Carina rests her forehead against the door that she just slammed in Lily's face and shuts her eyes closed tightly, feeling her body get intensely warm with frustration after the dispute she just had. She stays there for a moment, listening closely for what Lily would say or do on the other side. But after a few moments, nothing happens. The only sound that can be heard is the relentless downpour happening outside.
Carina reaches up and removes the chain off of the door, knowing that she can't just lock Lily and the other girls out. They were going to have to come back in sooner or later. There's also a tiny part in the back of Carina's mind that is subconsciously hoping for Lily to come barging through the door again. But after what Carina said to her, she highly doubts that that would happen.
Now she trudges across the floor on her way back to the bed, her eyes burning as tears blur her vision. She hates feeling this hurt. She hates feeling this upset. The only person she wants comfort from is Lily but Lily is also the person who made her feel like this. She's stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Carina knows she was being a bitch to Lily just now and she knows that she will most definitely regret it later, but right now she can't find it in herself to care. Her conscience has totally disappeared and is replaced with feelings of rage and offense.
Lily knows that one of the things she hates most in this world is getting yelled at. It makes her uncomfortable, scared, and small. She feels like she's being looked down upon and it makes her feel like shit and inferior. Yet Lily was still doing it and to make it worse, they were in public. Carina's pretty sure that everyone on the beach, including that girl who they ran into, could heard what was happening.
Carina never knew she was the possessive type until she started dating Lily. She just can't help it. Carina hates when people who she thinks are more attractive than her speaks with Lily because that's when every single insecurity she has makes its way out. She can't help if it she suddenly grabs hold of Lily's hand or glares threateningly at the other person. She seriously doesn't mean to do it most of the time.
It all fucking comes down to insecurities. Always.
She doesn't have the most confidence in herself, not like Amanda, Naomi, Desi, or Lily. But she isn't unconfident either. Lily and the girls have all played an incredible role in helping her feel better about herself and she can't thank them enough. She's like a completely different person ever since she met Lily, Desi, and Naomi this year. She's always loved herself and she's proud of the person she is, but, like any teenage girl, she gets insecure around other teenage girls. Especially ones who look like they just waltzed on out of a damn magazine.
The girl they encountered on the beach was drop-dead gorgeous. She was so pretty that it was intimidating and that automatically turned the insecure switch on inside of Carina. She wasn't even aware that she was giving her the death stare until Lily called her out on it shortly after. But now that she knows, she's sorry she did it. She's usually not like that. Anything that has to deal with Lily just makes her do some crazy things.
"Fuck," Carina mutters to herself, pounding her fist down on top of the pillow her face was on. Why did this have to happen right here, right now? It was the first day of their weekend getaway and of course it has to end with them fighting.
Lightning flashes with a loud clap of thunder following a couple of seconds later. Carina immediately jams her headphones back into her ears and turns the volume up to drown out the god awful sound. Tears come down from her eyes and she grits her teeth as she trembles in fear. And of course it has to fucking storm too. What a great way to top off a horrible night.
Carina tucks her legs up to her chest and throws the blanket over her head, trying to block out the roaring wind and booming sounds. She told Lily she didn't need her because she doesn't. She doesn't need anyone, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't want Lily. In fact, she wants her more than anything else in the world.
Things were blown out of proportion, but that's only because they're both too damn stubborn and short-tempered that it's almost impossible to have a simple conversation about whatever the issue at hand is. One of them always walks away and/or ignores the other. Lily walked away when they argued about the letters and the revealed identity and now it's Carina who walked away. They both need time to breathe and to gather their emotions together. It's best to be apart and calm down, otherwise harsh words that carry no meaning to it would be expressed and things would get even more ugly. If that were possible.
Carina just hated the accusations that Lily threw at her earlier. Carina does trust her. Hell, she trusts her with her life and she doesn't like how Lily doesn't understand that. Now putting herself in Lily's shoes, she did have valid points for her argument and her reasons for getting upset, but Carina does too.
Lily was accusing her of not trusting her when that's the furthest thing from the truth. She knows Lily would never cheat on her nor would she ever allow anyone else to. It's just that scared side of Carina that gets possessive of Lily when someone she deems as "better" comes walking their way. She just wants people to see Lily as her girlfriend, showing them that she's off limits. She doesn't even want others to even think that she's available, which is why she gets possessive all of a sudden. It's like a reflex. It's involuntary.
Carina does need to try to control her insecurities better because it does make it seem like she doesn't trust Lily when that isn't the case. Lily didn't do anything wrong here tonight. Carina's just mad because Lily didn't try to see things from Carina's perspective and she immediately assumed that it was Lily she didn't trust. This is why communication is important. Things get mixed up and tangled and complicated because there's always one side that gets disregarded.
