The following Monday morning, Lily let her alarm clock drone on as it started blaring at 6 A.M. There was no way in hell that she was going to school. For starters, she was sick because of her stupid decision to walk out into the storm and she caught herself a pretty bad cold. Even if she weren't sick, she still wouldn't have gone anyways. Seeing Carina would be way too hard.
Lying in Carina's bed Saturday night without her was horrible. The scent of her on the sheets and pillows was just taunting Lily the entire night, reminding her that she was so close but so far away. At one point, she even moved to sleep on the floor.
The initial anger that boiled inside of Lily from the ruthlessness of Carina's words has now simmered down to pure sadness and hurt. It pains her to think that Carina thinks that lowly of her. Her opinion means a lot to Lily and she definitely expressed how she felt about her last night.
She left early that next morning even before the sun woke up and left without saying a word or mentioning anything to Carina. It's not like it would matter. She apparently doesn't mean much to Carina anymore anyways. What started out to be one of the happiest nights she's had in a while took an unfortunate turn and wound up being one of the worst. This is why she doesn't get attached to people that often, especially those she has feelings for. It hurts too much when the universe turns in a way that pins them against each other.
How does Carina feel about all of this? Lily is well aware that talking is a two-way street, but the coward inside of her prevented her from making the first move. She lied awake for the majority of the night wishing that Carina would walk in through those doors at any second. But she never did.
She spent the entirety of Sunday and Monday sulking, but after she knew Naomi was home from school on Monday, she drove over to her house uninvited, sickly and all, because she didn't want to be alone again. As soon as Naomi saw Lily's facial expression and body language, she simply just pulled her into a warm hug and held her for so long until the tears stopped coming down her face. Naomi didn't ask her anything nor did she even say anything. She just held her silently, but her presence was enough to make Lily feel better, even if it was temporary.
Lily didn't tell her what happened between her and Carina because she felt like it should stay between them until they were able to sort things out. And it's never good to try to explain something when emotions were high. Unintended words would be expressed and biased opinions would be shared. But her friends aren't oblivious. They knew that the only thing that would ever be able to get to Lily that much is Carina.
But she doesn't want them to think of Carina in a certain way because they're obviously closer to Lily than the younger girl and they're extremely protective. Naomi and Desi would actually murder Carina if they found out what she said and did to Lily.
Naomi invited Desi over later in attempt to get Lily's mind off of her issues and it helped for the most part until she went back home later that night, stuck alone with her thoughts and feelings. It was a long night of her checking her phone hundreds of times hoping for a text or call that wouldn't come.
Lily splashes some cool water on her face this Tuesday morning after she finally decides to get up from bed in the afternoon. Her eyes, nose, and throat are killing her and she feels like shit, both physically and emotionally. She's tired in a way that sleep won't fix and she knows that moping around all day in bed wouldn't help in the slightest either considering that's basically all she did Sunday and Monday.
Her phone vibrates on the sink counter and her "Dad" pops up. He went in to check up on Lily this morning when she didn't come down to say hi before he went to work like she always does and whenever she's sick, he tends to call her every 5 minutes because he's that type of dad.
"Hello?" Lily answers weakly, her nose stuffy.
"I would ask you how you're feeling today, baby girl, but your voice kind of says it all," Matt says with a gentle tone.
"I feel like ass."
"And I don't doubt it," he says with a small laugh. "You hate having to miss school so the fact that you are missed yesterday and today really worries me. Rest up and take it easy, okay? Guzzle down some water, bundle yourself up in blankets, have some warm soup, take a marvelous shower-all that jazz. And call me if you need anything at all. I'll be there in a quick jiffy."
Lily smiles for the first time in what feels like eternity. Her dad's caring nature and odd use of vocabulary never fails to lift her spirits up, even if it's just a little bit. Matt knew that there was something deeper that was adding to Lily feeling like ass and he didn't mention it, but she knows that he knows. Dad radar.
"Thanks, Dada," Lily says. "I will and also thanks for checking up on me. I know that you'll do it again in an hour but I still appreciate it all very much."
"It's my job, Lily," he says cheerfully. "But seriously. Take care of yourself and I'm only a phone call away. Love you."
"Love you," Lily smiles. "Bye."
She hangs up the phone and shakes her head happily to herself. Her old man.
