Tessa's POV:
I faintly hear a beeping noise as I start to come to. I don't understand what is happening. Last I remember was..... oh god. I was in the bath tub and I took my razor blade. I had cut myself. There was blood, loud noises and then darkness. Now I'm hearing beeping and I feel tired. I feel pain on both my arms. Ohh no I'm alive. I didn't die. I didn't succeed. I failed. Again.
I'm feeling confused. Scared. I wanted to die but now I just don't know. I feel like a failure in so many ways. I wait a few more moments before I decide I should force my eyes open.
I open my eyes and I see Leo holding my hand on my right side. His head is on the hospital bed I'm laying in. He looks extremely uncomfortable. Only he is in the room. I feel a little relieved. If all my brothers were in the room at this moment I would definitely feel overwhelmed.
I feel tears fall down my face and realize I'm crying. I've let Leo down yet again. I notice he starts to stir and he lifts his head. Brushing his hand down his face. He looks exhausted. He looks my way and realizes I'm awake.
Leo: "Tessa. Oh thank god. You're awake!"
Tessa: "I'm sorry Leo" I look down at my hands like they are the most fascinating things to look at in this moment.
The tears continuously pouring down my face.
He brings his hands up and softly brushes them away.
Leo: "no Tessa. Don't be sorry right now bambina. It's okay. Everything will be okay. I promise I'm here for you."
He moves closer to me and I wrap my arms around his torso and w another just sit there while he holds me.
After a few minutes he lets go of me and sits back down while still holding my hand.
Leo: "Tessa, you are my world. You're all of ours. You are the one person who can make me laugh and smile in any situation. I love you so much bambina. Everything I do, I do for you. I can't live in a world without you Tessa. You're not a burden. You have never been a burden. I've never regretted a single moment spent with you. My only regret is that I couldn't get custody over you sooner. Tessa please don't ever feel like we don't want you or that we would be better off because we wouldn't be. We need you in our lives Tessa. I need you!"
I'm confused about how to feel. Is he saying this because I'm in a hospital be done does he actually love me.
Leo: "of course it's because I love you Tessa!"
Damnit. I said my thoughts out loud again.
Tessa: "I'm sorry Leo. I didn't know what else to do. Everything has been going so horribly wrong. And I feel like it's all my fault. I didn't know what else to do."
Leo: "I understand it felt like the only way out for Tesoro. But it isn't. I will always be there for you. I know you've been through a lot but I also know that you are the strongest and bravest girl I have ever met. You have fought through so much trauma Tessa. You can't give up know. I know about the bullying and I know how much you must've been hurting when you saw Jaxon walking out with Candy. Trust me when I saw it'll all be taken care of. But you Tessa are not a burden. Why didn't you come to me or Cole, lijah or Jax?"
Tessa: "I was afraid to. I'm sorry Leo. I just thought it would be easier if I wasn't around for you guys. I've been so scared and sad lately. I just didn't want to give you another reason to worry about me and you've been so stressed. I didn't want to make it worse for you."
Leo: "sweetheart. It's my job to worry about you and you're brothers. I will always worry about you. It comes with being a big brother. But you could never stress me out Tess."
Tessa: "I wanted to die Leo. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to die though. I really don't. I don't want to leave you guys. I'm so sorry I did this Leo. I'm so confused and scared. I don't know what to do or feel anymore."
Leo: "it's okay to feel this way bambina. Just know that I am always here for you. So are you're other brothers and Cora. We will always be here for you. Every step of the way. No matter how difficult times get. We will always be here with you. You're gonna start seeing your therapist again at least 2-3 times a week and we're gonna talk about possible medication options."
Tessa: "okay. I can do that Leo. I'm sorry."
Leo: "stop saying sorry. You never have to apologize for feeling this way. But you have to understand now all of us will be watching you like a hawk. Haha. But I'm serious. You won't be left alone until I can trust that you won't do this again. I know you don't want to but I also know how your emotions can mess with yourself mindset. I don't want you to fight this battle alone. And you won't. Not ever."
Tessa: "thank you. I love you too Leo"
The doctor walked in shortly after to check on me and it looks like I'll be able to be discharged tonight. They had to have a psychiatrist speak with me to make sure I was safe and that I didn't want to still kill myself. Leo stayed the whole time in the room with me holding my hand. I told her what I told him. I wanted to die in that moment bu to don't anymore. Not after what Leo and I talked about.
Leo walked me out to the car. Apparently he had Cole drive the boys home last night. He held my hand the entire time and even on the car ride home. We pulled into the driveway.
Tessa: "do they hate me"
Leo: "do who hate you Tess?"
Tessa: "Cole, lijah and Jax. Do they hate me for what I did?"
Leo: "never. They could never hate you. They love you so much. They were scared and worried that we all lost you. But they don't hate you. They're not mad either. So let's head inside because I know they're all anxiously awaiting your arrival."
We walked inside and I was instantly engulfed by a giant hug. It was lijah. He put me down and kissed my head.
