weird things .

I Think I Died

. . .
I can't take this anymore- the void has eaten away at me for far too many years. Happiness is as futile as the attempt to preserve a fresh flower from withering. Even now, as I lie, staring at my bedroom ceiling, i feel it gnawing away at my very core. My chest burns- the pain is becoming unbearable. My breath quickens in a panic.

Tonight's the night.

I turn around in my bed, and pull my thick quilt that i had been cozied up in. This is the only way i can escape. To continue to live would be to continue to bring pain to myself and others. I fold the quilt to the point where it is narrow enough to cover my head, and tightly tie it around my face, paying close attention to keep it tight around my nose and mouth. I will not be able to see the next sunrise.

I drift away due to lack of oxygen, and for once, i feel it.
Peace.

. . .

"Darling, why?"

I slowly open my eyes to a warm, soothing voice. The voice was unlike any other- not quite male, not quite female. I felt a wave of warmth as i heard it.

"Why, must you hate so much what i strive to create?"

Am i at the foot of God? No- it cant be.

I exist in nothing but a white void. There is nothing to see at all, save from the warm, light glow. I can not speak, nor can i see the speaker. I can only hear them and my own thoughts.

"I have tried my hardest to make you a beautiful creature..i put love into you. Do you not love yourself?"

What i had done was a mistake, i can tell by the tone of the entities voice...but at this point, what did i have?

"Darling, you had all you needed- you had love. Even when you thought you were alone, you had it"

The voice brought an air of serenity that i had never experienced before. A warm wind surrounded me, yet i still couldn't find the source from whence it came. Then, i began to see. And if i could've cried at what i saw, i would have.

In front of me were two images- one, my girlfriend, sleeping soundly in her bedroom with music playing. Her face was so beautiful, devoid of worry in her resting state.
The other, my 4 year old brother. He was gnawing on his blanket as he slept- i could almost hear his snores.

"These are the two that loved you most," the voice echoes. "You always had them, and they always had a special place for you in their heart."

There was no way. My little brother would refuse to acknowledge me-and if he did, he usually attacked my face. I had to replace my glasses about three times thanks to him alone.

And her, well...often i felt as if she never loved me. Or, if she did, not anymore. And i blamed that all on my self. My own insecurities, my own brutal thoughts, my own flaws. Because noone could ever love someone like me.

But, she did. I knew it was the truth- the white voice wouldn't lie.

"Because of your actions, i grant you a choice. Of these two people, you must choose one to watch over, to protect for the rest of their life."

Panic should have risen in me, but it didn't. I felt calm, collected.

"Along with being the two people that love you most, these two are also those you love most. Choose wisely..." The voice had seemed to become distant.

Choose wisely. How can i do that?  I existed in the bright void in silence, for minutes, hours, or even days i couldn't tell.

Finally i had found my voice and began to speak.

"Kate...i love you, with all my heart, and i hope you know that. You were my first love, you taught me what love was, how beautiful it is, and for the longest time you were the only light as the numbness had gnawed away at me. If you weren't there, i would be where i am now much sooner.

I am so, so sorry for doing this to you. I didn't realize how much pain you might feel...please forgive me. I don't want you to feel pain... I want you to move on, and live happily. Forget about me, please, because all i ever did was hurt you.
I love you, and i pray you find happiness without me.."

"Jack, little buddy, you're not even old enough to remember me as im gone. I truly do wish the best for you. I want you to find peace, be happy with your life. Don't wind up like me. Please. I want to protect you, to see you happy, to watch you flourish.

I'm not sure if you can ever forgive me, or if i am making the right choice right now but...
Jack, i will watch over you for the rest of your life. I will be the warmth on your shoulder on your coldest days, and when you feel nobody is there, know that i am."

"Kate, i will always love you, and i will always think of you, but i want to give you a chance to move on. To be happy, without me. I know you're capable, and i feel as if watching you become happy without me, i would feel so many emotions at once. I would be proud of you, and filled with love. Love you now hold for something else, something better than me. I love you, don't forget that..."

. . .