*TW: MENTIONS OF PAST ABUSE/SEXUAL ABUSE*
I definitely should have brought some kind of overcoat—after the adrenaline from first meeting the Troupe and then my fight with Phinks died down, I realized I was freezing. The late January air clawed through the thin, loose white button up I was wearing, and the leather pants weren't exactly stellar protection. My teeth chattered lightly and I shivered as a gust of wind ruffled my hair when Machi opened a trap door from where we were standing on the rusty stairs.
The night sky was beautiful, though—there weren't many city lights in this abandoned sector of York New, so the thousands of stars that twinkled, some much stronger than other faded ones, shone brightly against a dark, black blanket. Wispy clouds swirled around in the breezy atmosphere, and the sliver of moon showing was a gradient of white light behind a gray, misty covering. A slow sigh released from my lips as I gazed around absently at the tops of other run down buildings. There was a strange peace in the energy; I enjoyed it quite a lot. It made my mind feel clearer, despite the uncomfortable cold.
Carefully over the loose stones and gravel strewn lazily about on the roof, I walked behind Shalnark, who followed Machi and Shizuku closer to the edge. Heights was something I realized I was not very afraid of, surprisingly—I found it very sobering and solemn to look down from a high place, so when the others took their seats, I sat with my legs dangling off the ledge, leaning back on the rough rocks with my weight on my hands.
"What should we play?" Shalnark asked, his happy voice a welcome tone in the pretty silence.
"Let's play bullshit," Machi suggested, moving closer to me. "You're playing, right?"
"Hmm?" I looked up and nodded. "Oh, yes—I-I don't know how to play bullshit, though."
Shalnark laughed loudly, but it wasn't a jeering sound; it was a sort of exhilarated sound. I found myself chuckling quietly, too.
"Perfect! I love explaining this game." He began shuffling the deck skillfully, his fingers moving quickly through the memorized movement. "It's really simple—I'll deal out the cards until the deck is gone, and whoever has the Ace of Spades will lay it face down in the center with any other aces they have, announcing the number of cards in total. From there, we move clockwise, and the next person announces how many two's they're laying down, and then it's three's, and so on. We go until someone runs out of cards first; that person would be the winner. Simple enough?"
I blinked, my eyes feeling wide as I froze mid-turn where I was sitting so I could face them. Shal wore a large grin on his face, expectantly waiting for an answer.
"Um, sort of," I hedged.
Machi laughed softly and gestured for Shizuku to move closer, the two of them huddling together as the breeze picked up again.
"You also have to be a good liar to play this game," Shizuku pointed out, her childlike voice sounding gentle in the wide night. "There are only four of each number or category, so make sure you don't exceed four. But when you lay down your cards, you can include an extra of a different category. If I laid down two three's and a five, I'd say 'Three three's.' Only those who suspect me of lying can call bullshit—if they catch me, I take the deck; if I was telling the truth, they take the deck."
Shal nodded eagerly, watching me with twinkling green eyes. Biting my lip, I crossed my legs tightly beneath me and hunched slightly in the cold, my brows furrowed as I mulled over the instructions. He laughed again and began tossing cards out in piles for the four of us.
"Just follow along—you'll get it."
Tentatively, I watched as he dealt the deck with swift moments. Once again, as he did so, I could feel Machi's gaze on me, and I turned my head to look into her soothing blue eyes. They crinkled gently when a small smile turned up the edges of her lips, and I smiled back in return.
"The boss didn't tell me a lot about you, just that I'd like you when I met you," she murmured, tightening her hand around Shizuku's when she shivered. "He was right."
Her gaze shone admiringly. My eyebrows raised slightly, and I tilted my head. I agreed with her, though—in turn, I definitely felt an inherent comfortable energy coming from her, even if her exterior was hard and aloof almost. Something about her aura felt similar to mine in a way, like some memory or emotion that we both shared. It was a strange sensation.
"I think I know what you're talking about," I said quietly, gathering my cards and flipping through them absently. "What about me makes Chrollo right, though?"
Shal piped up with the fact that he'd landed the Ace of Spades and set down his first hand, passing off to Shizuku. Machi pulled a few cards out in advance and spoke while still gazing at her deck.
"What you've been through," she whispered, and her voice sounded far away now, pained almost. "I went through something similar, though it wasn't near the extent of your experience."