Lily takes a glance out of her bedroom window to see that today's weather is the exact polar opposite of how it was Saturday night. Abundant sunshine and not a cloud in sight . It's a perfect day and she doesn't want to let it go to waste. It's be good for her to go out anyways.
After quickly downing down some soup that helps soothe her throat and warm her body, she puts on some worn-out jeans and a wool sweater topped with a beanie. A pain hurts her chest when she sees some of Carina's clothes that she let her borrow sitting neatly in the corner of her closet. She makes a mental note to return it to her soon. She always let Lily borrow her favorite things so she knows she's want it back.
Grabbing her keys, she leaves the house and hops into her car, on her way. Normally when she goes to her favorite spot in the woods, it's because she needs some time away when she's having a bad day. Of course, with the exception of taking Carina there since the younger girl needed some time away herself. But since meeting Carina, Lily hasn't had that urge once because there wasn't really such a thing as bad days with her.
It really doesn't feel great to have her be the cause of the bad day.
--
"Are you sure that you're alright, Carina?" Amanda asks as she reaches over and pats Carina's knee. They're on their way to drop Carina off at her house this Tuesday after school. Considering they haven't seen or spoken to each other since Saturday, Carina has been unquestionably miserable. It was painful to turn around in her seat in English to find it empty instead of seeing those bright green eyes she loves so much and that dazzling smile that makes her heart skip a beat. She's making a real effort to try to avoid her.
Now the whole assignment is an absolute mess, but they still have to do it. At least Carina is still going to continue with it. The past two nights while she was writing her letter, the list of things to talk about was definitely different. She wasn't anonymous anymore and neither was Lily. The nameless person who Carina had a genuine infatuation with before she met Lily wound up actually being the same person. Now she knows why she thought Lily was so special when they first met. They already knew each other so much better than they thought.
Carina isn't just going to pretend like they don't know each other's identities in the letters. So she decided to take an alternate route and just wrote what she wanted Lily to hear her say instead. But because Lily wasn't there today to see the letter Carina wrote for her that night, she just took it out of her folder for her. She needs Lily to read it so maybe she can do a variation of Ding-Dong-Ditch by ringing the doorbell, placing the letter on the ground, and hauling ass on out of there before Lily sees her. But it's mainly because Carina is too scared and nervous to call/text her in fear of rejection. But Lily has to reply to the letter. She cares too much about school to take multiple zeroes for this assignment.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Carina answers unpersuasively and with Amanda being the attentive person she is, there was no way she was going to buy it. "I'll get over it." She's saying it more to convince herself than her best friend.
Carina talked to Amanda about it briefly on the car ride to school Monday morning when Amanda noticed how upset she was. She didn't go in depth about the things that were said to each other because it wasn't worth repeating, but she knows that Lily and her are in a bit of a tiff right now considering they haven't had any contact with one another.
"Naomi talked to me about Lily today," Amanda says as she turns into Carina's neighborhood.
Carina's head shoots over to Amanda at the mention of Lily's name. "You did? What did she say?"
"She's not doing so well either," Amanda says, a hint of sadness in her voice. "Not only has she been really upset, but she's also pretty sick."
Of course she is. Her stubborn ass walked out into the storm on a cold night.
"Upset like sad upset or upset like pissed upset?"
"Sad upset," Amanda replies as she parks the car in front of Carina's house and turns her body towards her. "She showed up at Naomi's house and cried for a while and Naomi kind of had an feeling that it was about you, but I felt like it wasn't my business to tell her so I pretended like I didn't know anything."
Carina frowns deeply. Her being sick definitely plays a role in the reason as to why she hasn't been in school these two days. Her being sad on top of that doesn't sound very fun either and it makes Carina feel a bit guilty because they're both technically her fault.
"God..." Carina groans, running her fingers through her hair. "I want to talk to her so bad. It's killing me not being able to when that's all I want to do and she's the only thing that's been on my mind. It fucking sucks going from being as close and as affectionate as we were to acting like the other one doesn't exist in this silent war."
"Who says you can't?" Amanda suggests gently. "I mean, Lily is sad and I'm pretty sure she wants closure. It sucks to be left with not knowing at all because she's left wondering and doubting, just like you are right now. Carina, I know you care about Lily so much. Hell, anyone can tell that you adore her with everything you have. And if she really didn't care about you, she wouldn't be crying right now."
