I didn't speak for days.
I didn't have the energy to.
Blaise was like a ghost. Wouldn't look at me, wouldn't speak to me. He was practically gone.
But Draco wasn't.
No matter where I looked, it was as if he were watching. Waiting. He tried to be discreet about it, of course, but every once in a while I'd catch him staring hopelessly at me, waiting for me to change my mind and tell him everything was okay.
I wouldn't.
It was so much worse than wanting something and not being able to have it, because I could have Draco, if I so chose. I did have him. But I chose to let him go, to prove a point.
If that didn't say anything about my stubbornness, I didn't know what would.
Luna tried to contact me endlessly, but I would just smile apologetically before turning away and letting my face return to its empty state. I wasn't empty- I was teeming with rage, and hurt- but I didn't want anybody to know that. And no one seemed to notice.
Except George.
We'd cross paths every once in a while, in between classes. I wouldn't be caught dead in the Great Hall- if I had the option to avoid Draco, I would do it in a heartbeat.
It hurt too much to be near him.
But every time I saw George, Katie Bell would be looming somewhere nearby. It was just another reminder that even if I did seek solace from the one other person who understood me fully, it would be corrupted.
That was, until he came banging on my door at midnight.
He burst through after four knocks, and I struggled to draw my attention from the window. I could barely focus my eyes- I'd been staring at it for at least an hour.
He seemed flustered. As if he'd had this great plan to swoop in and save the day, but didn't quite know how to execute it. But that was George. Impulsive, and a non-planner.
"You're.. doing nothing," he stated, but it sounded like more of a question. I blinked, and he scratched the back of his neck. "I figured you'd be reading, or doing something.. smart." Maybe he didn't know me all that well.
"I'm not one for reading these days," I said, my voice scratchy. I hadn't spoken other than answering questions in class since..
I hadn't spoken.
He scoffed, seating himself at the foot of my bed.
"Where's the real Lilith, and what have you done with her?" He interrogated playfully. I tried to smile, but it came as more of a grimace. His mouth curved downward.
"What's going on with you? No one's heard from you in days." I ran my hand against the cool quilt. The weather had begun to warm up slightly, but it was still freezing.
"Nothing," I murmured, staring at my fingers.
"Is it to do with Draco?" He asked, and I flinched at the cruel reminder. He sighed, shifting in his spot. "You know, you can always talk to me about-"
"Oh, please," I retorted, rolling my eyes. "I know the last thing you want to do is talk boy problems with me, of all people."
"Come on, Lily." I felt a pang in my chest at hearing the name Dra- he, so often called me. "We both know we're above that. We're friends- we used to be best friends. I'm over it, truly," he said sincerely, looking into my eyes. It was still odd to be around him and not be- well, together. I didn't have the urge to, of course. I was consumed with thoughts of.. him.
"Right. Katie. How is she?" I asked, willing myself to maintain eye contact, though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I longed to stare into the darkness, or at the Grindylows playing aggressively in the lake.
"She's fine," he rushed out. "You're not." I sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
"We broke up." His brows furrowed.
"Already?" I glared at him, and he raised his hands innocently. "Sorry, I just mean- it's only been a week. What happened, if you don't mind me asking?" I bit my lip, debating on whether or not I wanted to talk about it. But George deserved my honesty. He was only trying to help.
"Um- some.. stuff," my voice dropped on the word, "happened with Blaise. Dra- he got jealous,we got into it. Somehow, we ended up on the topic of what's wrong and what's right. Essentially, I broke it off because he wasn't on the right side," I struggled to explain, my voice coming out at different pitches on occasion due to not having used it in so long. He pulled a face.
"Lilith, that's stupid," he deadpanned, and I scoffed. "You guys are bound to have different opinions on things- you can't just break up because he doesn't agree with you. Besides, it seems jealousy is normal- you guys just got together. Hell, I was jealous of him, so I really can't blame the bloke," he shrugged casually.
"But this is something that matters to me! You don't even know what it is, he-"
"It doesn't matter. If it's important to you, it's probably important to him, too. Like Katie and I- she supports the Bulgarian Quidditch team, and I support the Irish. I'm not going to break up with her for it. Though I have considered it-" I looked to the ceiling in annoyance.
"George," I snapped, pulling him from his distractive nature. "It's a bit more serious, this," I eyed him warily.
"I can imagine," he said, his face darkening. Though we didn't see eye to eye on everything, I knew he understood what I'd implied. "And though that is something that may cause problems down the line, you can't let it get in the way of your happiness. You can't let you get in the way of your happiness," he tacked on, jabbing a finger into my sternum. I pulled away, affronted.
