To The Moon And Never Back

C26

"How could you greet me. I hate you. So bad. Like I never hated you. "

I cried and ran to the elevator.

Left him. Crying.
____

"She'll be up soon. I guess she has a heart disease. She needs her doctor. She needs operation... "

Unang unang narinig ko sa doktor.

Nagising ako sa ospital. Naka nebulizer. Naka dextrose. Kausap ni Tita Hanni sila mama alam ko. Si Nika kausap si Doc Mendez. I know it.

"Toria!" Nika run towards me and hold my hand.

" Hija okay ka langg!!?? " Tita Hanni brushed her fingers to my hair.

I closed my eyes until I felt nothing. Again.

'All I need
is that one look
that says you’re always there,
just like in a fairy tale book.'

I want to escape. This nightmare. I can't take it.

"Doc, it's 10pm. Shes... She's awake!"

I heard Nika's voice. Talking to someone though the phone.

I woke up here at our hotel room. Naka nebulizer.

"Tita Hanni bought this for you. We bought you new inhaler and a new meds. Tita wants to talk to you tomorrow. Pahinga ka please. Whatever happens, I'm just here okay!?"

Nika is crying. I don't want to see her like this.

I hugged her. I cried even more.

My tears won't stop.

***

"He cheated."

Kinwento ko na lahat kay Nika. She's crying. Of anger. Sadness. And betrayal.

Sobrang dry ko. Parang wala na luhang mailalabas pa.

Nika hugged me tight and kissed my head. She's all I got.

2am. I'm here at the sofa, taking meds. Watching. While Nika's tired. Asleep.

I went outside to the terrace to see the San Francisco view. Naenjoy ko naman to, at least. One thing that made me calm here.

Looking outside the view. Deep to the stars. Thinking my life without Nathan. Thinking my future. Plans. And everything.

'signing off'

My last book of mind status.

----

"So.. hija?"

I'm with tita Hanni right now at the coffee shop. Anika's seated beside me, willing to listen.

Kinwento ko lahat. Ang nangyari't nakita ko. Tita and Nika is crying. Tita bit her lip and tears are flowing. Pinipilit niyang pumikit ng mariin.

"Toria. I'm sorry." Tita sighed and hold my hand.

" No, tita. I'll be fine. I'm sorry pina worry ko kayo. I'll be alright. I can do this. But, I want to become.. like you. I'll be a poem writer tita."I smiled and hold her hand. I glanced at Nika and she nodded like she already knew.

" So, I knew it. You're victoriousShell." Nika said while driving.

"How did you know? Huh"

"Your posts are all around. Pati sa twitter!" She giggled.

Tita Hanni agreed, and she'll be exposing my poems after her book conferences. Nika and I decided to go back to the Philippines.

Nathan... I never opened my phone to check. Knowing may texts and calls siya.

Nika and I bought lots of foods here in Cali, and some things too.

Then.. were back.

------

"Baby, it's alright"

"Someday... Lalaban tayo okay?"

The girls are here. We're having a wine. Kinwento ko na lahat. Rina's mad. Of course she is. Samuel is also here. Pinag luluto ako para daw cheer up.

I'm fine, really. I am. I can handle everything now. I smiled at them and hugged them.

I thought I can.

We're having fun here in my unit. I'm smiling. Outside. And laughing. Outside.

But I can't feel my soul. I can't feel my soul laughing.

Everyone left. Nika wanted to stay here, but I refused to.

It's already 2am, and Rina and Patrisha are drunk. Si Anika't ako lang sober, so Nika guided Trisha.

I'm here, again. At the balcony. Alone. Seeing flashbacks. Memories. And laughter. I looked inside my unit habang nasa balcony. Kitang kita ang saya namin ni Nathan. Ang tampohan. Amoan. Our kisses. Everything.

I bit my lower lip trying not to cry.

I looked up to the sky. Knowing suot ko pa ang necklace niya. Tinanggal ko ito ang hinawakan ng mahigpit. Nakatingin sa mga bitwin.

"Ang duga." I sighed with a tear.

I went inside and tried to check at his room. More flashbacks.

Everything. Kitang kita ko. Alalang alala ko. I cried deep in here, sa kama niya. Nakahiga akong umiiyak na walang tunog. Ewan ko kung may luha pang lumalabas saakin. Pero umiiyak ako.

Hanggang sa di ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko.

' Everything in my past,
with you I can forget it all.
But, I was wrong.
You made me fall
But you fooled me. And killed me.
And played me, like a ball.
I can't do anything but to build a wall.'