"My life has always been a roller coaster, whether I actually paid for the ride or not. Everything that somehow made it's way into my life either completed me and made me whole or fucked me up. I don't think I could make that sound any less true then it really was.
You know those days where you just wake up and everything seems too overwhelming to even think about it? Well, today was one of those days. I had a house, food in the fridge and a savings account but somehow there was something in the back of my mind that was always pulling me back down.
Maybe it was my lack of being at a job that I love, or the fact that the love of my life cheated on me with three other women (well that was probably enough) but I just felt like I didn't have a purpose anymore. I felt almost like a left over beach toy...floating away into the abyss without another trace.
My life has always been safe; I was involved in youth group, I played on three sports teams until I was in college, my hair never changed and I never snuck out in time to get a tattoo. My parents loved me and somehow I mistook their control for love, when in reality their control was, and will always be, somewhat of a handicap.
I relied on him for everything. All my basic needs and daily routines involved his consent, only because that was all I knew. I didn't know any different and I'd been comfortable riding the passenger seat to my own life for all this time.
It wasn't until that source of happiness was taken from me, completely stripped from me, when I realized I had to be my own person again. What an obstacle the thought alone was and now I was having to actually live it."
"You sound a little bitter," My brother, Noah, whispered into the receiver after a few moments, "You know mom and dad were just trying to protect you from the outside world."
I huffed, rolling my eyes as I threw my essay off the bed, "I'm just trying to write a damn essay to get back into journalism or something. They asked me to write about myself, what else am I supposed to say?"
"Maybe your favorite sport? How you made the dance team as a freshman in high school? I don't know, stuff that's easy and fun to read. Not depressing stuff like...well, this."
I gripped the phone, "But this is my life. How am I supposed to dig deep if I talk about such base line stuff?"
Noah sighed, fiddling around with something on his end as I fell back against my pillows. Maybe I was treating this essay like a diary, maybe they didn't necessarily want to know this much into my life as I'd wanted them to.
"I dunno, Kens. I just think it's a little much," He finally spoke.
"Well of course you do, you're a guy and all guys think the same. You want to know my age and if I have any kids that are going to want a new father, that's all you care to know about me."
Ok, so maybe I was a little bitter.
Noah laughed, his higher pitched chuckle growing unsteady as I heard my niece begin to question what was so funny. Noah was older than me, but still acted younger then me most of the time. Generally this would be one of those times where he'd dish off his wisdom and life experience, but after getting a divorce after thirty days married, his advice was a little less warranted.
"Just chill," He began the usual brotherly advice, "Maybe you're just not ready. Give yourself a break, Kens. You've been on the go your whole life, just go do something fun. Maybe even a little stupid, just keep the details from mom if you can."
I smiled, running a few fingers through the strands of my hair as I began to daydream about what my new life could be.
"Is that what you've been doing?" I challenged, "Forgetting about that Latin lover of yours?"
Noah cringed when I spoke about her, I already knew his face was dropping into a scowl.
"Absolutely," He finally answered, "And I have ten others that would agree."
I gagged, "And this is where I say bye brother. Talk again soon? I have to get to bed anyways."
"Alright, just try to take my advice," He chuckled, "Life is too short to be sad over someone who won't be there to help wipe the shit off your ass when you're old. Be young and enjoy it, trust me, it doesn't last forever."
"Gotcha," I smiled, wishing we lived closer then we really did.
Noah and my parents lived in South Carolina while I decided to uproot my life for my ex and move to New York. Now that I'd established somewhat of a new life, I didn't resent him for it, but it still made things extra difficult when I needed that family shoulder to cry on.
"Alrighty, call you again soon."
"Bye Noah," I hung up the phone, pulling it from my ear to place it on my chest. Oh how easy it sounded coming from him...maybe my life would turn around for the better. All I needed was a job and maybe even a distraction or two.
That's not so hard to wish for, right?