After about 35 minutes has passed and there was still no sign of Lily, Carina realizes that now she's feeling sadder than she is upset. Sad because Lily isn't here right now. Sad because she hurt Lily's feelings and she made her cry. Sad because her stupid insecurities always get in the way of everything.
Carina wants to text Lily, but now she's scared of being rejected and pissing her off even more. She's scared that Lily is so upset that she won't forgive her for what she said and what she did and she doesn't want to push it. At least not tonight. She might need a little more time away from Carina and that's understandable. That's also the type of person that Lily is. She doesn't necessarily run away from her issues, but more so takes time for herself in order to think and dwell on it before she decides to deal with it.
More time has passed and the emotional exhaustion is really taking a toll on her, but she can't sleep. Her mind is too preoccupied with what happened and the fact that the sky is angry as hell outside won't allow her to drift off into a nice little slumber. She doesn't think that she'll be able to sleep at all tonight, especially since she knows that Lily's arms won't be holding her.
But then light from the hallway suddenly seeps into the dark room, letting Carina know that someone has opened the door. She quickly pauses the music to let her hear and she is able to make out four figures in the shadows on the walls. All of the girls are back now.
For some reason, Carina is feeling nervous. She feels her heart rate accelerating as she can so very clearly determine which of the four shadows is Lily. Desi has her arm around her shoulders and they're all quiet. They must know that some shit had gone down. The atmosphere is tense and solemn, which is the polar opposite of what it usually is when they're all in the same room.
"Is she sleeping?" Amanda's voice whispers. It's kind of hard to hear over the sound of the rain, but Carina can understand for the most part.
Carina hears footsteps coming her way and she closes her eyes, pretending to be asleep and hoping to god it looks believable. She even adds a little sigh and shifts herself a bit.
She could "wake up" right now, but she doesn't think it would be the best time to have a heart-to-heart with all of the girls in the room and their emotions still high. Lily is probably still really upset too. It might be best to wait a bit before they talk it out.
"I think she is sleeping," Desi mutters softly. Oh, well, of course she would be the one to think Carina's asleep. She's pretty gullible. If it were any of the other girls checking up on her, then they might have caught Carina in the act.
"Go wash your face and then head off to bed, Lily," Naomi suggests gingerly. "I think you should sleep the night off."
"You're right," Lily agrees, her voice nasally and stuffy, undeniably from her crying. "And I'll just sleep on the couch tonight."
Carina listens as the other girls give her all words of encouragement and support, all telling her that things will be okay and that "Carina didn't mean it." And she didn't mean it. She was just upset and she let that get the best of her.
"I hate when they fight," she hears Amanda mumble once Lily heads into the bathroom and turns the shower on.
"Me too," Desi concurs, letting out a long and dreadful sigh. "But they'll be okay. They always are."
"No relationship is perfect and no one is perfect, but they're perfect for each other. There is no doubt in my mind about that," Naomi adds in genuinely.
Carina repeats that in her mind over and over again. She is far from perfect and she does still have some things she should work on about herself, but there is no one better in this world for Lily than her, just like no one is better for her than Lily.
-
Hours pass and the storm outside halted completely, leaving no trace of evidence that a storm even occurred tonight aside from the various puddles left behind. The calm after the storm is soothing and slightly comforting. It's kind of symbolic about how even the bad things have to end.
Lily is sleeping on the couch tonight with her sweater as a blanket. Well, at least she's trying to sleep. She's just been staring at the back of her eyelids while her mind is going a hundred miles per hour.
She would be lying if she said she still wasn't deeply hurt about Carina's sudden explosion of how she doesn't need her and how she's just fine with her. That really fucking hurt. A knife through her heart probably would have hurt less than hearing those spiteful words leave her mouth. Did she really mean that? Or was she just saying it in the heat of the moment? It's weird how something as simple as words can evoke such strong emotions. Carina is capable of making or breaking her heart with just mere words. That's some intense power that someone can hold over you. And she willingly gave Carina that power as soon as she gave her her heart.
Lily wipes a stray tear that rolls down her cheeks. She hasn't really stopped crying since then. She's calmed down since her intense sobbing session in Naomi's arms earlier when the girls found her sitting by herself in the lobby after Carina locked her out, but the tears haven't stopped falling. And her heart hasn't stopped aching.