My heart paused in my chest for a moment as I stared with shocked eyes as her suddenly very lost, very dismal expression. There was a regret there, a vengeful hatred burning in her tired blue irises, irises which wished to conceive the ability to finally let go and forget, but burned heatedly with the forever-memory of being broken. All of it was muted, however—I felt my brows come down in empathy; I felt the constricting pain in my own rib cage as it flashed barely across her face, flitting and changing her features for only a moment. Then, the hard exterior was built up again; but I knew this was the reason I'd felt a connection to her in the first place.
"What do you mean... n-not near the extent of mine?" I breathed, hardly paying attention as I dropped two fours down on the center pile.
"Is that only two, (Y/n)?" Shal inquired mischievously.
Shizuku snickered to herself. Again, I looked up with wide eyes at the peppy blond.
"Y-yes, two fours." I smiled.
"Hmm." His eyes narrowed as he studied me playfully. "M'kay. Three fives for me."
"Oh, I don't believe that," Shizuku stated, pushing her glasses up and releasing Machi's hand as she furiously dug through her own stack of cards.
Machi chuckled and sighed softly, looking back up to me for a moment, expressionless.
"I was sold into prostitution when I was young," she whispered in monotone—Shal and Shizuku's banter kept them from really paying attention to what we were talking about, for which I was grateful. I didn't know how secretive Machi was trying to be. "My mother died giving birth to me, and my father was a drunkard. He sold me when I was seven years old, and I didn't get out until the age of ten, when an anonymous woman 'bought' me and set me free."
I was still as I examined her body language—it was calm, relaxed, but there was an underlying tenseness about it. Clearly these memories were painful for her, but she'd spent long enough burying them that the firm facade was default. Her pink hair ruffled wildly in the careful wind as it picked up—I shuddered and gripped tighter to my deck. My eyes pricked, and I couldn't tell if it was because of the cold or sudden tears.
"Thank you for telling me." I looked down and sniffed, pursing my lips and trying to control my reaction. "And thank you... for volunteering to accompany me."
I heard her inhale through her teeth and sigh, and she sat a bit straighter beside me.
"Don't get emotional about it," she muttered, but I could hear the caring tone her words still carried, and it made me smile slightly. "Any excuse for me to murder a few assholes will do."
A light, wary laugh bubbled up in my chest, and I rubbed my eyes, blinking furiously. When I raised my head again, Machi was laying down her cards, and then it was my turn.
The game didn't end up taking too long, and Shizuku was the first winner. Machi, Shalnark, and I kept playing until Machi eventually lost all of her cards. After that, the end was called—Shal said something about how it's impossible to lie in a game of bullshit with only two people. It had only been about twenty minutes when we were finished, which I was glad for. I found a strange freedom in sitting on that roof and playing card games with the three of them. Perhaps it had nothing to do even with having unfiltered, simple fun—rather, it had to do with who they were.
It felt odd to me, like I should be more cautious around them, but as we relaxed and conversation flowed into a playful banter, I realized I didn't care—not simply about the nature of the Troupe, but about the morals that came along with it. Even though there was a part of my conscience that felt pricked by the crime and bloodshed which I knew lingered behind every movement of the Spider, I understood that in the darkest part of my own, there was an unperturbed peace. I felt a oneness between those of the Phantom Troupe, a sort of unbreakable bond, even in aloof members like Feitan and Kalluto or hotheaded dumbasses like Phinks. It was almost like a sense of family, something that I'd never, ever been able to experience, and something that each of these people had also been deprived of.
Another thing—the Spiders were all so comfortable with each other. They knew exactly what it was they wanted; they didn't deny their bloodlust for the sake of a society who threw them out. Against my better judgement, I found it admirable. Though part of me wondered, a thought I almost wished nobody would answer for my own sake, just how far the Spiders were willing to follow the head. If Chrollo commanded it, it was law—what kind of laws had he put in place? I could already see that he enjoyed his comrades, despite how chaotic things could be; he was calm, relaxed around them, and he listened to what they had to say. He was not even the leader, necessarily; he was simply the head.
Hence the Spiders.
My conflicting conscience raged on as Machi tackled Shizuku into a cuddling position and Shalnark came to sit beside me, but I tried to keep it on a back burner for the time being.
