The weather is gloomy and cold, especially up here. The trees move along to the captivating music traveling through the strong wind, as if they were skillful dancers that had worked hard to prepare a perfectly coordinated show for the prime minister or some sort of king. I haven't seen the sky in a while, last time I was out the sun desperately held onto the deep blue cape of our universe, refusing to let go and not caring about overheating it's other half. Now it's all snuggled between the clouds, playing hide and seek with the moon that playfully peeks and slowly rises. It's all extremely familiar to me as I stand this high up the ground, looking down to the large city. Everything resembles the day you left.
As my fingers slowly graze the metal bars of the bridge I'm standing on, a stinging pain triggers me. The coldness of the material with the one in my heart are getting too much to handle while the winter approaches. I shouldn't be outside in only just a jacket and the scarf you pretended to have knitted for me when I was 5 - I know you bought it. Just like everybody else, I should be inside, enjoying the coziness of my sweet home. Yet for me it's never cozy, it has never been. Not even up here, where I saw you for the last time. I feel empty. It's all extremely familiar to me as the wind whispers in my ear, eyes closing and lips trembling. Everything resembles the day you left.
I won't ever forget that day, mother. Or am I not allowed to call you that? In my brain the memories will always be etched; your hand that left mine as you promised to be back in a bit so we can admire the beauty from the bridge only to never come back. My eyes that struggled to stay open, tongue between my teeth as I mumbled numbers waiting for you.
"I will count to 10 and mommy's going to come back."
Yet you never came and I spent all night counting, falling asleep against this very place of the bridge I'm now standing on. As I fell asleep, I hoped once I woke up you'd hold me in your arms and to be honest, I wish I never had. I wish I was still sleeping and was about to wake up just now, open my eyes and face you. Look at your porcelain skin and reach to touch it, meet your eyes and feel your arms wrap around me like any other mother would've done.
And here I am again, after many years, one step away from my death. Just like you wished. At the exact spot you left, I came, wanting to fulfill that one wish of yours. That's the only way I'll ever make you proud. No, it's not by being a successful doctor, a lawyer, a scientist like every other mother's. Of course not. Being dead would be my biggest accomplishment in your eyes.
"Is this enough, mother?"
The fall doesn't seem as scary I thought it would be. Maybe I'm just numb.
"Yah!" I thought no one ever came here, why are hands wrapping around my waist? "What are you doing?"
I thought it was my destiny to do this, jump and let myself fly and be free of all for once. Not this. Not look into the eyes of a stranger and be captivated by the nervous smile on her face.
"Zip up your jacket! You're going nowhere," why does her scolding feel so right? "If you get sick I can't take care of you, I make a very bad nurse."
Maybe I'm not so numb.
"What?! No, no, no!" why do these hands wiping my tears not disgust me "I'll buy you ice cream, please don't cry.
Why had you make my mind such a mess, mother? Why had you leave me to break down in the arms of a pretty red head as the rain poured on us. Why out of all the people in the world, this woman is the one I trust the most. A stranger.
"It's literally raining."
Is it because she's nothing like you and everybody else? Because she's genuine and not pretending, hiding behind a mask to make herself seem kind and a good person?
"You're right. Hot cocoa it is," I don't know why I'm laying my head on her shoulder "I'm Sana, by the way."
It's funny, how I trust a stranger more than I do you. I'm used in telling those who are sincere and those who aren't apart. Besides, I've done this for all of my life.
"I'm Jihyo."
This is probably the only good thing you've done for me, isn't it?
"Nice. Well then, Jihyo-ssi, why won't we sit somewhere and calm down with a cup of hot cocoa? Maybe, my great sense of humor will cheer you up a little."
Your hypocrisy taught me who to trust and who not to.
"Sounds awesome."
And my heart is screaming at me to trust her, Sana.
-kimwig
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A STEP TO DIE | SAHYO
Fanfiction"And here I am again, after many years, one step away from my death. Just like you wished." Jihyo is once more trying to desperately reach for the love many take for granted, the hug of a loving mother that never had she enjoyed. Only to fall in the...
