A knock sounded at my door a few hours later. When I swung it open, I was welcomed to Nick. He looked different than he normally did. Sure, he had the same signature curly hair and lopsided smile, but in his slacks and button down shirt, it didn't feel like I was just standing in front of my best friend. It felt like more.
"Look at you. Ready on time," he commented, showcasing his wide smile.
"I tried my best." I spun around in a circle for him, showcasing my dress. "What do you think?"
He eyed me up and down, stumbling on his words, before settling on, "You look good." I couldn't help feeling disappointment bubble in my chest. Hours of getting ready just for him to say that I look okay?
It was fine. I barely cared what he specifically thinks. But it would be nice for him to think that I looked pretty. That's just a normal desire. Right?
His eyes scanned mine before he ran his hands through his hair and spoke. "Close the door."
"What?"
"You heard me. Close the door." Despite the confusion brewing in my head, I did what he instructed. Within a few seconds, knocks sounded again. When I opened it, Nick still stood in front of me.
"Will you please tell me why I had to close the door?"
"Because I wanted a do over."
"Why do you need a do-over?"
"So that I can tell you that you look absolutely beautiful, and I am so lucky that I get to go to Francisco's with someone as amazing as you."
A giant smile crept on my face. His lopsided grin was back, and in an instant my whole body grew warm from his compliment.
"What was that?" I asked. "I don't think that I heard you very well. Maybe I should close the door and you can say it again."
Nick's hand stopped the door before I had the chance to close it. "Very funny. Now are you ready to go eat some overpriced pasta?"
"Absolutely."
I locked the door to my dorm room and followed him into the elevator. I couldn't help but feel overwhelming happiness. This was the guy that I wouldn't have trusted with my heart a year ago. Now, looking at him, I wouldn't believe for a second that he would ever intentionally hurt me. If only things had been different that summer. Then maybe this night at Francisco's wouldn't just be between two friends. The most confusing part is that I'm not sure which reality I would like to see more.
"Here," Nick said, interrupting my thoughts. He passed me my wide brimmed reading glasses. "You left these in my room the other day. I figured that you might want them back before break."
"Thanks," I took them from him and threw them in my clutch. I would put them away when I got back to my dorm. Nick led us to the parking lot, where the light blue of his pickup true was unmissable.
"We finally get to take this baby for a spin," he said as he opened the door for me. Hopping into the passenger side had not grown to be any easier of a task over the time that I had known him. Unless I grew a few inches taller, I don't think that it will ever be.
"I'm still sad that we can't drive around that much here. Everything is within walking distance," I said. He climbed into the driver's seat beside me.
"True, but that just makes the time that we do get to spend driving even more special."
As he drove, he fiddled with the radio and looked up at me when it landed on a country station. No doubt, he was waiting for me to swat his hand away from the console or to complain about the song selection, but today I was quiet.
"Nothing?" he asked skeptically. "Is this some type of prank?"
"No, I actually don't mind listening to country today." He lightly pinches the skin of my arm, and I slapped his hand away.
"Sorry, I'm just trying to wake up the real Leighton, because there is no way that you want to listen to country music."
"Hey, give me some credit! I used to listen to your country music all of last summer."
"Yeah, but ever since you came here, you have been an adamant hater of the genre. It's like country music traumatized you."
"Well, consider tonight an exception. I'm feeling in a reminiscent mood, so the music can stay." He looked up at me, his eyes bright and hopeful.
"I'm feeling the same way."
He rolled the windows down, and as the cool night air rushed through the car, cooling my flushed skin, I was taken back to the first roads of the ranch; Back to the feeling of when my hands were in his, and despite all the hurt he had caused me, there was no one else that I would rather give the opportunity to break my heart to. But trying to recreate the old scene was like trying to imagine a caterpillar from the image of a butterfly. Too much had changed. Too much time had passed.
When we arrived at the restaurant, I soon learned why the food was so expensive. Looking at the building, the beautiful vines draped over detailed limestone bricks, Francisco's seemed like a cottage straight out of the italian countryside. When the valet in front saw Nick's car, his eyebrows raised. I was sure that he didn't see many cars like his here often. However, despite the slight rust and a few scratches, Nick's car was my favorite.
After checking our reservation, the hostess led us to a secluded booth in the corner near the window. When she left, Nick turned towards me.
"I'm pretty sure that this menu contains no English whatsoever." When I looked down, I realized that he was right. It was all Italian, and most of the dishes I had never heard of.
"Regardless, we are on a singular mission. We have to try their chicken alfredo. Everyone says that it's amazing."
He nodded his head. "Sounds good to me."
"Unless you think that's too basic? Do you think that we should try something new?" It would suck to come all the way to the same restaurant and only try one thing."
