i am sorry
i am sorry that i lost myself
i am sorry that i became needy
i am sorry that i changed
i forgot my hobbies
i was so in love and obsessed
i forgot who i am.
who am i?
am i just a broken girl going into college?
am i just another thing on this earth thatll eventually wither away into nothing?
you say that you need time alone without me to find yourself again
but does that mean youll come back?
should i wait or try to move on with my life?
how do i find myself again?
will writing again even help?
will drawing again even help?
will blasting loud music in my tiny nissan juke while going 105 down a backroad even help?
and what if i crash
and burn?
will you miss me?
how do i get you to notice me again?
do i post cute pictures of myself on instagram with a cheesy "sm:)e" caption?
do i go on with myself like im okay?
do i lose weight?
what should i do?
what if you forget about me?
what if you see a girl and think
"woah",
just like you did with me?
what do i do then?
what if one day i log into instagram and see a picture of you and her with a date as the caption?
do i just cry?
or no,
thats what you would want me to do
isnt it?
im angry.
im confused.
sad.
ill do everything i can to fix myself.
but i wont lie
to you or myself.
ill spend every chance i get hoping and praying that ill get an "i miss you" text
because that is just the kind of person i am.
i forgive.
no matter what youve done for me or havent done for me.
i just do.
its sad, you know?
if you were to text me as soon as i finish this poem
i would grab my phone and thank you for giving me another chance.
so
what do i do?
do i use poetry as an escape?
should i come to my laptop everyday and write poems about how gloomy or happy i am?
should i start drawing again?
you fell in love with the idea that i was just a lonely girl who went home everyday and cried, drew, wrote, sang, and cried some more.
thats who i am.
and whenever we were together,
i lost that part of me.
that part of me that i want back so badly.
you say you want me to be more independent,
and yes i will become more independent over time.
but what happens if i never get an "i miss you" text?
what if i change for the better and wait for you for months
just to realize that you wont come back?
last night you texted me that everything is a maybe
but why cant it be for sure?
why cant we be each others destiny?
i am sorry.
i am sorry for becoming too much to handle.
i truly am.
and i knew you would get tired of me eventually.
everyone does.
i am sorry.