"Yeah, that's right. You're sabotaging this. You've finally got what you wanted-" I began to argue, but he silenced me. "You have. And you're too scared that it's not real, or that it won't last. So you're trying to ruin it before anything else has a chance to. You're fifteen, Lilith," he leaned in, with new intensity in his words. "Enjoy yourself. Live your life. Let things happen. Not everything is life or death." I pursed my lips pensively.
Somehow, he'd turned my own words against me, without even knowing I'd said anything of that nature.
That had to be a sign of some sort.
"You really think I shouldn't be upset about it?" I asked quietly. He snorted.
"Of course not. You have every right to be upset. But you can't punish him for his opinions. It's simply not your place. The universe will right itself, and hopefully by then, he'll have chosen a different path," he said sagely, leaning back onto his elbows. I smiled softly to myself.
"When'd you get so smart, George?" He grinned.
"Whenever you got so stupid." I pushed his elbow, causing him to fall onto his back as we laughed together.
"I missed your laugh," he said through his own, and the room seemed to sober up. His eyes widened, and he sat up. My lips parted.
"George, I'm-"
"No, no! You misunderstand. I just mean, as a friend. I really miss my friend, is all," he corrected himself, and the smile made its way back to my lips.
"I miss you too, Georgie." His eyes returned to normal before narrowing.
"You need to talk to Luna," he said seriously, and I sighed.
"I know. I shouldn't ignore her. I just always isolate myself when I'm upset for some reason," I exhaled, rubbing my eyes.
"Yeah, no kidding. Probably because you're scared to hurt other people. You know, 'cause you're upset, and when you get upset your powers flare up." I removed my hands slowly and stared at the distracted boy, who was trying desperately to whistle, which wasn't working out well.
"That's actually right," I realized aloud. I knew my powers correlated to my emotions, but I didn't realize how it was affecting my relationships. I'd always pushed people away, and I thought it was selfish. And it was, don't get me wrong- but only because I hadn't been strong enough to control myself. I was only pushing them away to protect them. But I was stronger now.
"Yeah, that's probably why I'm top of my class," he said smugly. I raised my eyebrows.
"How's Transfiguration going?" His eyes rounded and he stood up immediately.
"Really, really excellent. I've got to run. I'll see you later, Lilith," he rushed out, and I laughed, shaking my head. I heard the door open, but it didn't click shut.
"Hey, Lily?" He asked in a small voice, and I looked up at him. He swallowed.
"Don't forget me again." I inhaled sharply, and felt the cold air burn in my throat. I shook it off with a smile.
"'Course not, Georgie. You're my best friend. I could never forget you," I promised, and he smiled softly before shutting the door behind him.
I guess pushing people away hadn't been protecting anyone.
I needed to do better.
I stood up, stepped into a pair of slippers, and marched out of the room in my pajamas. I didn't even bother to check myself in the mirror before leaving, though I definitely should have.
I marched all the way to Draco's room, and opened the door without knocking.
He was staring into the lake, just as I had been for days. The noise startled him, and he recoiled into himself, pulling his blanket up to his chin before he realized it was me.
"Lily," he breathed, but didn't move from his spot. He wasn't sure what I wanted, and didn't want to get his hopes up preemptively. It felt like all the tension in my body relieved itself at seeing his curled form. I'd missed looking into those hazy gray eyes.
Without thinking, I practically threw myself on top of him, snaking my arms around his waist. He was surprised, at first, but wrapped his arms protectively around my shoulders, pressing his cheek against mine.
"I was wrong," I whispered, not letting go of him. "I can live with your choices, but I can't live without you." His breaths were ragged against my cheek.
"No, Lily. You weren't. And if you'll have me, I would trade sides in a heartbeat. For you. I shouldn't have even thought about it, there was never another option." I lifted my face, locking eyes with him.
"Really?" My voice broke, but I tried to mask it. He nodded fervently, and I was happy. But after a moment, I realized it was for all the wrong reasons.
"No," I shook my head, wiping under my eye, and he furrowed his brows deeply. "I can't ask you to do that."
"You don't have to, Lily-"
"No," I said definitively this time, setting my foot down. "I can't ask you, or expect you to do that for me. You should make compromises in a relationship, but they shouldn't have to be that big. I know what kind of danger that puts you in with your family, and I would never place you in a position to be hurt." He frowned.
"But Lilith, I want to protect you," he insisted, and I smiled weakly.