Carina nods, listening to everything Amanda is saying and knowing that she's right. Carina does care about her and she still has deep feelings for her and she knows that Lily also cares about her, but the reason why Carina still hasn't made a move is because she's scared. She's scared that Lily won't forgive her for what she said. But now she realizes that she's scared of losing her more.
Carina suddenly places a hand on Amanda's shoulder. "Can you do me a huge, ginormous favor?" she asks.
"Sure, of course."
"Can you take me to her house?"
--
Lily sits on the edge of the large, flat rock that overlooks the pond and sighs contently. This is also the same spot where she and Carina shared their first kiss. She smiles at the thought as she brings the tips of her fingers up to her mouth, still able to feel Carina's full and oh so soft lips press against hers for the first time. They've shared many kisses since then, but the first time is always the one that sticks out the most. And it'll unquestionably stay with her for a long time.
Her sentimental self involuntarily gravitated towards this area as soon as she stepped out of her car. This entire area used to be all hers. This is the place she would go when she doesn't want to be found. But that all changed right when she opened this part of her world to Carina. Now it's theirs.
Though things may not be good right now, the memories shared with Carina here still live on, strong and evident. Shit happens and people change all the time, but memories never do. And, god, does she have a ton with that girl even though it was only in a timespan of a month or so.
Lily wonders where they stand right now. Were they even still together? No one said anything about it and they can't avoid each other forever, especially since they are in the same class together. It's not like she wants to let go of Carina. God no. The last thing she wants is to let her walk out of her life when she just barely walked in.
Right now, Lily is simply giving her space. There have been many times where she would look at her keys on her desk and contemplate driving over to her house and begging Carina for her forgiveness, but there's a part of her that feels like it would just be a lost cause because Carina's way too upset with her for keeping something this significant away from her and a slammed door in her face would shatter her heart.
Lily has gone 18 years without knowing Carina. 18 years without hearing her voice. 18 years without seeing her face. 18 years without her touch and 18 years without her kisses. Why is it now that she can't even last a few days without craving her more than anything every single day?
Lily brings her knees up to her chest and hugs them, resting her chin on top. The scent of the trees fills her nose and the slight breeze of the cool air hits her face while the sun balances it out and warms her skin. She closes her eyes, listening to the serene sounds of the outdoors. No cars, no people, no buildings-nothing.
That is until she hears a twig snap behind her and Lily impulsively shoots her head back to see Carina with a pained grimace on her face, limping her way towards Lily.
Her ferociously protective instincts take over and she scrambles on her feet, running towards Carina. "What happened?" Lily frantically asks as she looks down at her right leg, which she has raised up a foot in the air, placing all of her weight on her left leg.
"I tripped on the way up here and my shin landed straight on top of a sharp rock," Carina explains tensely with her teeth clenched in pain.
Lily anxiously runs her fingers through her hair. "Okay, sit down for me so I can have a look at it," she says.
Carina nods weakly and Lily hesitantly places her hands on Carina's waist to help balance her as she lowers down on the ground. Carina rests her weight on her arms and elevates her injured leg. Lily sits down beside her and allows Carina's leg to be placed on her lap.
Then, Lily rolls up the fabric of her jeans up as carefully as she can. She lets out a small gasp when she sees the large, bleeding and discolored mark on Carina's skin. She really must have landed straight on the rock's sharpest point to cause a wound that deep. It definitely wasn't a little scrape that Lily would get sometimes when she would accidentally trip while walking around here. Green and dark purple surrounds the puncture in her skin and Lily winces, even able to feel a bit of her pain just by looking at it.
"God, Carina...." Lily breathes in distress as she inspects her shin, not sure what to do about it. She just carefully tries to relax her by caressing the perfect, uninjured skin around it in hopes that it would relieve some pain. "How badly does it hurt?"
Lily looks up when Carina doesn't answer her and they connect eyes for the first time considering Lily was too focused on her leg. But now she sees her just staring back at her, the expression on her face unreadable. She's suddenly afraid she did something wrong, but then one of Carina's hand silently finds its way to Lily's face and her thumb runs soothingly across her cheekbone repeatedly. Lily freezes under her familiar and comforting touch and prays that it stays there. She doesn't want to go another minute without feeling her warmth.
