♪I get so lonely I forget
what I'm worth
We get so lonely we pretend
that it's worse♪
Drew Barrymore by SZA
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"You're telling me, this asshole has to stay with me?"
James laughs a bit under his breath, "I'm sorry, honeybun. There was a cancellation and he lost his room. It would only be for a couple of days, I have sent him your number so you guys can exchange the details. And know I owe you one. Look on the bright side, this will give you guys a chance to get to know each other before the main event."
After our meeting, the board gave their resounding approval. All efforts for the last couple of weeks have been for the show. Sin City is reeling and preparing while the world waits. Subscriptions have been flying in nonstop and Envy and Adonis have been on every feed online. It is intimidating, to say the least, knowing all these people are waiting and watching for what comes next. Everyone is eager to see Sin City's newest segment,
The God & The Sin
A worried sigh leaves me, I can feel my anxiety increasing, it is different when we are in a building or outside. He is going to be in my home, in my space. I am the master of all things here and now he is being thrown into it. It makes me feel vulnerable, something I hate. Before we have even done our show, things are changing.
I don't like the idea of him seeing this part of me, the Celeste he didn't meet that afternoon. He will get a look at my real life. Not only that, I didn't expect to see him so soon after our first meeting. It was so tense after we finished that I felt like I was seconds from bursting. His eyes on me and I was hypnotized by the great Adonis. As soon as the papers were signed, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Luckily, I had my Uber outside before Adonis was able to confront me and was out of the building before he could try.
His expressive eyes still have me reeling, how much control he had with just one look. Adonis couldn't keep his eyes away and I couldn't either, a ticking time bomb about to explode. I didn't want to see what would happen if I stayed any longer.
But now I'm fucked because he's about to be in my house. It's been two weeks since we have been in contact, working to set everything up for the big night. It has been a blessing, forgetting about Adonis's dark eyes and his hands on my skin. The prick has been torturing me for weeks.
After getting the rest of the details from James, I hang up the phone and look over my mostly clean apartment. The living room consists of a full grey couch and beige loveseat across from it with a snow-white area rug. There aren't many pictures up, mostly artwork from local artists and the front door lays behind the kitchen near the front door. One thing I love is the marbled white kitchen and stainless steel appliances, even if I am all alone there is room for everything.
The bedrooms are spacious, one being mine with soft pink sheets and white fixings, the other bedroom is where I entertain. Bad thoughts begin to conjure but I force them away and move down the hall to the third bedroom. It is smaller than the others with a dark blue queen bed and chestnut dressers.
I can't remember the last time I was in here and set to opening the windows and letting the light in. The heavy feeling in my chest annoys me further, wishing the asshole didn't have to stay here. In my space. The rest of the day is spent preparing for Adonis's arrival and setting up the equipment that was gifted to me by management.
This is going to be the show of the year.
There have been no stops from answering to press, interviews, even a photoshoot have all occurred to get the word out. It is annoying but I can't say it doesn't work. Thousands have been subscribing every day and we have branched across all social media platforms.
Everyone is eagerly waiting to watch me get deflowered.
It does go to show that above all else, desire carries. Behind that mask we let people see every day, the good person we try to pretend we are. Behind all of that, we are just lust. Unfulfilled desires and secrets we wish we could share. I think that is why so many are called to Sin City, the land of sinners.
They get a chance to be their true authentic self. Not the person their parents forced them to be and the character society likes. We all live behind screens wishing we were someone else. For a couple of hours, in a dark room, we love ourselves. We want without shame or guilt.
It is powerful.
To find a space where you are allowed to live as you are.
No more masks, games, or characters. I am Envy and you are you. And it's perfect. Well as close to perfect because when the lights turn on and our screens go off, we have to sit back and look at ourselves.
When you look in the mirror, do you like who you see staring back?
I'm dressed and ready to meet him, feeling naked without my mask on as I tuck it away in my drawer. I can't remember the last time I took a good look at myself, it has become a ritual to avoid looking at myself in mirrors. My dark curly hair drapes down my back, ending at my shoulder blades in tight curls and matching my brown eyes.
