I was just one of them, a teenager who was a fan of the show the lead actor - who somehow found herself getting to know him. Celebrities are taught that they can overcome the hate - that they need to - because their lives are in the public. But when your life becomes public without any preparation or consent....and it's immediately met with a louder hate over the support...what was I meant to do. What would you do?
Sadly, the innumerable experiences of joy and laughter I had with this group over the weekend seemed to dissipate in the agony of these recent events...to the point where I felt like I should've never come.
My self-esteem was a bit below average but I was sailing just fine, but now - like an anchor - it was just diving deeper into the ocean and it wanted to stay there.
I finished my packing within a minute - mad at myself that I was that person who always folded their clothes back in their suitcase right after wearing them to stay organised and save time - but now I just needed to waste time. I stared at the door, knowing I had to go down since it was nearing checkout time, and I was mustering all my courage and thoughts to face it all.
I walked towards the door and opened it slightly. But my phone distracted me again
___________ Snapchat You have Memories from last year today! ___________
What I expected: A picture or video of me and Blaire, or Geli, messing around to cheer me up, my people. There to remind me that I can always go to them because they knew me so well.
What I got:
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"Oh for fuck's sake."
He cracked my heart, it basically broke. The paranoia, pushing people away and believing I wasn't good enough stemmed from that boy. But in that photo, he was another one of 'my people' because I could always go to him when I needed help. He knew me just as well as my family did, even after all that has happened. It was a weird reminder...
I was gazing at the picture, unsure of what I was feeling through it all. But it wasn't the usual pain, if anything, it was the pain of remembering how blissful and in love I felt in that moment. The pain of knowing that I had a chance to feel that again, but now I wasn't so sure.
Since the public seemed to be happy with taking that chance away.
The door's subtle creak still sent a jolt of panic through my body and I looked up to see Josh with his favourite coat on; his weekender bag in hand. His eyes screamed of pain and caution.
I almost felt paralysed, I didn't move a muscle as he slowly walked towards me, but as he came closer, his instincts told him to look at my screen. It was easily viewable but I quickly snapped out of it and turned the phone off. But there was a flash of confusion and mild offense - he registered who I was looking at - and it seemed he used the next moments of silence to figure out why I was.
