Suspicions

2

The next three to four months can be summed up and understood without going day by day. Though, I remember day by day. 

***

The morning waking up on January 18th, she was greeted with two notifications. A text she read and didn't reply to and a smiling picture and good morning from the man she kissed just the night before. The latter notification gave her the motivation to rise and dress in his Columbia blue sweatshirt for the day and finish her morning routine. He'd wished her good luck on her semester finals for the day and she was certain to do well now. 

While getting into her friend's car to go to school, she replied first to James and eyed the other text silently as they pulled out of town. Her smile faded. With the radio blasting, Rachel thought over the past few months. 

It was a constant fight that left the thoughts in her mind beaten and bloodied. Each thought, she compared, was a soldier fighting for a side. As soon as one fell, stained the ground with its blood, another would rise to fight even harder and pose a new anxiety. It had been going on for about a year now but became more one sided just within the last couple months. 

She just sighed and decided it was better to play along until a little light shined down upon her saddened thoughts and she could come up with a solution. Rachel replied with just a simple good morning. There was no use in using those stupid heart emojis to show affection like she did many many months ago because there simply wasn't any left. He just followed her, scared of having to cut her loose for the world and watched quite clearly as she moved on.

She also certainly had taken mental notes of all the angry paragraphs sent back and forth over text with the energy-drainer. Extensive essay-like explanations about how he was not what she wanted anymore. Effortlessly translating her anger into words and asking why he chose to stay by her. His reasons began to make her sick and were less and less convincing. She couldn't even force herself to comprehend the thought of having something with him again. There was no way in hell. Her words got more vicious day by day. She wondered at one point, if she could forcibly push him away with anger. The soldiers on her side were fighting hard. 

But she still just felt stuck. It was a matter of choosing what was good for herself but also have the possibility of sinking lower into a depression or let him follow no matter how much it drained her having to show off feigned smiles every day. But where she was had been better than sinking into a darkness she couldn't save herself from. At least she always had company this way. 

Getting out of the car and stepping onto the gravel parking lot, the harsh wind cut at her. I could have James and be happy. Looking out over the sea of vehicles, she said to herself, "yeah, you could." And though she hadn't realized it yet, in the fields of war tucked deep in her mindscape, a third party of heavily armed soldiers rose and made their way into battle.

It had been sporadic for months before and after second semester started up. There were random texts trying to spark up conversation in the mornings or late afternoon to which she rarely gave a reply longer than one word or even a reply at all. It was simply not where her interest was. It confused her so deeply because he knew damn good and well about James. He'd seen her send smiling and loving pictures to James in the middle of classes and seen her lock screen showing clear. As well as the countless times she'd explained how much she did not want a relationship with him and hadn't since August of the previous year and how much he needed to leave her be. But still, for an unknown reason, when she looked up, he was usually never out of earshot. They came to never speak in person unless it was necessary for a class. Never speaking, but still knowing of the other's presence. 

It was all up until a world wide pandemic threatened humanity's safety and James had to come home from the big city. There had been about two months of no communication from the Energy-drainer, and a text popped up one night as Rachel was getting dressed. . . at 1 in the morning. It was a simple hello and how are you. 

She had scoffed in the darkness and had harshly typed back, I'm getting ready to leave.

Of course she was questioned because they talked about this back last summer. He'd warned her then that sneaking out was a bad idea. But, this time, he instead asked her where she intended to go with an equally angry seeming tone.

And she replied with the last sentence she ever would have to type to him. I'm going to see James. Goodbye.

But the smile that crept up on Rachel when James' nickname would pop up on her phone became so apparent to her. She took note of the way her heart fluttered and her cheeks flushed when pictures of him came through and she could save them forever. The two of them stayed up night after night, long passed the time she was supposed to be asleep. It didn't matter to her. She wanted this bond to grow and thrive for as long as she could make it last. 

Rachel, of course, had her doubts about starting a long distance relationship. It was 2,035 miles between them and James was understanding of her concern. Once, she asked if he'd ever done something like that. Catching her off guard, he said he had, and opened up about how it ended. She saw an emotion flash across his face on the face-time call but it was gone in an instant. 

Laying in bed late one night near the beginning of February, she could just think. James was at work and only an hour into the five hour shift. That left her by herself in the darkness to ponder on things and ideas. 

James had called her 'his last' and in her fits of questioning, he told her that he dated to marry. She thought over how he made her smile every day and often said I try for you. Even, at one point, sending her things that read I choose you. And I'll always choose you, over and over and over, Without pause, without doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you. On top of other things to make her fall further for his heart and soul. Unusual to her, he constantly preached about how beautiful she was to him and began to create that bond she so craved. The I love yous came naturally. And so did his long paragraphs about loving all of her flaws. James naturally assured her indirectly about anything that worried her. She became his weakness and his reason for living. And he'd started to open up to her; just a little. It was enough for her to see the pain behind his eyes and to realize just how tall the walls he build up were. 

If she had to guess, she'd assumed his mind was more like an old, crumbling castle caught in near constant rainy days. That was where he seemed comfortable. But the clouds got darker on certain days and lighting struck the tall castle towers that barely stood from years of abuse. Hundreds of room lay with locked doors that weren't opened often and shadows danced along every wall and around every corner. Every room represented a memory or instance and the shadows stood in for the demons in his head. She had imagined herself standing at its front steps, only able to enter the castle enough to sit in the foyer. That was more than she expected and promised herself to take good care of any room of sensitive memories he chose to show her. 

Oh, Love, how could anyone have ever hurt you?