people are bound to go in your life, no matter how much you love them or how much they mean to you. theyre going to be gone. i always wondered how you were every time i was gone, but i kept getting scared to talk. i never knew how to be around you, maybe i just liked you without entirely thinking about it, maybe i was just- surprised at how i met you.
our memories were being made as we promised we would be friends forever and vowed to stay by each others side. every time you swooned over me i just couldn't help but find it so adorable, why? i dont know. our future was ahead of us, but little did we know that the more and more unhealthy i got, the more we were falling apart. i was always running to you about how i just wanted to die but i did so little for you. i can't help but keep saying sorry but you'll never understand. you keep saying its fine but you dont understand, you dont understand at all.
i cant put all my feelings and words into just 2, "i'm sorry" because it wont explain how sorry i am. i keep crying, i have so much to say just so fucking much. though you probably always vent to other people, "oh its the depressed person again," "yeah they're too emotional" "they hurt me" dont you understand thats not what i mean to come off as? people always say im some guilt trippy person when in reality i'm so fucking upset and hurt inside. my words have to be bottled up. i keep repeating these words, "i'm happy for you" when in reality i cant be happy. i love seeing you happy but why am i jealous? that could've been me, not romantically but it could've been me. i need to forget, don't i?
i cant help but not move on. i can't move on at all. you always thought i hated you when in reality you were always on my mind. "oh this reminds me of her," "i think she would like this," "I want to show her this the next time i talk to her," thats all that was in my mind. i was always looking forward to talking to you and playing with you. you were the only one who would be there for me when i was crying, when i was hung over, when i was on the verge of ending it all. you were the only one who could handle me when i needed you most. you were the only one who wasn't weirded out about the fact that i have mental disorders.
i'm happy for you, i genuinely am but why don't i feel it? i know it but i dont feel it. i keep tensing up at the mention of someone else you now like but why? i shouldn't be jealous of you, i shouldn't. but did you lie to me? most likely. those types of lies are something you cant control. "you'll always be the only one for me." maybe you were just- still upset about your past lovers. were you desperate like me? probably. but dont worry, i lied too. "i wont mess up." "i wont be like everyone else, i promise." "i'll be here forever, just like you." we both lied and we won't forget that. i am happy for you, i am so happy for you. but it just seems you didnt need me, i always knew there was going to be someone else once you grow up from me. though your silly nicknames still get me to this day.
i always go on my old account and read through our talks, i always go on our servers that we used to have together and look at how far we've come. maybe this isn't a positive, but it should be. you met someone else all because of me! i always knew this would happen, you shouldn't feel bad because of this either. you should be proud of yourself. your negative turned into a positive. you met someone knew and ill be here cheering you on from the sidelines. you made it! im so proud of you. i've been crying for the past few nights, but dont worry about me.
and as always.
i'll always be your little kitty, star, your "tamaki" as you used to call me.
love,
akita.
(p.s, you can always talk to me on discord.)