"You can't be on the right side if it's for the wrong reasons, Draco," I said sadly, gently grazing my thumb over his prominent cheekbone. He looked up at me guiltily.
"I'm sorry," was all he could manage.
"Don't be. We'll learn to get through it," I said confidently, though I wasn't- not completely.
But we'd try.
"Alright," he whispered, closing his eyes. I could tell he had more to say, but he chose to refrain.
It was a good choice.
He leaned into my cupped hand, relishing in the affection, as if he wouldn't receive it again.
"I've missed you," my voice quivered, and his lips turned downward as he pulled me close to him again, laying me beside him this time.
"Darling," he murmured into my ear, sending a ripple of chills through my body. "I've been with you all the time."
"I know," I chuckled. "You never stopped staring." He blushed profusely, but tried to pass it off as irritation.
"Well, you know, I-" he stammered. "Stop laughing. I mean it. Someone had to watch out for you," he said with a scowl.
"And I'm not capable of that?"
"You couldn't even speak," he mumbled, and my smile fell. "Speaking of- what changed your mind?" I gulped, looking down at his long, delicate fingers which curved themselves around my wrist.
"Uh, George, actually." His gaze hardened. "He.. helped me out."
"Right," he muttered through gritted teeth. "And just how did he help you?"
"Well, he practically burst into my dorm and told me I was being stupid." I felt his grip on my forearm tighten. "He surprised me, actually. I expected him to agree with me, but he said I shouldn't let my personal opinions get in the way of our relationship. Even if the opinions vary so strongly," I looked up at him nervously, and his face had softened.
"Oh," he said, looking a bit confused. "Wait, you didn't tell him about-"
"No, I didn't," I assured him, "but it wasn't hard to guess, if I'm being honest." He bit his lip.
"I just- there are certain things that are expected of me- I could be disowned, Lilith. Or worse," he said in a small voice, but the last two words seemed to stain the air with an inescapable sense of dread.
"I know. And I understand that, now," I said, looking down. "I just have this feeling- like something bad is going to happen. Oh!" I exclaimed, sitting up straight, and he suddenly looked alert as ever.
"I can't believe I forgot," I shook my head, trying to keep the memory as intact as possible. "The other night, I overheard Moody and Snape talking," Draco averted his eyes, but I ignored it. "They were talking about a task- something about it being taken care of, and how it'd be both their heads if the arrangements were unsuccessful. Does that ring a bell to you at all?" He knit his eyebrows.
"No, I'm afraid it doesn't. But what task?" He asked, looking to me for an answer. I had nothing concrete.
"I'm not sure. Maybe the third task of the Tournament?" I suggested, and his face paled.
"Draco, are you alright?" I asked worriedly, and he smiled weakly, nodding.
"I'm fine. Maybe you should tell-" he cleared his throat loudly, "Harry." He spat out the word, as if it were poison on his tongue. I was surprised. I'd never expected him to do or say anything that would help Harry in any way, especially after the fight.
"Yeah, I suppose I should," I mumbled, but I was still struck at his thoughtfulness. I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but it was- at least for him. And he seemed to sense that.
"You know I don't actually hate the guy, right?" He asked, and I turned towards him with an arched brow. He pressed his lips into a thin line.
"In first year, I.. was actually quite excited to meet him. We first met in Madame Maulkin's. And I totally bungled it. I was so obsessed with blood status that I didn't even stop to think, and before I knew it, I'd lost my chance to make a friend." His words were forlorn, and his eyes drifted as if he were stuck in the memory. He shook his head to escape it.
"I had no idea," I remarked quietly, and he nodded.
"I'm proud to be a Slytherin- I loathe Gryffindors. But part of me always wished I'd chosen differently. Maybe then.. no. It doesn't matter. I'm fine where I am." I pursed my lips pensively.
"I bet if you apologized, he might let you start over," I offered, and he snorted.
"After breaking his nose? Nah, I don't think he would."
I guess we'd see.
"Come on, it's late. I'll walk you back to your dorm," he said, offering me his hand. I took it, but held it close to my chest. He tilted his head apprehensively.
"I thought, maybe- maybe I could stay here. For tonight," I mumbled, and a small smile grew on his face before he settled in beside me. I buried my face in his shoulder, ashamed at my brazenness.
"I'm scared of losing you again," I said, the words muffled by the smooth, pale skin of his bare arms. He rubbed my back soothingly.
"I'm right here, love. As long as you want me, I'll always be here."
I drifted into a dreamless sleep, listening only to the sound of his even breaths.