We had just finished the case with Andi and just thinking about what those women had to go through made me sick to my stomach.
"You okay, there?" Derek asked.
"I need a drink," I answered.
"After that beating, I could use one too," Derek chuckled.
"Well, I almost got my brains blown out," Dave chimed in, "I need seven."
Hearing everybody being in such light spirits calmed me down a bit, but I could still feel my hands twitching, aching to punch something.
"Hey, Alex!"
I looked up and saw Andi waving me over, she had been talking to Aaron by the glass doors. I passed him on my way over to her, considering saying something, but when he looked at the floor and didn't meet my gaze, I decided against it. He hated me, I just knew it. He knew that I was still in love with him and he found it weird, he wanted nothing more to do with me. I fought the urge to burst into tears as I approached Andi.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I thought you would like to see this," Andi said and handed me her phone. I scrolled through the pictures, each of them showing Andi with different kids. "These are all the kids that we have saved," she explained.
"Wow, this is amazing," I looked closer at the pictures, there were a lot of them.
In all the photos, the kids would hold their hands in front of their eyes like goggles, thumb to finger.
"Why do they do that with their hands?" I asked.
"It's so the traffickers can't identify them, find them and kidnap or kill them," she breathed heavily.
My heart felt heavy and if I had been alone in my room, I probably would've cried. I wasn't saved when I was younger, but I was so glad that these kids were.
"Thank you, Andi, I needed that," I smiled and gave back her phone. "Uhm, we're actually heading out for drinks right now, if you'd like to join us?"
"I would love to, but I have to get back to my office," she smiled apologetically.
We said goodbye to Andi and headed down to the cars. Spencer had offered to be the designated driver, I called shotgun. Aaron had turned down the invitation from Dave, he was going home to Jack.. To Beth.
"Hey, Spencer," I said, gaining his attention. "Can I take you up on your offer and talk to you about Aaron?"
He cleared his throat, "yeah, of course," he looked at me and then back at the road.
"This is going to sound stupid," I breathed, tapping my fngers on my leg, "but do you think he's ignoring me?"
"Oh, yeah, he's definitely ignoring you," Spencer nodded his head.
I groaned and leaned my head back against the headrest, "really?"
"I think he's still a little bit mad at you," Spencer slowed down and parked the car about a block from the club.
"What are you talking about?" I frowned and unbuckled my seatbelt, "he's moved on."
"You know, the biochemical impact and bodily stress of heartache is a real injury, and it needs a proper recovery plan," he said before stepping out of the car. I frowned and did the same.
"So what?" I walked beside him. "He's still recovering?" I asked quietly, not wanting the rest of the team to hear.
"Uhm.. I don't think I can answer that question," he stuffed his hands in his pockets and began to walk faster.
JJ, Seaver and Dave were already standing at the entrance, waiting for the rest of us. I picked up speed to get in sync with Penelope and Derek. When I came up to them, Derek put an arm around my neck.
"How you doing?" He asked.
"Fine, what about you? Blocked New York's number yet?" I teased with a grin.
"I'm keeping them on speed-dial, just in case," he smirked.
"In case what?"
"In case you continue to be a pain in my ass," he laughed and squeezed my shoulder.
I gasped, "hey!" I elbowed him lightly in the stomach, "if anything, you're a pain in my ass."
We chose a booth in the back of the bar and three shots later, I felt light on my feet.
"Hey, Spence, you wanna play pool with me?" I asked and pointed at the pool table in the corner of the bar.
Derek and Penelope were dancing, Dave and Seaver were having their own conversation and JJ was over by the dart boards.
"Sure," he smiled and stood up from his seat.
"Wait, nope," I pushed him down again, "I changed my mind."
"Why?" He pouted.
"Because you will probably work out the perfect angle to get all the balls down on the first try," I answered, glaring at him.
"Yes," he said, "that's how you play," he furrowed his eyebrows.
"But it's unfair," I pouted.
"Okay," he smiled, "I promise I won't get them all in on the first try."
I looked at him suspiciously. He knew he was going to win anyway, and I knew that, too, so what was the harm?
"Deal," I said and extended my hand for him to shake.
He looked at my hand and frowned, "it's actually safer to kiss."
I withdrew my hand and shrugged. "Alright," I smirked, "come here, lover boy."
I reached out for him, but when my hands made contact with his arms I couldn't control my laughter any longer. He looked petrified, frozen and at a total loss of what to do. I laughed so much, a tear escaped my eye.
"I'm sorry," I said between breaths, "I'm.. I'm just fucking with you."
I calmed down and we walked over to the pool table. Dave and Seaver joined us and started a bet of who would win before we started, Seaver bet on Spencer, of course, and Dave on me. He knew as well as I did that he would never see that money again, but the vote of confidence made me feel warm inside. After five minutes of playing, Spencer won.
"I thought you said you'd take it easy on me," I complained, dumping the cue stick on the table.
"No, I said I wouldn't get them all in on the first try," he smiled, "huge difference."
