Human

Consciousness isn't exactly awareness. We assume according to senses brought to life in our own screen of space. Yet isn't thought questionable as well? Isn't thought flawed? Are we not subjected to emotional feedback with what we perceive of things the first time around? Isn't everything subject to change? If so, consciousness can only be considered the surface of awareness. Man is only limited to such.

So how do you even know that your feelings for someone coexist with all realms of reality? How are you certain that the person you find yourself seemingly struggling with now exist in the future your thought can only imagine. Therefore, the most human thing that man can do is to love. To love is to be human. We become vulnerable as we peel away layers of ourselves towards other people. Although terrifying, it is what makes us human. Even the most cynical person in the world has enough reasons to shut himself out. This effect makes him human as well. Heaps of studying philosophy and reason cannot be enough to surge man to not feel. It cannot sway them away from the hungers of the flesh – our own natural state.

I have always wondered if I could somehow defeat this natural state of man. But the first time I saw him, I was for sure deemed human. It wasn't anything heart pounding, ground breaking, love-at-first sight feeling either. It felt natural.

Like everything you notice that doesn't seem right. A feeling you can't shake.

It's tying your shoelaces the second time around because you notice something wrong although it seems the same after. It's the border bitter taste of coffee that you taste it isn't sweet enough according to your preferences. It's looking and checking twice because something just doesn't seem to feel right.

But all at the same time, are seemingly normal and natural inconveniences of routine.

A sly shrug you barely even notice it.

I barely even noticed the boy who walked tall and proud with "Leviathan" on his hands in history club. His demeanor radiating from across the room. Quirky and confident. A tad bit annoying, I must say. I barely even noticed him glance at me. I barely even noticed him called me out with questions. I barely even noticed the possibility of a few months in, he'd be someone that would end me up here writing my feelings down as last resort to finally acknowledging the weakness of my flesh being human enough to catch feelings.

See, I've had a roller coaster ride the past few months. Just from writing out the eventful months I've had made me stop and almost break down and cry. That was how much of a shitty state I was in. I can't even bring myself to remember them because I'm pretty sure I've buried them enough to never once again resurface.

I was in the eye of the storm with my problems. What's worse was that I was all alone. I didn't even bother to consult with other people with the guilt and shame I've put myself in. My values and life decisions were all over the place. When I've been left with nothing at all, it was only in that silence and the pressing solidarity that I was able to look back and reflect on my problems. In the calm after the storm, when there was nothing left but a pile of rubbish and ashes of what has destruct, the boy I barely even noticed was there for me.

This time calmer, with layers of personality that I was yet to dive into. He constantly found me at the lowest points of my life that I was grasping on whatever plans I intended for myself. He set the way, gave me decisions to choose from that I was liberate only to do so for the purpose of my own improvement. It wasn't that I was better because of him, it was because I wanted to be better for myself because of how inspired I was of him.

It's funny how you meet people, regardless of their convenience, you learn from them.

This isn't a love story at all. This is me rebuilding and picking up from where I left of. This is me realizing unawareness and how uninspired I was. This is me realizing all of that I have left behind. This is me healing from the inner child that I have only ever loved so little. I must admit, it was inspired by a boy who carried this black book around with so much energy and passion. This boy who made me promise to be better for myself. This boy who gave me a lot of life advices that I never would even be able to move past them. This boy who got mad each time I made bad life decisions. This boy, who was a kick start of my growth.

This boy, who made me feel human enough to once again catch feelings and lured into the dangers of love. This time, I knew it was love capable of growth and maturity.

See, we are all humans. We can't escape our emotions. We are bothered with things we assume that are bothersome. I wish I had noticed this boy the first time around, because I wouldn't be here asking him "where have you been all my life?"