As usual, my friends would gather outside the clubs to complain about being single and resent those who were more successful than them.
But this time I could hear in Moyo an unheard of contempt.
"Hey there! who are you talking about?"
I approach the group.
Moyo doesn't say anything, but points to the most handsome boy on campus.
"What did Sander do to you?"
Moyo looks at me suspiciously
"You know him?"
He's been inhabiting my dreams for a long time.
"Sander? Not in person..."
I just hope I don't show too much of the blush that has suddenly sprung up on my cheeks
"Ah, his half-normal, half-fag fame precedes him..."
Before I could retort to that gigantic nonsense, Moyo walks up to Sander and starts repeating the same things in his face:
The tension is through the roof and they start shoving each other.
"Back off, I'm not interested in your judgments."
"It's not judgments it's the truth."
I approach.
And I get in the way.
"Moyo knock it off. We're here for a party. What's wrong with you tonight?"
"He fucked the girl I liked and then left her for a guy."
"So?"
"So Robbe? That's not normal!"
Enough. I was fed up.
"That's enough, Moyo."
"No, let me vent."
My hand departs without thinking and the punch that lands on Moyo is quite strong and unexpected:
"Now you listen to me: the fact that you couldn't be with that girl has nothing to do with Sander, understand?"
Moyo hits me back:
"You're defending the half-fag and not your friend? Are you from that side too? Or do you go back and forth like him?"
My nose is bleeding but I pretend not to feel the pain.
"I'm defending justice, it has nothing to do with how I feel about him because Moyo..."
I throw myself at him with an anger I've never felt.
"I've been gay all my life, but I've never said it because I have a bunch of obtuse dickheads as friends."
Moyo is clearly stronger than me, and he doesn't stop hitting me until I come out: that's when he seems to wake up, as if having a gay man around is a game changer.
"Robbe."
"You and I are done, I don't want to have friends like that...and now..."
I stand up but I don't know how long I can keep from passing out.
"Leave Sander al..."
I couldn't. I passed out.
I'm not used to fighting. I wake up and it hurts everywhere. The place where I am I don't know, but I don't care, I just want to sleep.
"Robbe, that's your name right?"
I nod.
"Are you thirsty?"
"I throw up if I drink."
"Do you fight a lot?"
I try to open my eyes and see a blurry Sander.
I try to smile at him
"First time ever...are you Sander?"
"Yes I am...You weren't bad for a newbie...however you didn't have to..."
"No, I did have to. I was sick of hearing their talk out of time. I was sick of having to hide, friends aren't like that..."
"Right, but now it's going to take you a few days to recover. Moyo's a jerk but he's also twice your size."
"Bad start as a fighter right? Where am I?"
"At my house, my mother is a doctor and I thought it best to figure out whether or not I should take you to the hospital... your folks have been notified... I think
you will have to spend the vacations here"
The news hits me but I'm not lucid enough to understand exactly what it entailed.
"I'm sorry you have to take me on for Christmas."
"Don't even joke about that and then Robbe...you stood up for me in front of everyone. Take it as a thank you."
The phone rings:
"Robbe it's Jens... He's been calling you for hours...what do you want to do?"
"I'll answer. He's the only decent friend I have."
"Hello?"
"Robbe, how are you? Where are you?"
"I'm pretty sore but nothing broken. I'm safe."
"I'm... sorry"
"Jens, forget about it, we'll talk about it after the vacations."
"Won't I see you during these days?"
"I can't move because of my injuries. And honestly Jens I need time. And I don't know if I'll still feel like seeing or talking to the others."
"I understand... "
"Jens, thank you. I'll talk to you in the next few days."
I throw the phone toward my feet. This situation hurts more than the bruises.
"Robbe, why didn't you tell him you were here?"
"And risk them ruining your Christmas? No."
"Stop thinking about me."
"I haven't done anything else for months. Now can I rest some more?"
I don't know why, but I think I saw him smile.
"Sure."