The soft sounds of three different snores occupy the hotel room, all coming from the bed closest to the couch where she lays. Desi, Naomi, and Amanda still stuck with their original idea of sleeping on one bed while Carina and Lily took the other. Although Carina has the bed to herself now, Lily knew that none of the girls wanted to take place of her absence because they were secretly hoping they would wake up to find the two of them together in the same bed again.
Yeah. Lily hopes for that too.
Sleeping in the same room as Carina but not having her in her arms is torturous. She is literally only about 15 feet away from Carina and she should be there with her chest pressed against her back, her arm wrapped around her petite waist, and face nuzzled against the nape of her neck. But instead, Lily is lying on the couch in a room with four of the most important in her life, feeling lonelier than ever.
Sleep isn't coming anytime soon and she knows that it would be stupid to think that it would. She felt trapped and confined in the room with Carina so unbearably close to her, not being able to do much about it. So Lily carefully and quietly tiptoes over to the balcony door and slides it open, immediately being hit with a wave of the warm and humid breeze. The distinguishable scent of rain still lingers in the air and normally she hates the muggy feeling, but anywhere was better than inside the room.
Barefoot, Lily saunters over to the end of the balcony, resting her hands on the railing. She admires the ocean's tides rising and falling naturally and the moon's reflection off of the surface of the water. It's the middle of the night, so the streets are calm and so is the beach. There's not a single person that Lily can spot from her view.
"What are you doing up?"
Lily doesn't need to turn around to know whose voice that belongs to. It's the same voice that she listens to on the phone in the middle of the night. The same voice that makes her heart skip a beat. The same voice that makes her happier and sometimes sadder than anyone else is capable of.
"I can ask you the same thing," she throws back at Carina, eyes still facing forward. Looking at her might make her break down in tears again and that's the last thing she wants to do.
Carina's quiet for a moment and Lily can detect her hesitation. But eventually, she hears her whisper softly, "you know I wasn't going to be able to sleep after tonight."
Lily then hears the soft pitter-patter of her feet walking towards her and from the corner of her eye, she sees Carina mimicking her position, eyes faced towards the sea and hands resting on the railing. There is a considerable amount of distance between them that's rather taunting. Throwing her a hasty and shy glance, Lily's heart practically melts at the beautiful sight of Carina's side profile. She's unbearably lovely. No matter what she says to her, Carina will always get Lily's heart racing like no other person can.
A long and awkward silence dangles over them with the both of them wanting to speak, but not having the guts to make the first move. Lily taps her finger against the railing nervously and counts to three in her mind before opening her mouth and saying...
"-Listen, Carina-"
"-Look, Lily-"
Lily and Carina immediately shut their mouths and they turn and make eye contact again for the first time in hours. Lily feels her cheeks blush just from the very notion of looking at her and she suddenly gets ridiculously shy, holding her hands together in front of her timidly.
"Uhm, you can go first," Lily mumbles timorously. Why was she so nervous? It's Carina. Her palms are sweating and her heart feels like its about to burst inside of her chest. This reminds her of the first day she met Carina as soon as she found out it was her she's been writing to.
Carina tucks her bottom lip in between her white teeth before she motions for them to sit down on the couch off near to the side. Lily and Carina sit on opposite ends and they pull both of their legs up, their bodies facing each other completely.
Lily watches her precious and drained face intently, waiting for her to speak. Carina picks at the fabric of her shorts, the way that she does when she's nervous. "So, uhm, first and foremost," she begins, her voice small and careful, "I-I wanted to say that I'm so, so sorry for what I said to you earlier, Lily. It was so wrong of me to say that to you. I was just angry and I said things I didn't mean and I just wanted to hurt your feelings like you hurt mine. It was just that when you were yelling at me, it made me feel like you were nitpicking and pointing out the insecurities that I have, as if I don't already know them. And it hurt me because it was like you weren't trying to understand where I was coming from and how I was feeling, but more so criticizing me for it."
Lily subtly scoots herself up closer and holds her palms out in front of her, eyes looking straight into Carina's. Now is the time to let everything out into the open without any holding back. She'd rather lose an argument than lose her.
The corner of Carina's lips rises faintly and that's enough to life some weight off Lily's shoulders. Carina then places her hands in both of Lily's and she gives them a gentle and encouraging squeeze. "Then help me to understand how you were feeling."
Carina's eyes go softer than ever and she tilts her head to the side as she looks at Lily with nothing but affection, opposite from the cold look in her eyes earlier right before she slammed the door. A little, content sigh comes out of her and she smiles delicately, eyes shining brightly. Holy shit. Lily is so in love with her.