They look bland, nothing stands out about them. My upturned eyes rest under angled brows, touched up with winged eyeliner. My lips are thick, always the center of my face and the first thing people look at. It was something I hated growing up but like everything else, now it is suddenly a trend for others.
I don't feel like there is anything special about me.
To me, I am Cinderella without the transformation, doomed to spend the rest of my life cleaning up after my evil stepsisters. Family drama and distant parental figures made it impossible to see my life as anything more. It is why I left my home town, too many bad memories. It took me a long time to find a part of me that I liked.
In high school, I didn't know how to style my hair due to heat damage and lack of knowledge. I had acne, braces, and a crooked smile. All of that summed up to very low self-esteem and little to no knowledge about the opposite sex.
I didn't mind it much, my head buried in books and spending my Friday nights waiting for grades to be posted. My life had consisted of small insignificant things. I found things to occupy my time and keep my mind off of the ache in my chest. The loneliness that had been with me most of life.
By the time college came around, I knew how to do my hair, braces were off, and the preteen acne went away. I discovered I had a body, one that I should take care of. So now and then, a cute boy would draw my attention and I would remember the ache in my chest. I would take a leap only to eventually be forgotten.
I wasn't used to people wanting me, ever.
Which is why I can't get my mind off of Adonis's eyes, his hard body beneath me, how easily he agreed to the show. Wanting me completely right there at that moment as badly as I wanted him. But I remind myself that he wants Envy, the temptress, it is always the Cam Girl they come for.
I throw my apartment door open and stare up at the man at the door, my nerves shot and hands clenched at my sides. Adonis fills in the entire doorway, looking down at and I want to smack the smirk right off his face. He knows I don't want him here.
Ducking to enter my apartment, everything suddenly feels so much smaller than before. I take a step back to let him in, eyes trailing down his black shirt and jeans over his wide, muscular body. His arm span is probably longer than my couch and I am swarmed with the idea of how easily he could crush me. Shit, that shouldn't turn me on.
He steps into my apartment, his head over mine as he slowly takes in my place. Not saying a thing, no hello, no how are you. It makes me feel uncomfortable as if he is judging every inch of my space. When he finally looks away from his surveillance I am fuming,
"What's that look for?" I snap, hating his scrutiny of my apartment.
"Guess I expected a bit more," Do not do anything rash, you are too young to go to prison. I am fighting everything in me that wants to knock his teeth out. He just stepped in and he is already being disrespectful. I spent the better part of the day making everything presentable and nice and now he's over here spiting on my hard work. Like I said before, fucking asshole.
"But then again, you're getting fucked on camera for money," Adonis shrugs, throwing his bag down on my couch and I glower at him. Not even a greeting and he immediately starts this shit with me. But right now I have time to deal with his bullshit.
"You're a real piece of shit, you know that right?" He matches my glare but it doesn't stop me, "To think the man I'm about to lose my virginity to is a fucking asshole. But then again, you're the one fucking me on camera for money. Guess we both expected more."
His eyes flash, "Don't start something you can't finish," His threat strikes something deep inside me, despite my anger I feel myself getting wet at his tone. I won't admit that there isn't a big part of me that likes arguing with him. Wanting to be degraded and used by him but also do it to him myself.
"I should be telling you the same," His fire meets mine and I can see the slight shift to him, the line between love and hate so thin. In this case, lust. It's been two weeks but still one look from him and I want him to throw me over my couch and have his way with me. Adonis has the same look but I know that if we start anything I won't have the will to stop.
Taking the best route, I turn around and pick up his heavy-ass bag and throw it on the floor, "I should make you sleep on the floor like a dog but I am deciding to be generous." I drag his bag across the floor not waiting for him to follow and open the guest door for him. His heavy steps let me know that he is following and I put his bag inside and turn to him.
