Heart Broke Journal

2: stage one (denial)

You know, it feels really good to listen to love songs or heart break songs when you can't relate to them. It feel so good to blast and scream the lyrics to 'Loner' by Kali Uchis when you have no emotional connection to it. When you have absolutely no experience to those types of songs whether the situation is platonic or romantic.

But when you have that relationship (like I said, platonic or romantic) and it doesn't go where you wanted it to go, it hurts. Your hurt is justified. Your hurt is valid and don't forget it. It may not come to you right away, but that first feeling you'll more than likely get is denial.

On Halloween I was in for the biggest rude awakening of them all. After weeks of bad things constantly happening to me without my control, I was finally starting to feel like I was getting my life together again. I started to feel better about myself. I started to get used to the routine between work, school, and maintaining a relationship.

Although things were going great, I could feel the tension that rose between my ex and I. The day the earth stood still, he instantly became passive aggressive. He was cold, rude, petty, and over all he completely changed. The only constant that remained was that our sex life was still intact. Even that too, did slowly begin to crumble.

When I started to pick up on these attitudes he was portraying, it made me question myself. I knew that I was taking a toll on him. He took a long time to admit it, but I always felt it. Even though I was getting better, I felt a growing resentment and it caused me to question my every move. Every thought.

I would always think that I was saying the wrong thing. I thought that I wasn't acting correctly. I even brought myself to the point where I thought sex could clear thoughts and feelings up. I was obviously wrong. I could just feel him pushing me away and I was starting to go crazy (in private) because I didn't know why. No matter how many times I asked him if things were okay, or if he was okay, he would always lie and tell me that things were "fine" when in reality, they weren't.

So here comes Halloween. I spent over $50 on a Lyft to go see him because I'm not yet comfortable driving on the freeway and we'll, I don't have car insurance. I get there. Everything seems okay. I suddenly felt the love that was there before. I was finally able to feel the presence that had been missing for weeks. It felt like he was there and alive. I felt the warmth from his aura. I felt everything that I had felt when we first got together. When we first fell in love.

We watched movies, talked about what felt like everything. In that moment, everything just felt so right. I had vivid thoughts about when we came back into each other's lives after 6 years of not knowing each other. I thought about how crazy it was that after all these years of knowing each other, I was finally dating my childhood crush. I thought about the sweet moments and I thought about the bad moments, but I had a positive view on it all. I knew I was getting better and I wanted to be better. The way I saw things, I saw them moving into a greater light. I couldn't wait to grow with him and as an individual.

Of course we had sex that night. That night it felt almost unreal. It felt euphoric. Part of me could feel my soul intertwine with his. Nothing else in the world mattered to me. I was only focused on us and our pleasure.

My main Mistake was that I asked him to tell me that he loved me. I didn't think of it too much or how it would've affected him. I knew that he loved me, but I didn't realize that asking him to say it while he was literally inside me would have such a negative affect.

After we finished, we laid there. He laid on top of me. Kissing my cheeks, my neck, my chest. I kept thinking to myself "didn't you want this?" In that moment, the feeling faded. Everything that I had felt was wrong came back to me. I didn't understand why, but I felt something wrong.

I asked him if he was okay and that's when it happened. He looked me in the eyes with dead eyes. He said ,"I don't think I'm emotionally ready to be in this relationship with you."

My world stopped. Everything was still. I had stopped breathing but my heart was beating fast. I was frozen, but the tears fell from my eyes and I couldn't stop them. I couldn't even make a sound. I was at loss for words.

The rest of that night is a bit of a blur. There were too many things on my mind that wouldn't leave. He tried to talk to me, but I couldn't hear. I could see his lips moving, but I heard no sound.

Never in my life had I ever felt so used, dirty, betrayed, cheated, defeated, and the list goes on.