Had I really been that stupid? Had I really said that thing that I had been holding in with difficulty for months and now it came out like it was the easiest thing in the world? Give me a shovel. I want to bury myself.
Maybe a couple of hours go by and Sander's mom comes in to check on me:
"Robbe how are you?"
"Sore, but the eyes seem less swollen."
Mrs. Driesen holds my head still and checks with some metal objects.
"It really looks like just bruises.... If you want you can try to get up as soon as Sander gets back."
"Where did he go? No sorry, none of my business."
Sander's mom is silent for a minute, she seems to be smiling. Everyone in this house is smiling and I think it's beautiful.
"He went to retrieve your clothes and finish buying Christmas presents."
"The presents! I had to go in the
Afternoon!"
"Robbe, I'll tell you what: if tomorrow
your eyes and legs respond well Sander will accompany you. They are bruises it's true, but they are important bruises: you almost broke yourself in several places."
"Alright, I get it, no more superheroes stuff..."
"That's right. Now rest, it's important. Then I'll check back in and we'll see if you can come down for dinner."
"Wait a minute, I hadn't thought of that but...has it been a whole night already?"
"A whole night and almost a whole day...I'm sure tomorrow will be better."
Robbe doesn't know what to think. Time has decided to move without asking him for an explanation. To the house of the boy he has had an exaggerated crush on for months.
When he wakes up he feels the urge to get up.
"Do you want to try walking?"
Sander. Was he always here with me?
"Yes...do you think it would be possible to walk all the way to the bathroom and maybe wash up a little?"
"I'll see what my mom thinks."
"Would you at least try to get me to the bathroom? I don't know how I've done it so far and I don't want to know, but I'd like to pee myself now."
Sander laughs.
"Whatever. Let me help you."
Sander helps me sit up then sits behind me and hugs me to help me get to my feet.
"Sander... Try to let go of me."
"What if I don't want to?"
I can't pretend he didn't say anything to me. Does he want to hold onto me? No, he's just afraid I'll fall. Yes he does. Handsome and kind. Practically perfect.
"I have to try to walk or I won't be able to come down for dinner. You can hug me later if you want."
Am I really flirting with him? What has gotten into me?
I try to walk and despite the twinges I manage to make it to the bathroom and do what I wished. But I hadn't reckoned on drying off and getting dressed.
"Sander... are you there?"
"Yeah sure."
"I need a hand..."
Sander helps me out of my bathrobe, dries my legs, and helps me get dressed.
He doesn't make any inappropriate jokes, in fact, he acts like a perfect nurse.
"Thank you."
"Do you want to try to get down and eat at the table?"
"Yes, I think if I don't start moving it will be more and more complicated."
Taking the stairs: what does rib pain have to do with taking the stairs?
"Would you... give me a hand, will you?"
"Tell me what to do"
"Just give me your hand."
Sander's hand in mine. Christmas was an underrated holiday.
"We're almost there."
We finish up the stairs but our hands don't decide to pull away. In fact, my thumb begins to lightly and shyly caress the back of Sander's hand.
Until his mother's voice forces us to break the moment.
"Ready to eat?"
"Yes, my stomach is starting to ask for food...thank you."
"Don't mention it, Sander told me what happened...we owe you."
I blush.
"Actually the stupidity of my friend and
Sander's strength to be himself, gave me the strength I needed, even to say who I really am."
Dinner had been perfect, Sander's eyes on me as I tell them about myself made me lose my train of thought several times; I hope they thought these mental lapses were due to Moyo's punches and not to the fact that I'm totally in love with Sander.
But now fatigue is setting in and Sander walks me to the bedroom.
"Sander, is this your bed?"
"Technically yes. But I sleep anywhere don't worry."
"Where exactly do you sleep?"
"Here, next to you..."
"Sitting?"
Sander looks embarrassed.
"Well last night yes. I was definitely anxious about you. But tonight I'm going to make myself a bed."
"No."
"Excuse me?"
