I know love isn’t everything. But I just... feel like I’m missing a part of my life you see ? It’s difficult to be confident when no one wants you. So yes others’ opinion doesn’t count, but I mean how can you feel beautiful when nobody is looking at you like you’re something precious ? I’m not anyone first choice. And that shit is killing me.
I just want to be loved. Not only by my friends or my family. It’s horrible but sometimes it’s just not enough. So what, maybe it’s me who’s not enough ? I can’t bring myself to believe I am.
Time goes by, I grow up and nothing happens. Soon I’ll be overwhelmed by my studies and I know when I will look back at this I will think “what shitty thoughts I had”.
It doesn’t feel like depression or something like that. More like a hole, a part of me unfufilled. It doesn’t matter how many time I’m telling myself “I’ll be alright”, every single time this feeling comes back. I’m terrified.
I’m a big lover and I know it. I want someone who wants to be with me, someone to count on, to love. I crave attention to a point it fucking hurts.
I didn’t even once kissed someone ! I know it shouldn’t be a bad thing but when I see my friends with their lover, when they are talking about their experiences, I can’t help but feeling helpless and jealous. Jealous of what they have already lived, jealous of their fucking happiness and even sorrow when they’re afraid to lose their lover. I just want to live something so real I will always remember it.
The worst in all of this, it’s that at some point I start to feel like people are taking pity on me. I can’t even take a compliment without doubting it. Is it a way to live ? In the constant fear of doing something which can make my loved one go away ?
I really hope it will fade away, that I will find someone to love and who loves me in return. So to my future self, please tell me it is better from where you are.
It is. It's not a hole eating me anymore. I still have this ache inside of me but now I can look at it without feeling depressed. Nevertheless, I still feel a little bit sour. I'm resigned.
I went back to school. I learned that my crush had a girlfriend. And now it just burns. Burns me to the point I don't really feel it anymore. This fire is slowly eating my heart and all my tears can't extinguish it.
If you want to comment the text or just leave a message you're more than welcome to do so. Also, please acknowledged that English isn't my first language so... be kind.