"I missed you," Carina finally says, voice barely above a whisper.
Lily's bottom lip trembles and she overlaps her hand over Carina's, holding tightly. Tears swell in her eyes because god, did she miss her too and to know that it's reciprocated is far too overwhelming for her not to cry. It's been a long and miserable few days without her.
She closes her eyes as she leans against Carina's hand and turns her head enough to lovingly kiss the inside of her palm. "I think I missed you more," Lily says, wiping a tear away. "And I am so sorry. I know I should have-"
Lily's words are cut off when Carina swiftly closes the gap between them and crashes their lips together. Carina's hands cup Lily's face so tightly, almost like she's afraid that she'll slip away again.
"Please stop talking," Carina breathes between small kisses.
Now that's how you shut a girl up.
Lily's lips curve into a smile and it grows even wider when she feels Carina do the same. It's only been a few days since she's kissed her, but it feels like an entire lifetime since she's felt the way their lips somehow always seem to perfectly mesh together, the slow, passionate movements, and the desperate attempts of trying to pull each other closer. The absence of not only Carina's touch but her presence as well was really taking a toll on Lily. To be with her every single day to not even acknowledging each other after a heated fight really fucked her up. She's not going to take her for granted again since she knows all too well how quickly it can disappear.
Carina pulls away with a strong and pained grimace on her face. "Fuck, ow," she winces sharply, "I got carried away and tried to move my leg but then I forgot I probably need to get it amputated."
Lily totally forgot about the horrid and bleeding wound. That definitely ruined the mood.
"Can you get up?" Lily asks, looking down at her leg again. "We need to get it cleaned and bandaged up before it gets infected."
Carina shakes her head. "No, I don't think I can."
Lily bites her bottom lip in thought for a moment. She looks around, inspecting her surroundings and she knows there is no way in hell that Carina would make it back to the car hobbling on one foot. The terrain varies drastically and it's pretty unpredictable. Plus the last time they were there, she was huffing and out of breath even with two perfectly good legs. It was a fairly long walk too.
"Okay, I'm going to carry you," Lily says as she puts herself in a squatted position, placing an arm under Carina's knees and the other around the small of her back. The smaller girl responds by wrapping her arms around her neck. "1...2...3." Lily extends her knees, carrying Carina up with her with complete ease. "You good?"
"I'm perfect," Carina smiles softly, nudging the tip of her nose against Lily's temple affectionately.
Lily blushes and she feels the familiar butterflies in her stomach that she gets whenever Carina does anything remotely adorable like that. She didn't think that she would come to this place by herself and wind up leaving with Carina literally in her arms.
Today went from 0 to 100 real quick.
"What are you doing here anyways?" Lily asks as she begins the trek down back, being extra careful and cautious to prevent from having both girls injured.
"I had to come and find you," Carina answers simply. "Amanda graciously drove me to your house so I could give you a letter and saw that your car wasn't there and no one was home. This was the first place that I thought of but I knew it was special and personal to you so after much persuasion, Amanda let me borrow her "baby" and I drove here myself."
"Wait, what letter?"
"For English. It's basically everything I was too afraid to say to you but since you haven't been in school this week, I wanted to bring it to you myself. Well, at first I was planning on ringing the doorbell, chucking it at your door, then running away, but I missed you too much to continue with this silent war between us so I had to come and find you and talk to you myself. I can give it to you in a bit."
Lily nods as she listens, securing her hold on Carina as she begins up an elevated ground. It feels nice to know that Carina was missing her too, but she still feels most at fault here so it's time to say what she should have said.
"You cut me off earlier," she begins, "but I really am truly sorry, love. I know it sounds so sketchy and horrible of me to keep something like that away from you because they deal with your feelings, but I was just so scared that I was going to lose you. I mean, in a way I kind of did lose you these past few days by not telling you, but there was a part of me that wanted to keep it a secret because you were so happy in person and on paper and I didn't want to make things more complicated for the both of us by mixing those two worlds together."
"And I know that I was a messy person last year, I do, but you have to understand that you mean more to me than anyone else does and I never ever would treat you the same way I used to treat some other people. You are so special and so important to me and I would never forgive myself if I treated you with anything less than the way that you deserve to be treated. You changed me. You make me want to be the best version of me that I can possibly be because I want to feel like I'm worthy of someone as amazing as you. And that might not even be enough. You're beyond lovely, Carina, and I feel like you're way too good for anyone in this world. I sometimes wonder how lucky I am to have you like me back because I feel like I'm not deserving of you."