"So, how long have you known the boss?" Shal questioned lightly, leaning back on his hands while I sat with my knees to my chest.
I blinked and scrunched my nose in thought.
"Almost three months," I murmured. "But it feels like it's been much, much longer than that."
He laughed cheerily and gazed forward, his green eyes focused loosely on Machi and Shizuku. Apparently, Machi had Shizuku pinned. I saw her brush her nose against the black-haired woman's and chuckle mischievously. I smiled softly.
"It's hard for me to imagine the boss in a relationship," Shal noted, thoughtful. "He's always been so one-track minded. Something big must have changed that fact for him."
There was no malice in his tone—it carried the sound of a sort of childlike wonder. I nodded and looked up at him, examining his joyful features and blond hair and almost-sparkly eyes.
"Yeah." I sighed, my voice quiet as I leaned back onto my palms, crossing my legs in front of me. "He's incredible—the only person I've found impossible to understand and yet entirely transparent. I love him."
The last words I spoke were nearly a whisper. Shal's head turned to me, a curious glint in his innocent gaze.
"Like the way Shizuku and Machi love each other?" he wondered aloud.
I grinned widely.
"Yes, exactly."
I heard Shizuku giggle loudly when Machi leaned down and kissed her neck. She shoved Machi away playfully and climbed into her lap, resting her head on the pink-haired woman's chest and clasping their hands together.
Shal's expression lifted as he laughed gently and nodded once.
"The boss is an interesting individual for sure," he agreed. "He doesn't make decisions lightly. Are you going to step up with him as head of the Spider?"
My eyebrows raised warily and I sighed, shrugging. My heartbeat always increased at the idea—I loved Chrollo for who he was, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to make his livelihood my own.
"I don't know." My voice was quiet again. "He never pitched the idea to me before, so I never really had time to think about it."
"He'll let you choose," Shal stated confidently. "What happened in there between you and Phinks has only ever been ordered once before—the boss is typically very cautious about in-group fighting, and he doesn't like to make absolute laws without consulting the rest of us first. He isn't a tyrant or even a governor. He's very oriented around the whole."
I bit my lip, feeling a sort of happy understanding between the two of us. It made me glad to see that a few of the Troupe members weren't completely opposed to me.
"How long have you known Chrollo?" I inquired curiously.
"Hmm..." he hummed, his eyes narrowing as he thought. "Six years? Seven, maybe? I'm not sure now. I don't remember a whole lot about my life before the Phantom Troupe was formed. It was very boring, but when the boss recruited me, I made friends with the rest of the founding members very easily. I feel like everyone deserves a good group of friends at some point in their life—it's something I hadn't realized was missing."
I know exactly what you mean.
Being forced to live a life of solitude or a fate worse than death can essentially trick someone into believing there's nothing else. Once again, I found myself admiring the vagabond family dynamic of the Troupe, and a smile turned up the edges of my lips.
"(Y/n)!"
Machi's voice brought my attention back to her and Shizuku.
"Yes?"
A wicked smirk played on the edges of her mouth, and she wrapped a gentle hand around Shizuku's throat as she spoke.
"Has he laid you yet?" she asked with morbid curiosity. "Or, was it you who laid him?"
Shalnark busted into a loud laughter that carried out into the night, and even Shizuku snickered from where she was held between Machi's legs. My face flushed immediately and I groaned, leaning my head back in embarrassment.
"Jesus Christ," I whined. "I mean, sort of...? Like, yes, but what are you even asking?"
Machi's smirk widened, and she tightened her grip around Shizuku's neck, holding her in place against her body. Shizuku grinned and eyed me knowingly through her glasses.
"Who's top and who's bottom?" she inquired slyly. "Who makes the other cry their name?"
I blushed fiercely at the memories of Chrollo on top of me or holding me above him, whispering commands into my ear and absolutely sending me to god. My mouth opened to reply, and my tongue felt cottony.
"Ch-Chrollo," I mumbled, hiding my face in my knees now, my hair falling down around my face.
"No way!" Machi groaned, releasing Shizuku and throwing her head back in frustration.
Shizuku giggled and turned to face her, lifting her head with a hand on either side of her face.
"I won!" she beamed. "You owe me dinner."
My brows came down over my eyes, and I buried my face deeper in my knees, tightening my arms around my legs. They were betting on me? And Machi thought I would be top? My face felt incredibly hot, and I tried to focus on the chilling night air to cool it down.
