just friends

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[fushiguro's pov]

"megumi."
he's gotten sad all of the sudden. my eyes are fixated on his squinted eyes and closed smile. "what... is it?"
he takes a seat. "nothing. just felt like saying your name."
"oh..." for some reason, i'm as nervous as he is sad. he usually wears his heart on a sleeve, but right now it's tucked away. i can't make out anything from him.
"tell me why you're sad," i decide to say as i lay down next to him. even though the bed's right there, we're on the bare floor together. i'd laugh if it didn't seem out of place.
"me? sad?"
"who else?"
"well, i can't tell you."
"why?"
"i don't even know why myself."
i sit back up, shift my weight so i'm facing him. i place my hands on his shoulders, looking intently into his eyes. this gets him to smile.
"what are you up to?" he asks, an eyebrow raised as he leans closer. we're close enough to exchange body heat amid the cold and bare room.
"nothing."
"nothing, huh?" he presses his forehead against mine. i close my eyes. i'd wrap a blanket around us if i could.
"just wanted to see you smile without pain," i say, breathing in his scent.
"what made you think i was in pain?"
"it was written all over your expression. don't you know it's impossible to hide things from me?"
"talk about a loss of privacy."
"i'm just glad you're alive."
"and better than ever."
"you think?" i move just a little so he falls onto my shoulder.
"i'm getting used to it. slowly but surely."
"you're doing great." the spikes of his hair under my palm give me a tingling sensation as i brush them.
"can we keep doing nothing, just like this? it's nice. i don't have to worry about anything for once."
"whatever you want." as i hold him and feel his warmth, i can't help but think: i'm so lucky.
"but i'm kinda cold. carry me to the bed, will you?"
we end up laughing as i struggle to lift him up and into the sheets. but once i do, he reaches for me and pulls me close, burying his face in my chest.
"what happened to being just friends?" i ask as the nuzzling ensues.
"we are. i'm just cold."
"alright." i move the covers a little higher so his shoulders feel the warmth. "i see how it is."
"so you wanna be more than friends?"
"i never said that."
"i know. but do you?"
what do i say to this?
"no. why would i?"
"good point." he exhales, his grip on me loosening. i need to do something, quick.
"i mean, not that no one wants to. you're just a really good friend to me, is all."
"well, i'm glad i am." he's smiling on the outside, but it doesn't seem like he is inside.
"you're sad again." i get the feeling i'm hurting him more than i'm helping now.
"who cares? let me be sad in peace." he chuckles to himself at this, and i sigh, running a hand through his hair.
"don't be sad. be happy."
"give me one solid reason why i should."
"because you'll make me sad if you're sad."
"good." he moves away, clutches his knees to his chest. his eyes are misty as they stare down the folds of the covers between us.
"i'm surprised you like me," i comment to fill the air.
"what makes you think that?" that crestfallen gaze of his shifts to me, lightens up a little.
"i have a knack for getting people to leave me alone, but somehow you've bypassed that. gojo-san was right about you having a few screws loose."
"hey. i get to choose who i want to spend time with here."
"tell me why i'm worthy."
"worthy? you're making me sound like i'm more than just an ordinary guy trying to live his life."
"you don't think you are?"
"i mean, now that i have a duty to uphold, some things changed. but most things didn't."
"what didn't change?"
"i'm still kinda lazy. i'm still single. uh... my hair?"
i'm laughing as to how clueless he is at answering. "all those things could easily change, y'know."
"i think i'm fine with my hair as is. don't see myself with any other style. i'll work hard if i really need to, but... do me a favor and find me a girlfriend, will you? that's long overdue."
"no." the punch in my voice is stronger than intended.
"how come?" he crosses his arms, frowns.
"'cause i won't get to spend as much time with you."
"what a shame. couldn't feel more sorry for you."
"dick," i say, averting my gaze. his laugh immediately lightens me back up.
"you're moody. it's cute."
"cute?"
"what?"
"what?"
he's trying not to break into laughter again. now's the perfect time to deploy the tickle.
a minute later, the sheets have been reduced to a complete mess. our sides hurt from laughing too much. his happiness has lit up the entire room.
"i hate you," i say.
"huh? why?" i could fall in love with the disappointment in his voice.