"You're no fun," I pouted.
"Let me buy you a drink," Dave put a comforting arm around me and led us to the bar.
Penelope was standing at the bar surrounded by some girls, waiting for her drink, while Derek had sat down at one of the tables.
"You think you really have a shot with him, don't you?" I heard one of the girls saying to Penelope, and I frowned, were they picking on her?
"Excuse me, ladies," I said, walking up to them and standing next to Penelope, "I don't appreciate the way you're talking to my girl."
The blonde one laughed, "and who do you think you are? I haven't seen any guy trying to buy you a drink tonight," she said, trying to sound condescending.
"Honey," I smiled at her, "don't hurt your own feelings trying to hurt mine, I couldn't care less what you think of me." I leaned closer, whispering in the bully's ear, "but if you ever talk to my friend like that again, I will personally slit your throat and smoke weed with your windpipe," I threatened, voice dripping with venom.
"Let's just go, Alex," Penelope grabbed my arm and we turned around to leave.
"Whatever," the other girl huffed, "he probably likes whores anyways."
I stopped in my tracks, "oh, I know you did not just say that."
I turned around and was just about to throw hands when I was caught mid-air. Dave had stepped in between me and the girl, while Seaver was holding me back. I didn't want to be touched.
"Let me go, Seaver," I growled, "I can take them."
"I know," she breathed, "that's why I'm holding you back."
I twisted and turned in her grip, trying to wiggle my way out. I had to hand it to her, she had a strong grip. The alcohol and adrenaline coursing through my body was enough to give me a headache.
"Seaver," I warned her, "I won't hesitate to take you down."
"Good luck with that," she answered, "I was top of my class when I was training for the FBI."
"Well, I never finished college, so suck on that," I bit back.
"That's.. not usually something people brag about," Spencer frowned.
Dave had talked the girls into leaving at this point, so Ashley let me go. I huffed and pulled my dress down from where it was dangerously close to exposing my ass.
"I should take her home," Spencer said then and handed me some water, like he could sense my headache.
"Fine, let's go," Penelope pouted.
"No, you stay, you deserve to have a good time," I interrupted her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, it's my fault anyway, I started that whole thing," I shrugged.
"Oh, thank you!" She slurred her words, hugging me in a drunken state that was almost unbearable. I didn't want to be touched.
Halfway to our apartment, I sighed heavily and threw my head back on the seat as I realized we had to go back to the club.
"I don't have my keys," I said apologetically, "Pen locked up this morning, so I didn't bring mine."
"It's okay," Spencer said with a smile and changed route, "you can crash at mine."
"I don't want to intrude, let's just turn around and you can drop med off back at the club," I tried, knowing neither of us wanted to do that.
Spencer shook his head, "I insist."
"Alright," I admitted defeat.
I tried to focus on my breathing, but the anxiety bubbled inside my rib cage. I felt sick to my stomach. My chest was hollow, and then all at once it was filled with buzzing.
The car ride was agonizingly slow, we didn't say another word to each other for the remainder of the drive.
My heart twisted and sunk with nerves as we entered his apartment. I watched Spencer as he pulled out covers and a pillow and then dropped them on the couch.
"My bedroom's right in there, make yourself at home," he said and started to make the couch.
"You should sleep in your own bed, Spencer," I said quietly.
He looked up at me from his slumped position, he was trying to read me. I looked away and tapped my fingers against my thigh, hoping he would stop staring at me.
"It's okay," was all he said.
"No, I'll sleep here, I'm not that tired anyway," I walked around the couch and sat down on the cushions.
"If you're sure," Spencer yawned. "Are you okay?" He asked and reached out to stroke my arm.
I jerked back, not allowing him to touch me. And then I felt bad.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, but he just shook his head.
"You have nothing to apologize for."
I nodded and he disappeared into his bedroom without further questions.
When he had closed his door I made my way to the bathroom, running a hot shower as I felt the need to do something. If I distracted myself then the anxiety would go away, or at least I could ignore it. I stepped into the warm water, my head hurting as I rubbed my tired eyes.
The thoughts were accelerating inside my head, I wanted them to slow down so I could breathe, but they didn't. An invisible hand clasped over my mouth, I felt my ribs heaving as if bound by ropes, straining to inflate my lungs.
My breaths came in gasps and I was afraid I'd blackout when the floor started to spin under my feet. I was shaking as I sat down, my knees pressed to my chest and I closed my eyes, trying to regain some control, trying to make everything slow to something my brain and body could cope with.
I'm going to die.
I wanted to call an ambulance, but the phone was too far away. Sounds that were near felt far too away, like I was no longer in the body that was sitting on the shower floor. Too far away, everyone was too far away.
I don't know who to call, what's their number?
Who to call, too far away, he's gone, he went, breathe, what number, too far away.
Blackness.. Creeping blackness..
Where is he, what's my name, who to call, what's the number, the water's too hot, the room is spinning, too far away.
Blackness.