I guess, we've never tried the other way around... I suppose I did mention it to him and he seemed like he didn't care.
Machi and Shizuku fought together harmlessly over who would buy dinner and who really won the bet while my thoughts were racing.
I wonder how he would feel if I teased him the way he teased me?
Would he enjoy it? He didn't seem like the kind of person who would even necessarily mind too badly who was on top, but at the same time, he was so commanding and serious.
"Don't. Taunt. Me."
His velvety, husky voice replayed in my ears, but I could see the hidden desire and restrained lust in his eyes as the memory of his shadowed face played in my thoughts. Perhaps if we were in a different setting, and I taunted him...
I wonder what Chrollo looks like when he's begging... or at my mercy.
My stomach fluttered and my heart pounded excitedly, my head still shoved into my knees and hiding my probably beet-red cheeks. I wondered if he would try to stop me, but I realized I didn't think he actually would.
"You think you can keep me down long enough to edge me?"
Again, I heard his soft voice echo around in my mind, and I recalled the underlying eagerness in his body language and words, the way he loved it when I said his name, and the way I came undone whenever he spoke mine. I bit my lip so hard that blood was probably drawn as I began to wonder about the ways I could keep Chrollo down.
"(Y/n), do me a favor and top the boss for me," Machi called, interrupting my dangerous train of thoughts. "Make him whimper."
I looked up through my hair and eyelashes to see Shizuku lightly pinning Machi this time. It was obvious in their dynamic who was "top," as she called it, and who was "bottom." A small smile turned up the edges of my lips, and I nodded slowly, my face still flushed.
"I'll... be sure to do that," I promised.
A victorious laugh sounded from Machi, and she and Shizuku continued their teasing. As they did so, I felt Shal lean closer to me from where he was sitting, and my heart jumped a bit in my chest when his fingers moved my hair away from the back of my neck.
"That's the boss's symbol," he noted matter-of-factly. "Did he tattoo this on you?"
My head snapped up and my body felt tense, my expression almost sheepish as Shalnark pulled his hand away and gazed innocently at me, his green eyes full of questions. I wondered if it was safe for me to tell him, if Chrollo had intended for others to see the mark he'd given me.
Shal is a Troupe member. I'm sure he's safe.
"Um, yes..." I mumbled, reaching back again to feel the slightly raised lines which formed Chrollo's inverted cross. "H-he gave me that tattoo a few hours before we left for the meeting."
A strange understanding seemed to dawn on Shal, his eyes widening infinitesimally and glimmering with interest. I wondered if I was missing something as I sat a bit straighter and ran my hands through my hair nervously. Machi and Shizuku also paused and directed their attention to me as Shal fell quiet.
"Oh, babygirl, you're in deep," Machi chuckled warily, guiding Shizuku off. "Let me see that."
Pursing my lips, I slowly stood and moved closer to where they were, lowering again and bringing my hair to one side so Machi could examine the mark. I felt her cold fingers trace over it, and I felt my heart race for some reason.
I'm in deep...?
But it wasn't a fearful feeling. Rather, it almost felt like adrenaline. I knew Chrollo was serious when he gave me this tattoo, but how serious could he have been?
"Damn," Machi breathed.
Shizuku leaned closer, as well.
"Oh," she stated. "So, you do belong to the boss."
My stomach fluttered and I clasped my hands together roughly. Even though it was still freezing out there, my body suddenly felt warm.
Of course, I wanted to belong to Chrollo—but the way they all seemed to see this tattoo was in such a reverent, permanent light. It made me feel vulnerable, in a way. And obviously, I wanted to be, at least with Chrollo. I suppose I should have guessed, when he mentioned marking me, how serious he was about tattoos. In the back of my mind, too, I knew I'd given up my past and given myself entirely to him, but it felt so much more intense when these Troupe members noticed it and reacted the same way.
"Damn," Machi said again, leaning back. "Don't ever get second thoughts—not just for your own sake, but for his. He's marked himself just as much as he's marked you with this."
I turned, my eyes still feeling wide and wary as I looked between the two of them and then Shalnark when he moved closer as well, settling down beside me once more.
"What do you mean?" I inquired quietly.
Machi pursed her lips.