Carina blushes deeply as she leans in and kisses Lily tenderly on her cheek. "You want to know why I like you?" she says, rubbing her thumb over the spot she just kissed. "Because you say such cute shit like that that makes me feel so much better about myself. People don't usually notice me, but you do. In fact, you notice everything about me and you make sure to always make me feel like I'm being heard and that my feelings are valid and you're always there for me no matter what, prime example being that you already were on your way to me the night of the storm even before I could ask you to come over.
"I was just so hurt and taken back about suddenly finding out that you are the author of the letters that I overlooked everything you've done for me. Like I know you care about me through your actions but in that moment I said so many things I didn't mean because my emotions really got the better of me and I wasn't thinking straight. I know now that what I said to you was horrible and out of line and I've regretted it ever since. It wasn't fair that you were put into that situation and I'm sorry for being close-minded and not putting myself in your position. I hope you forgive me for what I said."
"I do forgive you, I promise," Lily says, bringing her body closer to her in a weird variation of a hug. She never quite knew how small and fragile Carina was until now. She's holding her like she's nothing more than a child. "I missed you too much to even remember what you said."
They're now about 5 minutes away from where they parked their cars and Lily was still going strong. It might be a false illusion because she was in no way ready to let Carina go after not having her for since Saturday, but she couldn't have felt better. Aside from the whole being sick thing.
"Oh, and don't be surprised if you wake up with some nasty symptoms," Lily laughs. "I'm sick right now in case you couldn't tell by my nasally voice and puffy eyes and sniffling nose and you stupidly decided to kiss me."
Carina laughs, the sound like music to Lily's ears. "I know you're sick but I don't care at all. It'll be worth it if I wake up the next morning feeling like poo. Besides, you're at fault too now because it takes two people to kiss and I didn't see you pulling away!"
"But I was very Carina-deprived," Lily mumbles sheepishly as she juts her bottom lip out.
"Aw," Carina coos, giving her pouting lips a quick kiss. "I was very Lily-deprived myself, that's why I didn't think twice about it." Carina wraps her arms tighter around Lily's shoulders and cradles her head, resting her chin on top of her head. The side of Lily's face nuzzles against Carina's neck. "I'm sorry again," she says quietly. "That was not a fun night."
"It really wasn't," Lily agrees as she spots their cars in the distance. "And I'm sorry too. Let's never fight again because I don't think my heart can handle it."
Carina giggles, running her fingers through Lily's hair. God, did she miss that. "I second that."
When they get to their car, it was clear to see that Carina wouldn't be able to drive considering it's her right leg that's injured and even placing a tiny bit of pressure would make her wince in pain. So the girls decided to drive back to Amanda's house in Amanda's car considering she would need it and Lily can pick her own car up later with Desi or Naomi.
Lily places Carina in the passenger seat and makes sure that she's comfortable and situated. The wound on her leg is a bit swollen, but Carina insists that its nothing that some elevation, ice, and treatment can't fix. And Lily was not up for another argument, no matter how petty and insignificant. They can save that for another day.
Sometime during the mostly quiet drive back, one second both of Lily's hands were on the wheel and the next one of them somehow managed to find their way to Carina's lap, their fingers interlaced with one another. It just happened. Not one single girl initiated it. But they both were perfectly happy about it. The involuntary smiles grew on their faces as soon as it happened.
Once they arrived at Amanda's house with Carina back in Lily's arms, to say that Amanda was happy would be an understatement. But as soon as she caught sight of the bloody and bruised wound on Carina's shin, the protective and concerned side of Amanda immediately replaced any feelings of joy from seeing her number one ship back together.
Lily was pleasantly surprised with how gentle and careful she was with Carina as she was tending to her leg. Amanda knew exactly what she was doing and Lily was holding Carina's hand the entire time, allowing her to squeeze it when Amanda poured some weird liquid on the cut to disinfect it before placing a bandage on it.
"All set," Amanda says with a clap of the hands. "Comfortable?"
Carina nods and smiles. "Thanks, mom."
"Anytime, daughter," Amanda laughs as she squeezes Carina's knee.
