words.

worry.

i feel like i worry too much. i think about whats gonna happen in 5 years from now and worry about what could happen, and then worry about what could happen in the next 5 seconds. for example, what if i get caught online and i cant talk to any of my friends anymore? thats a main one, but not the worst. its like at any moment my dad could open my door and see me hunched over my laptop staring at a screen with chats and people. sometimes its just absurd stuff and i dont know where it comes from. and sometimes the worry from dreams. it stays for a while. and it always comes back to remind you. and its all you can think about. even if its a dream from years ago, or a memory. it just makes you worry and puts you in the feels. and sometimes, its something someone else told you. but it haunts you. and you cant get it out of your head. and you know it might happen sooner or later. and time feels like it starts to speed up, and slow down at the worst times. just to engrave it in your brain. and the worries just flood your head and you cant get them out. they may be crazy, or realistic. and you cannot distract yourself from them, not matter how much you try. it may even be people you havent seen or talked to in years that make you worry. or just a small, simple thing. ... then theres one thing. the center of it all. it never goes away. it just drags more and more worries into it. it feels like it never ends. just more and more and more. and you just sit there. thinking about it non-stop. wanting to tell someone everything and cry for hours. and as soon as you try to, more things come along and you just can't bring yourself to it. so you're stuck with a brain full of worry and fear. you start to feel like your problems don't matter and that everything will slowly start to slip away from your vision. until you can't see anything until the memories of the past. and so you sit there, once again. feeling great and then horrible. as everything floods your mind again, you can't bring yourself to stop it. you suddenly want to think about it. but you don't. you cry and cry, feeling like a fool. and now you're here. talking to people online. feeling like a fool. crying in front of a laptop. one of the worries has started this conversation. and you know that that worry is one of the most realistic and that it will happen sooner or later. and you don't want it to. It is not one of the worst ones, but you never want it to happen. as your vision blurs with a wet liquid and you start to forget what keys you have, your brain takes over. it makes you feel bad. horrible. what a dirty little... it's me though. I'm the one doing it. the brain controls everything, but you send the signals. am I the bad one? you now somehow trick yourself into thinking that you're a horrible person and that you make people also feel this way. but why? you finally stop crying, even though you could fill the room with tears. your brain brings you to another worry. all you feel like doing is ripping out your brain and stashing it deep down in a place you'll never find it again. so you can stop worrying. then you feel like a crazy person again. what am I doing? does any of this make sense? am I just being stupid again and talking about my problems? they aren't the most important thing in the world. no one cares. it's just me and my mind being dumb. but it still makes me feel horrible. and then you just feel like this. when they all see this today or tomorrow, wont they think it's stupid? they'll think you're weird.--you know everyone has worries though. why would they think its stupid? some people have though-- and now you're sitting on a floor. still. shaking a lot, not knowing if its the ac, or from crying. and your hands are weirdly freezing. I need to sleep. I grab my headphones and try and distract myself with music... I can't bring my laptop into bed though. guess ill have to "shut off" my brain someway else. as I slowly fall asleep, I lose grip on my flashlight and maybe a memory or a couple come back. they may be bad or good. I'm under 3 blankets, but still somehow cold. not doing anything about that though. my eyes shut, and I go into my couple hour slumber before waking up again. I think we all wish we could hibernate at least once, right? my back hurts more, and my nose runs. I decide i should get off my laptop and get some shut-eye. thankful for the people I have, I hope to keep them around for as long as possible. I climb into bed and curl into a ball. I hope for tomorrow to be better, and for my lips to stop burning. chap-stick wasn't something I had remembered today. I fall asleep again, waking up to a bright star shining through my window. the hallway light creeps under my door, and I hear sounds of talking and a door creaking. hoping that it's just my brother, I type slower and lighter. he still could tell my parents that I'm up. probably wouldn't, but there's still a chance.

note: i was very tired when i wrote this, so I'm sorry if there's any errors. it isn't the best thing I've wrote, but i was half awake and couldn't really see what i was typing. aaaa <3