"He gave himself to you," Shizuku noted, raising an index finger as if in realization. "He bonded each of us with the Spider tattoos, but we all got those done in black-market parlors. If the boss tattooed you, himself, he's admitting defeat as well as a sort of ownership over you. It would make sense for him—he likes to claim the things he loves."
I blinked once, and then twice.
Ownership. And defeat.
"Aw, the boss loves her!" Shalnark smiled widely. "That'll be good for him."
Machi nodded slowly, and Shizuku held my gaze unreadably.
"You still need to top him for me," Machi commanded, pointing a finger at me. "Tie him down or some shit."
A genuine laugh escaped my lips at her words, and I shrugged, feeling sly.
"I think I will," I murmured.
I wonder if Chrollo can break ropes. Or chains.
My face flushed again at the thought, earning more snickers from Shizuku and Shal. Rolling my eyes, I leaned back and laid on the uncomfortable stone, and gazed lazily up at the pretty night sky, jewels dotted along a dark atmosphere, glimmering mysteriously.
If I was being honest, there was a large part of me that felt excitement at the idea of being only Chrollo's. Although words like "ownership" didn't always sit well with me, I knew that between the two of us, the feeling was mutual. Chrollo understood that I'd given myself to him completely, and in return, with the tattoo as a symbol of remindment, he'd given himself to me. The thought made my heart feel soft.
It wasn't long after that when Chrollo finally messaged me that we would be leaving, and Shal brought me back down to the basement. Shizuku and Machi stayed up on the roof, and I think I saw Machi pull out a joint, but I wasn't sure.
I like them a lot, I realized inwardly.
It was a good feeling; it felt nice to have people I could talk to and confide in. Shalnark gave me his number, as well as Machi and Shizuku's, and promised me that if I ever needed to talk, I could text him. That also made me smile.
Before Chrollo and I left, the one called Nobunaga stopped me, a relaxed, commending expression on his tired face.
"That was a pretty badass fight, woman," he acknowledged, nudging me loosely. "Are you gonna stick around for a while? You'd be a great addition."
I laughed and nodded hesitantly, shrugging at the same time.
"I'll probably be around so much you'll get sick of me," I hedged, unsure of how much of my decision I should let him in on. "Hey, um... tell Phinks I said the effects should wear off soon if they haven't already. Okay?"
Nobunaga howled loudly, leaning back against the wall and smacking a palm over his face. His chest heaved as he fought for breath through his wild laughter. My head lowered as a smirk raised the edges of my lips, and I rested my head in my hand, hiding my expression. Still cackling, he clutched his stomach and wiped his eyes.
"I-I'll be sure to let him know," he promised, his shoulders still trembling as he chuckled. "See you around, (Y/n)."
"Bye, Nobunaga," I called as I climbed into the passenger seat of Chrollo's sleek black car.
He waved to me as the engine purred to life and the vehicle slowly pulled out of the rubbled parking lot.
The music Chrollo had playing was low and muted, calming. I rested my head against the window as my eyes drooped—I was exhausted. The time on the clock read just past midnight, but he still looked wide awake, his wide gray eyes focused on the dingy intercity road in front of him, his body loose and comfortable.
"Are you tired?" he asked softly, his melodic voice soothing and sweet.
"Yes," I sighed. "But I'm glad I came. I like Machi a lot, and Shizuku and Shal and Nobunaga."
He grinned, his expression gentle, and reached easily over the dash with one hand to rest on my thigh. My heart fluttered, and I closed my eyes, resting a palm over his.
"That's good," he murmured, his grip tightening just barely. "You can sleep now, if you want to. Rest well, love."
I nodded slowly and smiled, playing absently with his fingers and tracing his porcelain skin. My limbs loosened, and I felt my breathing slow as the darkness of the car, Chrollo's beautiful lavender scent, and the pretty music lulled me into unconsciousness. Before I fell asleep, though, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, but I didn't check it.
That's probably Kassidy, I thought through a yawn. I wonder how much I should tell him about this mission... I'll be gone and unable to answer for a day or two, or three.
Maybe we'll finally get to know each other a little better if I tell him some truth, though.
In ten days, I will finally face my past.
And I still need to find time to top Chrollo for Machi. The idea made another lazy grin form over my lips as he took an exit onto the highway, and I finally succumbed to the exhaustion in my body.