Amanda's doorbell rings and all three girls' heads gaze over towards the door. "Who's that?" Carina asks curiously.
Amanda gets up from the couch and makes her way to the door. She opens it and Lily immediately rolls her eyes and starts laughing to herself. Her favorite idiots are here, oddly enough.
"Lily!" Desi and Naomi exclaim simultaneously.
"Hi, losers," Lily greets happily as she gets up from the couch and throws her arms around both of her friends. "What are you doing here?"
"We could ask you the same thing, dude," Desi says as she throws an arm around Lily's shoulder. "But we're here because Amanda invited us."
"Without me?" Carina and Lily gasp at the same time, turning their attention towards Amanda.
"Carina?" Desi asks, just now spotting the smaller girl who's still lying on the couch, saving Amanda from needing to explain. Just Carina's big, brown eyes are visible over the top of it. Lily smiles at the cute sight. She's so tiny.
"Hi, Desi," Carina waves happily. "And Naomi."
Lily feels a subtle nudge on her shoulder and looks over to see Naomi giving her a suggestive look. Lily simply smiles brightly in return, knowing that she's asking if they're alright now.
"Carina here got a little boo boo," Amanda explains to Desi and Naomi, "so she and Lily showed up at my door unexpectedly and I just patched her up."
Desi jogs around the couch to check it out for herself and Lily sees her frown. "You alright, Carina?"
"Eh, I could be better but Lily helped me out big time."
"Oh, I'm sure she did," Desi smirks at the green-eyed girl. Lily blushes and shoots her a quick glare. It actually is impossible for Desi to pass up an opportunity to tease her.
Lily pulls Naomi over to the side away from Desi, Carina, and Amanda. Naomi looks at her with eyebrows furrowed. "What's wrong, Lily?"
"Can you give me a ride somewhere in a bit?" she asks. "Carina wasn't able to drive because of her leg so I had to leave my car behind."
Naomi places a hand on her shoulder and nods. "Yeah, of course I will," she graciously says. "So I take it you guys are all good? All gucci?"
Lily laughs as she glances over at Carina, who's smiling and talking to Desi and Amanda. "Yes, Naomi, we are 'gucci' now. It's a long story, but we are good now after a long talk."
Naomi pulls her into a friendly hug and Lily grins as she wraps her arms tightly around her muscular body. "I'm really happy for you, babe. It wasn't fun for Desi and I to see you so under the weather. We miss your smile."
"I love you," Lily mumbles, "the both of you. Even though I am so salty that you, Desi, and Amanda were going to spend the afternoon together without us."
Naomi chuckles as she pulls away. "We didn't know where things stood with you guys and we didn't want to make things awkward or anything for you."
"Nah, I was joking. I love the fact that you are Desi are hanging out with her. It's about time all of our paths crossed."
"Imagine if you hand over Carina to us for a day and Carina hands Amanda over to you for a day."
Lily's face drops at the thought of Carina being stuck with her friends for an entire day. Carina would come back to her completely distraught and shaken and possibly scarred for life.
"Hell to the no. Absolutely not."
Naomi laughs loudly which causes the other three girls heads to turn towards them.
"Well, damn, I want to laugh too," Desi pouts.
Lily grins and skips over to Desi, throwing her arms around her from behind, placing her entire weight on her friend's back.
"Get the fuck off of me," Desi grumbles before cracking a smile.
"GROUP HUG!" Naomi shouts before landing on Lily's back, followed by Amanda on Naomi's back. Poor Desi is at the bottom of the it all, her back hunched and leaned over.
Then there's Carina sitting out on the couch by herself with her bandaged leg propped up. The little cripple.
Lily looks at her frowning face, watching the girls in envy. "I want a hug too," Carina says sadly with irresistible puppy dog eyes.
Oh, she's so going to get one now.
Lily fights and thrashes her way out from under Naomi and Amanda and jumps up on the couch behind Carina, hugging her around her waist tightly. She rests her chin on Carina's shoulder and sneaks a kiss on her cheek, making her blush and giggle.
"Happy now, princess?" Lily asks, tickling her stomach.
Carina squirms and tries to pry her fingers off of her, which only causes her to lean against Lily even more.
She looks over her shoulder and into those happy green eyes, smiling so brightly that it makes Lily's stomach flip.
"I am," she says softly. "I am so happy."