"I won't let you sleep on the floor."
"You can't move from there."
He was right.
"I feel bad."
"You don't have to, I'm telling you I sleep everywhere."
I lie down in Sander's bed.
Sander's bed! I hadn't thought of that before. My dream had come true.
Not exactly how I wanted it to but,... let's think about something else. Christmas presents.
Sander brings a mattress and pulls it closer to the bed, sets it up and after several minutes in the bathroom slips under the covers.
When everything is shrouded in darkness I start talking:
"Would you take me to get the presents tomorrow?"
"Yes"
"Sander..."
"Tell me"
"I'm sorry about Moyo."
"Forget it. He's hurt you more than me. In every way."
"Yeah...are you going to spend Christmas with your boyfriend?"
"That depends."
"On me?"
"Good night Robbe."
"Night."
The next afternoon we went downtown together: 30 minute walk, no more.
I only had a few gifts to buy and I was missing the ones for Sander's mom and the one for him of course.
I walk with Sander next to me and then I get the idea. I stop and ask him:
"Would you like something warm to drink?"
"Alright, I'll go get it."
I quickly walk into two stores and get what I needed.
When I come out instead of Sander I find myself in front of Moyo.
I pretend not to see him and walk out of the store.
"Robbe"
I turn around. I'm still furious with him.
"I don't know who you are but if you see my friend tell him if he wants to talk to me it's just to clarify. I'm not the wrong one or the weird one or the not normal one it's you.
I'm just the same old Robbe whether I like boys or not.
And now excuse me but I have to go back in and rest."
I leave, trying to be as quick as possible.
When I meet Sander, he immediately knows something is wrong.
"What happened?"
"Nothing."
Sander blocks my way and forces me with one hand to look him in the eye:
"Robbe no secrets. Not from me."
I take a deep breath.
"I saw Moyo. I think he wanted to talk. I told him when he sees my friend he can tell him I'll only talk if he's ready to clear the air. Maybe he already wanted to."
"Robbe. Listen to me. People like Moyo need time to understand. Maybe he's on the right track, but I don't think he's ready after only 48 hours.
And honestly, neither are you.
You two need time."
"Maybe you're right."
He puts a hand on my shoulder
"Did you get everything?"
"Yes."
"Let's go. Time to get ready for Christmas Eve dinner."
Sander and his mom had also invited my parents, who as they saw me began to worry about the numerous purple spots on my face.
Thank goodness Sander's mom was able to calm them down in a few minutes.
The rest of the evening was perfect.
When my parents get ready to go, they ask me if I wanted to follow them.
Honestly? I could have. Because I was feeling so much better; but I didn't want to leave Sander.
"If you don't mind and it's not a burden on the Driesen family, I'd rather stay: I'm still a little sore, and if anything should happen, I know I'm in good hands here..."
Sander and his mother knew as well as I did that I could go home and I was terrified of their response, which was not long in coming
"You can stay. At least a few more days. I understand it's hard to spend Christmas apart, but you're welcome to stay tomorrow too...what do you say mom?"
Sander's mom's smile can't be described in words, it has to be experienced. Just like her son's. Identical
"Sander is right. Think about it, we are here. Robbe will stay I can say at least until the bruises on his face have healed."
As I greet them, I place a package in Sander's mom's hands:
"Thanks for everything and Merry Christmas."
When she opens it, she's amazed: I think I got the right gift : dozens of tea bags I knew she was fond of, and a gift card for a day at a spa. She deserved it.
She hugs me tight and kisses the top of my head.
"I love to be pampered. How did you do that? "
"Let's just say I'm not a good fighter but I listen carefully. Sander, yours is upstairs do you want to unwrap it here?"
"No let's go upstairs."
When we say goodnight
Sander's mom is still gloating:
When we get to the room I offer my package to Sander:
"I don't know if that's enough...to say thank you."
Inside I had put dark chocolate in cream, chocolates, flavored bars...and inside a coupon for a weekend for two of his choice.