"because i can't."
"can't what?"
"hate you."
"oh? why's that?"
"look at you, getting smug all of the sudden. is my attention worth that much?"
he nods. i could lean in to kiss him right now.
not knowing what to say, i just stare at him. study him like a setting sun. he's smiling like an idiot, and soon i am too. we just stare and stare until i blink and he points in my face, laughing as he declares victory.
"that was a staring contest, right? sucks to lose, especially when you're the one to initiate it."
"shut up. i wanted to see what color your eyes were."
"huh? don't you know that already?"
"i just... wanted to make sure."
"uhh-huh." he purposefully widens his eyes so i can give them a closer look.
"pretty," i say, leaning close. our noses are about to touch when he pushes me away, laughter becoming nervous. "yours are prettier."
"think it's 'cause of my girly name?"
"no. they just are."
"have you ever been told yours are pretty?"
"no. why?"
"good. i'm the first one then."
"and?"
"congratulate me."
"do it yourself, you dork." he turns around, back facing toward me. i sigh, moving an arm over him. "let me be a dork in peace, will you?"
"no." he pulls my arm closer. this is fine. i'm fine.
i love you, i want to say, but instead i wind up saying, "i hope you die peacefully."
"me too," he says. we're quiet for a while until he says, "i'm dying first."
"why?"
"i can't stand the thought of seeing you go."
"who knew you could be such a smooth romantic?" i manage to say as i struggle to stay calm. "color me impressed."
"it's not romantic. we're just friends."
"right." i rest my lips on his hair, breathe in the scent. it smells like flowery velvet, a surprise to me.
"i miss you." his voice is so tiny i could cup it in my hands and hold it right to my chest.
"why? i'm right here."
"no you're not," he persists.
"what?"
"you're not being genuine with me."
"what do you mean? i am."
"you're not."
"and how can you tell?"
"you just admitted to it by saying that."
i roll my eyes. he can be such a kid sometimes. "i'm here. you can literally feel me."
"but you're not. you're pretending to be something you're not."
"am i?"
"something tells me."
i kind of get what he's saying. he's right: i am trying to be subtle about my feelings toward him.
"how much do you like me?" i ask.
"not much," he says. "ouch," i say, trying my best to take it as a joke.
"you're not easy to get along with. you can be dull and boring sometimes."
"ouch! don't you know how much that stings?"
"i'm sorry if you didn't want to hear that."
"you better be." i huff to myself.
"truth hurts," he teases. "screw you," i say.
"anything you don't like about me?" he offers.
"i don't like that you like other people."
"so you're basically saying i should only like you?"
"pretty much."
"wow."
"just wow?"
"just wow."
i want to kiss him. i want to kiss him. "why are you letting me do this to you?"
"do what?"
"hug you."
"because it feels nice."
"it doesn't feel wrong?"
"i never said it felt right."
"but is it?"
a pause. "i don't know."
"i think it's fine."
"sure, it's fine. but is it right?"
"who knows."
"who knows."
i hold my breath to sync with his. there's something happening, something special clicking as we breathe in, breathe in, breathe out, breathe out. it's so intimate and so raw that i feel scared. i don't want to break this moment apart.
"why do i feel this way to you?" he practically whispers. something in me pauses, holds itself in place.
i want to say something, but i know i can't.
"i don't want to do this anymore."
"what? why?" i'm becoming brittle.
"i'm supposed to be fine without wanting more. i don't want any more. this is more than enough. and yet..."
"you want more?" i whisper. after a moment passes, he nods.
i hold him tighter. he sharply inhales.
"i hate you."
"good."
my hand finds his wrist. my thumb crawls into the space over his. i feel like crying.
but he doesn't notice. because he's the one who's actually started to cry.
i can feel it. the way his chest has tightened as he tries to conceal it. but i know. it's futile, i say to him in my head.
why don't we get together already, you may ask. why don't you just say it. tell him you love him.
me? i like staying in the gray area. it's comforting. it's fun. but it's also painful.
it's dangerous. i don't know how else to describe it.
i want to be more than friends. but i know that comes with many risks. what if he doesn't love me back? what if he really only likes girls? what will happen once he dies? if he gets injured beyond repair? if he falls out of love? what if?
