Then you went to the real mama bear of the team, Mr. Derek Morgan. He was a friend and not just your usual one it was almost like you were the same person. You both would come in and chat casually about your weekends out and who they were with. Lots of back claps and laughter on night outs trying to hook each other up with our picks, and then getting annoyed at each other on Monday if they turned out to be a dud. You know whenever you go to a bar now you will take that first shot and raise it up a bit to him and thank him in your mind if the person you go home with is any good. And if it's not you'll whisper damn it Morgan as your hook up leaves.
You feel your mind trying to protect you from itself and ask it to just wait a couple more moments, let yourself feel a tiny bit then just stop. For once, it seems to listen...
~He understood that you couldn't say it back for what felt like a very long time, you're so guarded you make up a saying instead. So that he knows that you do, even though you cannot say it. When you finally do, you have to make it comical just so that you can break that wall within yourself, saying it while he is fully in your mouth, looking him in the eyes, then the both of you laughing before he fucks the stars out of your eyes.~
**It seems like the moment you admitted being in love with him was the moment he fell out of it, and you were just swirling around in your brain, dissociating as you walk into the office and sit at your desk like it was a normal day. He wanted you out, said it was over as he found someone new. Luckily it was an office day, and towards the end you went into Hotch's office and told him you were done, that you wanted out.**
You walk into Rossi's office, he reminds you in a lot of ways of your dad and uncle, and you feel a great burden of already missing his warmth, his sass, and of course his pasta. He always knew when you were down or stressed or just not yourself and would put his hand on your shoulder and give you a Tupperware of whatever he made the night before, claiming that the recipes were never made for a single human being. Yet you knew he knew that you couldn't cook to save your life and was disgusted at your common ramen dinners/take out.
You round the corner and hold back a gasp thinking of who you were saying goodbye to in your head next. Your best friend, your bitch, the person who was always down for shots and karaoke at staff nights. The only person you chose to open up to in your life about everything, well now almost everything. You clutch the desk for a second before leaving a doodle of snake on one of her files. Her nickname for you.
If anyone could figure out where you went it would be her, and if you decided to contact anyone it would be her.
You take a second to breathe before walking up the steps to your boss's office, knocking for the last time. You walk in and thank him for not making you wait the standard two weeks, for just seeing your damaged self with a shield around it, and honoring it by letting you leave tonight, mere hours after telling him you were done. He didn't ask why, and didn't press for any details, and right now you respected the hell out of him for that. Though what you didn't respect at the moment were his profiling/FBI agent skills pretending like he wasn't just watching your actions previously. You know he is wondering, but is gracious enough not to bring up the desk you didn't visit.
You both nod at each other, never having a real deep friendship like with the others, both being too guarded for that. You always figured if you screwed around with someone on the job it would have been him, having fucked some of your bosses before. Even though this is a very weird and sad moment, you also regretted that you'd never know now what that was like because that would have been so much simpler then this.
You leave your badge and other credentials on his desk and turn around and walk to the door. As you go to cross the threshold you hear your name being spoken. You stand there facing the doorway as he tells you, that while he doesn't know exactly what caused this, that if you ever decided that you wanted to come back, not to the team but to the family, that you were always welcome to.
You could feel your mind hardening itself, and nodded stoically before walking out.
~Gasping, everything in your life feels perfect as it is in this moment right now, complete for once.~
**You keep wailing that you don't get it, how he's at the top of your list and why you're not important enough to be on his at all**
You strutted through the bullpen, and never stopped, luckily the elevator was already there from your last trip. You could feel Aaron's on you and where you never stopped.
~His hands make you feel so beautiful, and you've never felt that way, you moan into his mouth as you start to feel vulnerable, and that's your biggest regret of your life, which says a lot.~
**This is all happening too fast for your brain, you always take time for feelings for moments like this good or bad, you fall to the ground and he tries to help you up. You throw yourself away from him and finally get up and run to the door, leaving, and you know that you're about to leave for good. You can't take this*
You walk in and hit the garage button, and wait for the doors to close, everything about your pose was strong. Your face, your shoulders, your legs, your mind.
~Right before his eyes, you're physically breaking, shuddering and moaning and you're just his and he works you into a mess before he tells you to let go, and you do, clenching around him feeling free for the first time in your life~
**You think to yourself, that this is the last time you will ever let anyone hurt you, that this is the last time you will let anyone in, that this is the last time you will beg for someone to put you on the top of their list, that this is that last time you will let fall and let your heart break in the speed of blinking your eyes, that this is the last time that you will ask anyone of anything.**
The doors shut and in that blink of an eye, you crumple to the ground like a piece of paper no one really wanted.
The Last Time
Start from the beginning