Nick shook his head at me. "You are the most indecisive person I know. How about I order a different plate, you order chicken alfredo, and we can share."
"Have I ever told you how smart you are?"
He smiled and told the waitress our order. As we waited for our food, a new set of tension enveloped over us. For once, I didn't know what to say. Usually, I would just spew some random story about my class or my friend, but now, I didn't want to say just anything to him. There was so much that I wanted to say, but those words were even unknown to me.
He broke the silence. "Do you remember our first date?"
My excitement instantly built at the memory. I wanted so badly for the night to go perfectly, and for the first time in my life, it was a day that actually lived up to my expectations.
"You took me to that small Italian restaurant. It had the best food. I bet that even if this pasta is amazing, it would pale in comparison to theirs."
He laughed. "When you come back we'll have to do a fair comparison." My heart grew at his words. When I come back, not if. It felt so nice to know that Nick and I weren't just temporary. Having him in my life as a friend has made him a permanent fixture in my life, and one that I can't go without. Just the idea of endangering that bond, the idea of potentially losing him in the pursuit of trying to make us something more, is scarier that the thought of missing my psych final.
"How is your mom doing on the ranch?" I asked. "I haven't talked to her in forever."
"She's doing okay. We're actually putting it up for sale."
"What?"
Nick loves the farm. I had never seen someone care so deeply for something. The idea of them living anywhere else is unfathomable.
"It's just a lot of work with me being gone and everything. The truth is, the ranch was what my dad loved to do, and we all loved my dad, so the ranch became our love too. But it's time for us to find what we love to do on our own."
"Aren't you sad? That's the place where you grew up."
"Of course I'm sad, but I'm happy to. I think that we could all use new beginnings." He fiddled with the silverware on his plate. He looked sad but peaceful. I knew right away that this was the best move for him.
"So, when is the last time that I can go before this ranch is nothing more than a distant memory?"
Nick looked up at me with a smile. "I was hoping this summer? After that we're going to be putting it on the market." Another summer with Nick sounded amazing, but scary. I had no doubt that if we were in the same environment as we were before, all of those feelings would come rushing back in full force, and I would have no power to stop them.
He took my silence as a no. "You don't have to, I just thought that it would be nice to end my time at the ranch by recreating one of my best summers there. But I understand that you probably want to hang our with your high school friends, so-"
"Shut up, Nick. I would love to go to the farm with you." His entire face lit up, and mine did to. Despite my fears, I know that spending my time there with him would be a memory that I would cherish forever.
The food arrived, and the steaming hot plates were set down in front of us. When I took a forkful of the pasta, my taste buds were instantly overwhelmed by the rich, creaminess of the sauce. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, wanting to savor the moment. The pasta undoubtedly lived up to the hype.
When I opened my eyes and looked back at Nick, he was looking back at me. His pasta was untouched.
"What?" I asked, wiping at the corner of my mouth. "Do I have pasta on my face or something?"
He shook his head. A small smile sat on his lips. "It's nothing."
However, when I looked back at his face, I recognized where I had seen his expression before. It was the expression he shared on our first date, as he looked across the table at me. As I held my eyes to his, I felt the same tension between us that brewed our first night. Despite the time that had passed, and the growth that occurred between us, I found myself back in that booth, looking across at Jax, and knowing deep within my heart that I love him. That love, no matter what happened between us, has never gone away. Sitting in front of him now, I was positive that it would never leave. We don't speak, but as we stared back at each other, words were unnecessary. We knew what the other was thinking. I wanted so badly to reach out for his hand, for his cheek, for a kiss, but I stopped myself. Despite my feelings, the logic in my head wouldn't change. I needed Nick, more than I had ever needed someone in my life. I wasn't not sure if I could handle losing him.
I broke eye contact with him, and just like that, the moment was over. We spoke freely for the rest of the night about the future, the past, and everything in between. But from the sneaked glances that we took at one another, we each knew that this dinner had shifted something. Something that I wasn't ready to face.
The dinner was wonderful, and on the drive back, I tried with all my might to etch every detail into my memory. I never wanted to forget about how being with Nick made me feel. Tomorrow, we would wake up as friends, but tonight, I allowed myself to envision something more. Before heading in for the night, we both stopped in front of my dorm room.
"I had a lot of fun," I said, looking up at him. His eyes seemed even brighter under the fluorescents of the hallway.
"I had a lot of fun, too."
His hands brushed through my hair and tucked it behind my ear. His touch against my ear lobe was enough to make my breath catch in my chest. We stood frozen in this moment of time for what felt like forever. Then, he became aware of our proximity and his actions, and dropped his hand.
"We should probably go to bed. We both have to head home tomorrow." He avoided looking into my eyes.