Those same stupid eyes take in the room and I push past him already knowing I'm going to need a drink. The hallway opens and I enter my kitchen grabbing my scotch from below the counter and pouring myself a small glass. Throwing it back, I open my eyes to see Adonis standing and watching me.
"Hmm I thought you were too young to drink," He walks towards the seats and sits across from me and I decide I am going to need to have another glass if I have to stay with him for a whole weekend. I deserve it for not killing him already.
"I'm 21, old man," My retort makes him glare.
"I'm 28, not old man," Adonis snaps and I hold my hands up, "Damn, grandpa, hold your horses." He's as frustrated as I am, running a hand over his face and I play with one of the twists my hair is in. He reaches for the scotch about to pour himself a glass and I smack his hand away.
I decide it is best to lay it all down, "Let me set some ground rules since you are walking into my space acting like you own shit." I point to him, "You are a guest and I am trying to be a kind host but you are testing me. You are here for three days, we do the rest of the set up and then our show. I am hoping that we can both make it out alive after that." I take another sip of the liquor, letting it settle on the countertop.
"You keep to your room and I keep to mine, we meet if we have to, you are allowed to eat whatever is here but I do like to eat so make sure you are considerate. I will also allow you to use my bathroom so you don't piss on my floor like a dog."
Adonis's temper flares and I bite my lips, laughing under my breath and turning away to open my fridge. Turning my back to him only makes it worse and I feel his presence loom behind me.
"Let's get this clear," Suddenly, I'm grabbed by him, his hand firm on my chin so I'm forced to look up at him. His body heat overwhelms, not used to being so close to someone especially the opposite sex,
"This is business, I didn't want to be here until the day of the show but sadly that didn't work out. Now I am stuck here, deal with it, I don't want to spend the whole weekend listening to you bitch and moan." I grab his wrist to throw him off of me but he just tightens his grip, pushing me up against the fridge. The action leaves me panting already and Adonis sees it, and he laughs at me. Chuckling at the reaction I have to him being this close.
Two weeks meant nothing, it feels like he never left.
"Hmm, you act so differently from the girl I met in that board meeting. I must be meeting the real you now, the pent-up little virgin," Frustrated, I push at his shoulders but it doesn't work when his other hand pins my arm down against my side. He's too close. My breasts are smashed against his chest, his leg in between mine, and I fight everything in me that wants to grind down on him to relieve the ache.
"Must have been hell, playing for all those boys and never having the real thing. Never getting a taste of what it really feels like." Adonis leans in close so his lips are against my ear, a shudder running down my skin, I'm fighting everything within me that wants to break. He kicks my legs further apart and that's when I feel all of him. Hard as a rock against my flesh. Why the hell did I wear a dress again, God have mercy.
"This night will make us both a hell of a lot of money. Professionally, this is great for us even if I can't stand you." His erection nudges my clit and I hold back a cry. "When we fuck, there will be no feelings, I don't need you getting attached to me. I am tolerating you because this is a job. I fuck you, I leave, we get our checks and we don't have to see each other again, capisce?"
I jerk my head away, assaulted with his teeth biting into my ear, the pain makes me squeeze his leg with my thighs. Both of us panting against each other, I wonder how different everything would be if there wasn't so much at stake.
"Get off me," I don't like this feeling, one touch sets me on fire and a part of me wants to beg him to put me out. "Once I see that you understand," Adonis chuckles when I struggle against him, "You are making this much harder."
It's my turn to laugh, "Yeah I can feel it, asshole," His erection is digging into me as we speak, evidence of just how much I am getting to him. "You think you are the boss around here but we both know you want this more than you are letting on." I can see it even after this short time together, he is more similar to me than I like. Always wanting to be in control, loose lips, and bad temper. My dislike grows but even with that, I want him more.
I knew it even then, he was going to tear my world apart.
Adonis is all fire and ice, either way, you get burned. He doesn't like me, he also doesn't like what I can do to him. It is the same for me. It is the first time in my life that I meet someone like me. We are both on an even playing field meeting our match.
We stare at one another wondering who will be the first one to break.