Josephine

I never had a good relationship with my Mom. She would always tear me down. For as long as I've known her, she has only been controlling and abusive. Some things she would say to me are: "are you sure you REALLY want to go out in that shirt?" or things like, "you got a B, I expected you to get an A!" What she would say to me would lower my self esteem and make me run into my room crying. I thought I was strong, but back then I was always weak from my mom's words. To this day, our estranged relationships is still very present. The methods she used made me question the meaning of love and what love actually looked like.

That was until I met Patch.

We met in college and I remember thinking he was so handsome. How could he possibly want me? My heart would melt whenever I was around him. That was my first clue to love. He constantly expressed encouragement, dedication and thoughtfulness. I fell quickly and hard; it was easy for me to imagine a life with someone who had such beautiful attributes. Personality traits I respected, maybe even envied. But it was all so new for me; no one, not even my Mother, took care of me like Patch.

All through college we would hang out together. I loved going on walks through the gardens with Patch most of all.. I remember the flowers smelt amazing and the world felt like it was being refreshed. As if we had stepped into our own sanctuary where the air was clear and no one could find us.

During the early days of our dating, he had surprised me at my dorm with chocolates and flowers. The gesture gave me butterflies in my stomach. I remember his youthful face smiling at me as he exclaimed that he had a surprise for me. He walked me towards the garden and when we got in there, I saw that he set up a romantic picnic. "Awe! You did this all for me?" I wondered. "Yes, this is how much I love you." Patch told me. We spent the afternoon laughing, eating, and talking. Towards the end of the date Patch asked me, "will you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?" My heart fluttered as I replied, "I was waiting for you to ask me this! Of course I will be your girlfriend!"

From then on we would do everything together. We would go to the movies, on walks, visit art museums, and go to concerts.

Once we had both graduated from UCLA, we decided to move into our first home together. Patch started working at Fearless Angel Finance fresh out of college and with the bonus they provided, we put a downpayment on a new house. It was perfect - a large, white home in a gated community. I could easily see us raising a family there.

He quickly excelled at his job and his boss promoted him to be CFO within the first 2 years. I was so proud of him and all his accomplishments. However, Patch would always work late so for the first couple months I slept in the bed alone and it felt empty. The only upside to this was that I would wake up to him and I always knew he would eventually come home. But, as the weeks passed I became impatient. It felt incomplete without him here, as if our time together would never coincide. I confronted him on this issue almost immediately. This was not the Patch I remembered from college.

"Why are you always home so late?" I questioned Patch. "Meetings." He replied. His expression was cold. I had never seen him so off putting before, so I decided to bite my tongue. I had so many questions left to ask, but he had never given me a reason not to trust him in the past, so I had no reason to not trust him now. I dropped the topic that night, but the questions swarmed my mind like a plague.

A few months later, I woke up one morning feeling sick to my stomach. I rolled around in bed before a feeling of nausea overcame me. I ran as fast as I could to the restroom, contemplating what I could've eaten that made me so sick. But my intuition was louder than my thoughts, and it was telling me that I already knew the answer. Patch came home a few hours later and I could hardly contain myself. Once I heard the front door unlock, I bolted down the stairs with the test in hand.