"Well," she starts after taking a moment to gather her thoughts together, "I guess it's because I'm still not over the fact that out of everybody in this world, you chose me. You could have had any other person you wanted, but instead you chose me. You're perfect in every single way, Lily, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't always just a tad bit worried in the back of my mind that you would suddenly realize that there is someone out there who is better than I am. It's not that I don't trust you, because I do, but it's because of me and my doubts and internal struggles. I'm nothing special and I don't think I'm the prettiest person in the world and I-I guess that I'm just, you know, afraid of losing you-"
"-Stop right there," Lily interrupts sternly, not liking where the conversation was heading. She refuses to sit there and listen to Carina self-deprecate and belittle herself as if she isn't the most amazing and most beautiful person Lily has ever come to know. She shakes her head and she feels tears brimming in her eyes from the very thought of knowing Carina still thinks of herself like that.
Lily crawls up to close the gap between them, confidence in her building up by the second. She then holds Carina's face in between her hands, forcing her to look and listen closely to what she has to say. "Don't you dare say that about yourself. Don't you ever think for one second that you are not worthy of me, Carina, because damn it, I swear to god that you are. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for and it kills me that you aren't able to see it," Lily feels her throat begin to tighten up and she caresses Carina's cheekbones with her thumbs. Carina's eyes are wide, possibly from the suddenness of Lily's actions. But she's listening.
"You're the best goddamn thing that has ever happened to me and you brighten up my life in so many more ways than just one. You're so beautiful. You're so smart and so talented and too good for this world and I hate the fact that you don't think you are anything special because you make me feel things that I didn't even know I could feel and that sounds pretty fucking special to me.
"And you won't lose me to anyone," Lily confidently assures, leaning in to press their foreheads together. Their noses just barely touch and she sees Carina's eyes get watery, which only adds to the tears already forming in Lily's eyes. It's getting more difficult for her to speak properly without choking up, but Carina has to hear this. "You won't lose me to anyone. Okay? Not if I have a say in it. Baby, I chose you and I'll always choose you over anyone. Yes, there are billions of people in this world, but there's only one of you and you're the only one that I want. I love you. You're extraordinary and endlessly lovely and a little weird at times but that's why I love you so much. Now, I don't want any more bad thoughts in that precious little head of yours, alright?"
Lily tenderly kisses Carina's forehead for extra emphasis on clearing the negative thoughts, making her giggle. Then Lily moves down to her perfect little nose. Then both of her tearstained cheeks. Then finally her lips. It was short and sweet, but it explained what words couldn't.
As soon as they pull away, Carina scuttles across the couch to sit on Lily's lap, wrapping her legs around her waist and her arms around her neck. Lily nuzzles her face into Carina's neck, placing gentle, loving kisses along her skin as she rubs her back soothingly. She almost cries in relief from being able to finally hold Carina and from being engulfed in her body's natural warmth again. These past few hours sucked ass.
"What did you want to say earlier?" Carina asks quietly in her arm after a moment of comfortable silence. "Before I kind of interrupted you."
Lily immediately protests and shakes her head, feeling too satisfied right now to want to talk or think about what happened anymore. She feels bad because it was kind of her fault for being a little bit too insensitive towards Carina's feelings. It's obvious that her girlfriend still struggles a bit with her self-worth and her insecurities do get the best of her sometimes and they invade her thoughts and actions like a plague. It wasn't kind of Lily to yell at her for that. She's only human. More specifically, she's still just a teenage girl. Lily feels inadequate sometimes too, of course, but Carina's concerns run deeper and instead of getting upset with her for it, Lily should find ways to help her and remind her how special she is.
"Nothing," Lily answers honestly, pulling her head back to look up at her. "I said everything I needed to say." She then places a kiss right on Carina's chest, right over her beating heart. Carina smiles as she runs her fingers through Lily's hair.
"Let's go back inside," Carina suggests in the midst of a yawn.
Lily couldn't agree more.
Carina removes her legs off of her and stands up, allowing for Lily to do the same. She then trudges over towards the door, rubbing her tired and puffy eyes in the process. Exhaustion was catching up to her and fast.
But she stops when she notices that Carina is still standing in her place, looking a little hesitant about something. "What's the matter?" Lily asks her worriedly.
Carina looks down at her feet as she subtly rocks back and forth on her toes. Her head is ducked down a bit when she opens her mouth and asks shyly, "uhm... Is-Is it okay if you sleep with me tonight?"
Lily's heart flutters and she pouts her bottom lip out in response to Carina's irresistible request. She said it in the most innocent and adorable tone of voice that it would be like denying a little puppy a treat. Which, well, she is a puppy and there was no way in hell that she was going to deny her that.
"I was already planning on it," Lily grins widely.