"Probably," I said, and after waiting a few more moments for any sort of action that never came, I entered my dorm room.
What just happened between us? Why did I want more? So many questions and more swirled inside my head, creating a tonic of exhaustion and confusion that made me just want to lay down and sleep. I slipped off my dress and hung it up before emptying the contents of my purse onto my desk. I put back my reading glasses into my desk drawer. However, my hand lingered on a piece of white paper that fell beside it.
As I inspected it for any clues of its meaning, it hit me. This was the letter that Nick gave me the night of the dance. The letter than I never opened. The letter that I knew would break my heart upon my reading the first word. I didn't know if I was even strong enough to open it now, but I did know that my restraint was much weaker than it was a year ago.
So, I tore open the envelope and read.
Dear Leighton,
When you're reading this, you probably hate me, and I don't blame you for doing so. All you ever did was try to love me, and all I ever did was use that love as a tool to hurt you. I know that you don't want to see me again, but I figured that if I would have the opportunity to tell you something one last time, it would be this.
I love you. I love you more than I thought was possible. I love you more than I love the ranch and all the time that I've spent here. More importantly, I love you more than I love myself. That lies the problem with me. With us. There lies the reason why we were doomed to fail the moment that I saw you enter that barn.
I want to make you happy. I want to hear you smile and laugh for the rest of my life. When I'm with you, I feel like happiness isn't unattainable. But all along, it's been selfish of me to put the burden of my wellbeing on you. Because when you're not around I don't laugh or smile. When you're gone, everything in my life that was light is dark, and suddenly I question if my life even has any meaning at all.
You deserve someone better. Someone who can make you unbelievably happy. Someone who doesn't come with enough grief for the both of you. Someone who doesn't force you to carry the entire weight of their world on your shoulders alone.
I hope that one day I can be that guy for you. That one day I can work through this grief that is eating me from the inside and find a way to be me again. I want you to know that I'm trying. I'm trying to be that man not just for you, but for myself. But, when that time comes, I have no doubt that you would have found someone that you can rely on, and who can make you happy beyond compare.
So, I just want you to know that I have never stopped and will never stop loving you. I will always be jealous of the guy who can call you his.
Forever,
Nick
I couldn't stop the tears that flew down my face at his words. It hit me then that the man that would make me unmeasurably happy, the man I can rely on, is Nick. Trying to keep us friends so that I didn't have to lose him is futile, because we were meant for each other. Every second spent apart was only a second wasted.
I wiped off my tears and threw on a hoodie before leaving my dorm room and knocking on his door. After a few moments, he opened the door in nothing but his pajama pants and a confused look. When he spotted the redness of my glassy eyes, his eyes widened.
"Jesus, Leighton. Are you okay?" I ignored his question and held up the letter.
"Do you still mean what you wrote?"
Nick looked even more confused. "What are you talking about? Are you sure that you're alright? You're acting weird."
A tear ran down my face. "You said in the letter that you wrote me that you would always love me." It finally dawned on him what I am holding up, and he blushes a deep red.
"I didn't mean to upset you when I wrote that. I understand that you don't feel that way about me."
I shook my head. "But I do feel the same way. I've just been scared of you hurting me again. I have grown so close to you this year, and I don't want to lose you. I figured that it would be better to have part of you than to have none of you at all. But I'm done being scared. I've spent my whole life that way."
He opened his door wider now, his face a blend of unreadable emotions. "What are you trying to say?"
Instead of answering him, I grabbed him by his neck and pulled his lips down onto mine. Without hesitation he kissed me back, and I poured all of my emotions from this past year into this one kiss.
When I pulled away, Nick tried to speak, but I cut him off. "I need you to know that I still love you. I always have. If you don't feel the same way, that's okay, but I can't spend another second without you knowing how I feel."
Nick's face busted into a smile. "Of course I still love you Leighton, it would be impossible for me to stop."
He leaned down for a kiss again, but this time, our lips moved softly and slowly. There was no rush to push passion into our touch, because we were both confident that this wouldn't be our last kiss, but our first of many.
"Do you want come in?" he asked a wide smile on his face, and I laughed. "Yeah, I would really like that."
That night, we fell asleep in each other's arms. Things felt different than they were a year ago. That was inevitable. But it changed for the better. With each day that we spent together, I learned why I loved Nick so much, and why I would always need him by my side.
If anyone asked me if I would take back that summer of hurt if I could still be as happy as I was with him today, I would say no in a heartbeat. Because every memory that I got to spend with him, good and bad, is a memory that I will cherish forever.
When we eventually got married, much to the happiness of our mothers, and had our bustling family that I wouldn't trade for a heartbeat, I am never at a loss of gratitude for that trip I spent, the junior year of high school, to that random ranch in Georgia.
THE END