Purpose

Childhood

Have you ever wondered what it's like to relive everything over again? To see faces, friends, and family just one more time? I have my entire life yet when it was my time to relive everything, I didn't realize I would be reminded of small things that would make me laugh, smile, cry, and...  feel so alone. If you're reading this, you're about to experience everything.

It was warm and dark, but that quickly passed as bright lights pierced my eyes in a flash. I put my hands on my ears as I felt myself being wrapped around something warm. I stopped cupping my blushed ears and felt the touch of my mother's soft hands touch my hand. Mother.

I could hear loud yelling as I looked up to see a giraffe, dinosaur, and kitten hang down. My crib, I whispered to myself, as I put myself back into the vision of my baby-self. I reached up as far as I could to try and touch the fluffy belly of the kitten, but my arm lazily slumped down as I fussed angrily. The yelling quickly grew as I screamed with anger. My father picked up my warm body as I felt his strong hands rub my back. Father.

I walked towards the camera that was held by my father while my mother crouched down in a duck position holding my tiny hand. As I reached my father, he picked me up in joy as my mother clapped slowly in front of me. I felt a smile being drawn out of me as my dad and mom smiled profoundly in front of me. I saw my mother kiss my father with such passion as my father placed me in my crib gently. I quickly stood up to see my mother under my father, and I could see the lips of my father open and close. As soon as they closed, my mother burst in tears and gave him a small slap. I could feel this relived moment slip as I moved past to the next scene.

Christmas. My third Christmas. I was born in April and so I had gone through many Christmases, but why am I remembering this one first? Why not my first? Or second? My thoughts scattered as my mother's booming voice brought my first gift wrapped in a shiny purple wrapping paper. I ripped the gift open and hungrily used my teeth to open the well-wrapped gift. Inside the box, it had clothes. Onesies, hats, and socks. Apparently, my baby body was not happy with what I received as I boredly yet aggressively asked for more presents. My dad handed me a tiny red box that had a white bow on top, and I LOVED bows. I laughed to myself as I watched my relived-self put the bow on my head. I then opened the gift to see a necklace with the initial O in gold engraved on the stone.
I'm remembering this because of this necklace. The necklace I wore until my last breath. The necklace that saved my life. The necklace that was mine. My parents gently wrapped it on me, but my 3 year-old self would not understand the importance of this necklace until later. My father and mother hugged me as tears swelled up in my mother's eyes. What was she saying? Obviously, I did not understand because I was 3, but I knew whatever it was it were words of love and joy.

4. I heard the screams of my mother and father in the kitchen. I quickly walked over to see my dad slam the counter with his hands. The slam made my ears ring as the sound of everything bleached out in fear. My legs carried me as far away from the kitchen as possible as I reached my stuffed chicken. The stuffed toy's head bulged from my arms as I slowly peeked from behind the couch. My mouth opened wide yet nothing came out of my gaping mouth. Drops fell onto my lap as I felt my nose burn with sadness. My heart pumped hard yet ached with sorrow for myself. The house rattled once more as the crying of my mother stiffened. My eyes shut tight, waiting for an impact, but soft hands lifted me from my corner into arms. My mother. Carried onto the bed, my mother cuddled me close and gently rubbed my head in relief. It was over.

I opened my eyes to see myself lying in a room yet my pillow was soaking wet as if I had taken a shower with it. I picked up my head to see one of the messiest rooms I've ever seen. I remember this I thought to myself as I felt my relived-version of myself experience deja-vu. I turned on my lamp as my eyes were caught by a picture frame of my father.

"Dad, why did you leave me..." my voiced cracked as I fell back onto my bed. Tears ran down my face as if it were a forever running faucet. I clutched myself hard as my head pounded with pain. I could feel my relived-self die inside. But I knew it didn't end here. Suddenly, my door slammed open and the intoxicating smell of alcohol fixed it way into my nostrils. Quickly, I grabbed onto my necklace and waited for it to happen. I felt hands touch my leg and rise up to my thigh as I whimpered in fright. However, the sound of a kettle startled him, and he quickly rushed to the kitchen as I stumbled behind him to lock the door shut.
My father had left in my early years and my mother needed support. She had gotten remarried to this drunk and gotten into gambling. I remembered when this was. I was 11 when he started touching me. But I was 12 when he, too, left my mother.

My heart broke as I relived the memories of him, but the scene dropped as a butterfly flew into view. The glowing insect flew farther from my view as I darted to follow it. I could not lose it. I would not. A scene of my life startled my running self as I came to a stop to relive.

My mouth opened and closed and the class clapped with joy. I proudly returned to my seat as this was the last day of middle school.
"Great job up there Oriana!" gleamed Harley, a young boy my age.
"Thanks!" I shyly smiled.
The air of my school swallowed my body as I walked out with my head held high. My eyes moved to see the hundreds of students run to their parents. I ran to my friends as I saw them being squeezed by their parents. My nose burned, and I felt the growing urge to cry squeeze out of me. I ran to the bathroom and bit down on the cloth I had in my bag to hide my whimpers. The scene of myself slowly faded as I screamed to go back.
I wanted to help her. Help me. Reliving isn't always bad. But when you relive parts, you don't have a choice.

The butterfly floated above my head as I ran towards its glowing light. Before running anymore, I glanced behind me to see all the scenes of my childhood fade into the abyss as it would be the last time I remember any of my childhood memories.