Lijah: "welcome home Tess"
Jaxon: "hey Tessa"
Jaxon stool awkwardly behind lijah a few feet awake. He looked miserable and I can help but feel guilty. I rush out of Liam's arms and wrap my arms around Jaxon and held onto him tightly.
He followed suit and hugged me back. Both of us afraid to let go. Cole came over and put his hands on my shoulders and then hugged me.
Leo: "Tessa I'm gonna put your stuff upstairs. You're gonna sleep with Cole tonight"
I had a feeling they wouldn't let me out of their sight after Leo told me I wouldn't be left alone but I wasn't sure about sleep. I'm kinda happy about it. Maybe I'll sleep better. I always feel safer at night with my brothers.
Cole made me some soup then I washed up before changing into my pjs. Cole walked me up to his room and he changed into his pajamas as well.
Cole: "it's getting late principessa. Time for bed"
I climbed into his bed and tucked me in. He came around the other side of the bed and climbed in himself. After about ten minutes I was feeling very guilty and scared. I was feeling scared of myself. I toss and turned for a few more minutes when I finally decided to speak up.
Tessa: "Cole. Are you awake"
Cole: "ya I'm up. Everything okay?"
Tessa: "no.... I'm not okay Cole. I'm scared...." I spoke to him with a slight stutter.
He moves closer to me and wraps me up in his arms.
Cole: "don't be scared Tess. I won't let anything happen to you. You're safe here. You're safe right now. In this moment nothing can hurt you. I know your head is racing with thoughts but just focus on my voice. Focus on my breaths."
Tessa: "I just don't know how to feel right now Cole and that's what's scaring me"
Cole: "right now you're safe. Allow yourself to feel safe and love sun this moment Tessa because right now nobody loves you more then me. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying her with you all night. I won't leave you alone. I'm here to fight this battle with you."
Tessa: "thank you Cole."
Cole: " I love you my sweet girl"
Tessa: "I love you to big bro. Thank you for not giving up on me"
Cole: "I will never give up on you. Never. Now get some sleep mi amore. I'll be right here"
Coles POV:
After about five more minutes I feel Tessa completely relax and hear her light snores. She's sleeping. I have my arms wrapped around her. I'm so grateful she's alive and okay. I love my baby sister more then anything. When I saw her in the bath tub and all bloody. I thought I was dying. I felt like I was dragged down to hell. When I asked if she was okay just now I thought she'd answer with her normal "I'm fine" but she didn't. She was honest with me. She told me she wasn't okay. I'm so proud of her. I'm not happy she's feeling scared and not okay but the fact that she shared that with me instead of keeping it bottled up, means the world to me. We just want to keep her safe and happy. I watch our princess sleep and I just can't stop thanking God That she's in my arms right now. If she didn't make it then I would've been destroyed. So thank you God for keeping my baby sister alive.
The next morning Tessa was still asleep when I woke up to my alarm at 7am. I let her sleep a little longer while I got ready. Once I got out of the shower and changed into some sweats, Tessa had finally woken up.
Cole: "good morning principessa. How was your sleep?"
Tessa: "morning Cole. It was actually pretty good"
Cole: "no nightmares?"
Tessa: "none. Can I use tour shower Cole?"
Cole: "of course love. I only ask that you leave the door slightly open. I just need to know you're okay."
Tessa: "that's okay Cole. You won't look right?"
Cole: "no of course not. I'll go around the corner here"
Tessa: "thank you"
I heard the shower turn on and she let me know she was in it. I removed all of my razors and anything else I thought would be considered a sharp object after I finished my own shower this morning. She finished up and came out wearing leggings and one of my sweatshirts.
We headed downstairs for some breakfast where I made her some crepes with raspberries on the side. It's her favorite.
Tessa: "Cole can I call Cora?"
Cole: "you don't have to ask permission for that sweetie. You know she's welcome here anytime"
Tessa's POV:
I went and sat on the couch in our living room. Cole was in sight so I knew I was fine. I called Coras number and waited only two rings before she picked up.
Cora: "Tessa? Is that you?"
Tessa: "hi Cora"
Cora: "hey babygirl. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there the past few days Tessa"
Tessa: "you have nothing to be sorry about. How are you?"
God I missed Cora. Talking to her and her hugs. She gave the best hugs.
Cora: "I'm okay. But how are you?"
Tessa: "I'm not okay right now but I think I will be"
Cora: "I'll be home soon I promise Tess!"
Tessa: "that's good because I could really use one of your hugs. I miss you"
We talked for a few more minutes then I hung up.
Cole and I watched a couple movies on the tv while we waited for lijah and Jaxon to get up. Finally around 1pm both boys came bouncing down the stairs. They both greeted me with a hug and kiss on the cheek. Leo came home early around 3pm too which was really nice.
We all spent the evening together playing games like sorry and scattergories. For the first time in a long time I felt happy.
Leo: "I have a surprise for you later Tessa but right now we all need to have a talk. It's about what happened and what is going to happen"
Tessa: "okay"
I felt nervous. I felt like I was in trouble.