"megumi?"
"what... what is it?"
"i've been trying to ask you something."
"repeat it again. one more time."
"never mind. you'll never hear it."
"tell me, damn it."
"too late."
"i'll leave if you don't."
"fine. that's... fine with me."
"you hesitated."
"just go if you mean it."
"okay."
i untangle, unslip, unwind. something in me sinks and tears as i distance myself from him.
i can't make out his expression concealed in the shadows. he's still as he lays on his side.
just as i'm about to walk away, he asks: "are you really going to go?"
i swallow. my legs feel weak.
"you told me to. so i am."
"you don't have to listen to me."
"i don't get you." i take a few more steps forward. don't look back. don't look back.
i look back. his face is under the blankets.
"aren't you going to suffocate like that?" i ask, the air so heavy with his sadness that I'm having difficulty breathing.
"just go."
i sigh. i find myself walking back before i can think about it. i kneel by the bedside, gently uncovering him.
his eyes are swimming. they're overcast, about to spill. he doesn't look at me.
"look at you, wanting me to go."
"i hate you with every fiber of my being."
"aw," i say, reaching to wipe the border of his eyes, but he swipes it away, grabbing my wrist instead.
"i'm holding you hostage."
"you're pulling me back in after pushing me away, huh?"
he doesn't say anything. i rest my cheek on the bed, studying his pained expression up close.
"i changed my mind. that's all."
"did you." i play with his hair a little, and he tugs his lip on his teeth as i do.
"that must hurt."
"not as much as you're hurting me."
i stop what i'm doing. "how can i stop hurting you?"
"wipe my memory clean of you."
"that wouldn't be good. nor possible."
"well, then leave me be. i don't want to talk to you anymore."
"i love you."
time comes to a standstill. it resumes when i say, "kidding."
"ah." his smile goes straight to my soul and pierces right through it. i think i'm bleeding now. it's okay. i deserve it.
"do you want me here or no?" i ask.
"can't decide."
"then it'd be better for me to go."
"why?"
"because i don't have to keep hurting you."
"why do you have to hurt me? why can't you hug me and be there for me again instead?"
"because i don't want to."
"why?" he's crying. i'm the worst.
"because... i'm a coward. i'm scared of commitment. i don't want to get too close."
"well, fuck that. just be there for me, will you?" he's angry. desperate. it's twisted, how much i love it.
"can't you see i'm not a good person? can't you see i don't deserve this? can't you see this isn't right?"
he goes cold. this is when i know there's no way to salvage this anymore.
"i hope you'll leave me alone now," i continue, trudging on with shallow breaths. "i hope this is enough for you to decide i'm not worth your time."
i'm crushing him. it's horrible, this catharticism that i feel. i need to go. i need to go. but then: "you're trying to convince yourself this isn't going to work out. you're trying to break me so you don't have to worry about being broken by yourself. but i won't have it. fix yourself before facing me again."
his gaze is steadfast. the sea in his eyes has frozen over, glistening breathtakingly. i'm shocked.
"okay," i say, swallowing. "i'll try."
"don't just try. do it. i'll be waiting."
i smile. "you're amazing, you know that?"
he doesn't respond. i understand.
"night." he doesn't respond to this either.
before i open the door, he says my name. i look back one more time.
"where's my good night kiss?" he's smiling again. that's all i needed to see.
"screw you," i say, gripping the door handle. i feel like the worst. how could i have let things end up this way?
"love you too," he says, but i can't hear the joking in his voice anymore. he's looking down at his hands, squeezing his fingers one by one.
i step in his direction. i take another. and another. and before i know it, i'm in front of him.
he looks up at me, surprised.
"what are you-"
i lean down to kiss him. slow. long, careful. sure, scared, hopeful. when i pull away, the light in his face has returned, his eyes wide as he stares past me. i then turn and walk away without a word, opening and closing the door without a sound.
my back slides against the front of his door. i hold my head in my hands. i clasp my hands over my mouth. i look up at the ceiling. stare up at it as i think about nothing but the fact that he's behind me, most likely still motionless at the edge of the bed. i make my way to my room. i close the door, climb in bed. i grab a pillow, hug it, look on silently without a thought.
and then it all comes crashing down at once.