"Robbe...are you crazy? This is too much..."
"You said spending Christmas with your boyfriend depended on something...considering he wasn't here tonight, I thought I'd give you the time I stole from you..."
I don't say this in an enthusiastic voice. In fact saying it annoys me a little.
Sander reaches over and gently pushes me toward the bed.
I lose my balance and sit up.
"You are a good listener, but sometimes you just don't want to understand. I don't have a boyfriend, but it's true that I left that girl for a guy I really like."
As he says this he hands me a package.
It is A small cube, wrapped in gold paper.
Inside is a necklace also gold, with a pendant on which an angel was depicted; behind it the words "you are my angel".
"Sander..."
Sander sits down next to me and then picks me up and makes me sit on him:
He wraps his warm hands around my face, warms my heart with his eyes, and ties me to him with a kiss. The most beautiful kiss in the history of kisses.
"Now do you understand?"
I keep my eyes closed to try and contain the tears of happiness that are streaming down my face anyway.
"Crystal clear. but can we keep kissing now? "
"Your wish is my command."
Sander and I. Sander and I. I couldn't believe it. I had gotten beyond the seventh heaven.
"Tonight you sleep here" and I tap one hand on the bed mattress.
"Robbe...."
"Look, if we spoon we're in."
Sander smiles and sighs:
"You win baby."
The night goes by like that, with Sander holding me close.
"I've liked you for a long time and I never even noticed you noticed my existence."
"Oh Robbe... I've been watching you for months too... only I've been doing it discreetly..."
"Are you saying I haven't been discreet?"
"No robbe, you weren't discreet...even in front of Moyo's idiocy you didn't notice but you said you liked me."
I turn around. Goodbye spoon.
"Really?"
"My word."
"What a shame... "
I hide on Sander's chest
"But why? It was the sweetest, bravest trial of love ever."
"It could have been even more romantic"
"I liked it a lot. Because it was spontaneous, Robbe style"
"And if I hadn't said it, how would you have let me know?"
Sander turns on the light and gets out of bed.
He picks up a journal and offers it to me:
Inside sketches and drawings of us holding hands and kissing. And then phrases and quotes from songs
At the bottom, the incipit of a letter:
"Dear Robbe..."
Sander comes back next to me and takes my hand and begins:
"Dear Robbe, the first time I saw you it was spring, a cloudless day, and in the air a scent of flowers.
I was waiting for my girlfriend, you were with your friends.
You looked my way for a few seconds, but since then your gaze has never left me: destiny often brought us together, but I felt that the right moment had not yet arrived.
Then I realized that you were also looking for me in the crowd, checking to see if I was there..."
Sander rests his forehead against mine:
"I had to do something. I'm leaving the girl, and I'm looking for a way to talk to you, to be close to you, to brush up against you... I had decided to try to do these things during that Christmas party but then things went differently..."
We look at each other. By now words are no longer necessary: we touch hands, our fingers search for each other... and then our lips that for so long have only imagined what it would be like to touch them... finally there's no need to even
need to imagine it. Everything is real, beautiful and real.
"Sander... How much time I've spent wanting you..."
" Don't stop doing it Robbe."
He says with his eyes half-closed
"We never stop desiring each other, and...."
"And...?"
"Listen to our hearts...what do you say?"
This time it's my turn. My turn to say the best thing about that eve and say it to my favorite person.
I rest my ear on his chest, then stand up and face the pristine sea that are his eyes:
"I think the time of liking you and talking how beautiful you are is already over: I'm sure the time has already come to tell you how much love my heart feels for you. And it is the most important and beautiful love in the history of love stories."
"You know how to leave me speechless and I assure you that it's not easy at all Robbe.
You're right. And I'll tell you more."
"What?"
"Merry Christmas, my love."
I don't know if it was snowing outside. But in there in that room, hugging Sander, in the warmth of his arms and the little lights twisted everywhere, the miracle of Christmas had been fulfilled.