Leo: "you're not in trouble Tessa and yes you spoke your thoughts aloud again love. Now we've discussed therapy which you'll start back up in two days and you'll go every Tuesday and Thursday. We may add another day in there if needed and if you ever need to see her during a different day then I'll call and get you on her schedule. The psychiatrist we meet with at the hospital did prescribe you the medication they gave you at the hospital which you'll take every night. If it doesn't feel like it's helping in a month then we will reevaluate with the doctor. So Tessa. Just like last night, you'll be sleeping each night with one of us. It's just a safety precaution until we know you're okay on your own. I know it feels like a lot but we just want you to be safe. I don't want any doors closed or locked for the time being either."
I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I know what I did was wrong and I scared them but they're grieving me absolutely no privacy. No closed doors. I can never be alone. I know I hate being alone sometimes and I let myself think too many bad thoughts but I like my privacy every no and then.
Tessa: "so I get no personal space at all?"
I asked with a little bit of anger in my voice.
Leo: "for right now yes. It's for tour safety bambina. We can't trust you won't try to hurt yourself again right now"
Tessa: "I'm not planning on hurting myself right now again Leo. I told you that. If I don't feel okay then I'll tell you guys. Just like how I told Cole last night. Fine sleeping with you guys but I need some privacy like the bathroom and when I need to be alone."
Leo: "last night? What happened last night. Cole?"
Cole: "nothing happened Leo. Calm down. And Tessa calm down too. Leo, Tessa just said she was feeling scared when I asked if she was okay. That was it. She opened up to me. Nothing happened"
Leo: "that's exactly why we can't leave you alone Tessa. You need to have one of us with you always until we can get that trust back"
Tessa: "no. You can't do that. You can't control me that way. I'll agree to not locking the doors and sleeping with you guys but I need privacy."
I feel like I'm suffocating. I know what I did was wrong and I'm so sorry for it but he can't just lock me in a cage all day with 24/7 supervision.
Leo: "I know this is upsetting you so let's just settle back down. We can finish discussing this at a different time"
Jaxon: "Leo maybe it's a bit much. Tessa's right, she does need some privacy"
I look at Jaxon thankfully and give him a small smile.
Leo: "my word is final"
Tessa: "that's not fair. Please Leo. You can't treat me like this. You're literally locking me in a cage with no privacy. I'm not an animal. You can't control me. I won't let someone control me ever again. Not Bobby, not Damien, and especially not you"
And with that, I got up from my seat and ran out of the house. I ran as fast as my feet could take me. I heard shouting from behind me but I could care less.
I made it to the park down the street and sat up in the little treehouse they have up there. I understand where Leo is coming from but he can't cage me up. It's suffocating. My phones ringing in my pocket and it's Cora calling me so I pick up and she's begging for me to tell her where I am. I tell her but I tell her if she brings my brothers then I'll run again.
I see her car pull up and she make she ready up to the treehouse with a blanket in her hand. She sits down next to me and instantly pulls me into her. We just sit there and she allows me to cry into her arms while she runs her hand down my hair trying to soothe me.
Cora: "it's going to be okay love"
Tessa: "he's trying to lock me up and cage me like an animal. I can't go through that again Cora. I can't. I won't let it happen"
Cora: "and I won't let that happen either. Your brothers are talking with him right now. He knows he went a bit overboard with this. He just loves you so much sweetie. When you ran out just now, I thought he was going to explode from guilt"
Tessa: "I'm so sorry Cora. I know I scared you all and I hurt you guys. I never meant for that. I truly thought you all would be better off without me. I know that's not true now. And I love you guys so much but I need some privacy. I need some time to myself. I'm not afraid to ask for help anymore if I need it."
Cora: "if you ever feel scared or not okay or sad, promise you'll tell me or one of the boys?"
Tessa: "I promise Cora. I told Cole last night when I felt scared and not okay. I promise I'll be more open."
Cora: "I believe you hun"
Tessa: "you do?"
I was shocked she said she trusted and believed me.
Cora: "of course I do. I know if you were lying, you would feel too guilty. Plus you're a horrible liar."
Tessa: "thank you Cora. That means the world to me"
Cora: "I think it's time we start to head back. The boys are crazy worried. They know I'm with you but they don't know where. So let's head home. Plus it's getting cold and very dark and late out here."
We drove in a comfortable silence back to the house. As soon as we pulled into the driveway the front door swung open and Jaxon came running out and scooped me into a hug. I was absolutely exhausted. We walked inside and the rest of my brothers were sitting on the couch. They all turned to us and stood up as soon as we walked in the front door. Leo took a few steps towards me and Jaxon instantly stepped in between us almost in a protective stance.
Leo: "Tessa...."
Jaxon: "enough Leo. She's tired. And she clearly doesn't want to speak with you right now. Come on Tessa"
We left a stunned Leo in the living room and Jaxon carried me up to his bedroom for the night.