Tornado's of my mind

prologue

"Again months after...again i bed..feeling my heartbeats..sometimes weak by the heartbreak..sometimes strong by the hate..This time is different...I learned that the closest people can play games with you..He kept me as a second girl..I dont ask anymore what i couldnt give him..i ask how im gonna destroy him..my tears will not go for nothing...there are times when i really find ways how can i destroy him..who am i lying..it hurts...how could he treat me like that...that motherfucker broke every fucking thing in me..my brain..heart..soul..arms and legs..what should i do..go on or take my venegance?!
14 avril
Well hello again...Today i am much better...well not on my best days because if i was i would not have opened this memo to read and write in it...Today im much more better...i understood that he wasnt worthy my time...he was afraid...of me and my love...he wants someone who he can manipulate...and he did what he did to get me out of his way cuz he knew he couldnt manipulate me anymore...he tried to hurt me so i could go...he could be freely with his girl and i didnt had my mind at him...I thank god and who prayed for me that put him out of my life...i will be thankful to god forever that he protected me...that is for sure...but i miss him...like a fucking stupid...just hugging him...i know that a life with him would have been hell but it is bad to dream...me meeting him again...just hugging him...i wish i saw him on dreams happy..in love with each other...hugging....just him being my love...not a cheater..not a bastard...him being doni sares...i dream with open eyes a lot meeting him by coincidence and being strong in front of him...letting him know i dont give a damn for him...but one look at his picture..im weak in my heart...I get exited...my heart beats like old times...fast..irregullary...But i know its a sin dreaming about someone else husband...im sorry god...i know with your strength i can make it...thats why you didnt put us in front of each other because when the moments come i will be much more strong...cured in heart...with my head up..and calm...and i will stay in front of him
..showing he is forgotten...and wishing happiness even that he doesnt deserve it for me...but lets be honest im much moreeee better that a year before...i have faith..hope..and lots of love for my LORD...he will save me"
Here we are at a time were we have memos in our phones and not diares anymore 😔🙃...but I feel more than most of people of those times...I opened my memo and saw my raw feelings...feelings that i dont even speak with my psychologist...In dark writing...feeling...recharging...having faith..praying...forgetting...feeling low...hating myself...my being...finding that LORD loves me so i should love myself...speaking with my voices and trying to find the good cop and listening to him🙄
Thats what he left behind...a mental that for a year she moved to a different state...got her family moved near her...started new job and found new friends...being the strong and the mastermind behind plenty things but in her own self she is a mental broken girl🙃